INT. MILITARY BASE

A military officer, the COLONEL, is sitting across a table from the HERO. The Hero is relaxed, he has long, wavy, ratty hair and an eyepatch. The room is dim and lit only by a single lamp that hangs in the air above the table.

COLONEL

Okay, as you probably know by now, this is an ACTION MOVIE.

TITLE SCREEN

COLONEL (CONT'D)

So listen up and listen good Hero.

FREEZE SHOT ON HERO. "THE HERO" POPS UP IN WORDS ON SCREEN

COLONEL (CONT'D)

Your mission is to infiltrate the villain's lair, fight the useless henchmen, beat the villain, get the girl and save the world. Chances are there will be at least one explosion along the way.

HERO

Yeah? And what if I don't want to, Colonel?

FREEZE SHOT ON COLONEL. "THE COLONEL" POPS UP IN WORDS ON SCREEN

COLONEL

Then we don't have a movie anymore.

HERO

Damn.

COLONEL

Now we want to try to keep this PG-13 so we'll be sending you in without a gun.

HERO

What?

COLONEL

You are your own weapon Hero. Your wit is your ammunition.

HERO

...

COLONEL

You can do it Hero.

HERO

This is a load of crap.

INT. VILLAIN'S LAIR

The VILLAIN is standing in front of all his HENCHMEN, whom are all in a line.

VILLAIN

Okay, might I remind all of you Henchmen.

FREEZE SHOT ON HENCHMEN. "THE HENCHMEN" POPS UP IN WORDS ON SCREEN

VILLAIN

That this is not a barn, we shut the door here. Last time that you all forgot to close the door we had a whole lot of mosquitoes and CIA Agents in our lair and you all know how annoying mosquitoes can get. Do your job or there will be consequences.

HENCHMEN

Yes ma'am!

VILLAIN

I thought I told you! Don't call me that in front of the cameras!

HENCHMEN

Sorry sir!

Villain starts to walk away.

VILLAIN

Idiots!

Villain walks into his quarters, where he has the GIRL tied up.

VILLAIN

Yes! Now that I have captured the beautiful girl...

FREEZE SHOT ON GIRL. "THE GIRL" POPS UP IN WORDS ON SCREEN

VILLAIN (CONT'D)

I am one step closer in my quest to

zoom in on Villain's face

VILLAIN (CONT'D)

RULE THE WORLD!

GIRL

You'll never get away with this you villain!

FREEZE SHOT ON VILLAIN. "THE VILLAIN" POPS UP IN WORDS ON SCREEN

VILLAIN

What?

GIRL

You'll never get away with this you villain!

VILLAIN

Excuse me? Are you talking?

GIRL

A hero will come and he will save me!

VILLAIN

A hero? Hahahahahahaha. Don't make me laugh. Hahahahahahaha. That's so 1990's. Hahahahahaha.

The NINJA walks in.

NINJA

Ma'am?

VILLAIN

Dammit stop that!

NINJA

Sir?

VILLAIN

Yes Ninja?

FREEZE SHOT ON NINJA. "THE NINJA" POPS UP IN WORDS ON SCREEN

NINJA

There's a hero ma'a-- sir. He's outside.

EXT. VILLAIN'S LAIR

The Henchmen are all standing in a line in front of the door to the lair. Hero walks up to them.

HENCHMEN

Do you really think you can get inside so easily?

HERO

Uhhh... yeah, that's the plan.

HENCHMEN

Well it won't be so easy. We've been trained in three different types of close quarters combat, aced all of our shooting exams and Paul here has taken interpretive dance classes.

PAUL

Guys come on, shut up!

HERO

Oh. Well in that case, I'm gonna go home and have some pie.

HENCHMEN

Wait no. You look pretty tough. I mean, you do have an eye patch. I'm sure you could take us.

HERO

Alright fine. Bangkok rules?

HENCHMEN

Eh seems reasonable. Ready guys?

HERO

Nobody draws until this can hits the ground.

Hero picks up a can and throws it into the air. He then points his fingers in the shape of a gun at all the Henchmen, gun flare shoots from his fingertips and he guns all of the Henchmen down. Then the can hits the ground.

INT. VILLAIN'S LAIR

NINJA

He's defeated all of the Henchmen ma'am.

Villain hangs his head.

VILLAIN

Well maybe you should go and stop him?!

NINJA

I dunno. Do you really think I should?

VILLAIN

Yes you should!

NINJA

But you are the head villain. Why don't you do any of the work? Its always "Ninja do this" and "Ninja do that". The pays not even that great.

VILLAIN

Look, he just got rid of my henchmen. You can have their paychecks if you stop him.

NINJA

Now that's what I'm talking about.

INT. VILLAIN'S LAIR'S LOBBY

Hero is walking towards the door that say "VILLAIN'S ROOM - EMPLOYEES ONLY" on it. Ninja jumps straight in front of him out of thin air. Hero and Ninja stare at each other.

HERO

A ninja.

Ninja just nods his head.

HERO

Am I gonna have to fight you? I'm really not in the mood.

Ninja nods his head again.

HERO

Damn. Hey, your shoes are untied.

Ninja looks down at this sandals. He looks back up and Hero punches him in the face. Hero reaches his hand out away from Ninja, and he uses the force to pull a lightsaber out of thin air. Ninja nods his head, and he pulls out a lightsaber himself. The two begin to fight.

INT. VILLAIN'S LAIR

Villain is standing, staring at the door, talking to Girl.

VILLAIN

He can't win right? I mean, he's fighting a ninja. Ninjas have all that kung-fu, tai-kwon-do, jujitsu, Bruce Lee thing going on, right? He has no chance right? He's fighting a ninja! There's no way he can beat the ninja!

Hero walks in the room.

HERO

Hey, I just beat the ninja.

VILLAIN

What? Impossible.

HERO

Its amazing what a man would do for a Klondike bar. I mean, for a beautiful girl. I mean, to save the world.

VILLAIN

Well you'll never get that opportunity, Hero. You die here and now.

HERO

Bring it on.

THIS FIGHT SCENE HAS BEEN REMOVED DUE TO EXCESSIVE VIOLENCE, GORE, NUDITY, LANGUAGE, SUGGESTIVE THEMES, AND THE WORDS A, S, F, B and . WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE. NOW BACK TO THE MOVIE.

INT. VILLAIN'S LAIR

Hero is standing over Villain's body, which is sprawled out around the floor. Next to his head is a broken ketchup bottle and a pool of ketchup is around his head.

HERO

Okay.

Hero pulls out a notepad. On it is a checklist. He checks off "Infiltrate Lair", "Fight Useless Henchmen", and "Beat the villain". "Get the girl" and "Save the world" are left unchecked.

HERO

Get the girl. Alright.

Hero goes over to the girl and unties her.

GIRL

My hero!

HERO

Alright baby, lets take off like a prom dress.

GIRL

I can finally get back home and see my boyfriend Jursy Wallace!

HERO

What?

GIRL

I can finally get back to my boyfriend Jursy Wallace.

HERO

Boyfriend? Dammit!

Hero throws Girl away from him. She falls and lands on the Michael Bay Button. A VOICE comes from no where.

VOICE

The Michael Bay Button has been pressed. You have two minutes to escape before everything explodes. I repeat, you have two minutes to escape before something totally awesome happens.

HERO

Damn.

The countdown says "02:00". Hero gets out of the building. The countdown reads "00:02", "00:01" and then "00:00". As Hero walks away, the building explodes.

FREEZE SHOT ON EXPLOSION. "THE END" POPS UP IN WORDS ON SCREEN