|The Drinking Game
Author: Zilchtastic PM
It happens so often, there ought to be a drinking game, really.Rated: Fiction M - English - Humor/Parody - Words: 1,324 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 4 - Published: 05-01-08 - Status: Complete - id: 4230344
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The last body hit the ground with a dirt-shaking thud. Gojyo was already fishing in his pockets for his lighter, a wrinkled cigarette clenched between his teeth.
"This is startin' to get old," he said.
"Starting?" Hakkai brushed wholly imaginary dirt off the front of his shirt. "I would think you'd have found this to be tiring after the first time."
Across the clearing bullet-casings rattled to the ground with a metallic clink. Sanzo made an angry sound, like he was spitting. "These idiots have no taste. How many times is this, now?"
Goku was crouched down, poking one of the bodies with a stick. "Gross! The eyes fell outta this one. They weren't real well made, were they?" His nose wrinkled up, critically.
"No kiddin'," Gojyo said. "You could practically see the zippers on the backs of their necks." His lighter flicked to life, and he took a long drag on his cigarette. He kicked at the body nearest his feet. It thudded dully, like kicking a sack of cement. "Yours in particular was really shitty, Sanzo-sama."
Sanzo sneered. "Mine? Yours looked like the ass-end of a dead horse." He shook his own pack of cigarettes out of his sleeve. "I guess in that respect, that means yours was true-to-life."
Before Gojyo could snap back a witty retort, Hakkai stepped between them, hands raised in a warding gesture. "Now, now. The bigger question is--"
"Is there really a bigger question? Really? We just got attacked by clones of ourselves." Gojyo kicked the dead fake-Sanzo again. It was sort of satisfying. "Again. This happens all the time. We should start a fucking drinking game."
There was a slight pause.
"What, like, every time you get attacked by yourself, you take a drink of something?" Goku said.
Gojyo leaned back against the nearest tree, his expression considering.
"Perhaps it should be, 'Every time you confront yourself in battle, one drink'," Hakkai said. He was smiling, slightly.
Gojyo grinned around his cigarette. "What about when you get jumped by one of the others?"
"Two drinks, then."
Sanzo huffed and flicked ashes on top of the fake-Gojyo, or what was left of it. "There should be a penalty, though. Every time you get strangled you have to... hrm."
"Take somethin' off!" Goku said, grinning too wide. "When you get strangled by a fake-someone, you lose one piece 'a clothing."
Hakkai laughed. "That certainly sounds fair."
"So we'll all be drinking naked? C'mon, who hasn't been strangled by a wannabe-Goku at some point?" said Gojyo.
"Oh, my. That could be a problem."
"Chug half the bottle when you get attacked by a fake dead relative," Sanzo said. "If you kill them yourself, you get a piece of clothing back."
"This is getting complex," said Hakkai. He tapped his chin with one finger. "Let me see, I've fought myself... Once? Twice? And been strangled by false-Goku once... But then there was that fake-Gojyo, on the steps to Kami-sama's castle..."
"You don't get any clothes back for that," Gojyo pointed out, "unless you killed him. Me. It. Wait, when did I become your 'relative', anyway? That's kinda creepy, Hakkai."
"I killed it," Sanzo said, "so no clothes back for you, Hakkai."
"I think I'd have lost just my shirt, then," Hakkai said, good-naturedly. "Ah, but then, I did drop the fake-Kanan that was fake-Go Dougan, do I get my shirt for that?"
"Did he die?"
"He stopped being Kanan. Surely that counts."
Sanzo waved a hand. "Ch'. Fine. It's not like it matters, though, you're wearing two shirts anyway."
Hakkai smiled more broadly. "There's no point in playing if you don't tally all the points."
Goku was bouncing on the balls of his feet. "Ha-ha, I don't lose any clothes!" His grin turned sly.
"Hey, that ain't fair!" Gojyo protested. "He don't even have relatives!"
"Perhaps we can count Sanzo as his relative."
Sanzo snarled. "The master isn't related to his dog, Hakkai."
"Hey! I'm not a dog--"
"No," said Gojyo, "you're a monkey. Duh."
"That was a cheap shot, you perverted--"
"What about when you get strangled by one of your actual companions?" Hakkai interrupted, smiling far too pleasantly at Sanzo.
Gojyo snickered. "Well, if you're Sanzo, you apparently pop a boner--"
"Fuck! You asshole!" Gojyo had bent nearly all the way backward to avoid the bullet from Sanzo. "You really actually almost hit me!"
"Stop dodging and you won't have that complaint," Sanzo snarled.
Hakkai laughed. "Three drinks for every near-miss when Sanzo shoots at you," he said.
"I'll need it," Gojyo muttered darkly, "just for my freaking nerves."
Sanzo started off in the direction of the path back to town. "Let's get going. I need a drink."
"What about me, Sanzo?" Goku had to run a few steps to catch up to him. "Can I play the game too-- OW!"
The paper fan disappeared almost as fast as it had materialized. "Children don't get to drink alcohol."
"I'm not a kid! And anyway--" He broke off and then paused. His hands went to the hem of his shirt, and then he was wiggling out of it right there in the moonlit clearing.
"Idiot! What the hell are you doing?" Sanzo hissed.
"Well, I got strangled by a fake-you, remember?" Goku said. "And you're the one that killed it. So now I totally have to play."
Sanzo eyed him for a moment, expression caught somewhere between appalled and annoyed, with a side of 'embarrassed' just for fun. Eventually he settled on "annoyed" and turned back toward the path. "Fine. Do what you want."
"...But you're drinking kiddie-cocktails."
"Aw, man! Sanzo--"
Gojyo looked over at Hakkai as Sanzo and Goku started up the path. "You know," he said, conversationally, "we are all gonna get fucking plowed tonight if we do this."
Hakkai smiled. It was a sweet smile, so long as you didn't know him. "It will be interesting to see who passes out first."
They fell into step a few paces behind Sanzo, their shoulders bumping occasionally as they walked. Gojyo stared at the path ahead, or maybe at Sanzo's ass. In the dark, it was big and white and easy to follow.
"...He actually pop a boner that time?" Gojyo asked, sotto voce.
"We try not to talk about that, Gojyo. Besides, it's a well-known fact that when you strangle a man, he often..." Hakkai made a sort of rising-up gesture with one hand. "It has to do with restricting blood flow in one direction, of course."
Gojyo gaped at him. "How do you even know stuff like that?"
"I must have read it somewhere," Hakkai replied vaguely. His smile stayed firmly in place.
"Are you idiots done talking?" Sanzo called back over his shoulder. "Pick up the pace, or you're the ones buying tonight."
Far ahead, Goku was crashing through the underbrush. It sounded like he was singing, off-key and very loud.
"We'd better hop to," Gojyo said. "Don't wanna be the ones buying shots for that dick."
Hakkai slid past him with a laugh. "Very true. That would be a lot of drinks to buy, I think."
The lights of the town were just coming into view through the trees. Gojyo sped up and then threw an arm around Hakkai's shoulders, and the other around Sanzo, who growled but neglected to push him off. "Let's go, slackers! We've got some serious drinkin' to do tonight."
Up ahead, Goku was still singing. "Driiiinking, driiiinking, sake-shochu-beer!"
It was a good night to get drunk, really, or at least as good as any other.