Author: MisterQ PM
Xander decides to dress up his sleeping parents before going Trick-or-Treating. Chaos results.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Supernatural - Chapters: 5 - Words: 16,408 - Reviews: 50 - Favs: 106 - Follows: 80 - Updated: 09-21-12 - Published: 04-25-08 - Status: Complete - id: 4219414
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
AN: Here you guys go, a longer chapter in thanks for all the great glowing reviews. Thanks everyone and enjoy!
"Welcome home, son," Tony said as Xander came in after the study session at Willow's.
Xander looked around his newly redesigned home. It was still a small house, but the interior had gone from a 'white trash' look to a 'black magic' one. Dodge was disturbingly dressed in a French maid uniform that somehow fit his seven foot tall frame, and was groaning as he dusted - using actual dust. Apparently, his father had seen his son glancing around while not trying to dwell too deeply upon their new butler's apparel.
"If you're wondering, the house does seem a bit cramped. We don't even have enough room for the his and hers iron maidens that I purchased. I have to keep them in... a rented storage unit," The elder Harris shivered as if stating something unpleasant, "I've been talking to several real estate agents recently. With the prices of real estate around here and the amount I have made on the market, I think we can move into one of the old mansions on Crawford street."
"That's great dad."
"Isn't it, though. As soon as one of the real estate agents makes it out alive and contacts us, I can go to an open house. How do you feel about having a few vampire nests next door?"
Xander blinked, "Something to exterminate when schoolwork becomes a bit boring."
"Excellent! We can make a family activity out of it. A little meet and greet and stake the neighbors," Tony Harris grinned, "I'll start making the incendiary gift baskets! Oh, that reminds me. Since your mother's pregnancy, she has gotten a few cravings that I should say, are a bit odd."
"Exactly how odd?" Xander asked cautiously, only to be answered by loud Chinese cursing coming from the kitchen. "Um, who's that?"
"Well, since your mother has thankfully given up her attempts at cooking for a while," Xander could have sworn his father mumbled something about being outsmarted by pudding, "We decided to get rent out a cook. He came highly recommended."
The door to the kitchen cracked open as something small and grey streaked out of the kitchen and into the basement. This was followed as the kitchen door was opened fully by a stern looking sumo-huge Asian man wearing a blood-stained butcher's outfit and wielding a three-foot long cleaver.
"Where did fuzzy food go?" He asked in a heavy Chinese accent.
"Um, the basement," Xander replied. "Er, exactly what are you making?"
"General Mao's famous Siamese, er, no.. sesame chicken!"
Xander glanced into the kitchen and saw something sticking out of the immense wok. "Um, since when did 'chickens' have grey furry tails?"
The large Asian cook narrowed his eyes and brandished his massive cooking knife, "Since TODAY!"
With that, the man lumbered off into the basement muttering, "Heeere fuzzy, here fuzzy fuzzy."
Xander sighed, "So, dad. This guy, um, who or what exactly recommended him?"
Tony Harris just grinned.
The boy buried his face in his hands, "It was a 'what', wasn't it?"
Tony Harris continued grinning.
The next day, Xander and Willow were at the school. They wanted to ask a few clarifying questions on their computer studies homework from Jenny Calender while she was doing a little one-on-one with Cordelia.
When they entered the computer lab, Cordelia looked up from her book and snorted, "Oh great. Another thing for me to try to ignore."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Xander asked.
Cordelia just pointed to the front of the class. Philip, Giles' friend, was sitting at a desk in the far corner, engrossed in a book that looked like it came from Giles's private stash in the library. At the head of the class, Giles was talking to Jenny about their upcoming date.
It was then that Giles saw something on the desk which sparked his memory, "Uh, Miss Calender. Is that the notebook you were writing in when Xander's father..."
"No!" Jenny quickly hid said notebook and pretended to look innocent. "Whatever you're thinking that was, it's not. And I will most certainly not attempt to try items 4, 6, or 7 from it during our date."
"Can't.. can't we just go to a nice, um, monster truck show or something?" Giles stammered.
"I do love monster trucks." Jenny's smile grew big, "Just for that, maybe I won't try number 5 on the list as well."
"Right, then," said an exasperated Giles.
"Hey guys! Guess who I found sneaking around the library," Came Buffy's voice as she entered the room, dragging in Ethan Rayne by the neck using her slayer strength.
"Hello, Ripper. How's tricks?" Ethan said and then let out a grunt of pain as Buffy's grip tightened.
"You no talk now." Buffy spoke like someone would to a naughty puppy, "Bad costume store guy! Bad!"
"And guess who all I found? Everyone who has summoned me! Rupert, Ethan, Philip; long time no see," The computer door lab slammed open as the demon Eyghon strode in. His form looked like a tall muscled leather armor-clad demon that dripped brown goo with each step. Immediately he grabbed two computer monitors, yanked them loose of the wires, and tossed them at his stunned audience. One hit Ethan, knocking him out of Buffy's grip and robbing him of consciousness. The other hit a stunned Philip and took him down.
Grinning at the success of his attack, Eyghon tossed two more monitors. Giles, moving with the speed borne of a watcher that has been on the hellmouth, managed to duck his. The other hit Jenny Calender in the torso, rocking her head backwards into the blackboard and knocking her out.
"Jenny!" Giles exclaimed as he crawled over to his romantic interest and checked to see if she was alright. Willow, Xander, and Cordelia overturned the desks nearest to them and took cover.
Buffy raced at the demon at full slayer speed and launched a spinning side kick. With a 'glop'-like sound, Eyghon flew across the room until he impacted a wall with seemingly no damage whatsoever. The slayer then looked down. "Ew! You go goop all over my shoes! No one messes with the shoes!"
The tiny blond girl went into a combo of hits and kicks. Eyghon just smiled and took it all, again without any damage.
Buffy backed off. That was when her slayer-enhanced senses told her something. "Hmm, you smell like chocolate. Giles, why didn't you tell me that when you were a little Giles, you summoned up a chocolate demon?"
"I'm NOT a chocolate demon! I'm Eyghon, the Sleepwalker! A demon of pleasure and dreams." Eyghon proclaimed.
"Dreamy pleasure? Sounds like a demon of chocolate to me." Buffy said and thought for a moment before frowning. "Also, I associated dreamy pleasure with chocolate a bit too fast. I think it's been far too long since I've been on a date."
"So how do you know Giles and Ethan, then?" Willow asked from behind her overturned computer desk.
"They placed their mark on themselves and summoned me to posses them during their revels."
"Wait, revels?" Xander asked from behind his overturned desk.
Eyghon just grinned, "Orgies."
Buffy's eyes widened, "Oh, ew! Ew! EWwwww! Giles naked orgy! Ew!"
"Aughh!" Xander groaned, "You just had to place that image in my head. That's bunches, Buffy!"
"I was not the one to have gooey Giles-y chocolate demon orgies!"
"You know, if you just take out the words 'demon', "Giles-y", and 'not' from that.."
"Don't you finish that sentence, Xander!" Buffy pointed an accusatory finger at her friend, "I already have enough problems whenever someone starts speaking about Dobermen. I don't want to remember the Doberman! And I don't want any new permanently scarring mental images, thank you very much."
"Can we not talk about this at right this moment, please?" Giles said while checking to see that Philip was alright.
"Fine," Xander turned towards the demon, "So, exactly why are you here and what's the deal with your chocolate candy center body?"
"My old body was unable to hold in all of my magnificence without destroying itself. But this new body I found! It's perfect! I'm still not sure why, but there's been no decomposition at all. With this new body, I can conquer all of creation!" Eyghon ranted, "but first, I need to kill all those with my mark."
"Isn't getting a tattoo painful enough?" Xander quipped.
"No, not really," The demon just shook his head, "Besides, it was all part of the summoning contract. Live fast, die young, leave a handsome corpse and all that."
"Wait! You've been studying magic, Xander. Try one of your spells." Willow nudged her oldest friend.
"Okay.. um," Xander thought for a moment, "Ravage this demon as never before! Total destruction FROM MOUNTAIN TO SHORE!"
Willow just stared incredulously at her friend, "Did.. did you just channel Gargamel from the Smurfs?"
"Shut up." Xander blushed in embarrassment, "Fine. Magic, do what you will!"
Willow smiled gently, "That was from 'The Last Unicorn'. I love that movie!"
"Gaahh!" Xander buried his face in his hands. "I don't know any good offensive spells. I'm still trying to get small cantrips to do what I want them to."
"As entertaining as all of this is, I should be busy killing you all and then taking over the world about now." Eyghon said. Then, lightning quick, he turned both of his hands into long tentacles and swatted Xander and Buffy into a wall. Willow squeaked in fright and ducked down behind her overturned desk again.
"Hey watcher of mine. Did you know this 'Igor' demon could go all liquid terminator like this?" Buffy asked while ducking and rolling out of the way of a follow-up attack.
"He never could before." Giles replied while ducking behind the corner of the teacher's desk. The demon saw him, though, and easily grabbed a nearby chair with his tentacle before flinging in around the desk and into the British man. Giles groaned and faded into unconsciousness.
"Giles!" Buffy screamed and renewed her attacks. But all of them seemed ineffective against the demon's gelatinous body.
"Wait! Gooey. Chocolaty. Homicidal. You're what happened to one of Xander's mom's puddings!" Willow put together the pieces. "And Xander, you said last time her dinner was brought down by burning chainsaws."
"Oh that's great. Let's just waltz on over to the nearest 'Chainsaws on Fire Are Us' and pick some up pronto." Cordelia sniped.
"Shut up if you don't want to die, Cordelia." Willow scowled angrily.
"What? Talking won't change anything. The demon is already trying to kill us." The popular girl replied.
Willow narrowed her eyes, "I said 'die'. I didn't mean killed by the demon. Now unless you have a helpful idea, be quiet!"
The brunette cheerleader 'eeped' and ducked back behind her desk and away from Willow.
Xander nodded, "Yeah, my parents magically cast a fire burning spell on the things."
"Wait, the chainsaws were on fire magically?" Willow asked.
"Sure. What? You thought we just dipped the chainsaws in gasoline and lit them? That is completely against what it says in the instruction manuals!"
The redheaded girl shook her head and turned back towards Xander, "So I'm guessing fire will hurt it. Try every fire spell you've ever heard of, Xander!"
Xander nodded and held out his hands. "Okay. Um.. Incendio!"
"Fireball! Flamethrower attack! Explosion Array! Fiero! Burning hands! Ifrit! Magic missile plus five!"
"Damn it, why won't you just ignite?!"
The demon split his arm tentacles into four and doubled his efforts to spear the white hats.
"I came as soon as I gaughhhh!" Angel said as he rushed into the room only to be promptly speared through the chest by a chocolaty tentacle and thrown across the room.
"Well, he was a big help," Xander sighed and then turned to the demon, "You know, with all those chocolaty tentacles, shouldn't you wait until Willow, Cordelia, or Buffy were wearing sexy Japanese school girl uniforms or wrestling swimsuits or something?"
Immediately, Xander saw three angry glares shot in his direction. "And damn it if my brain-to-mouth filter chose this moment to stop working."
"As amusing as all this has been, I am through playing. It's been fun, but destiny awaits!" Eyghon said.
"Maybe, but not for you!" Xander said and made a rising motion with his hand. The demon rose into the air.
Everyone stared at the tentacled chocolate pudding demon that was hovering near the ceiling.
Eyghon just blinked. "Okay, so now I'm floating. Is there a point to this?"
Xander sweated, "Well, whenever I tried to levitate anything else before, it would kinda make with the fire and explode instead. But now, it seems to be working. So huh, what a time for that to happen?"
"Indeed." Eyghon agreed before spearing Xander with a tentacle through the abdomen and tossing him across the classroom and next to Angel's body. The levitation spell ended and the demon settled back on the ground.
"Xander!!" Willow screamed. She then faced the demon and stepped out slightly from behind her "You.. you.. big meanie!"
"And what are you going to do about it, girl?" Eyghon grinned.
Willow just narrowed her eyes, focused as much magic as she could into her intent, and said, "BURN!"
And like a struck match, the pudding demon caught ablaze. Screeching and flailing around, Eyghon felt his body start to give way to the magical flame.
With a last burst of strength, the demon extended his burning tentacles and speared a computer monitor through the glass screen before flinging it. Then, using the last of it's fading power, Eyghon transfered himself to the nearest unconscious body.
Xander was crawling along towards the burning demon, dragging Angel's body; when said body gave a twitch and started to spasm. A minute later, the twitching stopped.
"Ugh," Angel said, slowly coming back to consciousness, "Eyghon's gone. He tried to jump into me. Just his luck that I've had a demon inside me for a couple hundred years... just waiting for a good fight."
"Winner and still champion," Buffy said before turning to Xander, "Are you okay? Good thing you thought of bringing Angel close, so 'Egg-run' here would have a host with a demon that could fight back."
"Err.. yeah," Xander scratched his head. His plan just called for using the vampire's body to club the flaming demon over the head until both stopped moving. That would have solved two problems at once. But this was good, too,
"I'm fine. I just need an hour or so for my intestines and kidney to regenerate themselves," Xander examined the massive bloody hole in his torso and shrugged, "No worries. Bastard ruined my shirt, though."
"What the hell happened here!?" The classroom doors opened and a fuming Principal Snyder walked in.
Xander looked around. There were broken computer monitors all over the floor, desks had been flipped over, brown goo was dripping from the walls and from the ceiling onto the floor, two teachers and several unknown adults were splayed out unconsciously, and in the middle of the room smoldered a happily bubbling chocolaty mess of pudding - still on fire.
The boy quickly pointed to Ethan's unconscious form. "A wizard did it!"
A large blob of goo chose that moment to fall from the ceiling right onto the principal's head.
"Wasn't me!" Xander exclaimed, "Blame the wizard!"
"I don't want to know. Just clean all this up or you and all your friends will be expelled," Snyder said while backing away through the doors.
Buffy chose that moment to climb out from behind a desk, "Is he gone yet?"
"Yeah, Snyder is.. oh my god!" Xander screamed as he noticed something in a corner behind Buffy. "Willow!!"
And there, in the corner, lay the redheaded witch in an ever expanding puddle of blood. The final thrown monitor at her side, and a large shard of broken glass embedded bloodily right in the middle of her forehead.
AN: Yes, I thought of ending the chapter right here, because this is where a commercial would go if this was a series. But then, I realized that I hate cliffhangers. Enjoy!
Buffy, Xander, Angel, and even Cordelia were at Willow's side almost instantly.
"She's still breathing," Angel exclaimed, "But her heart is slowing."
"We need to call a hospital!" Cordelia exclaimed and got out her cell phone, "I don't want her to die or get brain damage. It will be really hard for her to tutor me if she does either of those things."
"There's no time!" Xander said frantically and grabbed Cordelia's phone despite the girl's protests. The boy then dialed a number.
"Dad! It's an emergency. Willow's been hurt. She's dieing. I don't know how long. No, I don't think there's time for you to get a taco on the way. It doesn't matter what kind of topping I want, it's no time for tacos. Yes. Yes. Chicken is fine. Wait, I mean I don't care if you're there now, peel out of the takeout window and come save Willow now! Pronto!"
One minute later, Xander was eating a chicken taco while his parents shoo-ed everyone out of the classroom for secrecy. Willow was barely holding onto life as Tony and Jessica came up to Xander.
"You know what you are asking of us, right?" Tony asked seriously.
"Yeah. Willow will have to be adopted as my sister." Xander stated.
"Yes. Because the alternative, well, it's very impolite to get married when your bride is unconscious," Tony smiled, "Makes for an utterly forgettable honeymoon."
"Riiight," Xander said before turning to his best friend as her breathing slowed even more and set down the Orb of Thesulah just in case, "Let's do this!"
"Uhh, why do I feel like I should have a headache?" Willow said as she came back to consciousness several hours later, "Oh, hi Xander."
Xander smiled, "And hello to you, my new sister."
"Wha.. What?" Willow blinked in confusion.
"Had to adopt you into the family to save your life. You were almost killed by a computer monitor," Xander said.
"You know, that was very similar to the way I thought I'd leave this world," Willow smiled.
The smile faded when Tony started to talk, "Welcome to the family, new daughter of ours. But, don't worry. Good news. Genetically, you're still different enough for an 'incest is best' relationship!"
Xander's father then added with an even bigger grin, "Heh, 'Willow' plus 'incest' equals 'wincest'!"
"Dad!" Xander exclaimed in embarrassment.
Jessica chimed in, "Don't worry, daughter Willow, the process you underwent makes you immune to every STD and you can only get pregnant if you focus strongly on the desire during intercourse."
"Free love has never been free-er," Tony Harris added.
Willow shook off a newly recurring compulsion to just jump Xander's bones right then and there, "So, how does this process work?"
"We can show you the exact ritual later," Jessica elegantly drawled out, "But theoretically, you realize that a vampire is essentially a dead human animated and held together by demonic energies, right?"
"Well then, our family discovered a way to make it so a person is held together by magical energies instead. That way, you have most of the gifts of vampires; speed, strength, near invulnerability - and none of the weaknesses like aversion to sunlight, exploding when staked by wood through the heart, loosing your soul, or worst of all, a liquid diet."
"Wow!" Willow exclaimed. Then had a thought, "So what exactly are the drawbacks of this procedure?"
Jessica answered, "Well, while your speed is greater than a fledgling vampire, almost to slayer levels, your strength isn't as great. This process can not be leaked outside the family, of course. And it does have a rather high failure rate."
"Um, what happens if it fails?"
Xander shrugged, "Your head would have exploded."
"Your head, if you were lucky!" Tony added with a grin.
Willow, always the bright one, quickly put two and two together, "Wait! Ford! Is that what happened?"
Xander gave a nod, "He wanted to sacrifice Buffy to a bunch of vamps in exchange for being turned. I stopped him and decided to give him what he wanted. I used him as a guinea pig for my first try doing it solo. It didn't work. Then mom saved his soul and made him a new body. He's our new butler. I named him 'Dodge'."
"Yeah. He had a whole automotive thing going on with 'Ford' and all. Also, I figure it's a small price to pay for curing his tumors and increased lifespan and strength in a new shiny body. Speaking of which, we need to call Dodge and have him clean all this mess up. Snyder saw all this and threatened to expel everyone."
"Not you, Willow. You were too busy lying with a big old glass shard in your noggin," Xander said, "Speaking of which..."
With a yank, the bloody shard came free of Willow's forehead. The wound closed almost instantly.
"I was wondering why it was itchy there." The redhead was amazed that it the wound didn't hurt at all, "But other than a little itchiness, I don't feel too different. I know I'm your new mystically adopted sister, Xander, but don't expect me to speak in perfect deadpan all the time or put my hair into two long braids."
Xander smiled, "But your name even starts with the same letter as Wednesday."
"Hmm, Willow Harris? It's got a nice ring, "Willow remembered her childhood fantasies of marriage to her best friend, "Too bad it can't be legal."
"Actually," Jessica Harris gave a slim smile, "I weaved a bit of magic with the legal system. Due to your parents' negligence and subsequent adoption into a family that actively wants you, indeed now you actually are 'Willow Harris', dear."
"Still like I said, it doesn't mean you can't marry Xander later. It'd be a very Brady Bunch thing to do, but that's still legal in most states, I think," Tony said with a grin.
"What if my natural parents contest?"
"I think we will have no problems convincing them," Tony Harris' grin widened and grew a touch more sinister. Then he had another thought, "You're now in the family! I can't believe this. You know, there's never been a member of the family like her before."
"What?" Xander exclaimed, "Jewish?"
"No, a natural redhead!" The father grinned while wagging his eyebrows, "Very exotic."
There were massive hugs all around when Willow came out of the disarrayed computer room. While most everyone were clustered around a new smiling Willow, Xander's parents helped with with anyone still unconscious. Giles and Jenny woke up (with Jenny more than a little wary around her former beau), but Philip was still out of it.
Xander then noticed something, "Hey, Mom, Dad, where did Ethan go?"
"Oh, him?" Tony grinned, "Well, we figured the new torture room had been so empty lately."
"Besides, we still have to 'thank' him for all that he has done to us," Jessica Harris nodded.
Xander's father added with more than a little malice, "Thank him.. repeatedly!"
That was why on the ride home, Xander just smiled and told Willow to ignore the recurring thumping noise coming from the family car's trunk.