What If We Were Happy?

Rating: Somewhere between T and M.
Genre: Angst/Romance
Pairings: Jiva, Jibbs
Warnings: Femmeslash.
Summary: He interfered, but what if we were happy?

He had to interfere. He just had to. Why? Damn it! Why? I knew he wouldn’t leave us alone, he always has to stick his nose in where it doesn’t belong, what did he hope to accomplish anyway? Screwing up my personal life? Well, he sure did that well. I slam my hand down on my desk, it makes a loud noise. I am sure Cynthia heard it, she’ll be in here within a few seconds, I’m sure, to check on me. Why does everyone do that? I am capable of taking care of myself? At least I think I am. I sit in silence for a moment, before my thoughts are confirmed, Cynthia is standing in my door way, “Director? Is everything okay in here? I heard -” I cut her off, “Everything’s fine Cynthia.” I say sternly, my tone indicates I don’t want to be disturbed, I need to be alone. To think. To try and rationalise Jethro’s motives. Was he just being the concerned friend? Well, it didn’t come off like that. . . My anger surfaces again, I simply cannot understand why he has to interfere all the time, he’s like a suspicious husband. I cared for her. Damn it, I still do. If she were to walk in here right now, I’d probably fall into her arms and cry, cry, yes, that’s what it’s come to. I feel fragile and vulnerable, that is not a state I should be in. I am the Director for Christ’s sake, vulnerable is not a part of the job description. But, I am also a human being, we are irrational sometimes, we sometimes just need to cry. Damn I wish she was here.

I stand up and walk over and pour myself a glass of bourbon, I need this right now. Since I cannot have her right now. I watch the liquid fall into the glass, like a cascade of emotional baggage leaving it’s captivity and being freed. I take a sip, this was our drink, Jethro’s and mine. Damn it, why am I thinking about him? She’s the one I want, isn’t she? She is Ziva.

I look into her eyes, most people would not see what I see. I see the emotion, not just a shield. I make contact with her lips, they’re soft and warm, I snake my tongue into her mouth, she is mine.

We were happy then, but of course that was before Jethro found out. Before I felt guilty, before I felt vulnerable. The memory of our first kiss is fresh in my mind, it wasn’t planned, it just happened. It was a few days after I was taken hostage by Dempsey, she had come to check on me. I hadn’t expected her that night, if anyone I expected Jethro to turn up at my door and insist that I talk about it with him, but it hadn’t played out like that, instead, fate had decided that Ziva be the one to turn up at my door, standing there, in all her simple beauty. Only there for me. She was all I needed that night, everything my heart desired. Jethro could never have given that to me, not that night. I’m not sure why.

She, for the first time, made my heart skip a beat. Since then, when I am standing close enough to her to be able to look her in the eyes, that same feeling returns. I remember when that used to happen when I was around Jethro.

Then, it happened, Jethro found out. It has been two days since he found out. The exact details of how he found out are slightly blurry to me. What I do remember was I was in my office, like I am now, or like I should be now, doing some paperwork - ironically it involved one of Jethro’s cases - I guess that’s why he came up here in the first place. Ziva had come in, to say goodnight I suppose, when I saw her enter I went over to her and we spoke briefly before it happened. Here, in my office, suddenly, irrationally, I was kissing her. That’s when it all hit the fan. Jethro came in. He saw us kissing, I felt like a teenager being caught out by her parents while kissing her boyfriend. He wore a look of shock on his face. I’d never seen him look quite like that before, I guess it was so far from what he had expected to see as he came in, he just didn’t know what to do. We spoke after that, I tried to explain, the right words were not coming out of my mouth. I tried, I did. I did not succeed.

Ziva tried to explain herself, I knew from the look on her face that she wasn’t going to leave, she was going to stay. Until, after fighting with Jethro, she left. Jethro had ordered her to leave, she didn’t want to. Once she had left Jethro immediately assumed I was being crazy for kissing her. I think I saw jealousy in his eyes that night, but the exact details are still blurry. It was traumatic for me. I had such a headache after that.

I told him to leave, rather forcefully, he resisted, why did I even try? I knew he would resist. I so was confused, angry, sad, and mixed up that I didn’t really know what I should have done, or what I expected to accomplish by trying to tell him to leave like that. He is loyal, I’ll give him that. He was probably trying to stop me from getting into something I really shouldn’t be in. But Jethro, what if we were happy? I wonder if he ever thought of that?

The End.