Author: lost logic PM
No one likes Lockhart, the staff is scared, the headmaster is sulking, and Minerva is about to commit homicide. Why? Because Rolanda Hooch has a plan and Severus Snape is along for the ride. She's gonna see it through to the end, you should too.Rated: Fiction T - English - Romance/Humor - Minerva M. & Albus D. - Chapters: 13 - Words: 25,249 - Reviews: 228 - Favs: 118 - Follows: 42 - Updated: 08-13-08 - Published: 04-27-08 - Status: Complete - id: 4222826
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A/N: This idea just randomly popped into my head when I was supposed to be paying attention in math class… Review to tell me if you like it and maybe I'll keep it going. If you can think of a better title tell me. -Sloane
Disclaimer: I own nothing, but did anyone think that I'd say anything different?
Baiting Lockhart: Chapter one—A Wager And A Plan.
It was another rainy Saturday at Hogwarts. The faculty was gathered in the staff room, waiting for Dumbledore to arrive to start the meeting. Most were chatting quietly, some were finishing up some marking, but all were annoyed—very annoyed. And none more so than Rolanda Hooch. She found herself cornered by Gilderoy Lockhart, and really that's never a pleasant experience. So Rolanda, having been abandoned by her colleagues, sat trapped listening to Lockhart do what he did best: brag.
"—And then, get this, the chief actually offers his daughter for my wife! I know, right! And well, as you'd imagine, she was rather disappointed when I declined, but who wouldn't be?" He gave a roguish wink and Rolanda suppressed the urge to gag.
Snape chose that moment to walk towards the door with the intention of finding just what was keeping the Headmaster. Almost to the door, Lockhart intercepted him.
Rolanda smirked. If she had to put up with the witless wonder than Severus would suffer through along with her.
"Severus must know what I'm talking about." Lockhart was oblivious to the death glare he was getting. It was all Rolanda could do to not burst out laughing. She would treasure the look on Severus' face forever. Classic.
" I'm sure you had quite a few witches after you in your day." Snape's eyebrows rose dangerously. Lockhart continued, not noticing his co-worker's icy demeanor.
"Of course, it does come easier to some of us." He paused to beam around the room. "I've got women lining up just to meet me." He nodded knowingly to Rolanda. "I could get any witch I wanted."
This time Rolanda really did start laughing. She quickly tried to pass it off it off as a cough. The buffoon noticed nothing, he just kept grinning.
"Oh really?" Snape had finally succeeded in prying himself from Gilderoy's grip and his tone was glacier-like. "As fascinating as that is, I've got—"
"I propose a wager!"
This pronouncement was met with very mixed reactions. Severus raised his eyebrows again, Gilderoy whooped excitedly, and mutters sounded from the remaining staff members. Their attention had been drawn to the conversation when Lockhart had grabbed Snape, and though they'd never admit it, Rolanda knew that it was because they all rather hoped that Snape would curse him.
Rolanda ploughed on, grinning in a Slytherin-esque way, " I bet you couldn't get Minerva McGonagall to fall for you."
Gasps sounded and Poppy Pomfrey shot her a look that foretold a stern talking to.
Augh, did that man ever not smile? She pretended to look at her watch. "Well, there's time now. Perhaps Minerva hasn't left her rooms yet. She may require an escort…" She trailed off looking at Lockhart pointedly.
"I know! I'll escort her!" He flashed them all one more grin and ran off to win the fair Minerva's heart.
As soon as the door snapped shut behind him, Rolanda was bombarded with very loud enquiries.
"What were you thinking? Wait—were you even thinking at all?"
"You know she'll kill you right? She hates him!"
"Hell, she'll kill us all!"
"If we were muggles I would so sue you for the damages that will undoubtedly occur."
Rolanda held up her hands for silence. To everyone's surprise she was smiling.
"Dear Merlin," Whispered Emily Vector, "She's gone 'round the twist."
Rolanda sighed. "I have not. Don't look at me like that Filius; I've got a plan."
Snape rolled his eyes. "This had better be good. And quick. They'll be here any moment."
"Well, if you would all stop interrupting me." She shook her head dramatically. "So here it is, no one likes Lockhart, right? So, I figured we'll just unleash the Scottish Storm onto the poor idiot and BAM—problem solved."
"We'll be murdered."
"Honestly Pomona, we're the best and brightest in our respective fields. Surely, we can handle something simple like this."
"You know it's true, Ro!" The plump Herbology witch continued, flustered. "Even if by some miracle we survive an angry Minerva, Dumbledore will have our heads after he's done with Lockhart!"
They stared blankly her. Except Snape, who suddenly understood when he saw Rolanda's smirk.
"Why were you not a Slytherin? That's golden."
Rolanda looked rather pleased with her self. "Why thank you."
"What's golden? What's going on?"
He turned to address the rest. "The plan is not just for getting rid of Lockhart; it's for knocking some sense into our employer!" His smirk matched Rolanda's perfectly.
Poppy was still rather confused. "I thought that the thought of those two together made you ill?"
"That was before Albus saw fit to start confiding everything in me and asking for advice. Advice, I tell you!" He shuddered.
"So what do we do?" Squeaked Flitwick. "Lockhart will probably come seeking advice once his first attempts prove fruitless…"
"Just tell him to do the stuff Minerva hates. Like calling her Minnie."
"Why, thank you, I like to think so. Everybody in then?"
They all nodded.
"You realize, of course," began Sarah Sinstra, "That if forced we will give your names as the masterminds?"
"What? This is Rolanda's half-baked scheme, not m—"
"Who you calling half-baked, Greasy!?"
"Greasy? I'll have you know I have a scalp condition!"
Quite suddenly the door opened. Rolanda and Severus shut up immediately. Framed in the doorway stood an annoyed Deputy Headmistress, an extremely talkative idiot, and a sulky Headmaster. Perfect. Phase one was complete.
A/N: So how was that? I hoped you all liked it. Review to tell me if I should continue with this or not, and if I should give me some ideas for a new title, please. -Sloane