I don't own, bla…
Bruce heard a soft moan of contentment from beside him, and he rolled over. Whoever she was, she was blonde. He didn't remember drinking at that party last night. Why couldn't he remember getting home?
Briefly, Bruce wondered if it would be too much to hope it was Black Canary laying beside him. He'd always had a thing for her, but he'd kept it to himself since that one time Ollie caught him staring and threatened to dismember him and his "little side kick". The man was rightfully protective of Dinah. She was something to behold.
But even in the dark, with his head still groggy from sleep, he could tell it wasn't Dinah… though he attempted to perpetuate the fantasy as long as possible.
"Mmm…" the moan of contentment came again from the woman sleeping beside him. It seemed like a familiar moan…
He gently bent over her and pulled the blond hair from her face. STEPHANIE BROWN?
First of all, it didn't take a genius to do the math, and it didn't take a genius to figure out in this state… well, it was illegal. To stay the least.
WHAT THE HELL HAD HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?
Ok. Assess the damage…
Aside from the fact the girl's mother would probably castrate him and he'd be tossed in jail for statutory rape?
She rolled over and smiled as she stretched. Her hand reached up and cupped his cheek. "Morning already, Tiger?"
Bruce pulled away and sat up, panicking. He was going to be sick.
"Gimme… a minute," he gasped. Ok. Logical explanations…
Clones, aliens, hallucinations induced by the Mad Hatter…
Suddenly the thought came to him: Blame Dick and Tim. Somehow, this had to be their fault. He wasn't sure how, yet, but he was certain they were behind it. It was absolutely impossible to think that he'd… with her… and… eeug.
"Spoi-Steph-Sp…" Aww, crap.
She sat up, her breasts and stomach exposed. It was a bit cold in the room, her nipples were rosy and hard. Bruce looked away.
"Is there anyone in the world who doesn't know about the Spoiler thing?"
Bruce blinked, staring at the wall. She didn't know he was Ba—
"Did Dick or Tim put you up to this?"
"Tim? Tim Drake? Why would? How do you know Tim?"
Bruce ran a hand over his face. He was beyond confused and frustrated. Wasn't it time for Tim and Dick to come falling through the doorway, laughing their asses off?
"What's wrong?" Stephanie asked him.
Without responding, he went directly to the bathroom. He turned both faucets on full blast and then thrust his hands under the water, throwing it on his face in one sharp motion.
He was in trouble. He was in serious trouble.
Tim… he thought Tim would never forgive him already—wait till he found out about this. Dick would… he didn't know what Dick would do, but he was sure it would be horrible. And ALFRED! Alfred wasn't at the manor any more, but he'd never ever forgive this…. This indiscression, this, this… he didn't know WHAT the hell it was!
He could see the headlines now… CEO of WayneCorp charged with statutory rape…
What the hell would Lucius Fox think?
That wasn't what really made his stomach turn. The thing that really, really made him sick. Superman would be here… faster than a speeding bullet, bringing fire and hell-storms… and the whole fucking Justice League…
Having secret plans to kill the Justice League was one thing. They'd gotten over that pretty quickly. Having an affair with a teenage apprentice…
Bruce was in a lot of trouble.
There was a knock at the door. "Whatcha doing in there, Pooky?"
Bruce stared at his own wide-eyed reflection in the mirror.
"We might be able to get in another round of… exercise before I have to go to school…"
Bruce fell like a dead weight to the bathroom floor.
"How many fingers am I holding up?" Dick snickered.
"No! Wait! He has to open his eyes before he can tell ya. Bruce. Open yer eyes." Tim was barely choking down his laughs.
"Where am I?" Whatever Bruce was laying on, it was hard and cold. "More importantly—what am I wearing?"
It was an important question to ask before you opened your eyes, sometimes.
"Umm… nothing." Dick answered. "Yer buck-nekkid. In the buff, wearing the emperor's new clothes…"
"That'll be enough, thank you." Bruce tried to sit up. It wasn't working. "Where's Stephanie?" This could get seriously ugly.
"Where should she be, Bruce?" Tim asked.
Bruce didn't answer.
"Look, man, sit up," Dick said. "And open your eyes. Something. You sucked on some of that fear gas too last night. Timmy and I woke up not so happy this morning, so we figured we'd check on ya, even though your ass doesn't deserve it."
"I feel like death."
"What'd ya have for dinner?"
He thought about that long and hard. "Hard-boiled eggs. Well, I didn't boil them enough."
"Dude, fear gas and spoiled food don't mix. Timmy and I found that out the hard way."
"Totally." Tim chimed in.
Dick took back over. "We both had this weird dream about you knocking up Spoiler."
Bruce turned on to his side just in time to throw up.