A/N: Well, here it is, the second “chapter.” I am perfectly aware of how utterly nonsensical this is, but I am enjoying myself, and that’s what’s important!

Many thanks to Wisdom’s Pearl, TavyBeckettFan and Tanz for reviewing chapter one!

Disclaimer: Oh, yeah, I own The Patriot; that’s why I’m sitting here writing fanfiction about it.

The Authoress Sincerely Thanks her Most Patient Readers for Imagining What Thomas’s Death Would be Like if Ben was Actually a Woman and the Rest of the Movie Up Until the Ultra-Gory Fight Scene. She Now Bids You to Continue.

(Brenda, Nathan and Samuel are hurtling through the woods. Surprisingly, no one trips. They finally come to a resting place and crouch down.)

Brenda: Okay, boys; now, I know that I always tell you to never play with guns, but this is the only exception to that rule, okay?

Nathan: We’re seriously gonna kill people?

Brenda: (Perturbed by his excitement.) Um…yes. But this is the only time! I want you boys to be careful and don’t get hurt! And, um, take down as many as you can. It’ll be hard the first time—

Nathan: Psh. Mom, we’ve got this.

Brenda: (Muttering) I knew I shouldn’t have bought those video games…

(The British can be heard not too far off. The boys duck behind a log while Brenda flattens herself against a tree. As the British come through, there is a loud volley of shots that sound quite excellent on Surround Sound. Brenda runs down the hill and begins hacking at various Redcoats with her signature tomahawk.)

Random Redcoat: Look, Lady; I don’t want to hurt you—

(Brenda hacks him up.)

Other Redcoat: Madam, if I may suggest some Midol—

(He also meets his maker. The final Redcoat standing holds a knife to Gabriel’s throat.)

Final Redcoat: WHAT NOW, BITCH?!

(Brenda lowers her tomahawk, looking incredulous.)

Brenda: Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?!

Final Redcoat: (Flustered) Well, erm, I—

Brenda: I am appalled to hear you say that! I thought you English boys prided yourselves in your impeccably good manners! What on earth would your mother think if she knew her son was resorting to such low trickery and talking like a gutter rat?!

Redcoat: (Gulping.) I, I don’t know, ma’am.

Brenda: She’d be ashamed, I can tell you that! I know I would be ashamed if one of my sons went around swearing like a sailor!

Redcoat: (Now looking extremely guilty.) I…I’ll just let him go then, shall I?

Brenda: Yes, that would be a start.

(Redcoat releases a bewildered Gabriel. He walks slowly to his mother.)

Redcoat: I, I’m terribly sorry, ma’am.

Brenda: (Putting a maternal hand on his shoulder.) You’re not a bad person; but what you were doing is very bad. (She suddenly slashes his neck and kills him.)

Nathan and Samuel: MOM!

Gabriel: (In awe.) Mom’s the man. Mom, you just acted like Dirty Harry there!

Brenda: Yeah, yeah.

Nathan and Samuel: MOM!

Brenda: It’s okay, boys; he died painlessly. Now, we all just need to forget this and calm down—

Nathan and Samuel: MOM!

Brenda: (Annoyed.) For Pete’s sake, what?

Nathan and Samuel: ONE OF THEM GOT AWAY!

Brenda: Frick.

(Brenda chases down a Redcoat who looks like he’s about to soil himself. She hacks at him and consequently gets covered in blood. The boys watch in amazement.)

Nathan: Mom’s a gangster.

Brenda: (After she has finished and notices the blood all over her.) Oh, frig; this’ll never come out.

(Cut to burned down house. Kids look extremely depressed. Thomas’s poor body is still crumpled on the ground. As Brenda and the three boys come back, they look horrified. Cut to cemetery where Brenda is praying aloud for Thomas. Cut to Charlotte’s plantation as they come trundling up the drive. Charlotte runs out onto her balcony.)

Charlotte: Oh, God; it must have been paint day.

(Cut to inside the house. Brenda, now thoroughly cleaned up, is tucking in Nathan and Samuel.)

Nathan: Mom, we completely killed those British dudes!

Brenda: It’s okay; God understands. The police would understand too. You didn’t do anything wrong—

Nathan: It was AWESOME!

Brenda: (Ruffled.) Um, well, I’m glad it’s not bothering you—

Nathan: This totally beats Grand Theft Auto!

Brenda: ...O-o-okay. (Turning to Samuel.) Samuel—

(He rolls away.)

Brenda: Uh…okay. Love you too.

(She walks out, closes the door and sits on the stairs. Charlotte gives her a look.)

Brenda: Oh, piss off. (She stalks up the stairs.)

(Cut to parlor. Brenda is sitting in an armchair, looking contemplative in front of the fire. Charlotte approaches quietly with a rope. She outstretches her hands to strangle an oblivious Brenda. Gabriel walks in and doesn’t notice anything.)

Gabriel: So, um, yeah, I have to get back to the army.

Brenda: What?

Gabriel: I’m a soldier and it’s my duty.

Brenda: Duty? (She rises from the chair intimidatingly.) Don’t give me that bull-crap, Gabriel Edward Martin! You’ve never done your chores because it was your “duty!” Now that we’re stuck at your aunt’s house—

Charlotte: Excuse me—

Brenda: You want out of here and you’re just going to dump me here with five kids while you go prance around and play with your stupid guns!

Gabriel: …Right…

(He walks out. Brenda follows, shouting. There is a heated argument before Gabriel walks out of the house and mounts his horse. Brenda looks as if she’s struggling with herself for a moment before she shouts.)

Brenda: STAY AWAY FROM THOSE CAMP-FOLLOWERS!

(Cut to front yard, where it is noticeably brighter. Brenda is saying goodbye to everyone.)

Brenda: William, sit up straight, don’t slouch, chew with your mouth closed, say “please” and “thank you,” don’t burp, read for at least an hour every day, don’t get on the computer or the Play Station too much and say your prayers.

William: Okay.

Brenda: Nathan, you’re the man of the house now. Be a good boy and don’t get into trouble, okay?

Nathan: (Looking extremely smug.) I’ll take care of everyone, Mom.

(Brenda looks momentarily worried before turning to Samuel. She holds out her arms for a hug but he shakes his head and backs away. She bites her lip and crouches before Susan.)

Brenda: Goodbye, Susan.

Susan: …

Brenda: So…I would of course be happy if you started talking…but I’d like to be there…so now would be a great time.

Susan: …

Brenda: Right. Okay. Well, uh, thanks, Charlotte.

Charlotte: (With an icy smile.) Of course.

(Brenda waves to everyone as she gets on her horse with a rifle. She keeps waving until she is out of sight.)

Charlotte: So…there’s, I don’t know, maybe there’s cereal or grapefruit or something in the house for breakfast.

Meg: Don’t you eat breakfast?

Charlotte: (Snorts.) Uh, no.

William: Can we have ice cream?

Charlotte: (Indifferently.) Whatever.

All the Kids Except Susan: YES!

(Cut to Gabriel entering the house. He creeps up the stairs humming the theme to “Mission: Impossible.” He comes to a window and pauses, watching the battle. Brenda enters a moment later.)

Gabriel: That was fast. I’m not going back.

Brenda: I’m a mom; do you honestly think I don’t know how to tail my license-owning-but-underage son?

(Gabriel looks perturbed as he realizes he could have been tailed many times. They both turn to watch a head get lobbed off.)

Brenda: Idiots. Come on.

Gabriel: So…you’re…coming too? Uh…okay.

(Skips over Tavington-gets-told-by-Cornwallis-in-front-of-fat-generals-scene and cuts to Continental campsite. Limbs are being sawed off and men are screaming. Brenda rolls her eyes and strides over to Burwell’s tent. Gabriel gingerly takes a flag and follows her meekly. Cut to Burwell’s tent, where he has his head down and Brenda bursts in dramatically. Gabriel sulks in a corner.)

Brenda: Where’s your manager?

Burwell: Excuse me?

Brenda: Sorry; too many idiots at grocery stores. Where the heck is Gates?

Burwell: Uh…AWOL.

Brenda: Figures. Well, I’m here.

Burwell: …I…what?

Brenda: Do I have to spell it out for you? I’m here. Give me some noobs who can at least hold a gun so I can win this friggin’ war, rebuild my house and get my kids away from my sister-in-law.

Burwell: Er, um, okay. Well, uh, the French said they’d be coming.

Brenda: Harry, are you high?

French Voice: Excusez-moi?

(Camera pans to Jean, who gets out of a chair and looks insulted. Brenda stares.)

Burwell: Uh, Brenda, meet Major Jean Villeneuve…a French guy.

Jean: Brenda Martin…I heard about what you did at Fort Wilderness.

Brenda: (Ignores Jean.) So make a colonel already.

Burwell: Oh, um, okay.

Brenda: And put my son under my command.

Gabriel: MOM!
Burwell: Okay.

Brenda: And stop staring at my rack, Harry.

(She strides out of the tent with Gabriel and Jean following in her wake.)

Gabriel: Colonel, I know just as many back-roads and short-cuts as you do. We can split up and save time.

Brenda: If you’re not at the Old Spanish Mission in Black Swamp in two days…you’re grounded until you’re thirty-six.

(Gabriel rides off uneasily. Brenda and Jean ride off in the other direction. Skip over Tavington-gets-berated-by-Cornwallis-for-the-second-time-scene and then the Gabriel-crashes-a-funeral-and-Anne-has-a-motivational-speech-scene and cuts to Brenda and Jean riding up to a bar.)

Jean: You’re sure zees is ze right place to recruit militia?

Brenda: Are you from here?

Jean: Well, no—

(Brenda harrumphs and leads the way into the bar. Jean follows meekly. Most of the patrons of the bar look up as if they’ve never seen two people standing in a doorway before.)

Brenda: The Bush Administration caused Global Warming!

(Predictably, the patrons all begin to throw things even after the door closes as if this will accomplish something.)

Brenda: Republicans. We’re good.

(Cut to inside of the bar, where everything is calmer. Jean is eating a fried chicken leg while Brenda is sitting at the sign-up sheet and looking uncannily like a PTSA mother.)

Rollins: Any bounty?

Brenda: Not this time, but there’s always the black market. And what on earth is in your mouth?

Rollins: Uh…not chewing tobacco.

(He spits it out. Jean looks sick. Brenda glares. Rollins signs up, struggling as he tries to remember his name, and then walks away. An old guy walks up.)

Old Guy: They hung my brother. Fags. But I’m too, uh, sick to do anything, so I’ll just give you my Negro. Occam!

Brenda: Can you write?
Occam: No, ma’am.

Old Guy: I hardly passed the third grade.

Brenda: …right.

(They walk away. A red-headed kid who is probably called Dooley and destined to shoot deer comes up.)

Dooley: I’m gonna kill me some Redcoats.

Brenda: No; you’re going to kill some Redcoats.

Dooley: Huh?

Brenda: Say, “Excuse me?” Not, “Huh?”

John Billings: You haven’t changed at all, Brenda!
Brenda: John, it’s so nice to see you! We got your Christmas card, by the way.

John: Good, good. So…I hear some ghost story ‘round here…some twenty Redcoats got killed by a ghost with a Cherokee tomahawk or some damn thing.

Brenda: And your point?

(John makes his infamous John-Giggle. Cut to Old Spanish Mission, where all the newly recruited militiamen are gathered. Gabriel makes his way to where Brenda is sitting and working on a stained shirt.)

Gabriel: Mom, these aren’t the kind of men we need.

Brenda: Did you fight in the French and Indian War?

Gabriel: Erm…I’m gonna guess that you know what you’re doing, so I’ll just walk away now.

(Cut to scene where Jean is instructing the militia. Lovely montage of the militia ambushing and shooting down Redcoats. Finally, after some anger on Cornwallis’s part and a gushy love-letter, the militia hack down the surrendering British and then get into an argument.)

Brenda: EVERYONE SHUT UP!

(Silence.)

Brenda: Thank you. Now, those guys over there with my son are right.

John: (Muttering.) Nepotism…

Brenda: QUIET! Full quarter will be given to any British who are wounded or surrender.

Jean: Ze British never gave any such quarter when they fired on a ship carrying my wife and daughters! I watched from two hundred yards off as they were burned alive.

(Awkward silence.)

Brenda: Okay, you know what? Screw it. I’m in charge and I say we give quarter to wounded and any who surrender. Where’s the freakin’ Midol?

(Cut to the wagon that is being ransacked.)

Dan Scott: BOOZE!

Reverend: And Cornwallis’s letters and diary!

Gabriel: And dogs!

Various Militiamen: PARTY!

(Cut to campsite at night. Merry little tune is playing, accompanied by some off-key voices who forget the next verse. Brenda is taking inventory while Gabriel and Occam are talking about the equality of all men, even though, of course, that doesn’t happen until the mid-1900s. Brenda strides over a few moments later.)

Brenda: I’ve just been in the mind of my mother.

John: Eh?

Brenda: Cornwallis knows more about warfare than any man I’ve ever known and how to keep things organized. And he knows it, too. Which is where we come in!

Gabriel: Huh?

Brenda: Say “excuse me,” not “huh” as if I haven’t raised you. I’m saying that his typical pride is his weakness.

Jean: Personally I would prefer stupidity.

Brenda: Well so would I, Johnny Raincloud. But we’ll have to work with pride, so suck it up.

(Cut to the authoress’s personal favorite part of the movie, beginning with the opulent Middleton Place and the puffed-up British soldiers and Loyalists. Because it is of no particular importance, though it serves as an amusing conversation, the scene where Cornwallis is being dressed is skipped over. Cut to the longboat where all the men and Brenda are dressed in British uniforms.)

Brenda: You look good in that color. Red’s all the rage this season, of course.

Jean: I know that; I’m French. But this stinks.

Brenda: (Muttering.) Disregard for the proper care of clothes, that’s what it is. Men. Can’t use a laundry machine to save their lives…

(Cut to the “Fireworks” scene. Cut to Tavington, who drains his glass and smashes it. Cut to militia riding to Pembroke. Gabriel goes to call on Anne and call himself a man. Cut to Brenda praying in the church. Skip over the bundling bag. Skip everything until the as-yet-unknown-ambush.)

Brenda: These roads are closed. They now belong to the Continental Army. Leave your wagons and go.

Pompous Puff of a Redcoat: This is the King’s highway. I advise you and your men to make way.

Brenda: I’m sorry; what? Do you have a cold?

Puff: (Looking ruffled.) Er, no. Now make way.

Brenda: Okay, you know what? I’m PMSing, so just get off the freakin’ road.

Puff: Er…attack!

(The concealed Redcoats jump out of the wagon and enter an action-packed battle. Cut to Old Spanish Mission at night. Gabriel announces the count. Some of the men begin grumbling and making fun of the French. Gabriel sits down beside Brenda. They proceed to have a mother-son bonding moment until Occam and Dan return and announce that eighteen of the men are at Fort Carolina, although how they came by this information is unknown to the audience. Cut to Brenda riding up to Fort Carolina with a white flag and the dogs.)

O’Hara: General Cornwallis will be with you shortly, madam.

(As he exits, Brenda notices a rocking chair and begins to examine it. She is doing so as Cornwallis and O’Hara enter.)

Cornwallis: Oh, my boys! Let me gush over you in a manner that will surely make my enemies laugh at me and become assured that they will win the war! Oh, I just noticed you there, madam. May I have your name?

Brenda: “Madam” or “Colonel” will suffice.

(O’Hara hides a snigger while Cornwallis’s smile becomes strained.)

Cornwallis: Erhrm…very well. Please sit down.

Brenda: Thank you. Now, let us enter into some negotiations that prove that I am not just a stupid backwoods woman and cause you to be impressed. I shall now politely announce that as long as you let Tavington nance around and kill innocent people, I will attack him. And now I will surprise you by announcing that I have eighteen of your men and want to exchange them.

Cornwallis: I beg your pardon?

(Brenda shows him the eighteen “men.”)

Brenda: And one of them called me, (Dramatic pause) “Lady” in a very misogynistic tone of voice!

(O’Hara looks flabbergasted and performs his funny “O’Hara Blubber.” Cornwallis allows the exchange to be made. Cut to Tavington entering the fort, in slow motion, as the prisoners are released. He and Brenda make exceptionally long eye contact.)

Tavington: General, what is this?

O’Hara: Are you unintelligent, Tavington? This is clearly a prisoner exchange led by a woman.

Tavington: What’d she do, sleep with Cornwallis?

(O’Hara blubbers again.)

Tavington: Oh, I remember you! You were that woman with that farm! And that stupid little boy! Did he die?

Brenda: Dear God, what do you think?

(They advance towards each other. The tension is noticeably thick.)

Tavington: You know, it’s an ugly business, doing one’s duty. But just occasionally…it’s a real pleasure.

Brenda: If that’s a come on, you’re a sick man, and I fully intend to kill you before this war is over. (She turns to go, pauses, and turns around.) And thank you for the compliment; it made my day.

(The militia ride off with the dogs. O’Hara walks in with one of the dummies, blubbering.)

The Authoress Would Like to Thank the Kind Readers for, er, Reading. She Hopes They Have Enjoyed This Chapter and Will Continue to Read the Next Chapter When She Posts It, Assuming That Her Upcoming Exam Does Not Kill Her First.