The Day The TSAB Went Mad

“I will possess your heart. Bitch.”

-Quote from my best friend Alice

“Hey, Fate-chan?”

“Yes?”

“Do you love me?”

“…Mm? What brought this on?”

“Just answer the question.”

“Well, yeah.”

“Are you in love with me?”

“…Eh? …Eh?! Wh-wh- I- was- am…ish?”

“You were Amish…?”

“No!”

“…then?”

“I…ah…erk…”

“…yeeeeees?”

“…Nanoha…I love you…but not in that way.”

“Nya ha ha…”

“…why are you staring at me like that? Should I be worried?”

“Nngheheheh…”

“…Okay, you’re starting to scare me. What is it, really?”

“Oh, nothing. I’ll see you later, Fate-chan.”

“O-okay…”

“Oh, one more thing.”

“Mm? What is it?”

“I will possess your heart.”

XxX

The day after Takamachi Nanoha had officially lost her marbles, Fate Testarossa was reading quietly by herself. That is, until one by the name of Yagami Hayate stumbled into the room shouting:

“Fate-chan, Vita won’t let me take her measurements!”

Fate looked up to see Vita, her cheeks red from embarrassment and anger, enter the room with her hands clenched into fists. The ever quiet Signum followed straight afterwards, leading a smirking Shamal by the hand. They all stared at her expectantly. She twitched nervously.

“Erm…you want me to do something about it?” She asked, her voice calm as she internally waged a battle between staying there or possibly escaping out the window.

Hayate and Shamal nodded in unison. Signum sighed and rolled her eyes.

“They want to make another outfit for her.” The stoic woman stated flatly.

“I refuse!” Vita shouted, stomping her foot, “I will not stand by and have myself act as a plaything for these two…these two…vixen! I’m putting my foot down!”

And so she did.

Hayate and Shamal stared at Vita. They then proceeded to burst out into laughter.

“Oh, that’s rich…” They laughed some more. Then they stopped and turned to Fate. “So, Fate-chan…Fate-chan? Where’d she go?”

Little did they know that smart Fate-chan had indeed jumped out the window and made her escape.

She decided to go home, to curl up in bed and stay there as she should have done in the first place. The first thing she found was a darkened room. She raised an eyebrow and peered into the darkness. She was suddenly glomped from behind.

“Fate-chan!”

The very warm, very Nanoha-like body curled around her like a blanket. Fate blushed horribly.

“Nanoha! What are you doing?”

“I already told you. I’m taking your heart into my custody.”

“…Eh?!”

“I will possess your heart. Bitch.”

“…EH?!”

“Yeah, the bitch thing was Hayate’s idea. She said that you should add the word bitch to the end of every sentence to assert your authority. So I decided to follow her advice and insert this word at the end of every sentence in order to assert my authority over you. Bitch.”

“Has the world gone mad?!”

Fate wrenched herself from Nanoha’s grasp and tossed herself out the window. Again.

XxX

Yuuno Scrya had been having a very nice day. He had woken up on his day off, gone to buy some groceries because he was running out of supplies, and had then been barreled over by a car.

Well, not a car.

The correct term would be an overexcited, overly paranoid blonde with long, silky hair, and burgundy eyes which were wide with the normal paranoia and overexcitement that came with having been sexually harassed by one’s best friend.

“Yuuuuno-kuuuuuun!” She cried, grabbing him by the scruff of his shirt. “Nanoha’s gone maaaaad!” She paused contemplatively, “And so has Hayate, now that I think about it. But that was to be expected.” She remembered her original despair and proceeded to shake him back and forth. “I need help!”

“Calm- shake- down- shake- Fate!”

Fate stopped shaking him. He stared at her.

“What happened?”

“Well, at first I didn’t take her seriously but then she started to flirt with me, sliding up to me and going ‘Hey Fate-chan…I want to find the pot of gold at the end of your rainbow…’ and I was scared! No, I was terrified! I went to work but then Hayate and Shamal interrupted my work because they wanted to take Vita’s measurements! I luckily escaped out the window, but they could be tracking me down any minute now and I don’t want to die! I ran back home but Nanoha was there and she...”

Fate trailed off, her eye twitching. Yuuno twitched too.

“I could have caught that on taaaaaape!” He cried, falling to his knees dramatically. “I could have made millions! Do you have any idea how much people would pay to watch a video of you two getting it on?!”

Insert twitch here.

“THE WORLD HAS GONE MAD!”

Fate ran off in search of people who were mentally stable.

XxX

“Subaru! Teana!”

The young Ace barreled into her subordinates’ room. She found them crouched in front of the computer. They were both staring at the screen intently.

“Subaru? Teana? What are you doing?”

“Reading fanfiction.” Subaru answered, her eyes fixed on the screen.

Fate was confused. Fanfiction? What was this Fanfiction of which they spoke of? Her curiosity got the best of her. She looked over Teana’s shoulder.

“Shizuru…!”

“Natsuki! Faster!”

“Fate-chan…please…use it already!”

“But I don’t want to use that thing…I wanna do it the old-fashioned way…Just me, my fingers, and…”

“...AAAAAAH!”

Fate ran out of the room.

Subaru turned to Teana. They raised eyebrows at each other.

“Why’d Testarossa-san leave? I mean, I know Mario Kart can get intense, but...”

XxX

Fate ran around the corner and slammed into Erio and Caro.

“Oh, shnap! I’m so sorry…” She apologized, helping them up.

Erio grinned at her while Caro shot her a smile.

“It’s okay. Why are you in such a hurry, though?”

Fate twitched.

“I’m being chased by animals. Animals, I tell you.”

“Oh…” Caro blinked as though remembering something. “Yagami-san and Takamachi-san were looking for you. They told me to tell you that they wanted to tell you something that you already know but they want to tell you again just for the fun of it.”

“Uhm. Right. I’ll be going now. Thank you. I’ll see you at training tomorrow.”

“Sure."

Fate left.

Erio grinned at Caro.

“Let’s go finish reading Yagami-san’s magazines.”

“Oooh, the ones with the weird positions?”

“Yeah, those!”

“Okay!”

XxX

Takamachi Nanoha was hunting one Fate Testarossa. She smirked. The blonde would be hers by the end of the day.

She snuck up behind the very frightened blonde, who was hiding underneath her desk.

“Boo, bitch! Boo!”

She tossed herself at the blonde, laughing maniacally as Fate yelped and tried to scramble away from her.

“Is your heart mine yet? Bitch.”

Fate stared at her, her face red as she panted. Nanoha was making it very hard to breathe.

“Nanoha…I can’t breathe…” She gasped.

Nanoha smirked.

“Oh yeah. About time that happened. Bitch.”

“No…seriously…you’re sitting on my chest and I can’t breathe…!”

“Oh. Bitch.”

Nanoha slid back a few inches and watched as Fate rose up and took a deep breath, hitting herself on the head in the process.

“Ow…” She groaned while she rubbed the spot she had hurt.

Nanoha found the site adorable. She grinned at Fate and the blonde could not help but feel she was being undressed by her eyes. Her blush intensified.

“I love you Fate…”

The serious words took her aback.

“Eh?!”

Nanoha pouted.

“Is that all you can say? Bitch.”

Fate’s mouth twitched at the corners as she suppressed the urge to run.

“You couldn’t possibly be expecting more when we’re underneath my desk.” She muttered dryly, suddenly hyperaware of the fact that Nanoha’s face was way too close for comfort.

“And what a nice, spacious desk it is…with plenty of room for maneuvering…especially if you want to explore…places…”

Fate yelped.

“Nanoha! Get your hand out from underneath my skirt!”

Nanoha rolled her eyes but removed her hand.

“Fine, fine…kill joy…” She began to mutter mutinously.

“Could we please get out from underneath my desk?”

Nanoha shook her head and grabbed her by the collar of her shirt.

“If we’re not gonna go at it like rabbits, I’m at least getting a kiss.”

And thus was how Fate’s first kiss was stolen by a rather determined Nanoha.

XxX

No one remembered anything that happened the next day.

They just received the following explanation from an organization called BAST.

“For the past two days there has been scary behavior among all of you. You did things you will not be proud of. However, this was apparently NOT YOUR FAULT. Your behavior was due to the accidental release of a chemical into the atmosphere. We have found a cure. Sadly, you shall feel as though a truck has run over your head three times in a row. Have a good day.”

“Fate-chan…why are we naked and underneath your desk?”

“…I don’t know…” Her eyes were shifty and she hid a smirk. “I blame the chemicals.”

Nanoha raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah…okay…let’s blame the chemicals.”

All of a sudden, a shriek was heard.

“WHY AM I WEARING A LOLITA OUTFIT?!”

“GOD, VITA! KEEP IT DOWN! TEANA AND I ARE TRYING TO ACT THIS FANFIC OUT!”

“Does anyone know why I’m chained to a bedpost…?”

“My head hurts…and why am I carrying a whip?”

“These magazines…they’re making my eyes burn! Lolita outfits galore!”

Fate and Nanoha exchanged stares. They nodded at each other, disturbed. Some things were just better left alone. Like why Signum was tied to a bedpost and Shamal was carrying a whip.

A/N: You guys probably thought I had died. Honestly, Red R o s e s, the second chapter, is already finished. But...my beta is unfortunately very busy. I am too, so I'm not mad, but I am a bit dissapointed that I haven't been able to post it. I'm gonna look over the chapter myself a few times, and I won't let you wait that much longer. I hate the fact that I update something once a month. It sucks. DX ...At any rate, sorry this isn't what you were expecting. Actually, this thing is probably what my best friend refers to as:

"Cracktastic."

So, I shall leave you with this cracktastic fic with the happy news that I am FINALLY done with my senior year and shall be able to update a lot more frequently with all the spare writing time. Yay. It makes me really happy. Ha ha. Ahem. Anyway, uhm, yeah. I'll actually be starting college. I'll probably be busier than ever. But please...please don't give up on me. I WILL finish these fics. I WILL make you proud. This I state because I mean it with all my heart. I love this fandom, and the people in it. This goes to all of you, with special regards to Eagle and BPHaru.

You've both been with me from the start. Thank you.

:nudges readers towards review button:

Please? Pretty please with a cherry on top, as clichéd as that expression is? Even if it's only to tell me how horrendous and shocking it was to read this?