Before I Sleep

Two months… and still nothing. I still love him, but it means nothing.

--

“I know you don’t want to hear it—but I love you…”

Silence…

“I want to say something… but I don’t know if this is the right time.”

Sniff.

“Just say it,” Sob, “you have nothing to lose anyways…”

Silence…

“I love you too…”

It was the first time I heard him say that in the year that we were together for. I love you too… it was the first and last time I heard him say that, because that was the night we were breaking up…

“So I guess we’re just friends?”

Pause.

“Just friends?”

Deep breath.

“Yeah, Kagome—just friends…”

I closed my eyes, pressing the phone against my ear, hoping to God he’d hear the plea’s in my heart… “Only friends?”

Exasperated groan.

“Only friends.”

I glanced at my digital clock. It was 5am. I had school in two hours and I hadn’t had a wink of sleep.

“Inuyasha?”

“Hmm…”

“I love you.”

Pause.

“I love you too, Kagome.”

2 months later--

Got that feeling again
'Cause you still haven't call since God knows when…

Two months ago my long term boyfriend and I broke up. I was up until 5 in the morning talking to him, trying to figure out why and how everything went wrong. Sitting in my Data Management class, I stared at the teacher write something about Permutations on the dry erase board—nothing functioned in my brain. I sat in the aisle chair, to my right Yuka and to her right Ayumi.

Hojo, my friend shared a desk with me since he was too lazy to get a desk of his own. My mind kept traveling to the face of the man that stole my heart three years ago--

Takahashi Inuyasha.

All alone in the dark
I need you by my side when I wake up…

Three years ago I met him at work, his mom being the woman that hired me. At first I hated him—with a passion. He constantly teased me, poked me whenever I was unaware of him (since I have extremely ticklish nerves), and had fun with me. He was my trainer, taught me how to function the registers, how to prepare everything and most of all—how to have fun at work. That was three years ago.

A year ago, it was the Christmas party at work and I had no ride there. My mother was telling me that I can’t go without a ride. I find out later that night that Izayoi had asked Inuyasha to drive me to Tokyo for our Christmas party—and Inuyasha agreed.

We were in Inuyasha’s father’s red Toyota Corolla, driving with Bankotsu down to Tokyo for our night party—it was fun. We all danced, enjoying the time off work. Inuyasha’s cousin, Shiori, didn’t want to attend but she worked with us too…

I danced with everyone, having the time of my life and Inuyasha just sat there, watching. Occasionally he’d get up to have a smoke but he’d always come back, sit down and watch again—

Oh! The day prior to the Christmas party, I had gotten my drivers permit and the day after the party was my 17th birthday. Inuyasha had promised me that he’d give me two presents: one recognizing my driver’s license and one as a birthday present.

I was waiting…

While I wanted to wait

Faring forth but I know the weather won't change…

There was a raffle draw at the party and Inuyasha had given me his ticket, telling me if it was the wining ticket, I could take something in his behalf and that would be considered my driver’s license present. Amazingly enough, Inuyasha’s ticket was the winning one and I had received one out of two presents.

The dancing began again and I walked up to Inuyasha, smiling tiredly seeing as it was close to midnight—my birthday.

I sat down beside him, our legs touching. “Wanna dance?”

Inuyasha smirked. “I don’t dance.”

I rolled my eyes, so immature back then… “Everyone dances you hobo.” I snickered. “Besides, you owe me a birthday present.”

Laughing, Inuyasha only adjusted his blazer. “Fine. I promise you before the night is out, I will give you a dance. Happy?”

I grinned. “Very.”

Maybe later I might
Find you inside my dreams tonight…

It was 11:35pm and I was tired out. We were there from 6pm, close to 6 hours already. I glanced at Inuyasha who was drinking something and talking to a few co-workers in and around the theater hall. Sighing, I didn’t want to be a party pooper but I had to get home before my mother threw a fit. I went up to Inuyasha and tugged on his sleeve. He looked up at me.

“When are you planning to leave?” I inquired. “If it’s after midnight then I’ll just go home with Eri and her mom.”

Inuyasha shook his head. “Nah, I’ll take you home.”

“You sure?”

Inuyasha nodded. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

We both bade our farewells before he climbed back into the Corolla. I fastened my seatbelt and just as I did, Inuyasha leaned over me, his body in close proximity with mine. He gripped a switched and reclined my seat back before pulling back, smirking.

“Comfortable?”

I blushed. “Yes…”

The ride was quiet and unbearable as he blazed the freeway, getting us back to Tomoeda before the night was out. I started recognizing our surroundings, specific landmarks and street names and I knew we were close to our homes. Inuyasha lived a block away from me. I saw the turn Inuyasha had to make but he drove straight past it. My heart began racing…

“Inuyasha?”

“Yeah?”

“Where are you taking me?”

“You’ll see…”

Before I sleep I say a prayer
Take me back to the love we shared

I saw the community park and frowned, wondering what Inuyasha was doing there. We were at a park close to midnight when I should be home. Suspicious.

It was freezing cold and Inuyasha pulled into an empty parking space. “I promised you a dance before the night was out, didn’t I?”

My eyes widened as I looked over at him. I totally had forgotten about that dance that he owed me. So that’s why he drove here… I thought. Silently nodding, I put on my jacket and got out of the car, cold wind lashing against my skin. Inuyasha got out and left the car doors open, letting the music blast from his car. Taking off his blazer, he wrapped it around my shoulders, on top of the jacket I was already wearing.

“To keep you warm,” He whispered in my ear.

I blushed. “What about you?”

“I’ll be okay.” He responded as his arms went around my waist. I felt him shivering and when I went to put my hands around his shoulders, his jacket fell off.

“Oh!” I gasped. He smirked as he put his blazer back on.

“I guess we have to keep each other warm…”

I giggled as my arms went around his shoulder again. He gripped my waist and pulled me towards him. My face dug into his shoulder and I began convulsing in cold. His arms tightened around me, I felt worry seep out of him.

“Kagome?”

“I’m fine.”

“No you’re not,” Without letting go of me, he pushed me towards the car, “get in.”

Listening to him, I got into the car and he slammed the door shut. Going around, he got into the drivers side and cranked up the heater, trying to warm me up before I died because of overdose of cold. The entire ride back to my place, he had his hand on mine…

Let me find that love divine
When we were together…

We were parked in front of my home at 11:57pm, three minutes before my birthday. I grinned, looking at him. “Thanks.”

He smirked. “Any time—and now,” he leaned forward slightly, “your birthday present?”

I frowned, somewhat confused. “Wasn’t the dance--”

“Shh,” he hushed me, “do you want it or not?”

I glanced over at him. “Alright, give me…”

And I felt his cold lips on mine. It wasn’t even a second but to me, it was eternity…

That was my first kiss…

12:00am.

“Happy birthday.”

Before I sleep I say a prayer
Take me back to the love we shared

After that night we were pretty much an official couple. We talked on the phone every night, went out at every chance and spent ever possible minute together. December 10th was our day (the Christmas party was held a month advance of Christmas as to not interfere with sales). Inuyasha and I were inseparable and I fell hopelessly in love with the man. Eventually I gave him my virginity, knowing that this was one man that I would definitely not regret. And I don’t.

I wake up from my little trip down memory lane to come back to Data Management. The teacher was talking about factorials and permutations and whatever else he wanted to talk about but still, the words went through one ear and came out the other. Glancing over, I saw Yuka and Ayumi work hard and Hojo was taking an extended bathroom break.

My head fell back down to the desk, remembering the break up night. It was clear, like it happened two days ago instead of two months ago…

Why?! I asked him. He was silent.

I’m scared, he murmured, I already lost one girl I loved so long ago… I don’t want that happening with you.

From what I’ve learnt, Inuyasha has loved only one woman before me and that was years ago. But his best friend, Kouga, had taken that girl away from him. Inuyasha’s two years older than me. While I was turning 18, he was turning 20.

But how will you know that’ll happen if you don’t give us a chance? I had pleaded. This was on the phone, that fateful night two months ago.

I just know… bad things happen to me Kagome. My real mother and father died when I was a kid—you know that…

I know but if you assume bad things will happen, then they will Inuyasha!! I was desperate. I didn’t want to lose this man…

A year with him—it wasn’t a long time but to me, it was an eternity. He took my first kiss, my virginity; I just couldn’t lose him like that!!

I don’t assume Kagome. He sounded stern, I know.

Let me find that love divine
When we were together…

After that conversation, Inuyasha and I hadn’t talked for two months, the time of length that we were broken up for. I was a wreck, a mess—a complete failure. My friends were starting to get annoyed at me, at my random breakdowns, my complaints, my wrecked soul—I was becoming an annoyance.

But I was a heartbroken girl. He broke up with me because he was scared of commitment. He was scared of losing me.

Immaturity.

That was the reason that the man of my dreams left me. He was immature and too scared of losing me. Therefore, to prevent extreme pain for himself, he hurt me.

But despite all that, I love him. I want him…

My best friends tell me that after a man does what Inuyasha did to me (hurt me, make me cry, treat me badly) why should I pine? But to me, there is something about Inuyasha that makes this entire thing worthwhile… despite all the bad things he’s done; there are the good ones…

And you were still mine

The bell rang and I jumped out of my seat. I bade my friends farewell before zipping out of the classroom. Sango was waiting for me since we had a mall date that day before I dropped to the gym to get some running on the treadmill done (and thinking). Everything I did weighted me down and the only thing that I could possibly do was cry but that I wanted to keep to a minimum. I would go home at night and lay in bed and think.

Then cry.

Not before then. Rushing to my car, I dropped my backpack in the trunk and turned the ignition, waiting for Sango to arrive. My mother knew we were going to the mall so she didn’t expect me home till past seven. I saw a small hooded black blob and I knew that was Sango striding towards my 2005 Hyundai Elantra. Popping into the driver’s seat, I shifted my gear to reverse and began to move out of my parking space as Sango made it towards me.

I just can't go on
All I wanted have gone wrong

My eyes lazily trailed to a house on the far end of the street.

Inuyasha’s house.

He lived right in front of my high school so whenever I drove to or from school, I would see that house and I would try to spot his pale purple Honda Accord. Back when we went to the Christmas party, he didn’t have a car but he had recently gotten one. In the driveway was the epic Toyota Corolla and a Pontiac Montana. The Accord was nowhere to be seen and that gave me a sense of closure.

If I couldn’t see him, I made my day seeing his car—or house. It was something that was beginning to destroy me. My life didn’t revolve around Inuyasha but everything I did… had something to do with him…

Tears fall like rain
But they just don't put out the flames

“Done viewing?” Sango opened the passenger side door and got in. She knew I was staring at his house and she let me do it, knowing that I got something out of it. I blinked before I shifted my gear and zoomed out of the parking lot. I said nothing because there was nothing to say…

I knew she was right.

“You have to stop, Kagome.” Sango murmured, “This isn’t healthy.”

I could only shrug, no reply.

“You know he’s not coming back.”

I fought back tears.

“So stop waiting for him!! This isn’t healthy for your mind or body!”

I bit my lip. “But I love him…”

“I know you do baby,” Sango pleaded, her eyes studying my profile. “I know he means so much to you. He took your virginity just like how Miroku took mine and I know I’d die if he just left but—you have to try to get over it.”

“Stop contradicting yourself.” I muttered. “If you would die if Miroku leaves you then don’t tell me to get over it.”

This entire Inuyasha thing turned me bitter.

Great.

I’m surprised I still have friends…

Everything I do
Only seems to remind me of you…

Sango and I drove past his house, both of our heads turning at the same time to keep our lingering gaze on the house. Sighing, I turn my head and continued to drive, void of any emotions.

It hurt…

I love him…

Please come back to stay
'Cause you make everything ok…

Sango and I shopped for a little while before she had a call from work. She worked in the mall so she merely hugged me and bade me farewell, hoping that I felt better soon…

Yeah right.

I can’t feel better. Everything and anything I do remind me of him. Closing my eyes, I began crying, not being able to contain myself. I walked silently to my car, hoping to God that something would be able to make me feel better…

Two months—

Two months…

Nothing’s changed.

Two months – And I still love him.

Before I sleep I say a prayer
Take me back to the love we shared

It’s 11:11, make a wish Kagome, I told myself as I closed my eyes that night, letting the tears roll down my cheek. I’ve been living like this for two months, praying every night that things would go back to the way it was…

That me and Inuyasha were back again…

Let me find that love divine
When we were together…

Before I sleep I say a prayer
Take me back to the love we shared

Let me find that love divine
When we were together…

I know I’ll wake up tomorrow and repeat everything I did today. Maybe not malling with Sango, but definitely something else with my friends—maybe going to the Lakeshore, movies, chilling in Sango’s basement. Or maybe I’ll be with my family doing family stuff…

And then at night I’ll remember all the wonderful things Inuyasha and I had experienced…

Dancing under the stars…
--Birthday kiss…
Going out…
--Making Love…
Falling In Love…

Tomorrow is just another day
It's so hard to face the future
While you're away…

And cry. Cry because I want everything back again—I want to repeat all the wonderful moments we had together. I want to relive those moments where I was his world and he was mine…

I want him to be able to say that that’s her to his friends. To claim me as his girlfriend, not just a friend… not just a stranger.

I want him.

His smiles.

Laughter.

Spirit.

Soul.

Personality.

Walk.

Strut.

Ability to make me smile with just a glance.

His voice.

His everything.

I miss him—I want him…

I love him.

Before I sleep I say a prayer
Take me back to the love we shared

Let me find that love divine
When we were together…

Before I sleep I say a prayer
Take me back to the love we shared

Let me find that love divine
When we were together…

I picked up my cell phone, Sony Ericsson W300i, sleek and black. Inuyasha has the same exact phone—except his is white. We hadn’t bought it together though—it was pure coincidence.

I flipped it open and went into text message. Gulping, I slowly hit the keys…

Hey you :) Long tiiime!! What’s good? Holla back wenevr you can :)

Send…

Putting the phone down beside me, I lay my head on my pillow, allowing the tears to freely slide down my cheek.

Before I sleep I say a prayer
Take me back to the love we shared

I pray that Inuyasha and I were back together again…

Let me find that love divine
When we were together…

Back to the days where I was yours… And you were still mine

One-shot based on a true story.

Disclaimer: Before I Sleep is originally a Romanian song. I do not own it.

Question:

What should Kagome do? Text message has been sent (in the real life story) and now she is, patiently, waiting for a reply (if she gets one). She’s a friend of mine actually and—we’re in dire need of advice. She loves this man so terribly that it hurts us (her friends) to see her cry over him. She wants him back and he loves her too—but he’s afraid of commitment. The text message was sent just prior to posting this fanfic—

What can she do?