Title: Burn
Summary: There was nothing left to remember. --For Kuraieshi--

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or anything associated with it.

Author’s Notes: I hope you enjoy fail, Katja. Happy early birthday. Inspired by the song ‘Sick Cycle Carousel’ by Lifehouse.

“Can you love me?” A voice whispered.

“No,” Another voice faded in. “But I can try.”

He couldn’t guarantee any promises. He wouldn’t have wanted to anyway, because in the end it would all lead to disappointment.

But promises were meant to be broken.

They meant nothing to Nobodies.

No false hope.
No distractions.
No real feelings.

In the Nobody world, there could never be any sort of unison. No uses of ‘our, us, we, they, etc,’ only ‘me, mine, I, etc.’ They were all individual minds, whether consumed by greed or desire for the same goal. Distractions lead to dead ends. Dead ends lead to destruction. However, perseverance lead to salvation.

Heaven didn’t exist.
Hell was rejecting.

All Axel could do at this point was kiss Roxas with the love he wished he could have and hope that Roxas could understand.

He didn’t.

-

It was too late by now.

All the small amount of hope had diminished along with his best friend, whom he had dared to address with ‘us’.

Axel lifted his hand up to the hollow place in his chest to feel nothing. Nothing to tell him he was alive or existing. It won’t happen. It couldn’t happen.

Somehow the hole in his chest got a bit emptier.

Memories flooded through his mind like water. His dam of will had broken down, and he let it. He didn’t care anymore. He couldn’t feel the pain anyway. And they were all he had to remember Roxas.

-

There were so many things he could say.

There were so many things he wanted him to hear.

But right now, at this moment, he couldn’t get the words out. He couldn’t find his voice. Nothing formed at his mouth and he just found a bitter taste in it.

Time went on without Axel. Each moment slowly ticked by, and his sanity went along with it. He held back the urge to scream, curse out, shake his beloved blond, and break down. No, Axel was not like that at all.

However, his claims had no effect on Roxas.

He didn’t remember.
He couldn’t try.
It was hopeless.

There was nothing left.

There was no one else to blame. No one but himself.

Himself.
Axel.
Number VIII.
The Flurry of Dancing Flames.
Ex-best friend/lover to Roxas.

He could only run. So he did.

-

8 plus 13 equals 21

Simple math, right?

Twenty-one was the winning number for blackjack, but Axel hasn’t won anything. He’s only lost. The losing streak was so huge and too large to count. Not that Axel was going to try to win, that would be futile. He had nothing more to bet and no energy to do so. Nothing can happen without enthusiasm.

He gave his up a long, long time ago.

There was no more reason to go on pretending.

Was it really worth it? To go on as if nothing ever happened. To act as though he had never met Roxas. Was it even possible?

No.
Not for him.

Nobody wondered. Nobody paid attention. It was an all for one. Axel had made a huge mistake and he was making up for it. Caring would be too much to ask for. Boy, he got himself in some deep shit this time.

-

Axel watched with softened eyes the flames that danced around him, but they were not the ones he had learned to love and tame. Not the red ones he could summon up on command and fight with the passion of adrenaline. With this fire, he was not familiar with it. He didn’t know what it was and where it came from. He couldn’t break it and make it bend to his will.

It was too strong.
Too wild.
Too free.

And it was blue. Why were they there? What did they want?

A small part of the fire had gone onto his gloved palm, and he waved it away until he thought it disappeared. It wouldn’t go.

Blue flames burned the hottest.

With strength came no control. The fire could rage on and on while you were just helplessly watching it destroy everything you had once loved and cherished. But with Axel, he at least understood his own yellow, orange, and red flames to some extent. These he couldn’t decipher at all.

-

“Eliminate Number XIII.” The Superior’s voice called out to Axel.

Axel’s emerald eyes widened slightly in shock and his throat constricted. He couldn’t find any words to say and remained silent. Nothing of objection, but nothing of agreement either. The only thing he heard was the haunting words of his Superior that echoed in his mind.

Eliminate Number XIII.
Eliminate Number XIII.
Eliminate. Number. XIII.

ELIMINATE.

To eliminate was to kill, eradicate, or get rid of. And Number XIII meant Roxas. It clicked in Axel’s head. Kill Roxas. How could Xemnas even ask him to do such a thing? Was he that ignorant that he didn’t notice the different attitude from him since Roxas had gone away? Or was it just because he wanted to see Axel suffer? That was probably it. Xemnas never cared about anyone’s perspectives and did whatever it took to get closer to finding a heart.

He agreed to the order.

It was not from a sense of duty – honestly, it was more about Roxas. Everything was centered on Roxas. If he had a choice, he would’ve made Roxas stay with him for the rest of eternity and never turn back. With Roxas, he didn’t need to think or be cautious. He could have gone on without a worry if he was there. But he was not.

Aw, fuck it.

-

His memory drew a blank.

He literally saw nothing. No pictures, no voices, nothing to visualize events. It was getting sickening, repeating this cycle over and over again only to end in frustration. Only static came over his vision and his head started to hurt from all the thinking he had tried to do.

A scream of anger ripped from his throat while the rest of his growls rested low. He tugged a little at his hair. A shock of pain crossed over his mind, intensifying the feelings he felt right now by tenfold.

This was so not worth it. Trying to remember someone who could very well be an imposter. Now that was quite an absurd idea for someone as sensible as Roxas. It was getting utterly ridiculous and the blond didn’t even know why the hell he was putting so much effort into this. Maybe it was the premonitions he had gotten from Axel when he saw him begging, when he saw the hurt flash through such familiar emerald eyes.

Teeth clenched in an attempt to relieve the pain somehow. It didn’t work.

He could only feel the things from his memories. He could not see. He could not hear. He was blissfully blind to everything that had involved Axel.

Damn it.

-

Maybe agreeing to the mission wasn’t such a great idea after all.

The situation was quite awkward at this point. Nobody spoke up to break the thick silence that had fallen. There was nothing that could be said to fix the deep crack that had broken into their previous relationship. If there was no memory behind it, why even try? It was merely impossible. No way to mend what cannot be put back together.

However, Axel is quite the impossible Nobody himself. Count on him to try something nobody else would do. Depend on him to do something that was completely out of the boundaries that had been set up. It was against all odds, but the determination coursed through his veins like a poison that spread rapidly. It was an extremely small chance, but a chance nonetheless. It was all he had. It was all he could take.

Being an opportunist, he did.

Because it was about him. About Roxas. There was no way that could be changed. That was the thing that made all the difference. The one thing that was worthy of all this trouble and effort. Perhaps in a sense, it was the only thing that kept Axel going. A very small hope that Roxas would return back to the way he was and make things normal again. He only wanted the blond to be the happiest he could ever be.

So why did it hurt so much to watch him smile?

Maybe it was because Axel considered the possibility that everything would be better if he let Roxas be. Logically, everything would be better if he would let go of the reality he was trapped in and move on.

This was where his possessive, jealous, wild, angry side came in. The one dark demon that tore at him day and night without Roxas’s securing presence. It put him on the edge. Uneasiness, nervousness, authority, and savageness soared through his senses without any control. This was not how he expected his ‘feelings’ to come out. The worst part was he had nothing to restrain him from acting them out. Roxas had been his sanity, and that had snapped in half when he suddenly decided to leave.

That little conniving son of a bitch.

He couldn’t help but hate. He had been picked over and lost to a bunch of computer holograms, and Axel absolutely hated losing. His flames grew even stronger at an alarming rate as his feelings elevated into new heights. The orange, red, and yellow hues slowly dissolved into blue and white ones. Chakrams spun in a flurry and he attacked with the rage he had, completely determined to bring Roxas back no matter what.

This was taken an awful toll on Axel’s pride, which happened to be huge. He doesn’t do this for just anybody, and the person he was doing it for was acting pretty ungrateful at the moment. He did not take the time to take Roxas’s circumstances into thought because he was too fueled by the war going on inside of him. He was quite irrational; there was no more time for thinking.

Seeing Roxas had made Axel become asphyxiated. His breath was stolen away, but even then he felt no need to show mercy. He deserved it. His efforts proved futile when Roxas had not hesitated to push him away with the force of his keyblades. Axel groaned and threw his head back, his body flying through the air. His legs quickly acted and he landed gracefully with a dull pain.

He tried to take in oxygen as he struggled to stand up with good posture, and he slumped back down. This was useless, and he knew it but didn’t acknowledge the fact. The hope inside of him faded away as his eyes closed in intense thought, and piercing emeralds reopened to see the light again. Blue flames grew smaller, but did not disappear. He just wanted to scream right now, as loud as he could, not caring if anybody heard him.

There was no more pressure. He dissolved into the darkness of his ‘heart’ and left his beloved behind to ponder over the situation.

-

He watched with dull eyes.

Everything was getting consumed in front of him, yet he didn’t care. He had already died. Axel didn’t bother to try. It wasn’t worth it, was it? He sat down and watched blue take over his vision. It was getting hot, extremely high in temperature, and Axel’s skin broke into a tiny sweat. The fire was getting close.

A sigh escaped his lips and he ran a hand through his hair as though nothing was happening and he was just sitting there thinking. He thought long and hard as the fire grew stronger and stronger at an alarming rate.

It was time.

He closed his eyes.