A/N: I'd like to thank my Beta, Nick for the awesome Beta-ing! I'd also like to dedicate this to my dear friend Rachel, who is probably the most amazing person I've never met.

Lyrics are in Italics. Song by DHT "Listen To Your Heart". Im not gonna bother disclaiming because its all poop anyway!

I’d like to share a tale of love with you; wonderful, strong, and tragic as it all turned out to be. As an outsider looking in, I have a very unique point of view. So, grab a nice warm mug of tea, and sit back. This is the story of Murphy MacManus and his heart.

Murphy was one of my very closest friends. One of a kind, that man is. Energetic, passionate, protective and so damn charming. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say the man was near perfect. Note the emphasis and the usage of the word “near”. But, I do know better, and Murphy is flawed - to say the least. A heavy smoker, he is… and a drinker to boot. But, what Irishman isn’t, so I can’t really hold that much against him, now can I? The smoking on the other hand… “Murph, you really ought to quit that nasty little habit or no woman in her right mind will ever kiss that mouth of yours.” I would chide. Murphy would scoff before retorting, “Aye, well then I’ll jus’ have ta find me a lass that has as nasty a mouth as me.” Then he would smile, and blow smoke rings into the air.

Pompous was another one of Murphy’s flaws! Speaking of his nasty mouth, the man cannot complete a sentence without using the word ‘fuck’ – or any sort of variant – a minimum of 5 times. “Oi Rachel, lay the fuck off, Imma man, I can fuckin’ speak how I see fit so long as I don’t curse in church.” Murphy would defend himself when I scolded his language. That’s a prime example of MacManus’ flaw number four – stubbornness. Sometimes I find myself frustrated with Murphy’s immature – boyish – antics. Sooner, rather than later, he turns on the MacManus charm and I forgive his childlike behavior.

Yes, he’s a flawed little boy in so many ways, but I tend to turn the other cheek more often than not. It’s simple really, the reason why. Beneath the boy’s childish exterior lives a man of great purpose and depth. Murphy is indeed as much of a Saint as he is described. That’s right, I said Saint. He, along with Connor, are the notorious “Saints of South Boston”. Did you really think, given how close Murphy and I are, he wouldn’t have told me? Come on now, have more faith in me! Putting aside Murphy’s reputation as a Saint, he has become a sad and wounded man. There was a time, when Murphy hadn’t been completely honest with me about his life.

I know there’s something in the wake of your smile I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yeah you’ve built a love but that love falls apart your little piece of heaven turns too dark

“I know something is bothering you, Murph… spill it.” I prodded. Murphy sat, on the armrest of my sofa, shoulders slumped forward. He was as depressed as I’d ever seen him in the 2 years we’d shared as friends – sometimes more. “Rach… I can’t tell ye evr’ythin’, but I’m hurtin’ here. Me heart is breakin’ and I don’t know what ta do ‘bout it.” Murphy leaned his head forward and rested it on my stomach. I did my best to comfort him with the bits of information I had. “Murph, whatever it is – who ever it is – I can see its killing you. Its love isn’t it?” “Aye, ‘tis love, love of tha best kind. But it’s all fallin’ apart on me.” I stroked the back of his head softly as I listened.

“Rachel, please don’t hate me, don’t judge me…” Murphy pulled away from me and looked in my eyes before continuing, “I love him… I really do. I’m in love with him and he’s pushing me away…” Needless to say I was shocked at Murphy’s admission. Him…? “Murph, I…” I couldn’t spit out the words that swam in my head. “Please Rachel, don’t judge me…” “Murphy, I would never. I’m just shocked is all. Does Connor know that you’re… that you like men?” I stammered. “Aye he does… Rachel, its Connor.” Murphy’s eyes glossed and his lip quivered. “Connor’s what?” “I’m in love with Connor. He’s not just my brother. Rachel, ye understand, don’t ye?” There was a plea in his tone, begging me to understand so he didn’t have to admit it aloud.

“I understand Murph. I’m just confused, what about us, in the past we’ve… But you and Connor… this whole time?” I started to recall the times where Murphy and I crossed the line from friends to lovers. He didn’t need to confirm verbally, the wetness leaking from his eyes told me everything I needed to know. “Ye aren’t just sex ye know. I care fer ye… but Conn… I’m in love with him. He’s changed his mind ‘bout me though. He wants me, and then he don’t. I’m damn near ready ta walk away from him altogether.”

I could only offer Murphy one piece of advice. The same piece I’d offered myself months ago when –after being intimate - I woke up and Murphy was nowhere to be found for the umpteenth time. “Follow your heart, Murph. There’s no wrong or right in this situation. Just do what feels right to you.” I sat myself down on the couch and pulled Murphy off of the armrest down next to me. Silence took over my apartment, save for the occasional deep sigh Murphy let out. “Don’t say goodbye if you aren’t ready for the end, Murph.” “Aye. I’m not ready, Rachel. Not with ye either… I don’t know where ta go and what ta do.” “Murphy, you can always come here… always.” Murphy smiled, and kiss me softly. I allowed it, knowing he was thinking of another person… Connor.

Listen to your heart when he’s calling for you listen to your heart there’s nothing else you can do I don’t know where you’re going and I don’t know why listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye

Murphy struggled for along time. For months, he would show up at my door – crying his eyes out – asking for a sympathetic ear. I always obliged, no matter how much it tore me apart to listen to him sob over another. Yes, Murphy is one of my very closest friends, but I couldn’t pretend that I didn’t love him. Love him in a way he would never love me. Love him the way he loved Connor. I would wonder if I was just holding – grasping – onto something that wasn’t worth while. Was he gonna end up with me? Doubtfully. His bond with Connor was stronger than anything Murphy and I could ever try to build.

I would dream of Murphy as mine, and only mine. But Connor would always be there. It felt like I was climbing an uphill battle, like everything I dreamt of and hoped for was going to be washed away with the changing of the tide. But then, Murphy would kiss me and hold me and make love to me, and I let all the doubt fall away with my clothes. I couldn’t help but feel like I was living each day for the night, when I would be able to close my eyes and drift off to a dreamland, where I was Murphy’s everything, not just his something.

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile t he precious moments are all lost in the tide, yeah they’re swept away and nothing is what is seems the feeling of belonging to your dreams

After while, I began to question Murphy’s intentions. Did he seek solace in my embrace because he lacked the contact he wanted from Connor? Or was he truly enjoying his time with me, our intimacy? Was it Connor he pictured when I kissed him, held him, whispered against his face? For a while I didn’t care who Murphy though of, so long as it was me he was holding, kissing, loving. That didn’t – couldn’t – last very long. I began to resent Connor for being the other man in my disfunctional-but-fuctional-enough relationship. I came to the conclusion that, unless something changed, I was going to have to say goodbye to Murphy.

Listen to your heart when he’s calling for you listen to your heart there’s nothing else you can do I don’t know where you’re going and I don’t know why listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye

I would sit alone on my couch when it was freezing cold. Not just because of the 20 degree weather outside, but because of the absence of Murphy’s body next to mine. I’d wake up and – once again – find that he’d left me alone to return to Connor. No doubt they were snuggled together on their dingy sofa, generating warmth the same way Murphy and I had just hours before. With a kiss behind the ear, the swipe of Murphy’s tongue across waiting lips, the tug of hair.

I wish I could express the words in my mind. Maybe he could see that his indecision was hurting us all. There’s so much emotion – anger, love, sadness, betrayal – built up that I needed to convey to him. I just needed to make him see that he was the reason for my happiness and that I needed him to say I was his. Somehow I knew he wouldn’t reciprocate. I saw in him what he saw in Connor – everything. And Connor, damn him, for sometimes seeing everything in Murphy and sometimes not. If only he weren’t such an indecisive idiot.

And there are voices that want to be heard so much to mention but you can’t find the words the scent of magic the beauty that’s been when love was wilder than the wind

The day Connor came to my apartment is still crystal clear in my memory. I remember hearing a knock and thinking Murphy forgot something because he’d just left me not 20 minutes earlier. When I opened the door I was shocked to see Connor standing there instead. Nose red from the cold weather attacking the exposed skin. Eyes – bright blue like Murphy’s – were focused, determined. “Rachel, I’m going to take Murphy home.” “Connor, he left 20 minutes ago, he isn’t here anymore.” His eyes had become sad and his shoulders slumped. “No, ye don’t understand, I’m taking him home – Ireland. America is slowly killing him. He needs his homeland.” I froze—not from the cold. “Conn, you can’t just whisk him away so you can keep him for yourself, what about what he wants?” I could feel my composure slipping away. “I can, and I am. He’s at home packing now. We’ll be gone by morning. Rachel, don’t come to say goodbye, it’ll just make it harder on him and ye.”

All I could do was nod my head. I didn’t have enough strength to fight for him. I figured that was the sign I needed: the proof that it was time to say goodbye. “I’m sorry he didn’t love ye like ye wanted him ta. But he does love ye in his own way, and he always will.” Connor offered before shutting the door behind him.

Listen to your heart when he’s calling for you listen to your heart there’s nothing else you can do I don’t know where you’re going and I don’t know why listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye

I got a letter from him once. It was nearly 4 months after he’d left America. The letter reopened the wounds I’d spent all that energy healing, but it gave me the closure I was looking for. In his letter he said it was the hardest thing he’d ever done – choosing Connor over me. I don’t think it was that hard, after all, even Connor knew Murphy didn’t love me. His letter also told me that he and Connor had a rough time once they got home. No longer were they more than just brothers. They weren’t even brothers anymore. Connor left Murphy in Ireland and came back to the States. Apparently they have been estranged ever since.

It broke my heart to know that Murphy was all alone, without his beloved Twin and without me, but it’s what he chose so I had to respect that. I ended up running into Connor about 6 months after I received Murphy’s letter. He had a beautiful blonde on his arm. Her belly protruded, the tell-tell sign of an impending birth. He looked happy. “Aye, I am. I’m gonna be a Da.” Connor gushed when I asked how he’d been. I pulled him aside and asked about Murphy. “Aye, well. Things went awry between us. Something’s ye just can’t come back from Rachel. But I do love him… he’s my fuckin’ twin… my heart. I just couldn’t be with him anymore.” That was all the explanation I got out of him.

I listened to my heart, and allowed Murphy to leave. I didn’t fight for him like I knew I should have. If I had, maybe things would have been different, but I just didn’t know. Murphy had followed his heart – Connor – and ended up getting it broken. Crazy as the love triangle seemed, not one of us were happy with the outcome. But we each had to say goodbye.

Listen to your heart... I don’t know where you’re going and I don’t know why listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye

A/N: Will Beta for reviews... )