“So may all your enemies perish, O Lord! But may they who love you be like the sun when it rises in strength.” Then the land had peace for forty years. (Judges 5:31)

I sigh as I blankly gaze off the cliff’s edge I am sitting on. Slowly, the sun is streaming colors as it rolls over the horizon. Beautiful. But I can’t enjoy it. There are so many thoughts spinning in my head. So many selfish thoughts. It’s not in my nature to be selfish. “See what you have done to me!” I want to scream down into the uninhabited abyss below. No. That was wrong of me to accuse him of my predicament. This was partly his fault and as much as my fault. I wished these thoughts would leave me, though.

I draw my knees to my chest. I notice how inviting the rocks at the bottom looked. They seem to be calling me, convincing me to end it all. Again with the selfish thoughts. Even in this terrible mental and emotional state, I still can’t stop thinking how my actions effect you. How you would cry in despair and join me. Then scream at me for killing us.

Always “us”, never “you and me”. I rip my gaze from the inviting rocks. My eyes land on the large, blue rose by my side. Huh, it must of fell out of my hoodie. I delicately pick it up, as if it is made of glass. It might as well be made of glass because of all the care I put into keeping this single rose alive. Ten years old, that’s pretty old for a flower to live without roots. I think it’s petrifying itself.

I remember the day it fell into my possession. It would be a lie to say you gave it to me, as I found it on the ground. But you placed it on the ground for me to find. You hated confrontation, and you still do, but your hates have ebbed away throughout the years. I lift the rose to my nose and sniff its fragrance. Fading away like my will to live. But I still remember the first day I smelled it. It was right after my first husband’s death, and I was pregnant with his children. I was earnestly trying to play my cards right to keep an honest reputation. I was strolling peacefully down the street when I found the burned carcasses of two men who were out to kill me. In between the carcasses, this rose sat innocently, stem planted in the ground. For some reason, I knew it was you. It might have been the fact that your brilliant red eyes were peering down on me through the tree nearby.

Perhaps it was because I was still mourning my husband’s death, perhaps it was because I didn’t think that you were capable of love, but I only thought the rose as comfort for my loss, seeing as the rose came from my husband’s garden. And I only thought you attached yourself to me to make sure the children make it to see daylight. I knew that you and my husband were tight friends. I thought it was your way to make sure he lived through his children. Now, looking back on everything, perhaps, you didn’t know either.

But that really didn’t matter, did it? It didn’t matter to us what we were feeling. Any feelings were mistaken for something else. I think that when the first sliver of knowledge came to the surface, we ignored it. This was our biggest mistake.

Every time when this thought of love came, we shoved it out of our minds, and we looked to other people. I remember seeing you more than a child after Kurama’s death, but not before. It was as if something happened then…

I vaguely recall that just before you made your appearance, I felt a buzzing in the back of my mind. To ask you if you bonded with me intentionally or not wouldn’t help our situation now. Perhaps, you didn’t know what you did; perhaps, you did. Either way, my excuse for it was that you wanted to see if the twins were healthy. I didn’t bother to use the bond; in fact, I ignored it and ran after other men.

And I have proof that you did the same with women. In fact, your son is sleeping soundly at home, waiting patiently for me to come home and wake him. I didn’t ask you for details because I didn’t want to pry, but at the age of twenty-eight, I was raising my own grandson, your son. Maybe Jessie understood more than we did when she dropped Goukan on my porch with the message, “I don’t want this thing. You seem to like kids. Take it. Its name is Goukan.” I remember thinking how he looked like you, and when he grew, he acted like you. When you popped back into my life, your eyes were so large when you saw Goukan. Then you studied Gem, the only surviving Kurama twin. I could understand your concern: Gem and Goukan were only a few months apart in age. There was explaining to be done that never came.

It was hard to explain, but I was so restless when you left again. Nothing felt right. I couldn’t place my finger on it. But when you returned, the restlessness disappeared. I felt at ease with everything. We both are anti-social, but when you returned, I started socializing with more people, letting more people into my life, actually trusting more people. Still, we denied anything, because I’m sure you were restless too; that’s why you returned instead of staying with your sister.

But as the years went by, my Sensei and I were starting to fall in love. Of course, this I understood immediately, and we dated for three months, then we married. All the while, you visited me. You didn’t disagree with the wedding verbally, but I knew you were displeased because you didn’t show up. You made up an excuse that your sister was sick. Thinking back on this now, your sister was sick a lot wasn’t she? Of course, I can’t blame you now. I was always the forgiving person, always forgiving everybody, even when most people couldn’t if their life depended on it.

Of course, I forgave you for your suspicious return after Sensei’s tragic accident. You appeared just in time to catch me before I fell into depression. I don’t blame you; you must have felt my emotions through the bond, and they affected you, too. We are connected.

And again, I was left with twins. It seems to be a curse with me. Jessie was also supposed to be a twin. Only this time, both survived. Meanwhile, there’s a rumor that Jessie has an army forming from all her children. I can’t help but to wonder who the father(s) is(are). She gets a new bunch whenever you leave. Things to ponder.

Recently though, you are spending less time with me. I don’t know if it’s because you just found out about these emotions or if you’re with your ladies, Jessie and Yukina.

I don’t know what to think about you anymore. The more time you spend away from me, the more depressed I become. I know these thoughts affect you. Why aren’t coming back to me? Do you know how close I’ve been to killing us? Do you even care? Perhaps you want to end it all, but you’re making me take the fall. Again with the selfish thoughts. It’s not in my nature to blame any one about anything.

I subconsciously rub my age-old scars that ran along my cheeks. I even forgave him of his sins against me.

Thoughts of my time in the hospital this past year drift into my mind. I went over the edge; finally, I broke. I was hospitalized for months recovering after my incident. Scratch that. I didn’t recover the first months because I wanted to die. My body was shutting down too slowly for my taste. Then, you showed up, enraged. You spewed curses and insults at my dieing body. You went as far as to almost hit me, but the nurse prevented you and ushered you out of the room. I laid there for a few minutes pondering your words. I wanted to cry so desperately, to be held, and to feel someone else’s warmth. The only thought dancing in my mind was, “He wants me.” You, only you, pulled me out of my depression. It wasn’t my children or my numerous friends. It was you. Afterward, when my children came for their daily visit, I tried to eat. Key word: try. Not having food in my stomach for two months makes a stomach disagreeable to food. But after that, I started eating, gaining strength, smiling.

You left, though. I don’t know how I knew, but I knew you weren’t close to me anymore. The happy emotions started falling. I didn’t completely re-collapse because my children were telling me that they couldn’t live without me. So I pressed on only to be there for them.

This wasn’t the first time I fell into a depression. Numerous times I felt lonesome, and you appeared to comfort me in your weird ways. Only, the last three times, you didn’t come. I didn’t want to live anymore. Many people talk about how they didn’t want to live anymore and tried to take their life in some creative way. No, me, I wanted to die so desperately that I just collapsed on the ground and waited until the elements took me. Everything from the outside world faded. I was merely a lump of flesh. I didn’t move, only when some one else moved me into the hospital and hooked me up to an IV. I hate hospitals from all the bad memories, but I honestly didn’t care. I looked upon it as a faster way to die.

Each time these emotions washed over me, you eventually popped up and encourage me to stay alive… only if it was for your own sake. Every time you leave, I feel dead. I want to be dead. Death seems very appealing.

And somewhere in the back of my mind, something tells me that this definitely is not what’s best for me. But what can I say? You are all I have that’s keeping me alive. I want you instead. Without you, I can’t exist. What a terrible predicament I’ve been placed into.

How can anyone live with a heartless demon like you? I know you have a heart somewhere in those protective walls. I’ve seen glimpses of its beating rhythm. I’ve seen how you react around with Goukan when no one’s around. Of course, over the years, you don’t care what I think of you anymore, so I can see these tender moments of father and son.

Everyone tells me I can do better, and I respond dumbly, denying what I feel about you. They just smile sadly and encourage me with a touch.

They’ve never seen the side I have. The side that seems to be shrinking with each passing moment. You shove everyone away, so they can’t see your soft side. Many times, I’ve woken up from an over-night job with your warmth surrounding me. You’re so stoic though, no one can understand you, and I’m trying my hardest to understand your weird ways. I think I understand you more than your sister does.

I don’t have to worry about all the horror stories people tell about men who stay to themselves. If you hurt me, you hurt yourself. I can safely snuggle into your chest without worrying about mixed signals. You don’t care what most human males care about. I feel safe with you.

In fact, I don’t think you care about me at all. Thoughts that you only tolerate my existence because of the bond have crossed my mind so many times. Every passing day these thoughts get stronger. If you truly loved me, wouldn’t you be by my side now watching this sunset with me? But you’re not here with me. You only come around to suit your needs… never mine. You only care about me because you have to, to stay alive. Am I just a toy to you?

But I can’t hate you. No matter how you treat me, I can’t hate you. I’ve fallen in love with a demon that only tolerates my existence because he has to. I’m in a terrible situation, but there’s nothing I or anyone else can do. I just have to take it everyday at a time.

But no matter what happens, I want to you. I want you to continue your visits to see your son. I want to see the love in your eyes, so I can imagine that it’s directed at me. I want your sparse visits of warm sleep to continue. I want to keep resting my head on your shoulder whenever you allow me to get close. I want you to keep caring for me. I want you to continue to converse with me, even if half of what you say to me are insults.

Please say that you will return one day. I want you to stay with me, only me. I know this is but a bleak hope to have. I want to curl in a ball and cry, but I can’t.

A buzzing from my hoodie’s pouch startled me out of my thoughts. I shake my head to clear my thoughts. Gingerly, I plucked out my phone and looked at the screen. Jessie sent pictures. I flipped the phone open. She sent pictures of her newborn son. Guess who he looks like? I fell in love with a monster.

Tears swelled up in my eyes but did not fall. No matter what you do, I can’t hate you. It’s so frustrating! I want to hate you! I want that emotion seeping through the bond, so you can feel what I feel. I want you to allow more than just fear to seep through the bond! By now, I am visibly shaking with anger. I take a deep breath in and slowly let it escape. I have to remain calm. Losing myself to anger could very well kill me. You could lash out in anger against me and kill me.

We are playing a very dangerous waiting game, aren’t we, Hiei? We are waiting to see who cracks first and comes running to the other, aren’t we? Who will crack first, Hiei? Surely you are not totally immune to these feeling. Surely you will break sometime soon. I vow that the first to break will not be me. We’re both stubborn fools. We may never come out of this game sane. I can see the headlines: “Bloodthirsty Demon and His Woman Ravage City.”

A horn startles me out of my thoughts. I look behind me to find a Pontiac Solstice parked agitatedly behind me. I forgot about him in all my thoughts. I notice that the sky is dark. I peer over to the western horizon and see that the sun had set an hour ago. There is no trace of its glorious rays in the sky. I smile sheepishly to the driver. I was always good at acting, but this man seems to see to my soul. Still, I try to hide my emotions from him.

So, Hiei, how long will we waste our time with other people until we collapse on each other? Such a tempting question to answer. How much can the great Hiei take being away from his bonded for so long? Deep down, I want it to be as short as possible, but I shove such thoughts down. Good things come to those who wait, as they say. How long will you wait until you come back for me?

I know it can’t be that long off: I can feel your agitation through the bond. You want to return to me, but you, like I am, are seeing who will break first. Both of us are wasting our time with this pointless waiting game, but it just doesn’t seem right to give into you.

So for now, I’ll just keep wasting my time. I pick myself up from the ground and hide the rose in my pouch. I saunter over to the driver and peer into his beautiful, glowing blue eyes and the chocolate skin surrounding them.

I lightly kiss his cheek after he asks me if I’m okay. “I’m fine. Thank you for tonight.” He looks at me confused. I merely smile and stroll over to the passenger side, tracing small lines on the hood as I pass. Yes, Hiei, you and I are playing in dangerous waters.

Okay, here it is. Inspired by “Over and Over” by Three Days Grace. Tell me what you think about it.