I gasped and jumped back. That was a little weird... I mean, I had a beard. What's normal about it?

“Now I know one thing...” Tabby said quietly.

“What?”

“You make an ugly man!” Tabby shrieked, then rolled on the floor laughing out loud. Ugh, that is so overrated. I rolled my eyes.

“How in the heck did you do that?”

“I dunno, I just pointed my finger at you and you grew a beard,” Tabby said, once she had recovered from her laughing fit.

Maybe I was really constipated and couldn't hold it in any longer, or we were both experiencing the same dream. Both would be pretty darn scary.

“I can't go out like this. Isn't there anything I can use to cut this stupid jungle on my face?”

“I have a shovel.” I shook my head. “A net?” I shook my head again. “An axe?” I shook my head ferociously as if I was at a Fall Sideways Boy concert. “Well then, um... all we have left is a butter knife.”

“I guess we could try that...”

A few minutes later

“AAAAAAAAAAGH!” No, I was not screaming from the (non-existent) pain. Not at all. I was screaming because cutting it made it grow back thicker and longer than it was before. “I look like a bum!”

“Oh my gosh... looks like this is a job for...”

Suddenly Harriet fell in our fireplace.

“SANTA?” Tabby squealed. “WHERE IS MY NEW DIRTY BLACK PANTS CD?!”

“I'm not Santa, Tabby,” Harriet explained. She looked weirded out. I wouldn't blame her. “I'm Harriet, the hairdresser at Nookingtons, y'know? You said 'looks like a job for...' so I took it as my cue.”

“Actually, it was Santa's cue. I was going to ask him for a razor, but you'll do.”

“What d'you want me to do, sugar?” Harriet asked in that strange accent of hers.

“Cut Tangy's beard.”

Harriet laughed insanely. “A beard? Tangy doesn't have a... a... HOLY FISHCAKES! SHE HAS A BEARD!”

Yeah, I think we've already established that. “JUST CUT IT, WOMAN!”

Harriet widened her eyes and grabbed some scissors. “Okay, okay.”

“I don't think scissors will do the job. You're going to need shears,” I told her.

“I'll go steal them from Punchy,” Tabby said.

“Why in the world would Punchy have– oh...”

Ew. Bad mental picture.

Later, when Tabby was back with the shears

“They're a little hairy, so I'll just run them under the tap,” she said.

Wow, she was being useful for once. “Tabby, what do you want?”

“What? Can't I help my big sister for once without her being suspicious?”

Good point. She returned with the wet shears. “No offence, hun, but you would make an ugly man,” Harriet said. I sighed.

“So I've been told...”

Tabby handed the shears over to Harriet and she then began cutting off my beard.

Half an hour and an orange floor later, she was done. I was anxious to see how I looked.

“Now hun, I must warn you, you don't look like you did before...”

Oh great, did she somehow manage to shave all my fur off? I looked in the mirror. Close enough. There was a bald patch where my beard had been.

“RAWR! I LOOK LIKE A FREEEEEEEEAK!” I sobbed.

“I shouldn't have let you take over, Tabby... you honestly don't know what you're doing...”

My eyes widened. Of course, I closed my eyes during the process, so I didn't see what was happening. “Tabby...”

“Yes?” She squeaked nervously.

“I'MMA KILL YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!”