Storm Shadow

Truly I tell you, there are no endings. There is really only one story, and the author chooses when it begins and ends. And so while I could end this story now, when the wedding ended, it wouldn't really be fair to the readers. It would feel too short, and this story is already plenty short.

I could end it when Siobhan and I finally realized our mutual feelings for each other and got together, except that this never happened. I suppose Freud could explain it completely – I'm sure my mother had something to do with it – but I am neither psychologist nor philosopher, and I don't know why it didn't work out like that.

I could end it when, sitting on the plane back to Japan, I decided to turn over a new leaf and devote myself to bettering the world – seriously, did I get you there? I hope not, sucker. Use your head.

Or, I could end it where I finally decided to end it – at the Atlanta airport.

Having said good-bye to Siobhan, Scarlett and I waited in the terminal for our flights. "So, have you proposed to my sister yet?" Scarlett asked.

"No. I'm not a marrying man, Scarlett," I said. "I said farewell to her very cordially, she was equally cordial, and I told her to tell Will to ask Mr. Hauser across the street about-"

"Duke lives across the street from her?" Scarlett asked.

"I think so…how many Hausers do you know?" I asked. "Besides, Will figured out it was Duke, so I think it's entirely possible."

"He said that he lived in Alaska, and that the nearest airport was 300 miles away," Scarlett said. "He also said that he was snowed in."

"In July?"

"I've never been to Alaska. Besides, I've seen freak snowstorms in North Dakota in April, so I supposed it was possible," Scarlett said. "I think that up there it would be even worse."

I shrugged. "I guess we'll never know, will we?"

"Excuse me, is this seat taken?" asked a masculine voice to my right.

"Yeah, Snake Eyes is sitting there," I said. "Sorry."

"Snake Eyes?"

"Look, I'm not his mother, I didn't name him," I said. "That said, he is kind of a freak."

"Yeah, he is," the voice agreed.

"You know him?" I asked, looking over at my friend in the suspiciously face-concealing bowler hat.

"A little," the guy admitted, leaning against the hard, hair-pulling brick wall.

"Where?"

"I'm afraid I can't say," the man said.

"Really," I said.

"Not in public," the man said.

"Guessing from your attitude and the hat, I'm guessing you're Destro," I said.

"Does this look shiny to you?" the man asked, ripping off his hat and pointing to a thatch of blonde hair that resembled the forgotten love child of a shag carpet and Big Bird.

"Nice one, Duke," I said. "Still snowed in?"

"Well, I'll bet you still hate Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow!"

"You Jedi mind games have no effect upon me, young Skywalker," I said, smiling. "Now, why don't you apologize to Scarlett for lying about living in Alaska? Before she kills you, that is. Let me tell you from personal experience that she doesn't like liars-"

"I'm not going to kill him," Scarlett said quietly. "I just want to know why."

Why did this require explanation? Duke felt awkward either because he liked Scarlett or because he liked Snake Eyes. That is one of the few acceptable excuses for not attending weddings, at least in my mind. And I was fairly sure it wasn't a problem with Snake Eyes, so that leaves only one possible explanation…

"Because Storm Shadow drives me crazy," Duke said. "I really didn't want his strangling to be the highlight of your wedding-"

That dirty, dirty liar had just told Scarlett a filthy, filthy lie…

"I know he drives everyone up the wall, but we could have drugged him or something," Scarlett said.

"I wasn't willing to lie to my doctor for narcotics," Duke said.

"I have some Xanax left over from when I couldn't sleep way back when," Scarlett said.

"That works…just make sure it isn't too old, or else it does weird things to you," Duke said.

"Guys, the wedding is over," I said. "And that's a lame excuse-"

"No, you're annoying enough that it makes sense," Scarlett said. "I'm sorry Duke, I could have poisoned him if I'd known-"

"Wouldn't Snake Eyes be angry with you?" Duke asked.

"I could just blame it on the mob," Scarlett said.

"Are going to kill me?" I asked. They didn't respond.

"Thank you for being so candid, Duke," Scarlett said, smiling gently.

"You're welcome," Duke said. "Now, where's Snake Eyes?"

"I'll go find him," I volunteered. I couldn't take any more of the tension. Believe me, I know when I'm the third wheel…it happens a lot.

Snake Eyes didn't believe me when I told him that Duke was probably helping Scarlett stage another runaway bride thing. Don't be a dummy, Thomas. Duke lives in Alaska.

Yes, Snakes, he lives in Alaska like I wear high heels on a regular basis.

Duke was gone by the time I got back. Scarlett was still there. As they boarded their plane, I reminded them not to step on any minefields in Granada. Scarlett scowled at me. "You don't know that we're going to Granada. We never told you where we were going."

"Ah, but I'm omnipotent. Don't fight the power," I said. Scarlett rolled her insanely green eyes, and she and Snake Eyes disappeared into the terminal.

And so they began married life.

Does this establish why I'm not a marrying man?