"And:Reboot" - Part III

It had been about a month since the incident in the car. Neither of us had brought it up, and I figured that that was fine with me. I couldn’t help but feel a little bit bitter about it, however. It was the first awkward moment that we didn’t sit down and explicitly discuss. There was no closure. As a result, I had trouble facing him or even being in the same room with him alone for too long. It made me uncomfortable. It was strange that things had to become awkward between us now, but I figured it was for the best. I would need to start distancing myself from him anyway, if I was ever to have any hope of getting over his memory loss. Soon, Naruto wouldn’t be Naruto anymore, so I just kept telling myself that it was simply for the best.

And Naruto, well, he very well may have forgotten about it. I think that’s what I wanted to believe, but sometimes I saw that familiar spark in his eyes, felt that lingering warmth from his hand whenever he patted me on the shoulder. The worst part was that I didn’t want to see it. I just wanted things to go back to normal; I wanted things to go back to how they used to be. Somehow, I knew that was impossible.

I suppose what bugged me the most about the occurrence in the car was that I wasn’t sure what had brought it about. Had Naruto planned to sleep with me then and there, or was it something else? I mean, he had asked me about having sex that night, but when he put his hand on my leg and suddenly ended up on top of me, it just seemed…different. His hands had been shaking. He seemed as scared and uncertain as I couldn’t deny that I was in that moment. He didn’t seem like he was touching me just to touch me, but because he really wanted to touch me.

Needless to say, I kept having a lot of weird dreams about it, and kept waking up to a lot of cold showers. It certainly wasn't fun. Thankfully, Naruto never asked about sleeping with me again, so I was able to brush the absurd notions that that might be a possibility out of the way. I was stupid to believe anything he said, anyway.

During our small period of what we refused to believe was estrangement, I was able to learn a little bit more about Naruto’s condition from Sakura, one of Naruto’s former conquests who just happened to be a Pre-Med major. It wasn’t that I cared, I had just run into her at the café and she had suggested we sit and chat for a while. This meant that she did all the talking, because I certainly did not “chat”. Regardless, she told me that L.O.A. usually took about two years to fully wipe someone’s memories clean, and another three of intense rehabilitation in order to build that person back to the same level of mental state that they were at previously. In other words, I would be twenty-five before Naruto would be himself again. I felt sick. Sakura seemed to notice my small shift in disposition, and she tried to cheer me up by telling me that different people reacted to the condition differently, so he might recover faster. That just meant that Naruto might forget me faster, too.

“You just need to be sure to spend a lot of time with him,” Sakura told me, a reassuring smile on her face that I couldn’t bring myself to hate. “Don’t waste the time that you have now.”

That was probably the most intelligent thing that I had ever heard her say, which didn’t really do her justice, seeing as I had never really spent a lot of time alone with her. She also told me I was lucky to have known about it for so long, because Naruto hadn’t told anyone else until that past week. I didn’t feel lucky. I just felt sad.

“If you’re in some kind of fight with him, forgive him,” Sakura gently instructed. I wondered if Naruto had told her that we weren’t really talking. I doubted he had told her about the car incident, but if he had, I would kill him. “L.O.A. doesn’t discriminate between long- and short-term memories. He could lose anything. Just make sure you don’t do something you’ll regret.”

I had to wonder if it was already too late for that.

/

Naruto started having nightmares again. I was surprised, because they were also an occurrence that had been more prominent during our freshman year, thinning out during our sophomore year, and nearly disappearing for most of our junior year. Either way, he’d woken me up more than a few times during the period I’d known him, yelling and thrashing about like he was about to be killed. The first time it had happened, Naruto had not warned me beforehand, and I was jarred out of sleep by him screaming bloody murder. It was one of the most peculiar things I had ever witnessed. I turned on the light and shook him and called out his name, but nothing worked. He just wouldn’t wake up. And he really thrashed about, too. I was worried he might hurt himself, maybe even me, so all I could do was grab hold of him and squeeze him as tightly as possible until he calmed down—essentially until he wore himself out. He was a high-maintenance friend. But I still did it, and I didn’t mind doing it, because Naruto really was my friend, irritating or not.

He had told me that he had been having them since he was a child, and no one was ever able to find out why; it was just the way he was. He said he didn’t even remember what he dreamed about during these episodes, but he just knew that it was something terrifying. I hated these moments, because I couldn’t do anything for him, and when I told him this, being sure to rephrase it as something like, “There’s no helping you when you’re like that”, he would always smile and say, “Just being with me is enough.” And, slowly but surely, he stopped having the bad dreams.

That’s why I was really confused and really caught off guard when he woke me up one Thursday night screaming. It wasn’t really screaming, but it was more of a high-pitched yell—a desperate cry for help of sorts. At any rate, it scared me a little, and I rushed over to his bed to see if he was all right, not even bothering with the overhead light. He flailed his limbs wildly, like some sea monster, and before I could grab his arms, he slugged me pretty good in the eye. I ignored the searing pain that seemed to engulf one entire half of my face and crawled onto the bed, pulling him right into my arms. He was strong; I’d give him that, and I nearly gave up a few times during his paroxysm, but I pushed aside thoughts of quitting and held him even tighter. It was a lot worse that night than it had ever been, and Naruto kicked and screamed and went on for a good fifteen minutes, and when I thought I could hold him at bay no longer, I pulled him close to my face and found myself whispering, “it’s okay; it’s okay; it’s okay…” again and again and again, and finally he gave up struggling and was still, face drooping onto my lap as his body sagged onto the bed. A tremendous relief spread throughout my exhausted body, and sometime after that, I fell asleep. The wall by Naruto’s bed had never felt so comfortable.

I woke up first the next morning, a terrible crick in my neck alerting me that it was time to move. My first surprise of the day came when I became conscious of the fact that one of Naruto’s hands was almost all the way down the back of my boxers, probably seeking warmth. Removing it, I covered him up as was the usual norm, before cracking and straining all the way to the bathroom.

My second surprise came when I looked in the mirror and saw the ring of black that surrounded my right eye. Poking it sent a wave of blinding pain throughout my face, and as I whispered a string of curses, I realized that I hadn’t left my makeup on one eye as I was accustomed to do on occasion. Naruto had gotten me pretty damn good.

I had just finished washing my face and was drying it when said blond walked in. Actually, he rushed in, face full of worry and alerting me that he must’ve realized what had happened. Sometimes he just knew.

“Oh my god,” he said in the doorway, freezing there as if he was afraid to cross the distance between us once he had finally caught sight of my eye. As if he didn't want to hurt me. I just looked at him, not at all surprised that those were the first three real words that I had heard him speak to me in five-and-some odd weeks. “Gaara—“

“I’m okay,” I cut him off monotonously, avoiding his eyes by way of mirror in which I lightly touched the swollen skin around my own eye. It really hurt, and I think Naruto noticed this, despite my efforts to hide my wince, because he stepped into the bathroom and place his hands on my shoulders, gently but firmly pulling me toward him.

“Did I—Was it—,” he began, seeming unable to ask what he already knew. “I did that?”

I stared at him for a while, thinking first that it was weird to feel his hands on my bare upper arms. I wished I hadn’t taken off my shirt. “You had a nightmare,” I said, as if it explained it all, and, in a way, it did. I was going to say something else, some unnecessary comment about how it was nothing new, but Naruto spread his hands on both sides of my face and pulled me close, destroying any other thoughts as he brought his lips down over my black eye.

I had expected it to hurt, but his cool touch was comforting as he rested his mouth against my closed eye. I felt his lips move as if he might say something, but he let his arms fall away and left the room without another word. It took me another minute to realize that my hand was gliding over where his lips had been. It took me another minute to realize just how fast my heart was beating.

It was that following Saturday morning during the sixth week of our estrangement that Naruto starting talking to me like nothing had ever happened. I was just glad that he was talking to me again, but my normal, blank stare kept this fact perfectly hidden.

“Morning, sunshine,” he chirped, far too happy to be up at nine in the morning. Sitting at the table, he placed a cup of coffee in front of me, followed by a bowl of oatmeal. I kept quiet when he put four spoonfuls of sugar in my glass, accompanied by a drop of cream. In his own cup, he put a mere two spoonfuls of sugar, and that was all, but the small smile on his face told me that he didn’t realize he had switched our usual orders. I had never felt so automatically miserable. Taking one sip of his drink seemed to pull him back to reality, and he laughed and exchanged our mugs. “Sorry about that. I must not be awake yet.”

I knew better. “It’s fine,” I replied disinterestedly, taking a sip of the bitter liquid. Making coffee never was one of his strong suits, but I had always liked how he knew this and made it for me anyway. He was a smartass like that sometimes.

A part of me wondered if he really had forgotten about the car incident, but what he said next reaffirmed the fact that he could still read my thoughts. “I’m sorry,” he said, voice quieter than usual. He didn’t face me when he spoke, eyes glued to the glass, and I couldn’t figure out whether I was offended by that or not. “I’m sorry about what happened. It was…I don’t know,” he trailed off. For once, I found myself wishing I could guess what he was thinking. “I don’t know what happened. I guess I was just confused or something.”

Or stupid, I resisted the urge to say. Or maybe we were both so very stupid. “It’s fine,” I replied again, staring at my coffee like it held all the answers. “It happens.” Once again, it usually didn’t, but whatever. Everything was starting to feel like whatever. But at least things were starting to feel normal between us again. I think some messed up part of me missed the idiot blond beside me. That messed up part would probably always miss him.

“And sorry about your eye,” he added after a bit. I could tell he was being truthful. “Does it hurt very badly?”

“It’s fine,” I said once more. For some reason, I found myself thinking that it was March, and there were only two more months before I would be home for the summer, two more months and I would be a senior. Two more months and I wouldn’t see Naruto for at least three more. Why did that dishearten me more than usual?

“Truce?” Naruto asked suddenly, bright smile and extended hand pulling me out of my gloomy reverie. He was the only person who could do it so effortlessly, and would probably never know. Looking at his outstretched palm, I couldn’t help but remember that it was the same hand he had slipped down the front of my pants. Goddamn him.

“Don’t waste the time that you have now.”

I wondered why I was remembering Sakura’s words at that moment. But she was right. I made it so that I looked unaffected as usual as I shook his hand and gave him the normal, skeptical glance. It was probably my imagination, but he seemed to hold my hand longer than usual. It had to be my imagination.

“And about the coffee,” he eventually continued, letting go of my hand and putting both his hands in pockets as if it was the only place they could be trusted. “I—,” looking at me for another span of time, he sighed and smiled for real. “Eventually, I’ll forget that I’m forgetting, though that won’t be for a while yet. Just be patient with me, okay?”

I didn’t know that it was rhetorical until he grabbed our plates and mugs and turned to the sink, which was funny, because I kind of wanted to answer him.

“Oh yeah,” Naruto said after a bit, craning his head toward me briefly. “Are you doing anything tonight?”

I wanted to make up something, but I couldn’t think up a lie fast enough. I suppose I just didn’t want to admit how badly I wanted to see him. “No, why?”

“Wanna go with me to a party tonight?”

I hated that such a harmless question still made so internally happy. In another life, I probably would have smiled. In this life, I could only reply unenthusiastically as usual. “Sure.”

Things seemed to finally have returned to normal. I wanted to believe that I couldn’t ask for more than that.

/

I was just glad that the party wasn’t themed. As I searched for something to wear to the party we were due to in an hour, I remembered a time during our sophomore year when Naruto had dragged me along to a schoolboy/schoolgirl-themed party. It was my first time experiencing such an event, but it was enough for me to ascertain that I would avoid such events at all costs in the future. People already acted weird and out of character at such outings—quiet and academic honor students turning into wild party-animals—and themed parties only seemed to pull them into even more abnormal personas. The only entertainment I had gotten out of the experience was that this cute guy from my European Survey course had kissed me in a drunken stupor. I didn’t really mind—he was a really good kisser, but nothing compared to the expression of complete embarrassment he showed me when he walked into class that following Monday. He was straight, by the way. I think Naruto had known this at the moment, too, but he just smiled and gave me a thumbs-up. The next thing I knew, the guy’s tongue was in my mouth. If memory serves me right, Naruto’s smile seemed a little forced. I thought it was because he’d never seen two guys kiss before. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me then that his first, real kiss had been with one.

I also don’t know why I remembered that now.

Naruto was pulling his pants on and hopping around quite animatedly so that I could do nothing but watch him. I didn’t know what I was going to wear anyway, and in truth, I didn’t really care. Naruto’s crazy-pants dance went on until he nearly knocked over his chair, and when I could take no more of the odd spectacle, I walked over to him, seeing him freeze and glance at me, and wordlessly yanked up his denims.

“Honestly,” I muttered, discreetly releasing a breath and fastening the button on his pants. I tried not to stare too long at the near-invisible blond hairs that started below his navel and disappeared into the waistband of his boxers.

“Thanks,” Naruto said, voice drowning out a bit as he bent over to look at his pants as if they were some kind of ancient relic. I just raised a hairless brow and sat down backwards in my desk chair. Crossing my upper limbs over it, I leaned my chin on my arms and let out another sigh. Naruto came over to me, ruffling my hair and resting his hand on my head for a few seconds before pulling it away. “Are you feeling okay? You don’t have to come if you don’t want to.” He smiled. “I won’t force you.”

I looked up at him for a moment, then cast my eyes downward. “Will there be any cute guys there?” I think that was the first sarcastic comment I had ever made to him. Naruto’s resulting laugh nearly pulled a smile from me.

“Of course,” he replied teasingly. “I do plan on going.”

I couldn’t help but feel that I was extremely lucky to be paired with a roommate such as Naruto. He was tolerant of my sexuality, and he respected me as a person. Then I recalled that that might all change. Certainly the smiling boy before me would gradually be erased.

“You should hurry up and get dressed,” he said, playfully chucking me under the chin. “Ino could be here anytime, and we both know she lives by her own schedule.”

“Ino?” Something in my voice seemed to make Naruto grin. It wasn’t that I didn’t like her, but I wasn’t exactly fond of the girl, either. Maybe it was because she was forward. And touchy. And loud. Regardless, my feelings were mixed, because she could do magic with a pen, paper, and model-sketch like it was nobody’s business.

“She’s our escort,” Naruto turned away, pulling on a white undershirt. “Be nice,” he warned playfully, pulling a preppy button-up from the closet at random and putting it on. He really could make anything look good. Goddamn him. He looked good. I don’t know if it was that particular outfit, or if it was simply the fact that I was finally letting myself acknowledge it. Probably both. Running a comb through his hair, then shaking it out for a more natural look, he pulled on his sneakers and was ready to go.

I still had my clothes on from earlier. They were anything but suitable. “Get dressed,” Naruto said humorously, shaking me by the shoulders until I got to my feet. I waved him away and spent another five minutes in front of the closet, before he walked over and draped a pair of jeans over my shoulder, along with one of his striped, short-sleeved polos. I didn’t really like polos, but I was too indifferent about my outfit to argue with him about it. At least it was black and white.

Naruto’s judgment turned out to be surprisingly effective, because the jeans made my legs look skinnier than they were, and the shirt messed with one’s eyes so I looked a bit taller than I was when viewed together with the pants. I almost looked like a normal member of society. Were it not for the large ring around my eye. Walking to the bathroom, I pulled out my black pallet and prepared to cover the bruise with it, but the moment the eyeliner stick hit my eyelid, I dropped it and somehow managed not to scream. My eye would not be receiving cosmetic attention anytime soon. Naruto walked in around that moment, taking a record three seconds to figure out what was going on, before he grabbed me by the wrist and dragged me back into our room, gently guiding me to sit. When vision returned to my black-eye, I saw that Naruto was looking at me and smiling. Given more time with him, I probably would’ve been able to fall in love with his smile, too. Maybe I already had, and I simply refused to admit it. Probably.

“Just relax,” instructed Naruto, raising his hand so that I shot a critical glance at the eyeliner stick in it. In the other, he held my eye-shadow pallet that held various shades of black. Naruto had bought it for me as a birthday gift the year we first met. I couldn’t help thinking when he had handed it to me that it was one of the most practical gifts I had ever received. I watched as he dusted one of the eye-shadow applicators in a gray-based color, taking my chin in his hand like some kind of artist. God help me, what had I subjected myself to?

As if he sensed my discomfort, Naruto looked at me and said “Trust me,” running his fingers over my eyes so that I had no choice but to close them. I also liked his hands. I had a thing for hands though, always looking at them whenever I met someone new, but no one’s hands ever compared to Naruto’s. His were perfect. He had nicely groomed fingernails, and long, slender digits, and suddenly I was remembering his hand laced with mine as he kissed me on my bed, and then his hand gently trembling as he touched me in the car. What the hell was wrong with me? Anyone else would’ve forgotten such things by now. Naruto certainly seemed to be over it, anyway. Goddamn him. Goddamn me. Just…Goddamn it all.

“Done,” Naruto exclaimed, tearing me from my tumultuous thoughts. Opening my eyes, I hadn’t even known he had begun. Shooting him the critical glance this time, I slowly walked to the bathroom to view his work.

Well…Of course, it was perfect. He could do no wrong. “How’s it look?” Naruto questioned, appearing in the bathroom beside me and tossing an arm around my shoulder. “I haven’t lived with you and learned nothing these three years. It’s good, right?”

I couldn’t bring myself to tell him how great a job he had done. I couldn’t even tell there was a bruise, the way he had blended the blacks and grays so expertly around my eyes. I could only say, “It’s all right,” before stepping away from his arm and leaving the room.

Naruto stood in the bathroom doorway, looking out at me and frowning a little, like he wanted to say something but couldn’t because of the look on my face. I just stared at him, before sighing and roughly pulling my shoes on. What was wrong with me? What the hell was wrong with me?

Finally taking a step into the room, Naruto opened his mouth to speak, but his phone’s ringtone completely threw him off. He actually seemed to regret having to answer it, but as he pulled it out and placed it to his ear, and I walked over and glanced out the window at the car in the drive, I knew he would be telling me soon that Ino had arrived.

Goddamn it all.

/

The party wasn’t half-bad. That didn’t mean I was happily enjoying myself. Granted, I never happily enjoyed myself anywhere, but that wasn’t the point.

It was hosted essentially by Kiba, and held at the Frat house he lived in, so at least we weren’t cooped up in some run-down, student-neighborhood house. But still. At Frat parties, gay people seemed to either disappear, renounce their gay ways for a night, or excuse themselves altogether, so I knew I was not going to get any kisses from hot guys tonight. Which was fine for me, really. It was the first night I had ever truly felt like mellowing out.

Everyone did keep commenting on how good Naruto and I looked together—not like that, but in general, and that it was great to see us together just like old times. I agreed with them, but I didn’t say anything, and Naruto just tossed his arm over my shoulder and said stupid things people would want to hear, like how we were long lost twins of hotness, and other equally stupid comments, but when I glimpsed at myself and then at him in the mirrors we passed, we did look pretty damn good. Naruto’s usually vibrant eyes seemed a little lackluster, but it could have been the lighting.

Someone—I think it was Ino—tried to push a drink into Naruto’s hand, forcing him to pull his arm from my shoulder. The whole affair seemed to span into an intense, concentrated moment, as his hand drifted across the small of my back, tracing down my arm until his fingers just barely dipped into my palm. I looked at him, but he just gave me a small smile and dropped my hand. I felt as if something extremely important had just happened, but no one else seemed to notice it.

“Here you are, Naruto,” Ino said suggestively, pushing a beer into his hands.

I was starting to worry about another hickey, when Naruto took her hand and placed the can back in it. “No thanks, Ino,” he replied courteously, and his smile was enough to stop her from feeling snubbed. Instead, she grabbed us both by the arms and pulled us over to the snack table. We all took a seat with everyone else who was there, and I ate a few chips, but for the most part wasn’t hungry. Naruto looked at me worriedly a few times, but I indicated with a subtle nod that I was fine.

But I wasn’t fine. Ino was quite obviously flirting with Naruto, and she did it so that everyone knew it, too. They may have been going out, for all anyone else knew, and a lot of the girls that naturally gravitated toward Naruto immediately left when they caught sight of the close pair. First, she had her hand glued to his arm, like some twisted form of a First Lady. That would’ve been fine if her other hand hadn’t been resting on his kneecap. Then she laid her head on his shoulder and looked up into his eyes whenever he talked to her, quite obviously asking for a kiss. I don’t know what I would’ve done had he actually given her one. Probably nothing, because that’s what I had done all of the other times. I wasn’t supposed to care. If droves of girls flirted with Naruto, that wasn’t supposed to be my concern. So why did I care now?

A girl I didn’t know came and sat in the empty seat beside me, offering me a drink which I actually accepted. It was just soda, and I was feeling a little dehydrated, so I figured it wouldn’t hurt, but then the poor girl thought I was interested in her and wouldn’t leave me alone. She just kept talking, and she was sweet enough, but she was starting to get annoying, and before I knew it, I was leaning my face in my hand and simply struggling not to kick her, and when a laugh sounded not too far away, I was not surprised to see Naruto covering his mouth and looking at me in such a way that I almost kicked him, too. At least he seemed a little happier. He even gave me a look of sarcasm that congratulated me on the girl by my arm. I restrained myself from rolling my eyes.

When Ino put her hand further up on Naruto’s leg, I seemed to forget everything else and solely focus on it. I couldn’t draw my eyes away. The girl beside me told me something, to which I mumbled an inaudible reply, and she finally seemed to give up and leave. When I looked at Naruto, he hadn’t seemed to notice, until his eyes jumped downward and I realized her hand was stroking his inner thigh. Forget her artistic abilities; I could have kicked her as well. Hard. Naruto respectfully moved her hand, but a few seconds later, it was practically on his crotch.

I didn’t realize until it was pinching my hand that I had been slowly crushing my pop can. Tossing it onto the table with a mounting pile of aluminum, I begrudgingly glanced once more at Ino’s hand, before Naruto caught my eye. He smiled a bit, and I glared, and his smile seemed to morph into a smirk

I was about to get up and leave when Ino spoke up. “Naruto, it’s too bad you’re going to lose your memories. You’ll let me take care of you, right?”

I think my glare darkened by several degrees. Naruto’s smirk faded, replaced only by a weak grin. “If you want,” he kindly replied.

Kiba glided by at that moment and jokingly told her to leave him alone. But the damage had been done. The rest of the people at the table started to converse about Naruto’s condition, and those who didn’t know about it—even those who didn’t know him—talked about it and ooed and awwed. Pretty soon, everyone was chitchatting about it, and Naruto just sat back and smiled, occasionally answering questions but staying quiet for the most part.

It made me sick. There it was again—that futile resignation. Even though there was nothing that could be done, I got mad, and I got mad at Naruto, because I couldn’t hate an illness. An illness didn’t walk around, and laugh, and talk to me, and confuse me by almost feeling me up, so all I could do was default my frustration onto the one who was probably suffering the most. I really was a horrible person. In an internal rush of frustration, I stood up from the table and politely excused myself. A polite excuse meant I left without saying anything impolite, by the way.

Naruto actually surprised me by catching up with me and cutting me off before I could get very far. “Everything okay?” he asked warily, placing his hand on my bicep.

“Ino will be looking for you,” I said flatly, voice still conveying some of my annoyance.

“Forget about Ino,” he said, trying to laugh it off. I could tell it took considerable effort to do so. I wondered if he missed her hand on his crotch and roughly pushed his away.

“Don’t touch me,” I told him angrily. “Who knows what you might do.”

I shouldn’t have said it, and I knew I shouldn’t have said it, but the words came out before I could stop them. Naruto looked as if I had struck him, and all I could do was look away.

“I told you I was sorry,” he said after a moment. “What more do I have to do?”

Why couldn’t I say what I really meant? Why couldn’t I tell him how I truly felt? Maybe I didn’t know either of these things. Maybe I knew, but I didn’t want to accept it. “Just leave me alone,” I quietly told him, walking away before he could say anything else.

/

I didn’t see him for the next two hours, and for some crazy reason, I didn’t leave the party. I just meandered about quietly, wordlessly observing as people became more and more intoxicated and, likewise, exponentially crazier. I don’t know why I didn’t leave. I didn’t talk to many people, and I was bored out of my mind, but, most of all, I felt like a complete asshole. As much as I cared to deny it, I had no business treating Naruto the way I had, hastily displacing my irritation onto him like an immature child.

The next time I saw Ino, she was seconds away from dancing topless on a table, but Naruto was nowhere near her. He might’ve gone home, but when I saw Kiba, he told me before I had a chance to ask that Naruto was somewhere out back. About ten minutes later, I had somehow managed to weave through the large crowd of people, finally coming to the back of the house. Naruto wasn’t difficult to find.

He was sitting on the porch in the dark, and it wouldn’t have been easy to see him were it not for his mop of blond hair. Everyone else at the party must’ve been too inebriated to notice. He was sitting with his legs pulled to his chest, and I might’ve thought he was looking at the stars were there any in the sky. He was looking at nothing again—or at least at that place that I couldn’t see.

Pushing open the screen door, I walked out beside him and took a seat. He didn’t really say anything at first, but I knew he knew it was me.

“Weird night,” he said quietly. Then, a little more positively, he said, “You didn’t have to stay.” He was looking at me now, blue eyes clearly visible in the darkness. Despite his best attempts at a smile, he looked overwhelmingly sad.

“I’m sorry,” I told him, looking down at my lap and scrunching my face a little in the difficulty of admitting I was wrong. “I shouldn’t have said what I said.”

Naruto laughed a little to himself and turned back toward the sky. He never could stay upset with me for very long, even when I wanted him to. “You were right,” he said with a minute shake of his head. “I shouldn’t have touched you…any of those times. I don’t really know what got into me.”

“Naruto—”

“Do you know what I’m most afraid of? What I have nightmares about? What I’m the most scared of in the whole world?” Glancing at his lap, he let his legs hang over the edge of the porch, before glancing at me again. I didn’t know what to say. This was the one thing I had never learned about him. “I don’t want to end up alone.” He laughed a little again, like it was something to be ashamed of, and I couldn’t help but wonder how someone so loved by everyone could ever fear ending up with no one. But I suppose someone could be constantly surrounded by people and yet still be alone.

“Naruto,” I said again, and he didn’t cut me off this time. “You won’t end up alone.”

“Who knows?” was all he said in reply.

The one thing I would change about myself, were it actually possible, would be to become more suited to cheering people up. I usually didn’t care, but I really would’ve given anything to make Naruto feel better in that moment. It made sense that ending up alone was his worst fear, though. He had told me long ago that his parents had abandoned him in an alleyway, and no one had ever adopted him because they considered him too rowdy. He laughed when he told me the story, but there was an irremovable pain in his eyes that only a blind person couldn’t have seen. Though I could only see his profile now, I could tell it was there again. But, like when he had disclosed the story then, I didn’t know what I could do for him now.

“Are you afraid…” I spoke up after we sat for a while in silence, “…of what will happen to you?” I couldn’t help but feel like Ino, asking questions that were none of my business.

Naruto looked at me and smiled feebly. “Terrified.”

He looked back into the yard, into nothing, and when I laid my hand on his arm, I don’t think he expected it, because he jumped a little and glanced at it quickly. “I’ll be there,” I told him. With that same weak smile just barely curving the corners of his lips up, he took my hand into his and studied it all over, like it was some sort of specimen.

“I always liked your hands,” he told me, sadness in his voice dissipating as time passed. I wanted to tell him I felt the same way about his, but as always, I stayed silent. His touch was warm, spreading up my arm a bit as his fingers played with my hand. Flattening our palms together, his smile was more genuine when he saw that they were roughly the same size. I wanted to say something to the effect that he was easily amused, but the words died on my tongue when he laced our fingers together for a brief moment, running his thumb over the back of my hand. When he let it go finally, he turned it over and traced the lines on my palm. The feeling of his finger moving over my skin was enough to make my heart start racing, fluttering wildly against my ribs. But I couldn’t pull my hand away. And Naruto couldn’t seem to let go either as our eyes locked, and I frowned at him a little, and the smile seemed to fall from his face. I didn’t understand it at first, until he placed his other hand on my hip and started to lean toward me, stopping when his face was only a few inches from mine. He was striking there in the darkness, moonlight playing off his eyes like sapphires, and even though I didn’t know what would become of this, I curled my hand loosely in the front of his shirt, silently telling him that it was okay.

“Naruto, there you are,” Ino drawled, tripping out onto the porch. “I’ve been looking for you everywhere, mister.”

Naruto glanced up at her and smiled, shaking his head as he got to his feet. My hand immediately felt cold when he let it go. “Hey there, Ino.”

Shikamaru glimpsed out the screen door, sighing and joining us on the porch. I got to my feet to quietly acknowledge him. “I’m sorry about this, Naruto,” he sighed again. “She’s been causing a bit of a riot for everyone tonight.”

“No, I’m not,” Ino countered hotly, pivoting toward him and stumbling a bit. “Besides, Naruto was about to kiss Gaara! I had to interfere!” Another one of Naruto’s amused laughs rang out, and I was glad he found this funny, because it was his sexuality that would be questioned were Ino to remember any of this in the morning.

Shikamaru grabbed her by the arm, carefully steadying her. “Ok, ok. You’ve obviously had too much to drink.” He gave me and Naruto a weary glance. “Naruto’s about to leave, so say goodbye.”

For a moment, I thought the platinum-blonde really might cry. “Bye-bye, Naruto,” she sniffed. Turning toward me, she pouted her lower lip cutely, making it impossible for me to hate her. “Bye, Gaara. You’re really lucky.”

“Ok, that’s enough,” Shikamaru tugged on her arm. “Let’s go back inside now.” He pushed her into the house, before stopping at the door and facing us again. “Sorry about that, you guys. She’s a little…yeah.”

Naruto just waved him off with a smile as if it were nothing. “Don’t worry about it. We’re gonna get out of here, anyway.”

“See ya later, then,” he told Naruto. Giving me a nod, he trudged back into the house, probably to restrain Ino from doing anything stupid.

Chuckling, Naruto put his hand on the small of my back and prompted me to start walking back toward our room. His hand never left my back. I could focus on little else.

/

I was fooling myself if I said I didn’t expect what was coming the moment we stepped foot into the apartment. We had said nothing on the way over, but we walked much closer together than was necessary. Our shoulders and arms and hands continually brushed, and I knew Naruto was aware of it, because he had a strange look on his face, like he was trying to stop himself from doing something he might regret.

Unlocking the door, Naruto walked in behind me, and when I raised my hand to turn on the light in the front room, he placed his hand over mine, flattening it simply against the wall. I turned to ask him what was wrong, and he pushed me to very same wall he had my hand against, so that I could only see what was over his shoulder, and even that was difficult to see in the dark.

Naruto’s breath was warm and measured, but it didn’t smell of alcohol, so I couldn’t attribute his actions to that. I could only figure that he was finally taking me up on his conquest of curiosity. But that was fine with me. I was tired of beating myself up over it all, and maybe I wanted it, too. I think there was a part of me that had always wondered what it would be like to be with Naruto like this.

I turned toward him slightly to ask him a question, and my lips brushed his neck a bit, causing me to forget whatever I was going to say for the second time that night. I felt him uncover my hand, bringing both of his own up and over my back, before sliding them back down. Though there was a layer of fabric between his hands and my skin, the gesture was still enough to make me go a little weak in the knees. I gripped my hands on his hips, and he pulled back to face me with a scared look in his eyes. As I turned my head to stare back at him, I realized it wasn’t so much fear as it was a silent entreaty to go further. I still couldn’t seem to bring myself to actually say anything, so I simply reached down and traced a random trail toward his pants. He might’ve smirked a bit; I couldn’t be sure, but he pulled my hands away, pinning them to the wall with a gentle show of force, before he slowly unfastened the three buttons of my shirt—well, his shirt, but at that point, details became irrelevant.

It was weird, because we remained silent during the beginning stages of it all, but I supposed that that was because people usually kissed during the undressing parts, and what we were doing was based simply on the act and not the emotions, making lip-contact unnecessary. That didn’t stop it from being weird, though.

When Naruto pulled my shirt off, discarding it somewhere on the floor, I could tell it was probably unusual seeing an upper body without breasts, like he didn’t quite know what to do with it. As this was more of an experience for him than me, I let him just stare at me for a while, despite the fact that it made me a little self-conscious. I thought he was about to turn tail and run, when he placed his hands on my stomach and slowly dragged them upwards. They stopped on my nipples, and I flinched a bit because his hands were cold, but as he gently pinched and explored them, a steady heat seemed to flood from the area, permeating my body and travelling straight to my groin.

Naruto brought his left hand to rest on my shoulder, while his right pressed gently against my sternum. Even in the dark, I could tell he was smiling. “Your heart’s beating fast,” he murmured gently, and suddenly his eyes were that beautiful, moonlit cobalt. Taking one of my own hands, he slipped it under his shirt, sliding it up his bare skin to rest in roughly the same area. The rhythmic thump-thump of his heart beat on beneath my palm, even faster than my own quickened pace. “Mine, too,” he told me, voice almost an inaudible whisper.

I wanted to tell him he was stupid, but again the words just wouldn’t come out. Removing my hand from his shirt, I took hold of his wrist and pulled him over to the couch. I really didn’t know how much longer I would be able to remain standing. Would Naruto really go all the way? When he took a seat beside me on the couch, and a small, uncomfortable silence fell between us, each refusing to look in the other’s eyes, I really thought it was over. And then Naruto leaned over and kissed me.

I can’t say that I’ve ever been more caught off guard by something. Naruto leaned toward me a little, putting his hand on one side of my face and tilting it toward his, and then his lips were on mine, pressing with the smallest amount of force, before he pulled back to look me in the eyes. I’m sure I must’ve looked a little shocked, a little confused by what he was doing. It was the first time he had kissed me in a moment of lucidity. This was not supposed to be part of the plan, so what was he trying to accomplish with it?

Resting his hand on the side of my face, his thumb gently caressed my cheek. “Maybe I have some things I don’t want to regret, either.”

A cross between a frown and look of uncertainty passed over my face, but Naruto silenced anything I might’ve said with another kiss. The first few were simple presses of our mouths together, nothing more, as we sat together in silence on the small couch. Then, by degrees, and very gradually, the kiss deepened. Naruto was the one who did it, slowly coaxing my mouth open with his tongue, and I realized that this was Naruto’s second French kiss with a another boy. But my gender did not seem to hinder him. He was, by far, the best kisser I had ever experienced, and if it was possible to cum by a kiss alone, then Naruto would be the one to do it. I didn’t even fight as I usually did to take the lead; I didn’t even care. I didn’t even like kissing, but I could’ve kissed him forever. There wasn’t even anything overtly erotic about it. There was just something about the way his tongue moved in and out of my mouth that nearly turned me to putty in his hands. I clutched feebly at his shirt, but I couldn’t seem to bring myself to grip it, and Naruto pulled my hands away again, leaning me back onto the seat of the couch.

I can’t explain how unreal it all felt. His slow and steady kiss seemed to make time stop, and one of his hands was still on the side of my face, while the other was raking down my bare side and trying to find a place to rest. It just didn’t seem like it could be happening, a kind of daydream blurring the lines between true and false.

When his fingers brushed my belt buckle, it became real. The clink of his fingernails on cold steel seemed to draw us both harshly from the simplicity of kissing and into some bigger realm of possibility and reality. Naruto pulled back, looking hesitantly at me again, and I just stared at him before saying, “You don’t have to,” and Naruto told me, “I want to,” and suddenly he was lowering his mouth back down onto mine. I think I threw caution to the wind in that moment, and so did he, because suddenly he was kissing me, and I felt his fingers unfastening my belt and undoing my fly, and then his tongue was in my mouth again nearly driving me insane, and the kiss was suddenly becoming more fast-paced, more passionate, more urgent, and suddenly so was my heartbeat as Naruto finally undid my pants and slipped his hand under my boxers and onto bare skin. I unconsciously broke the kiss, taking in a sharp breath and gripping his collar and nearly pulling him flush against me as I felt his hand finally touch my penis.

“Is this…okay?” he asked, voice nearly a whisper. There was enough of a waver in it for me to know he was just as scared as I was about all this. All I could do was nod my head against him.

It was awkward for us both, as this was my friend of two-plus years with his hand in my pants, and I’m sure Naruto must’ve been a little uneasy about going this far with another guy, but gradually his hand began to move. He quite clearly did not know what he was doing, but he was still making me hard. Despite having the same parts, there’s a big difference between touching yourself and touching your roommate who is also a male. But still, I couldn’t seem to let go of his collar, and I felt myself starting to tremble as his hand started to move faster and faster, along with my breathing which wouldn’t slow down. Soon, I was clenching my teeth and burying my face in his shoulder, and Naruto wrapped his other arm around me and held me close as if he wasn’t going to let anything bad happen to me, and I was starting to feel like I might cry again.

I came instead, body tensing up as I jerked upward into both his hand and body. As I collapsed onto the sofa, Naruto looked down at me with concern until he saw that I was all right, and suddenly he was kissing me again. Goddamn. After a little more of that, enough to successfully arouse me once more, Naruto pulled back and just stared at me for a little while. I wanted to ask what he was thinking, but I still couldn’t seem to find the words. I wanted to run my fingers through his hair, but my hands seemed glued to his shirt.

“God,” he said, not so much to a particular god, but more out of a kind of awe. “I think—well, I don’t know what to think.” His smile was bittersweet. And then I was really puzzled when my leg brushed his erection. My biggest concern about the whole sleeping-with-a-guy thing was how Naruto would bring himself to actually be turned on enough to do it. In my mind, the thought of sleeping with a girl was a serious turn-off, so I could only imagine that for Naruto, sleeping with a guy would be the same. But he was aroused. Somehow, he had been sexually stimulated by all this, but I could only conjecture that it was the foreign element of it all, the unknown.

Looking at him then, he really was one of the most important people to me in the world. I don’t know what that said about me, because looking at the two of us, well, one would only have to look to see that we probably wouldn’t be compatible. And we probably wouldn’t have been, were it not for Naruto. He could be really stupid, and clueless, and even childish, but he didn’t give up on me. He never once gave up on me.

I pulled his face to mine again, and we kissed a little more, but it wasn’t so much for the kiss as it was to give me time to take off his shirt and undo his pants. Of course, his shirt had fifty-thousand buttons, so by the time I got around to his pants, my hands were exhausted. I opened up my legs a little and pulled Naruto between them, and even if we both had our pants on for the most part, I could still feel him through both of our jeans. I felt him smile a little against my mouth, and I wished for just one second he was in my position, trying to take off someone’s pants with a hard-on pressing into your thigh. It wasn’t exactly easy. When I finally had his slacks open, the back of my hand brushed his erection and he leaned into the touch, a small moan escaping his lips. If I hadn’t already been turned on, that alone would’ve done it. The only thing that stopped me from giving him a hand job was the fact that we might as well just get to what we were going to do in the first place.

When we broke the kiss to pull off his undershirt, I turned onto my stomach so I didn’t have to face him as I told him the details of gay sex. Raising up onto my knees, I moved to pull off my pants the rest of the way, but Naruto surprised me by doing it himself. The whole process of events that followed had a lot of potential to be extremely awkward, but Naruto did everything I told him to do without fussing, even asking me with genuine worry if I was all right a couple of times, and it wasn’t long before I was ready for him to enter me.

But I’ll be damned if it didn’t still hurt. I felt Naruto brace his hands on my waist and dropped my face onto my arms as he slowly pushed into me from behind. That was probably the most awkward moment—when we were finally connected, Naruto inside of me and breathing really hard, and my heart beating faster than I ever remembered it beating, and the dazed realization that you and another person become one for this miniscule moment in time. Soon, the stupid tears were coming out of my eyes again, and I could feel myself shaking, but Naruto just wrapped his arms around me from behind and held me as tightly as he could as he kept telling me it would be okay. He almost made me want to believe it. When my weird mood passed, Naruto kissed my back and then my neck and then he started to move.

I’ve had sex before. A choice few times, things led to other things, and before I knew it, I was either in someone else, or they were in me. But with Naruto, it felt like I was making love for the first time. There were a million reasons why; it was in the way he held me, the way he spoke to me through it all, the way his hands seemed to be all over me. I felt him moving, felt his thumping heart against my back, and that mounting tension within myself that seemed to build continuously through it all. There was also that lingering fear in the back of my mind, that ever-present caution sign that told me to be careful, because honestly, what in the world were we doing? There was no way we wouldn’t regret this later. But as one of Naruto's hands closed over the back of my own hand, fingers falling into grooves as digits tightened into my palm, I knew that, for now, I was content.

When I came, I bit my lip so hard it almost bled. Naruto would not stop shaking. He didn’t pull out of me either. For a long time, he just lay on top of me, face buried in the nape of my neck and arm curled around one of my shoulders. I thought he was asleep, until he slowly disengaged his body from mine, eliciting a drowsy moan from the back of my throat. The moonlight was spilling in through the blinds, throwing horizontal spears of light across the room, and I would’ve been content to sleep face down on the couch had not Naruto dragged me around, curling my arms around his back. I mumbled something, some weak protest, but he kissed me again, and I wondered what he was doing, because he had already slept with me and got what he had wanted. But the kiss was nice, a fitting end to it all, and when his lips left mine, and he put a hand into my hair, gently massaging my scalp and lulling me toward sleep as he pressed another kiss to the top of my head, all I really wondered was just how long I had been in love with him and not known it.

That was my biggest regret.

/

It’s weird to realize you’re in love with someone, or, at least, to finally accept it. When I woke up the next morning, a horizontal spear of gold shining directly into my eyes, that was the first thing I could think about. But I didn’t feel any different, didn’t feel as if a large weight had been taken off my shoulders, didn’t feel like I was being lifted up to where I belonged, as some song proclaimed; I just felt blasé, because if I wasn’t blasé about it, I knew I would only feel sad, because I had gone and fallen in love with someone who was fated to forget all about me. How does someone cope with that? How long does it take to erase someone from your heart willingly? It just seemed so cruel that it took so long to get to know someone, but only an instant to forget them. Maybe Naruto would wake up and have already forgotten. Just how long would I remain a part of his memories, before I, too, faded away?

Naruto’s naked body sprawled on top of mine was the second thing I thought about. His ear was pressed to my chest, but his face was turned a little so that the corner of his mouth just barely touched my skin. I was curious as to what time it was, but at the same time, I didn’t care. It was Sunday, so I had the day to both think about how stupid we both were for having done what we had done, and how on earth I would finish my homework before tomorrow. But for now, Naruto was on top of me, and I was beneath him, and I was all right with that.

It wasn’t long before Naruto woke up, stretching a little until his hands registered that they were touching someone else’s skin, and that alone seemed to snap him to full awakening. He looked up at me, and I thought he was about to freak out, but he just smiled and cross his arms on my chest, tilting his head a little to the side as our eyes locked.

“You could have woken me up,” he said, sleepiness still in his voice and in his lidded eyes and in his unkempt hair, all these elements molding together and making him an extremely attractive person to wake up next to. “Were you up long?”

“Not long,” I looked away.

“How do you feel?”

“Fine,” I said quietly. A little angrier, I faced him and said, “I’m not a blushing virgin, you know.”

He laughed, the rumble transferring onto my chest, and when he sat up, I was cold. “I know, I know,” he said. Picking up his button-up from the floor, it took everything in me not to protest when he pulled me to sit up and put it on me, fastening a few buttons in front. “Believe it or not, I am—well, was.”

I felt my throat go dry. “What?”

“Sex is sex, no matter who it’s with, so I’m not a virgin anymore.” I think I stared at him for a good five minutes before he pinched my cheek and smiled. “Thanks.”

“For what?”

“Last night.”

And I was mad again. “Did you get what you wanted?”

He looked shocked for a minute, before that kind smile was on his face again. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m glad my first time was with you. Weirdly enough, I can’t think of a better person who I would’ve rather been with.”

I think my face fought between any number of expressions before settling with one of subtle surrender. “Me, either,” I told him, voice quiet as my eyes left his face, and suddenly his hand was on my cheek again, and his mouth was slanting over my own as he pressed our lips together. It felt like goodbye. When Naruto pulled back, his fingers were resting on my neck, and his thumb was gently smoothing over my cheek. There was a really big lump in my throat that I kept trying to swallow, but it just kept coming back, and I felt that stupid prickling behind my eyes, and I really could’ve slapped Naruto in that moment.

“That’s a more proper thanks, don’t you think?” Naruto inquired, messing up my hair and smiling at me. And then I watched as his smile faded, until it was nothing, and he was no longer looking at me, and the room may as well have been cast in darkness. “I don’t know…exactly how I feel about you,” he said quietly. “I know I love you as a friend…I’ll always love you like that, but I don’t know if it’s something more.” He looked at me, and the sadness in his eyes was overwhelming. “I know it’s unfair to tell you this,” he smiled a little here, “especially considering the circumstances, but I think it’s only fair that you know, maybe, why I did what I did. I don’t even really know.” Resting his hands on my shoulders, he pulled me against his chest. “Just know that you’re one of the most important people in my life. I’m so happy I met you.”

I don’t know how I prompted myself to speak, but when I did, my voice was shaking, and it only made the lump in my throat bigger. “Why are you doing this?”

“Better now when I can…than never. I’m going to start forgetting a lot here soon, if what the doctors said is right. I just don’t want to have any regrets.” He let out a soft laugh that made me want to cry. “Especially not about this particular crazy redhead I know...” That was just like him, trying to find the good in a situation that could only be described as bad, trying to make sure that others didn’t have to hurt…at least not as much as he had to. “Just know that I love you, okay?”

“Yeah,” I managed to say.

After a moment, Naruto was laughing quietly again and rubbing me on the back. “What about me,” he faked a pout. “You love me too, right?”

“Yeah.” The tears started rolling down my cheeks again, and I couldn’t stop them. “I love you.”

I don’t know that Naruto knew the full extent of what I was saying when I told him that, but that was all right. Maybe he knew that if we talked about it, it would just make it more difficult for the both of us. But that was fine with me. Thinking back, that was the last day that Naruto was so much himself, laughing and teasing me all day, and actually coercing me to put my homework off so we could just spend time together. It was like any other normal day, but it was also one of the best days of my life, because it would be seven months later, to the day, that Naruto would forget about me. But we had those seven months.

There’s not really much to say about the time that passed between that moment and the last time I saw him. For the most part, things were the same, and some days were better than others, but other days, I could see Naruto struggling to remember things, like how to answer a complex math problem or where the light switch was. It was difficult. I started driving him to school because I was worried he might forget how to walk, but the doctors told me that day was a long way off. I just wanted to be careful. He was still pretty much himself when the year ended and we said our goodbyes to head home for the summer, but I found myself calling him at least once a week, if he didn’t call me first, and we were sure to stay in touch. He always told me he was all right, but I knew better, and I’m pretty sure he knew that I knew, too.

When I saw him at the start of our senior year, he told me he probably wouldn’t be able to finish off the term. I just looked at him like he was speaking gibberish and said that I would help him as much as I could, and that things would be fine. He just smiled. He stopped making breakfast on Saturday mornings, and that was tough, because I knew he had forgotten that he had always done it. Likewise, he didn’t meet me at the library on Tuesdays and Thursdays anymore, but I told myself this was all right, because I would just work with him in the apartment. I told myself a lot of things during those seven months. Most of them were lies, but they made it possible for me to face each new day with confidence. Still, some days I would just be really mad, and other times, most often than not, I would be irrevocably sad.

During one of these moments, Naruto looked at me and said reassuringly, “It’s not like I’m dying.”

“You may as well be,” was all I said in reply.

I really felt like he was dying, except it was worse, because he was dying right in front of my eyes, everyday, losing a small part of himself. Losing me. Sometimes I was just mean, and I knew it was wrong, but I would ask him about a moment he couldn’t recall, and he would just tell me he didn’t know what I was talking about, so I would just keep asking and asking until finally he grew upset and left the room. I don’t know why I did it. Maybe I felt that if I asked him enough, he really would remember.

One of the worst days was the day he actually looked at Iruka, his foster father, whom I knew he had cared very deeply for, and asked him who he was. I was there when it happened, and Iruka could only look at me with a small smile, telling me quietly, “Take care of him for me,” before he left with a pained expression.

But if he could forget about Iruka, I knew it was only a matter of time before he forgot about me. And I was right. The doctors, whom I had come to know quite well during our senior year, took me aside during one of Naruto’s checkups and told me that Naruto was holding onto me. I didn’t know what they meant, until they informed me that Naruto was subconsciously holding onto memories of me, something that rarely happened, but it was causing him to lose memories of other people and things faster, thus tiring him and his brain out. They seemed to look at me very slowly, as if unsure of what to say.

“So what do you want me to do?” I inquired flatly, crossing my arms and trying not to glare too openly.

One of the lady doctors put her hand on my shoulder and smiled compassionately. “Try and help him to forget.”

Why did it have to be me that kept the memories? Why did it have to be me that made him forget? I just couldn’t understand it; I just couldn’t understand anything anymore. But I did what I could, because I didn’t want Naruto to hurt anymore than he already was. We were slowly drifting apart anyways. I had Sakura start alternating with me to watch him when, at one point, he stopped going to school. He just couldn’t keep up, and I started seeing him less and less, but when I did, he would always get really excited and call my name and ask why I was avoiding him. I didn’t know what to say. I just told him he was stupid and didn’t know anything. I really was a horrible person.

There was a particular day when I was meeting with Naruto for the day and I could tell by the look in his eyes that it took a particularly long time to remember just who I was. Sakura had called me two weeks prior to that moment, crying and telling me that Naruto had finally forgotten her. What do you tell someone in a moment like that?

Naruto and I hung out for the day, but I mostly did homework while he walked around the apartment trying to find out just why everything, especially the couch, seemed so very familiar.

“Stop messing around,” I would say every once in a while, and he would flinch and take a seat beside me, before he was soon standing and looking at something else again. That night, as I lay in my bed, and Naruto laid in his just like old times, I stared at the ceiling with my arms crossed loosely over my stomach.

“Naruto?” I said quietly, uncertain if he was still awake or not.

“What?” he replied, and I pictured him lying almost exactly like I was, except with his arms behind his head. When I turned to look at him, he was.

“Don’t forget about me.”

“I won’t,” Naruto yawned out, stretching and shifting onto his side.

“…You will.”

He forgot about me the next day. When he woke up, the look in his eyes was more than I could take, so I left the apartment and called Sakura to come and get him. And I never saw him again for quite a while. I talked to a few people as time went by, only to check up on him, but they all said he was doing just fine. He was a fighter, and he fought the condition to the very end when he finally had to be put on a ventilator to help him to breath. I couldn’t have seen him like that anyway. I would’ve broken down. The last time I spoke to anyone, it was Sakura, and she was telling me that he was expected to make a fast recovery and would be in mental therapy soon. I told her that was great. By that time, his smile was a distant memory.

/

My footsteps seemed uncertain and slow as they fell quietly across the white linoleum of the hospital. I had been ready to head to a seminar when I received a call from Sakura, asking me to come and drop by the sanatorium to see Naruto. I had nearly dropped the phone, my fingers trembling as I asked her why, but she just said it was a surprise and wouldn’t tell me anything.

I was about halfway to his room, when I pivoted and detoured into the nearest boy’s bathroom. Thankfully, there was no one else in the area, and I braced my hands on the sink, taking a few deep breaths and looking into the mirror. I looked relatively the same; I was still young. It had only been three years, so there was no way Naruto would remember me, but for some reason, I still wanted to make sure that I looked all right. Twenty-three saw me with only a few subtle differences. My hair was a little longer, brick-red bang falling into my eyes. I was a little taller, but just a little; maybe I had grown a fourth of an inch, and my eyes probably held the biggest difference—still blue-green, but with an unalterable sadness lingering in their depths. It was cliché, but true. I had never been able to get rid of it, never even known it was there, until people around me started asking if there had been a death in the family or some other unfortunate event that I couldn’t get off my mind. My brother and sister had been especially concerned, but every time they asked, I told them I was fine. I was still young, or so people told me, working on my Bachelor’s and soon to start my Master’s, but I felt much older than twenty-three. I couldn’t explain it. I just felt tired all the time, like I had already seen the best years of my life and was simply waiting for death. I know it sounds horrible, but that’s how it was.

As soon as I ensured that my sneakers, jeans, and t-shirt would suffice, I took one final breath and stepped back into the hall.

I heard Naruto before I actually saw him. His laugh spilled out into the hallway, nearly making my heart stop. It had been so long since I had heard it last. When I got to the door, I could only stand there with a hand on the frame, watching him as he joked and used his natural charm on one of the female nurses in the room. He didn’t look very different. For a moment, it was like nothing had changed.

“Hey!” I was torn from my small moment of awe as Sakura came up from behind me, tapping me on the shoulder and flashing a kind smile. “Long time no see.” I nodded at her, and she looked toward Naruto with a skeptical grin. “Some people never change.”

“Yeah,” was all I could muster.

“He still doesn’t remember me,” she said, voice tinted with a hint of sadness, “or anyone, for that matter, but we’re working on it. His memories may never fully recuperate, but we’re remaining positive. He really is recovering fast.”

“I see.”

“Don’t I know you?”

I broke away from Sakura, whipping my face toward Naruto as if he had highly insulted me. He was looking right at me, tilting his head a little and blinking his blue eyes with the same expression he had worn when we first met. I didn’t know what to say. My throat seemed to close, and words wouldn’t come out.

He stood, and the nurses moved away to allow him to walk toward me, looking at him and then each other with a curious confusion. He was still just a little taller than me as he stopped right in front of me. I felt myself wanting to move toward him, so I was sure to brace my hand even tighter on the frame.

“Gaara…right?” he asked, furrowing his brows slightly as I watched him struggle with the right expression.

I’m pretty sure my eyes widened a little, and I looked at Sakura, but she just shrugged, clearly at a loss herself, so all I could do was look back at Naruto. “Right,” I replied, finally bringing myself to speak. “…How did you know?”

He laughed and rubbed my shoulder, looking like he didn’t quite know why he was doing it either, but he simply felt like it was the right thing to do. “You must’ve made a good impression.”

I think Sakura was crying, but if she was, she did a good job of hiding it. She motioned to the nurses, who shuffled out of the room, and before Sakura left, she told me she’d give us some time alone. I thanked her, and she was gone, the door closing as I took a step away from it, bringing me a step closer toward Naruto.

When I glanced back at him, he had his hand extended and a sheepish grin on his face. “I know you already know me, but this seems like the right thing to do. So, I’m Naruto. It’s really nice to meet you.”

After looking at it blankly for a moment, I took his hand and shook it. “Gaara.” Loosening my hand, I expected him to let it go, but he held onto it for a few more seconds, and I when I looked up at him, he was looking down at me with an unreadable expression, like he was trying to remember something that he probably should’ve known. With a nervous chuckle, he released my hand, and I brought it to rest on my arm as I waited for the memory of his fingertips to fade.

“Sorry about that,” he told me in earnest, motioning toward the two chairs in the room. “Where should we begin?”

When it came down to it, there were two benefits to what happened to Naruto. I was able to face reality and do the things I might never have been able to do under different circumstances. And now, I would be able to start over with him without making any mistakes. It was bittersweet, but it was all we had.

“Let’s start from the beginning.”

I’ll do everything right, this time.

/And:Restart

A/N: Well, there ya go. The story could end here. You can be done with it. But. I'm a loser who quietly grumbles over endings like these because I would much rather read about a nice ending rather than imagine it myself. In addition, there's a lot that wasn't discussed during the end of the story, such as how Gaara dealt with his feelings during the latter stages of everything, and even how Naruto treated him until he forgot they even had such a relationship. So. There will be a fourth chapter with a few weeks that will serve as the epilogue/sequel. Wait for it if you wish, or be done with this literary tidbit now. Whatever you decide, thanks for seeing this through to the end. Bittersweet, but that's life, isn't it?