Author's Notes

Thanks to all of you who are taking this sad journey with Edward and me - I appreciate all the reviews!

As was the case with the previous chapters, this one covers only part of SM's chapter 'Stitches'. Our Edward has so much more going on...

A couple notes on this chapter: As several have noticed I'm trying to follow what has been canonized in the partial release of Midnight Sun. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it!

For one part though, I'm using my own story 'Phoenix Rising' as background. I hope you'll bear with me... 8-)

Thanks again to my fabulous beta team, psymom, MarcyJo, and NoMoreThanUsual. Be sure to check out their stories, too!

Stitches

I've got him, Edward. Relax. Emmett's thoughts were steady – he had his thirst under control. I didn't move, not trusting anyone around me.

"Emmett, Rose, get Jasper outside," Carlisle ordered.

Emmett nodded his assent. "Come on, Jasper," he said with the last of his air, dragging our brother toward the door. Jasper continued to fight, turning his attacks on his captor. His thoughts were completely incoherent, just a jumble of violent, feral reactions.

I growled, louder this time, as I looked around, preparing to defend Bella against the rest of my ravenous family while also fighting my own urge to take her. Wisely, no one moved toward me.

Maybe now you'll see that she doesn't belong here, Edward, Rosalie thought as she helped Emmett drag an animalistic Jasper outside. I bared my teeth at her, but she didn't react.

I have to get away, the smell is so strong… Esme was beginning to panic, her thoughts starting to fragment as Jasper's had, and quickly followed behind Rosalie. "I'm so sorry, Bella," she wailed, covering her face with her hand.

Only Alice and Carlisle were left now, and Bella sighed behind me.

Slowly Carlisle took a single step toward Bella, holding his hands apart, palms up. "Let me by, Edward," he said, his thirst controlled, but strong. She needs medical attention, he thought.

Alice swallowed hard then showed me the immediate future: Carlisle stitching up Bella in the kitchen. Her confidence in the vision quelled her thirst, and I relaxed my stance and let Carlisle approach. The only remaining threat to Bella was me.

The urge to protect had overshadowed the thirst, but now that the danger had been mitigated, there was little to distract me from the combustion in my throat. I clenched my teeth trying to focus on helping my love rather than ending her life.

Her vitals are strong… no sign of shock… no broken bones… Carlisle carefully examined Bella while I stood back and watched. Her expression of horror was unmistakable, but she quickly attempted to smooth her features as he knelt down to her. The bravery she displayed was admirable, if foolhardy. She should be terrified. And the worst monster of all still stood over her…me.

"Here, Carlisle," Alice said, handing him a kitchen towel, doing much more to help than I could at the moment. I knew it would be insufficient – Bella's injuries were beyond the help of simple first aid.

With a shake of his head he thwarted her offer. "Too much glass in the wound." She'll require stitches, but she'll be fine, Edward. It's just a deep cut. Are you alright?

I didn't answer; I wasn't going to waste the little air in my lungs on such a useless question. Of course I wasn't alright – he should know that. Yet again Bella had been seriously injured, and it was all I could do to just stand here, holding my breath. Carlisle tied a piece of the tablecloth around her arm – stemming the flow of blood. At least now she wouldn't bleed to death.

Bella's face paled, and I tried not to think about the scent that was undoubtedly making her woozy.

My father's supreme compassion showed in his soft voice. "Bella, do you want me to drive you to the hospital, or would you like me to take care of it here?" He knew what her answer would be as well as I did, even without seeing Alice's vision.

"Here, please," she whimpered. In private, I added in my head. She thought she was hiding her weakness from the world, and probably her father, but was instead endangering herself further by remaining here. I listened to the group outside… Jasper was regaining control of himself, but still struggled against Emmett. My protective side strengthened again.

"I'll get your bag," Alice offered, keeping her distance from Bella. Her control was solid, but she knew her limits.

Carlisle nodded this time. "Let's take her to the kitchen table," he said, looking up at me. You can go, I'll take care of her.

In response I stepped forward and gently lifted Bella. She was so brave; I wasn't going to let my frailty show either.

"How are you doing, Bella?" Carlisle asked as we walked.

"I'm fine," she said automatically, but there was still an edge of fear in her voice. As there should be. Her warmth, her pulse, radiated through my arms, tempting me. A yell from outside was a welcome distraction as Jasper fought to escape his captors. He was begging to leave, to run away, his shame eclipsing the thirst he felt earlier. Alice was staring sadly out of the kitchen window, listening to him suffer. At least her love was uninjured, I thought viciously. I could change that…

She shot me a menacing glance, seeing all the possibilities in Jasper's near future. Don't even think it, she warned as I set Bella down.

Bella tried not to grimace as we adjusted her arm on the table, always the brave one. Oh Bella, I'm sorry… Alice thought.

I stood next to my love, fighting back all the emotions and feelings and thoughts save one… she needs me. No matter how hard this was for me, she was the one in pain, and I should be here with her. The burn inside me increased as I watched another drop of blood fall from her arm onto the table.

"Just go, Edward," Bella said, putting her needs below mine… again.

"I can handle it," I said, using up most of my remaining air.

"You don't need to be a hero. Carlisle can fix me up without your help. Get some fresh air." Carlisle injected her with a local anesthetic, and Bella inhaled through her teeth in pain. Needles were what she truly feared, rather than the murderer sitting next to her.

"I'll stay," I said with my last gasp of air. With my lungs empty, I would suffer with her in silence.

"Why are you so masochistic?" she mumbled, but I couldn't respond. She spends nearly all her time with the one creature who could kill her in less than a second, who desires to do so with every breath he took, and who had nearly succeeded on more than one occasion… and she calls me masochistic?

Carlisle sided with Bella. "Edward, you may as well go find Jasper before he gets too far. I'm sure he's upset with himself, and I doubt he'll listen to anyone but you right now."

No, it was Alice that Jasper wanted, not me.

"Yes, go find Jasper," Bella added, finding her strength again. Was she just being selfless, or was she really pushing me away?

"You might as well do something useful," Alice added, making it three against one. Tell Jazz I'll be there in a minute.

They all knew I couldn't answer, that I'd run out of air. I considered taking a breath, but the flames rose higher, anticipating the flavor from Bella's open wound that would assault my throat. Fine. I did have a few things to say to my brother. I nodded to my love before leaving. In moments I was across the lawn and in the trees.

The first sense I had of Jasper was his shame. I could have killed Bella. She was so scared. Her fear barely registered in his memory, only a twinge compared to the ravenous desire he'd succumbed to in that moment. When his thoughts turned back to himself, my anger grew.

Esme was worrying – about Bella, about Jasper, and about me.

As usual, Rosalie was the center of Emmett's attention, but he too spared a thought for Bella. The sympathy of my family should have provided some comfort, but it only served to amplify my own shame. I should be with her, not trying to assuage my brother's conscience.

"Maybe we should let him go, give him a head start, to make it fair. Edward's going to be gunning for you, Jasper." Rosalie said.

"Stop it, Rosalie, you are incorrigible," Esme scolded.

There were no concerns in Rosalie's mind; vindication was the only thought in her head. But even she was enjoying this situation too much, and Emmett chuckled in response uncharacteristically. They were unaware that their emotions were not entirely their own.

They were gathered a few miles away, at the edge of the river. As Jasper lamented, he also plotted, wanting to hide as much out of shame as out of fear – of me. He was counting on Rosalie to distract Emmett long enough for him to break free. My shallow sister didn't realize that he was manipulating her emotions as he shifted his strategy away from humor.

A wave of lust filled Rosalie and she put her arms around Emmett's shoulders. "There's so many other things we could be doing right now," she said seductively.

This time Emmett responded without Jasper's help, and his grip loosened. In the blink of an eye Jasper vanished.

"Jasper!" Esme yelled, but it was too late. He dashed into the woods, dodging trees and fallen logs. I was already in a sprint when Emmett slipped, and was only a blur as I ran between Esme and Rosalie.

"You can't run from me, Jasper," I threatened. All the restraint, all the control I'd been exerting over myself fell away, scattering like leaves before a freight train. The cool air cleansed me, dulling the burn and fueling my speed… and my rage. In two seconds I could see Jasper, in three I tackled him, taking him to the ground roughly. "You bastard," I snarled.

I was overwhelmed with remorse emanating from my brother, and he flung me off his back. Twisting in the air, I landed in a crouch, ready to attack.

Jasper sprang to his feet, prepared for me. "You know how sorry I am, Edward. I tried, I really did."

I lunged at him again, anticipating his reaction, and getting hold of his shoulders. "You tried?" Why he even bothered was beyond me. This life wasn't for him. He was a hunter only, and always would be.

How is she Edward? Is she okay? Jasper tried again to deflect my anger, flooding me with his disgrace, his self-hatred for his weakness. This time the distraction didn't work, acting instead like gasoline on a wild fire, turning everything in my vision a fiery red.

"You nearly killed her. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?" I yelled, shaking him violently. My heart easily mirrored Jasper's shame, adding to it all the agony, the fear, the torture I'd felt every time I'd seen Bella near death. Under a car in Forks… lying on a ballet studio floor… and just minutes ago with Jasper salivating over her. All my frustration at the impossible situation I was in – being so strong, but unable to protect the one thing that mattered most to me… desiring to love her, but dying to kill her… fighting every day against the future that both Bella and Alice constantly pummeled me with… everything poured out of me.

The force of my emotion stunned Jasper, and he stared at me with wide, golden eyes as I slammed him against a boulder, embedding him in its smooth face. "IT'S NOT FAIR!" I roared, pressing his shoulders even deeper into the stone.

His arms dropped from mine. I'm sorry, Edward, for everything. I understand, I really do. His mind filled with memories from long ago, when his friend, his mother of sorts, Maria, tracked him down.

I tried to ignore his latest attempt to escape my wrath, but he grabbed my shirt, pulling my face close to his as he continued the memory. She'd enticed him into killing a human in an attempt to draw him back to her, and away from us. At one point she threatened to kill Alice, and I felt his fear and frustration at having put his mate's life in danger because of who he was. "I almost lost her," he said hoarsely, and his fear was added to mine.

"Edward, let him go," Esme commanded, but I ignored her.

"It's not the same, and you know it. I didn't try to kill Alice. She is safe from your brothers. You can't understand."

Jasper became defiant, pushing against my chest. "And you can't know what I feel. You may hear the others' thirst, read how they suffer – but I experience it. My throat burns just as hot as yours does when you are with her, hotter when you add my own thirst. Now add five other vampires to the room and it's too much to bear. It's like going through the change again, Edward – surely you remember that."

"If you knew, then you shouldn't have been there in the first place," I said through my teeth.

"That was my fault, not his," a small voice said behind me. "Let him go." Alice's soft tone only strengthened her command. I should have seen this coming. If I had, things would've been different.

I stared down Jasper for another five seconds before I moved "Don't run again," I warned, leaving him to extricate himself from the granite.

"He won't," Alice said firmly.

"And you can see that?" I sneered as I passed.

She didn't look up at me. I'm sorry. Carlisle should be nearly finished.

My anger was slowly waning, replaced by Bella's unrelenting pull. I needed to get back to her. But was it to protect her, or…

Without another word, I walked toward the house.

Rosalie snorted as I strode by. "Did beating up Jasper make you feel better?" she taunted.

"Rose," Emmett warned, correctly sensing my tenuous hold on my temper. He slid his arm around his wife protectively, but I ignored her.

"You can blame this on Jasper if you want – but it's really your fault," she continued. I kept walking, trying to shut out her annoying voice. "You brought her here, forcing us to play your little human game. Now you know – it'll never work."

I spun on my heel and Emmett materialized in front of me. "Edward, turn around and keep walking," he warned. "Bella needs you."

Go tend your pet, Rosalie added, pulling Emmett toward the others.

What a bitch, I thought, but knew better than to say it aloud. Very few people could draw foul language out of me like Rosalie could, and that word in particular offended Emmett immensely. Before I could stalk toward her, Esme took my arm.

"May I walk back with you?" She smiled, but couldn't hide that she was really trying to keep me from attacking another one of my siblings. "I need to clean up the living room." She encouraged me toward the house with a wave, waiting for me to lead.

I nodded, giving Rosalie one more warning glare before walking away. Her words were more than irritating, they stung with truth. My anger turned inward, where it belonged.

Esme didn't speak, concentrating very hard on a new restoration project she was considering, but I didn't listen for long.

The image of Bella's blood screaming up from the white floor snapped me back to reality. She was hurting, and I hadn't been strong enough to just sit with her while she suffered. I couldn't even comfort her with my words… One breath of the blood-laced air and I would have been at her throat, of this I had no doubt.

One question floated above my self-loathing. Why? Why had I lost control of the beast within me? My eyes didn't see the trees as I searched for my answer.

Painfully I recalled the similarly grisly scene in Arizona. The thirst had been intense then, but I'd been in control, my thoughts consumed with saving Bella. Only when her blood actually crossed my lips did I lose myself… but she pulled me back. I shivered, remembering the ecstasy of her flavor, and Esme squeezed my arm.

She's going to be fine, she thought, only guessing at my thoughts. There was no point in correcting her.

I'd had time to prepare for that scene, I realized. For hours before arriving I'd visualized how James would attack Bella, how he would torture her. When I found out that he'd managed to lure her right to him, my thirst had changed to a ferocious drive to save her. Even when I'd put my lips on her soft skin and tried to drain her of life, I was still her protector; her weak voice the one thing that kept predator from consuming me… and her.

This time there'd been no warning, no time to prepare. The guardian in me was strong enough as long as there was a threat, but once Bella was safe from others, I became the threat. I would always be a danger to her, no matter how controlled I thought I was.

I had to find a way to prevent this from ever happening again. Somehow I would have to find the strength to do what was right… the strength to free Bella of this world I'd brought down around her like a steel cage. I'd wrought that cage with my own hands, forged it out of my own selfish desires. Only I could remove it. Only I could take it away from her forever.

My attention turned to Bella's current state as we approached the house. I stopped at the edge of the trees, reeling from the fog of her scent filling Carlisle's mind. "That ought to do it…" he said, and I exhaled, realizing I'd involuntarily held my breath against the idea of her smell.

"It won't take me long to clean up," Esme said.

"No, I should…" Bella was my responsibility.

She stopped me with another squeeze of my arm. "I can do it, dear. You've been so strong already, let me do this for you." She didn't wait for my answer, and started across the lawn.

I tried to make myself follow, to stop her, tell her that she was so wrong… but I couldn't. Already the fire in my throat was painting abominable images of how I would find Bella, touch her, kiss her, taste her… I had to regain control before I could see her. But what then? Drive her to the brink of death again?

The false logic I'd been selling myself, that I was some kind of twisted guardian angel, could no longer fool me. I wasn't strong enough to protect her from harm with my presence, that was clear. But did I have the strength to take the danger, take myself away?

Esme paused at the glass doors, taking one last deep breath of fresh air. I'm fine, she thought, telling herself as much as me when she entered the house. Even my mother was a danger. This had to end.

My attention turned to Carlisle's thoughts and to the sound of Bella's voice as I struggled with myself.

"The rest of them don't feel the same?" The sound of her words calmed me instantly. She truly was alright.

Carlisle stepped to the sink, considering his answer. "Edward's with me up to a point. God and heaven exist … and so does hell. But he doesn't believe there is an afterlife for our kind." How many times have I tried to convince him otherwise? "You see, he thinks we've lost our souls."

Of course we have. But this was a very old argument. What had drawn Bella into it?

"I look at my …son. His strength, his goodness, the brightness that shines out of him—and it only fuels that hope, that faith, more than ever." How distorted his vision was… he struggled so hard to find some semblance of goodness in me where there was none. "How could there not be more for one such as Edward?"

Bella's head bobbed emphatically, and I pinched the bridge of my nose. He was glamorizing me, feeding her fantastic image of us, of me.

"But if I believed as he does…" His eyes moved to hers. You are so lovely, so fragile, so trusting. He loves you so much… and he adjusted his thought. "If you believed as he did. Could you take away his soul?"

In the shadows I froze, stunned. My father's logic, unlike mine, was perfect. Even Bella wouldn't be able to find a flaw in his argument. I looked through Carlisle's eyes, my curiosity getting the best of me. What unexpected answer would she come up for this question?

I saw Bella's mouth open, then close, as she tried to respond. Carlisle had succinctly conveyed everything I'd been trying to say to her since she started her campaign to become a vampire. He was so much more than I could ever be.

Stymied, her face wrinkled with frustration, and I barely kept myself from smiling. Reading Bella's expressions, trying to decipher her thoughts were things I couldn't afford to do any longer.

"You see the problem," Carlisle said. There wasn't an ounce of satisfaction in his voice, only patience. And she loves Edward, more deeply than he knows.

Bella didn't give up, shaking her head forcefully. "It's my choice."

"It's his, too, whether he is responsible for doing that to you." Carlisle's mind drifted to each of his children, lingering on me for a moment before fixing on Rosalie. There weren't words to describe his regret for bringing her into this life.

"He's not the only one able to do it." She looked expectantly at my father, and I nearly choked, trying to stifle my laugh. Rosalie was to be the last human that Carlisle changed; she'd despised this life from the first second she'd awoken to it. When she'd brought a dying Emmett home, she literally had to beg Carlisle to infect him, cruelly appealing to his guilt over her suffering in order to get what she wanted of him. He would never succumb to Bella's juvenile pleas.

Carlisle did chuckle. "Oh, no! You're going to have to work this out with him." His mind wandered again, returning to the regret, but also remembering Emmett's joyful face when he awoke in Rosalie's arms. My father had felt some redemption, seeing the two of them so happy together, but the doubt always lingered. "That's the one part I can never be sure of. I think, in most other ways, that I've done the best I could with what I had to work with. But was it right to doom the others to this life? I can't decide. It was Edward's mother who made up my mind." For the second time today I was reminded of my human mother.

I walked toward the house, knowing that Esme had finished with the first stage of cleaning and listening to Carlisle recount the story of my change. Though I'd seen my mother in his memory many times, I caught my breath at the sight of her in his mind. My memory of her was a blurry mixture of alabaster, auburn and green. What I remembered most was the sound of her voice, singing to me as I fought the fever.

Carlisle's memory was perfect, every detail of her face clearly defined. In many ways, looking at my mother was like looking in a mirror. The top half of her face, her eyes, brows, and hair were identical to mine. The difference was the color of her eyes, of course; the green of her eyes was brilliant, full of life, even as she lingered near death. They were so human.

The rest of her soft countenance was not mine; Carlisle's brief encounter with my unconscious father verified that the shape of the lesser features of my face mimicked my namesake's. My memories of him were even more vague, wisps of a past that was burned away in my conversion, my descent…

Bella was hypnotized by the tale, her face reacting with shock, concern, and compassion as he spoke. Sadly, I realized she displayed the same expressions when watching the movie this afternoon. Carlisle spun her a fantastic tale of tragic loss and miraculous resurrection, not the truthful, dark facts of the misguided judgment of a loving but delusional mother and the denial of peace by a well meaning friend. Bella saw my transition as a release from pain, from death, not as a condemnation to eternal darkness.

I blamed neither Carlisle nor my mother for condemning me to this existence; it was fate who had the cruel sense of humor.

"After all those years of indecision, I simply acted on a whim," Carlisle said wryly, verifying my assertion that I was always destined for this… life. But not her, not Bella. I wouldn't repeat the errors in judgment… her fate could not, would not, be mine. There was only one way to prevent it, I knew that now.

As Carlisle described what he'd done to me, his heart ached. I'd long since forgiven him for the injuries he inflicted, thinking they were necessary for the transformation, but he still wished he'd known that they were unnecessary. The extra pain he thought I felt was nothing compared to what I would be facing soon. As I slipped into the house, the echo of that agony flashed through me as I was bombarded Bella's sweet fragrance. The bleach Esme used couldn't hide that from me.

"I wasn't sorry, though. I've never been sorry that I saved Edward," Carlisle said, unaware of my presence. He shook his head. Especially not now. He regarded Bella's warm face, noting her drooping eyes. She needs sleep. "I suppose I should take you home now."

"I'll do that," I said evenly. Bella didn't need to hear more fairytales on the way home. This world wasn't for her, and somehow I had to separate her from it… separate her from me. It was the right thing to do.

She looked at me, trying to read my face the way I'd read hers so many times before, but I wiped my expression clean of any emotion. I couldn't allow her to see my struggle, how my love for her battled against the murderous monster. I couldn't let her see that love could only win by losing… by losing her.

This would be the last time she could be here, surrounded by so much peril. Taking her from here would be the easy part. Removing myself from her life would be the impossible task. But I had no choice, now.

"Carlisle can take me," Bella said, staring into my eyes. Seeing nothing, her face fell and her gaze drifted down to her blouse, which was a shredded mess of blood and frosting. Another graphic reminder of what a fiasco her birthday had become.

"I'm fine," I said, seeing the distress in her face. I had to get more control over myself to keep her from worrying about me. "You'll need to change anyway. You'd give Charlie a heart attack the way you look. I'll have Alice get you something."

I left before she could start another argument. The less we spoke, the better. I hadn't run far when I heard Alice's mind.

I'm on my way back. Esme has the perfect shirt, Alice thought, then looked ahead in time for my benefit. I drove Bella home, and parked in front of her house. When Alice tried to look beyond that moment, there was nothing. My resolve was wavering, and she knew it.

"What are you trying to decide?" she asked, coming to a stop next to me. Again the future swirled in her mind, but it was a dark fog. Though she couldn't talk me out of wanting to leave, the vagueness meant that my will wasn't strong enough yet to follow through with what had to happen.

"Edward, you are meant to be with her," she guessed.

I responded by breaking into a run, trying to distance myself from the hope woven in Alice's words. Fate was much too cruel to allow such a future for me.

Bella's voice cut through the night. "Esme, let me do that."

Esme noted Bella's blush with a swallow. "I'm already done. How do you feel?"

"I'm fine" Bella said automatically. Unfortunately she's had to use that phrase too many times in my presence. "Carlisle sews faster than any other doctor I've had." They both laughed lightly, oblivious to the source of the humor – Bella's injury.

We stepped in, and Alice took over. "C'mon, I'll get you something less macabre to wear," she said, leading Bella upstairs.

We all knew that Bella was going to question Alice, and though Carlisle wanted to hear the answers as much as she did, he chose to distract me.

"Are you all right, Edward?" he asked. Both he and Esme were trying to read my face, and for once being made of living stone was a good thing.

"No," I answered truthfully.

Esme thought about hugging me, but when I turned my frozen gaze on her she changed her mind.

"How's Jasper?" Carlisle asked.

"How's Jasper?" Bella echoed upstairs.

Typical, putting herself last, again. "He's fine," I said, mimicking Bella's mantra.

He frowned. "This wasn't your fault. A mistake was made…"

"Don't bother, Carlisle," I said, cutting him off. "Words are not sufficient to remedy this situation." No, something had to be done. And I had to do it. I ignored Carlisle's worry.

Bella continued her unselfishness, forgiving Jasper for his nature. "It's not his fault. You'll tell him that I'm not mad at him, not at all, won't you?"

"Of course." Alice was right, as was Rosalie. Bella wouldn't have been here but for my insistence.

Carlisle continued to mull over my stolid behavior as he righted the table, but said nothing more.

Esme finished cleaning up and placed the unopened presents back on the table, wondering if Bella could still enjoy them.

Finally Bella emerged, and I stood by the front door, wanting her to hurry, yet wanting time to stop. I couldn't bear for her to be in danger, but couldn't imagine living without her.

"Take your things!" Alice cried as Bella turned to leave. "You can thank me later, when you've opened them." Will she ever find out what's inside? she thought with a grumble. Her vision had yet to clear.

Esme and Carlisle said goodnight. Everyone was watching me as I waved Bella to the door, but I refused to acknowledge them.

What are you trying to decide, Edward? Alice thought as I turned away. Her inability to see my future only added to my worries… it could only mean that I wasn't strong enough yet to follow through on my intentions. In how many more ways would Bella pay for my weakness?

Bella nearly ran out of the house – maybe the horror what had happened was finally sinking in. No, of course not, but I refused to dwell on her unnatural reactions.

Silently I opened her door and she climbed into the truck. As we pulled away from the house, I centered my thoughts on the task at hand. Taking her home – and leaving her there. Alone.

End Note:

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