AN INTERVIEW WITH BAKURA

Interviewer: Today we have with us Bakura.

Bakura: Hey, Oh, can you hang on a second? I’m on the phone with the Pharaoh. Yami! You shut the fuck up!

-Bakura is silent and you can hear Yami yelling at the other end of the phone-

B(enraged): BLOW ME!! What’s that? Listen up, raisin balls, I don’t want to hear that! Yeah. Fuck your mother for me. Bye!

-Bakura crushes his cell phone-

I: Jesus!

B: It’s okay. This is Ryou’s phone. I cannot believe that piece of shit! He gets all cunty with me and he is the one who started the fuckin’ fight!

I: That is always good; blame it on someone else. That really shows your level of maturity. So, what have you been up to?

B: Personally? Nothing. My girlfriend left me for Yami . No, I caught her blowing Yami on my couch. That is why I am mad at him. Oh, yeah! Did you hear about our car accident?I: No. Why don’t you tell me about it?

B: God! What a field day that was. Ryou is driving like a complete fuck. I mean really slow and sloppy. So, I push his ass out of the seat and take the wheel.

I: You know how to handle yourself. What did Ryou do?

M: He gets his ass hair caught in a twist and acts like a giant infant. Marik is sitting in the back seat being a complete piece of shit. While, I am flying down the highway, he decides that he needs to throw up, and he yaks right into my sneakers!

I: What do you do about it? The suspense is killing me!

B: I hit the piece of shit with one of the vomit covered sneakers! While I am turned around, Ryou has to grab the wheel. Remember, what I told you about his driving. As soon as I turn around, I am still pissed and I zoom by like 100 more cars.

I: Is that how you got into an accident?

B: IT WAS NOT MY FAULT! Why does everyone always think that it is my fault? Why is it never Ryou’s fault? What about Joey?! He is as dumb as a bag of dog testicles! And don’t get me started on the pharaoh! He’s a complete fuck almost as bad as that Kiba asshole. The other two were complaining about my driving, so I get out of the car and let Marik drive. While Marik is busy being an asshole at the wheel, he hit’s a duck. The van flips over the guardrail and we land in a ditch with the wheels still spinning!

-Marik walks into the set-

Marik: So? At least I didn’t total the van. We could still drive it out of that ditch.

B: I only did that eight times!

-Interviewer coughs and Bakura hits him-

B: You’re on my side.

I: Marik. Why don’t you tell us your story?

B: Fuck him! I want to tell it!

M: Fuck you! Your mouth is always flapping why don’t you just give it a fuckin’ rest?

B: Suck my dick! Your mouth gets a lot of action doing just that!

I: Marik’s mouth gets a lot of action sucking on your dick? What the fuck kind of shit is that?!

B&M: What the fuck? NO!

B: Maybe Jonathan’s but not mine!

-Marik punches Bakura-

-Bakura smacks Marik-

-They began to argue and yell; soon a fist fight breaks out-

I: Break it up! Goddamn it! Just get on with the story, I don’t have all day. I have Jude Law coming on at eight!

B: I think that Jude Law is a piece of shit.

M: Hold that thought there, Bakura. Well, where do I begin?

B: It was August-No! September. Right before my birthday.

-Door slams open-

Yami: What the fuck is up? Did you miss me?

-Marik rolls his eyes-

M: So yeah, it was right before Bakura’s birthday. We were on our way to celebrate early at my favorite topless bar. We were driving through downtown brown town. I mean the Bronx. Bakura is driving along and something catches his eye.

Y: Yeah, some high prices hookers caught his eye. He gets a hard on and-

B: MY HARD ON IS SO BIG THAT IT GETS CAUGHT IN THE WHEEL!

M: You wish. Why don’t you take a break from fantasy land and come join us here in reality?

B: Yeah, well, you still have a little dick even in fantasy land.

-Marik shoves Bakura-

M: You wanna go?

B: Bring it!

-Bakura and Marik begin to wrestle. The fight escalates quickly-

Y: Break it up! Stop trying to blow each other!

-Marik and Bakura fall silent. Bakura’s lip is bleeding and Marik has a bloody nose-

Y: so, anyway, while examining the hookers, Bakura takes his hands off the wheel to get a better look. Why they have all of our attention, the van drifts to the other side of the road! Ryou is totally into it, as he has never seen a hooker before. Bakura, Yami and me have had our share of hookers, so we are just checking out the selection that they had in America.

M: And then all of a sudden these lights flash at us and then BAM! The whole left side of the van is caved in and glass rains down on us.

I: What do you guys do?

B: I panic and I swear! I’m yelling out “Oh, fuck! Fuck! I just killed somebody!” Marik is freaking out yelling “What the fuck just happened?!” and Ryou is sitting in the backseat looking as if someone slapped him in the face. Yami is yelling “Do you know who you just hit?! I am the PHARAOH!”

-Ryou walks into the set-

Ryou: Are you twisting around my part in the story like you always do?

Y: Nope. He was telling the interviewer here about our car accident in America. The time that he was driving and he saw the hookers and caused a major collision over it.

R: I remember that! After the crash I was in complete shock! Then the hookers came over to make sure that we were okay; as they saw the whole accident go down.

M: Ya, know, I bet that they felt pretty proud that they had our attention so concentrated that we allowed the van to drift to the other side of the road without realizing it!

R: And of course, Bakura is well enough for him to think that he is gonna have his hard on taken care of! He tried to put the moves on the hookers, only they are too smart for him and he ends up paying them for nothing!

M: They won’t even give him an ass grab! He goes home pussy-less.

B: Shut the fuck up! You didn’t get any either!

M: I got some with your sister!

B: I don’t have a sister. I only have a brother…who happens to be a transsexual…

-Marik runs off to vomit-

B: Hey, how did you guys get here? I didn’t see the van parked out front.

I: You still drive that fuckin’ thing?

Y: You’re goddamn right we do! That thing is a classic, you don’t get rid of it just because it has been smashed and on fire one or two times! You keep it-it adds historical reference to it. So, how did you get here anyway?

B: uh, Yami, I LIVE HERE! YOU FUCK! My apartment is above this one with the stage in it. Yeah, Ryou’s bedroom is right above your head.

Y: Wow.

M: I know! I have never been here before. Isn’t this place great?!

-Bakura slaps Marik-

B: Dumbshit! You have been here before. You’ve been to my apartment before. You were here the other night for drinks while Ryou was studying for his exams.

M: Huh? This is your apartment? Shit! I love what you have done with the place. It looks totally different. It is amazing what you can get done in the days that you have off.

-Ryou, Yami and Bakura slap themselves in the head-

R: Marik, you’re a retard.

B: You stupid-ass! Ryou and I live in the apartment above this one! This is the building that I live in. Jesus Christ!

Y: He lives here too?

R: I am surrounded by a bunch of brain-less free-tards.

M: So what is the name of this shit-box? I might like to come and visit you sometimes with Malik.

B: It is Patriarch Pla- SHIT-BOX?!

Y: At least he doesn’t live with his parents, like you do.

M: I don’t like with my parents anymore. They tossed my ass out a month ago. I live with my aunt now.

Y: Shacking up with your aunt, now? Huh, you pervert!

M: I am not having sexual relations with my aunt like you did.

Y: She wasn’t my aunt!

B: Yeah she was his cousin.

-Yami cracks Bakura-

Y: NO! Fuckhead. It was my mother’s sister’s daughter’s son’s daughter.

I: Yeah, that really changes some things.

Y: Yeah it does. Thank you. At least someone here has a brain.

M: He was siding with us, moron.

Y: Huh? What?

I: Really, I was siding with them.

R: That is not fuckin’ fair! That is more than half. I guess I will side with Yami to even out the fight.

B: Life is not fair, Ryou. Why don’t you just go and try to commit suicide again. That was fun.

I: Ryou? You’re suicidal?!

M: Yeah it is. His father caught him at it like three times. I think that I have them all on tape. Let me check. Hold on a moment.

Y: You brought DVD’s?

B: Yep. I was prepared to humiliate him today. And goddamn it am I gonna do it. M: The first time that he tried, his mom caught him and yelled. She told him to pull his head out of his ass and get on with life.

I: What did he try?

M: First it was head in the oven.

-Marik puts the DVD into the player-

-The movie starts with Ryou turning on the oven-

R:I hope that I don’t live through this. My father and Bakura will never let me hear the end of it, if I do. Plus, they will be really pissed at me…then again. Bakura usually is pissed off at me.

-Ryou puts his head into the oven and as he is closing the oven door his father walks into the kitchen-

DAD: RYOU! What the fuck?!

-Ryou’s head smashes into the top of the oven-

D: Get your head out of there you ungrateful piece of shit! It’s not your girlfriend’s ass! Get to your room. I don’t want to see you for the rest of the night. Don’t try any shit up there, or I’ll come up there and pumble your ass! Then you will wish that you were dead!

-Ryou’s dad kicks his ass up the stairs-

-Yami pulls the DVD out.-

Y: This one is even better!

- The movie starts out with Ryou in the garage looking for some bricks-

R: Hey Bakura! We got any bricks?

B: What the fuck do you need bricks for? You’re not trying that suicide shit again are ya?!

R: Uh, no. It’s a science project.

B Ok. No, we don’t have any bricks. We do have some cinderblocks though.

R: Great! Those will work just fine. Now I will have to use my shoelaces because I am out of rope. Goddamn Bakura, taking my rope for his revenge on Yami.

B: I will be back in a minute or two. Make sure that you clean out the pool filter. I want to go for a dip in the pool and I don’t want any shit floating around in the water when I am in there.

-Bakura leaves and Ryou heads out to the pool with his supplies.-

-Uses his shoelaces he ties the cinderblock to his ankle. He then jumps into the pool. He is underwater for about a minute before Bakura comes through the pool gate and catches him in the act-

B: Science project my ass!

-He pulls his ass out of the pool-

B: If I catch you one more time I am gonna paddle your ass! And not in the way that your girlfriend does either. I goddamn guarantee that you will not like this one bit. Maybe you will even have a little trip to the shadow realm.

-Bakura puts in the last and final DVD-

-Ryou is reading a magazine, and an add for a suicide kit catches his eye. Ryou clips out the article and sends in the order form-

-Every day for two weeks Ryou sits at the mailbox waiting; finally his kit arrives in the mail-

R: About goddamn time! Oh, boy!

-Tears the paper off excitably-R: Wow. 20.89 for this? Fuck. It better be worth it or I am gonna sue someone.

DIRECTIONS AND MATERIALS

I pack of extra sharp razorblades

A pre-written suicide note

Video camera

One anatomy chart of the human wrist

1. Examine chart fully, to make sure that you cut deep enough into your wrist

2. Open the package of razorblades.

3. Take our pre- written note and fill in the blanks

4. Set up video camera so that your family and friends can watch you slowly watch you die. You need them to feel guilty for what they have done to you.

5. Slice open wrist and turn on the video camera. Sit and watch yourself die!

R: This is fuckin’ great! Teach my father and Bakura a lesson for fucking me up. And teach Marik a lesson for stealing my woman and pushing me to this. Ha ha! Fuck them all!!

-Ryou sets it all up and is prepared to slit his wrist when Bakura walks into the bedroom catching him in the act-

B: You ungrateful piece of shit! How fuckin’ dare you!

-Bakura rips the razorblade out of his hand and whips it out of the window-

R: NO! My fuckin’ life line! My way to sanity!

-Ryou attempts to jump out the window to save his razorblade-

-Bakura pulls him back through the window and it closes on his head-

R: Jesus!

B: Serves you right. I hope that you have fuckin’ brain damage now! Wait you already had that. That is nothing new.

R: Fuck you, its your fault.

-Bakura smacks him in the head and his yells of pain are heard through out the neighborhood-

-Ryou takes the DVD out-

Y: That is my favorite one! Whatever happened to that kit anyway?

M: I took it home. I played with it for a while and made some Emo Barbies.

B: You piece of shit! I wanna be reimbursed. That was expensive! He paid for that kit using the money that I stole from Kiba.

M: Ok. Ok. Get over yourself. I’ll pay you back, you have my word.

Y: He has your dick too!

-Marik reaches out and slaps Yami-

M: Keep your fantasies to your fuckin’ self!

R: Why can’t you guys act like humans for one afternoon interview?

I: I would love to let you guys argue, but we have to go to a commercial break.

TO BE CONTINUED