Chapter IV

September 15th 1996

I feel like I’m all alone.

I’m with him every day, but he doesn’t see me. I have a strange sympathy for the ghosts here, now. But at least they’re already dead, so they don’t have to suffer like I do.

I wonder what he would do if he knew I followed him. He wouldn’t understand, I’m sure. No one can understand.

I’ve noticed his little mudblood watches him just as much as I do. I can’t allow this to continue. She can’t take him away from me. He’s mine. I don’t care what it takes. I’ll kill her if I have to. I’d get branded with the Dark Mark if it meant she would be taken care of.

I wish he could see how willing I am to sell my own soul to have him. Anything he asks, I’ll do. It doesn’t matter. I don’t even care if he loves me; I just want him to be with me.

January 1997

Thursday

Draco was roused from sleep by the sound of someone whimpering. It was a desperate, pitiful sound, and not until he finally opened his eyes did he realise that it was coming from him.

He sat up quickly, taking in his surroundings in confusion. It was still dark outside, so he could barely see, but it was perfectly obvious that he wasn’t in his dorm room. The torch across the room was flickering erratically, looking as if it might go out at any moment. Draco was just about to panic when he became aware of a warm, familiar weight next to him on the bed. Relief washed over him in a calming wave, and he turned his attention to Ron.

Ron stared up at him in concern, his eyes still hazy from sleep. “Draco, what is it?”

“Nothing,” he breathed, settling back down on the bed.

Ron turned onto his side and pulled Draco close, wrapping his arms securely around Draco’s trembling body. Draco gravitated closer, moving to bury his face on Ron’s shoulder. He froze, however, when he saw the bruised, blood-crusted marks that still marred Ron’s skin.

“Oh God,” he groaned, looking away.

“Please talk to me,” Ron whispered, petting Draco’s hair comfortingly.

Draco covered his face with his hands, trying not to look at Ron at all. He couldn’t look at him, not right now. He could feel a smothering tension, almost like anger, building inside of him, threatening to explode at any moment. His whole body was shaking with the effort of holding it back, and having Ron so close to him was only making it worse.

“Don’t touch me,” Draco choked out, making a small effort to pull away.

“What?” The hurt in Ron’s voice was unbearable. His hands stilled, but he didn’t let go.

Draco bit down on his lower lip, still fighting for control, trying to decide what to do. He didn’t want to hurt Ron, that was the point of pushing him away, but that alone seemed to hurt Ron anyway. So what was more important: Ron’s happiness or his safety?

“I won’t hurt you,” Draco whispered, more for his own reassurance than Ron’s, “please stay with me.”

Ron’s hands began their soothing caresses again, instinctually pulling Draco closer as they did. He was scared for Draco, but he didn’t know what he could possibly do to help. Part of him wanted to suggest that Draco visit Madame Pomfrey, but he had a feeling that would only make Draco angry.

“Are you okay?” he tried, not really expecting to get an answer.

“Go to back to sleep, Ron,” Draco answered tightly.

Ron gently kissed the top of Draco’s head, then closed his eyes. He wanted to make Draco feel better, and to do that, he needed to do what Draco told him to. He wouldn’t ask any more questions, he would just sleep, for Draco’s sake.

Draco rested unmoving in Ron’s arms, listening to Ron’s breathing. It slowly evened out and his light, almost purr-like snores filled the room. Although those noises usually had a calming effect on Draco, tonight, they were horrifying. Each breath slowly broke through his defences, gnawing away at his control. He wanted to run all the way back to the dungeon, get in his own bed, and stay as far away from Ron as possible.

He stared up at the ceiling, concentrating on breathing. He could hurt Ron. It would be so easy. He could make Ron do anything he wanted: scream or cry, even moan with pleasure. It was all Draco’s decision. He was in complete control and the knowledge was overwhelming. He wondered how such power came to him. Surely Ron didn’t feel this way. Ron didn’t look at him like he wanted to break him. Ron looked at him with complete trust and love, nothing more.

He chanced a look at Ron. Lovely, lovely Ron. He looked so vulnerable, lying there sleeping. He even had the smallest of smiles on his face; a smile Draco knew was for him. Draco lightly ran his fingertips down the side of Ron’s face, careful not to wake him. He traced his fingers over Ron’s lips, then up his cheek again, studying every aspect of him. He looked at Ron’s light, almost invisible eyelashes that rested over freckled cheeks. Under that layer of freckles, his skin was almost as pale as Draco’s, but not quite. His cheeks were always flushed with life and happiness, whereas Draco was just deathly pale. Draco cringed at the thought of his own ugliness, and his hand drifted up to Ron’s forehead, lightly stroking the soft, thick, red hair that had fallen into his face.

Something twisted inside Draco suddenly, almost painfully. And then, all he wanted to do was destroy that peaceful look, watch Ron’s face shatter into all of its beautiful pieces.

His hand drifted down to Ron’s shoulder, then with sudden force, shoved Ron onto his back. In one quick movement, he forced Ron’s legs up and apart, then thrust violently into Ron’s body with the aid of the small amount of leftover lubricant. It was enough to get him in, but not nearly enough to ebb the pain. Ron cried out in agony, fisting the sheets. Draco pounded into him, spurred on by Ron’s cries. He needed that reaction; he needed to make Ron scream.

His hands moved up to Ron’s hair, forming tight fists, holding hard enough that he could feel strands of hair being pulled out.

Ron struggled against him, desperately trying to get his bearings. His mind was grasping for a million different explanations at once, and none of them made sense. He twisted and writhed, struggling to get away. Every muscle in his body seemed to have tensed up, and he couldn’t force himself to let go of the sheet and push away. He finally managed to focus his eyes on Draco, and even though tears obstructed his vision, he could see that Draco had that look again; the lust filled, possessive, angry look that Ron had seen too often lately.

Ron forced himself to try to relax, in a desperate attempt to ease the pain. It was just Draco, nothing to be afraid of. Ron was certain Draco wasn’t trying to hurt him on purpose; Ron had just been asleep, and therefore unprepared.

His cries had died down to loud, breathy moans, and he slowly released the sheets, wrapping his arms around Draco’s neck. Draco stared down at him, his expression changing to slightly confused, then to surprised recognition. He froze.

“Oh my God,” he whispered. He released his hold on Ron’s hair, ignoring the few strands that stuck to his fingers. He wiped his hands off on the sheet, and then delicately wiped the tears off Ron’s face with a shaking hand.

“It’s okay.” Ron said quietly, forcing a smile. His voice was slightly hoarse. “Keep moving. You just surprised me.”

Draco made another slow, tentative thrust, holding back the need to just slam into him again. “I didn’t even - oh God, this must be killing you.”

“No, no,” Ron responded reassuringly, “it’s fine. We just did this a few hours ago, I’m okay.”

“I can’t do this,” Draco whispered, pulling out. “I’m so sorry,”

“Why?” Ron asked, genuinely confused. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I should have expected it, really.”

“You were asleep,” Draco said flatly.

“But I love you. I love doing this with you. I was just a little startled for a moment, but now I’m fine. No harm done.”

Draco stared at him incredulously. “You’re so—“

“Lie down,” Ron interrupted, sitting up as he pushed Draco onto his back.

Ron rested his hand on Draco’s face and leaned down, kissing him gently. Draco still obviously wanted this, but once he had convinced himself that he was wrong, there was nothing Ron could do to change his mind. Unless he proved that he wanted it just as badly.

He slowly straddled Draco hips, surprised by how badly it hurt to move. Maybe Draco had been a little more violent than he had originally thought. He was careful not to show any pain outwardly as he positioned their bodies together.

Draco stared up at him in surprise. “Don’t. I can finish off by myself. Really.”

“Can’t you see I want this, too?” Ron asked. Without giving Draco time to respond, he slowly impaled himself.

Draco groaned and arched his hips up, trying to feel as much of Ron as possible. His hands grabbed for Ron’s hips, steadying him and helping him slowly rise up and down.

Ron forced his eyes closed; trying to hold back the tears that threatened to spill over. It hurt more than he had anticipated, but it was too late to stop and recast the necessary lubricating spells. He had to keep going. He had to keep Draco happy.

Fortunately, it didn’t take long for Draco to come, filling Ron with white hot pain. Ron couldn’t stop the pained cry that escaped him, and he hoped that somehow, Draco wouldn’t notice.

Draco none too gently pulled Ron down beside him and turned to face him, running his hands through Ron’s hair. “Oh God, Ron, I love you,”

“I love you,” Ron said quietly, his voice breaking. Draco was too far gone to notice.

“I wish I could keep you here. All the time.” Draco said quietly, his voice oddly distant and crazed. He caressed Ron’s arm gently, then slowly switched to scratching; light tickles getting harder and harder, to the point of being painful. “That way no one else can look at you. No one else can touch you. You’re mine, do you understand?”

“Oh my God, oh my God,” Ron murmured, rubbing his hand across his eyes to keep the tears from falling.

“Do you understand!?” Draco demanded louder, shaking Ron by the shoulders, his voice rising to the closest volume to yelling that Ron had ever heard.

“Yes, yes, I understand!” Ron cried, nodding fervently.

Draco let out a relieved sigh, loosening his hold on Ron’s shoulders. “You know I love you,” he whispered, wrapping his arms around Ron’s waist. He pulled him closer, pressing several gentle kisses on Ron’s lips. “I love you more than anything. No one else can have you.”

“I don’t want anyone else,” Ron answered honestly, wrapping his arms tightly around Draco.

“Don’t cry,” Draco said softly, his voice sounding slightly more normal now. He leaned forward, licking the tears away. “Oh God, you’re so beautiful. Don’t cry,”

Ron shivered involuntarily, trying to fully grasp what had just happened; trying to understand why the only one that could make him feel better was the one that hurt him.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Ron,” Draco rambled, his tone false and insincere. “I just had to make sure you understood. I’d die without you. I’d throw myself right off the Astronomy Tower.”

Ron tightened his hold, a quick flare of panic rising up in him. “Don’t say that,” he whispered, “I don’t care if you’re serious or joking, just please don’t.” He kissed Draco’s cheek tenderly, grazing his lips across Draco’s face. “I need you,”

Draco gently took Ron’s face in his hand, touching their lips together. “I would,” he murmured against Ron’s lips, “I’d go mad.”

“Shh,” Ron kissed him again, hoping to silence him.

Ron’s eyes squeezed shut, trying to block out the reality of what had just happened. He didn’t want to think about it. He just wanted to fall asleep and go on pretending that everything was just fine.

Fear wasn’t an option. Ron still felt perfectly comfortable in Draco’s arms. If he was scared at all, it was for Draco, not himself.

Bright sunlight streaming through the window woke Ron several hours later. Somewhere in the back of his mind he realised that it was wrong somehow, but he pushed the thought away. He snuggled closer to Draco, burying his face to block out the light.

Draco sighed and tightened his hold on Ron, too comfortable to move away from their shared warmth. Within minutes, they were both fast asleep again.

Ron’s eyes snapped open two hours later, finally becoming fully aware of what had been so out of place earlier. The sun shouldn’t have been up. They always left the classroom when it was still dark and grey outside.

“Oh shit, Draco, wake up,” he gasped, scrambling to sit up.

“What?” Draco grumbled, his voice still husky from sleep.

“We’re late, we’re really late,” Ron answered frantically, rubbing Draco’s shoulder to make sure he was awake.

“Time?”

Ron glanced at the clock on the wall. “10:10,”

“Oh shit. Shit!” Draco pushed himself up with surprising speed, and swung his legs over the side of the bed, reaching for his trousers. “What have we missed? Breakfast and..?”

“Charms,” Ron answered, scanning the floor for his clothes. “No wait, only half of that class. It’s a double today.”

He spotted his trousers up against the wall; apparently Draco had thrown them over there when he wasn’t paying attention. He had just stood up to go get them when a horrible, burning pain ripped through him. He groaned and doubled over, the memory of earlier that morning quickly returning.

“What’s wrong?” Draco asked, concerned, staggering over to Ron as he pulled up his trousers.

“I...” Ron paused, unsure of what to say. He didn’t want to remind Draco of what had happened, knowing it would probably upset him. Especially if he found out that Ron was still suffering from it. Unfortunately, his moment of hesitation gave Draco plenty of time to fill in the blanks.

“God, this is my fault, isn’t it?” He whispered, sinking down onto the side of the bed.

“No, of course not,” Ron answered soothingly, carefully manoeuvring himself to sit next to Draco.

“Don’t lie to me!” Draco hissed, his eyes glinting viciously.

“I’m not!” Ron lied, thinking quickly. “I did this to myself, remember? You didn’t want me to, but I did it anyway. I deserve this; I- I raped you.” Ron’s voice nearly broke as he finished, realising for the first time that it was quite the other way around. Not that he didn’t love Draco, not that he wouldn’t have wanted it if Draco had just asked, but it had been an unwelcome shock to wake up to. Ron cringed inwardly, hating himself for thinking such awful things. He should be grateful that Draco even wanted him at all.

Draco stared at him, a thousand different emotions flickering across his face. He finally settled with a cold, vacant expression.

“That’s right, isn’t it?” He said darkly. “How could I forget?”

Ron shook his head, feeling the tears threatening to rise again. “I’m so sorry,”

Draco stood, his back to Ron, and slowly finished buckling his belt. Ron stared at his back silently, mentally screaming for Draco to acknowledge him.

“I don’t suppose I can be angry with you,” Draco said finally, keeping his back to Ron. He thought for a moment, then added, “You love me, don’t you?”

“Very much,” Ron whispered.

Draco nodded, then crossed the room to pick up Ron’s clothes. Once he had found all of them, he came back over to Ron, standing in front of him.

“I think, sometimes,” Draco started quietly, sitting all of Ron’s clothes down on the side of the bed except for his shirt, “we can get so swept away in what we want, that we actually forget that we’re two separate people.”

Ron stared up at him in confusion, trying to make sense of what he just said. Draco’s eyes still looked vacant and distant, looking at Ron without seeing him. He draped Ron’s shirt across Ron’s shoulders, pulling it to the side. Ron obediently slipped his arm into the sleeve, and Draco guided Ron’s other arm to its respective sleeve.

“But it doesn’t really matter,” Draco continued, slowly working on the buttons. “We are –shall we say- one in the same? Two sides of the same coin?”

Ron nodded for Draco’s benefit, still trying to figure out what he was talking about. Draco absently continued on Ron’s buttons, gazing off into the distance in a way that reminded Ron vaguely of Luna Lovegood.

“So then, let’s say you like me,” Draco went on, “then I like you, too. Make sense?”

“Yes,”

“So if you rape me,” Draco finished with Ron’s buttons, then fished around in the pile of clothes for his tie, “that can only mean I want to be raped. But then it’s not really rape at all, is it?”

Ron didn’t know how he was supposed to answer, so he sat there silently, watching Draco straighten out the tie in his hands. He felt a small twist of fear, realising it would be painfully easy for Draco to choke him with it.

“No, it isn’t,” Draco answered for him. He slipped the tie around Ron’s neck, tying it with deliberate slowness. “You don’t want me to be angry with you, so I won’t be. We’re different, but we’re the same. You’re mine, and I’m yours. Always.”

“Always,” Ron repeated, tears blurring his vision.

Draco tied the tie into a comfortably loose knot around Ron’s neck. Ron was ashamed of the relief he felt when Draco pulled his hands away. Draco kneeled down in front of him, gazing up at Ron in a way that should have been reverent and loving, but somehow still contained that horrible vacancy.

“I love you, Ron,” he said slowly, as if he were explaining something to an ignorant child.

Ron closed his eyes, trying to force the tears away. It wouldn’t do for Draco to see him like that.

There was a rustle of movement, and something landed heavily in Ron’s lap. His eyes fluttered open. Draco was had moved to put on the rest of his clothes, having dropped Ron’s trousers onto his lap on the way.

“Get dressed and stay here for awhile,” Draco said softly, his voice sad.

Ron struggled to slip his trousers on, finally standing to pull them the rest of the way up. He expected the pain this time, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.

He was beginning to feel horrible for not telling Draco that he loved him. Draco needed to hear that, more than anyone else Ron had ever met. Ron always went out of his way to tell Draco how much he loved him. And now, when it was most important, Ron had been too busy selfishly thinking about himself to say it. Just as he opened his mouth to say something, Draco started speaking again.

“It wouldn’t do for us to both come into class late. Wait a few minutes, then go back to your common room. When someone finds you, tell them you were sick.”

Ron nodded, even though he knew Draco couldn’t see him. “Okay,”

Draco started toward the door, but Ron grabbed his hand, stopping him.

“Is there something else?” Draco asked, finally facing Ron again, keeping his head down.

The coldness in Draco’s voice caught Ron by surprise, sending his mind spiralling back to a time when that was the only tone he ever heard from Draco. A time when the only side of Draco that he knew was the one that stood up against walls, arms crossed, sneering at everyone who passed by. That Draco had treated Ron with hatred and cruelty, and that was something Ron didn’t want to be reminded of. The one person who loved him more than anything couldn’t be the same person who had hated him with that same passion.

“I just...” Ron started and trailed off, unsure of what to say. They never left without at least hugging each other, even after fights. He couldn’t let Draco leave with cold indifference like this. “I love you,” he said finally, and Draco finally met his gaze.

Draco put his free hand on the back of Ron’s head, gently pulling him into a kiss. Ron’s heart melted at the tenderness of it, and he let go of Draco’s hand to pull him into his arms. Draco’s hands moved to rest on Ron’s hips, gently caressing Ron’s hips with his thumbs.

Draco pulled away just enough to look at Ron, his pale cheeks flushed pink. Ron couldn’t help but smile.

“I’ll see you later?” Draco asked tentatively, searching Ron’s gaze.

Ron felt a stab of pain that had nothing to do with his injury. “Of course,”

Draco nodded and stepped out of Ron’s embrace. “I guess I should go to class, then.”

“Are you going like that?” Ron finally noticed Draco’s shoddy appearance.

“Hm?” Draco looked down at his clothes, then back up at Ron. “No, I’m going back to the dorms to shower and change first.”

Ron wondered if Draco would have noticed at all if he hadn’t said anything.

Draco leaned back in and placed one last quick kiss on Ron’s cheek, then turned and headed for the door, pausing when he reached it. He turned back to Ron and leaned back against the door, opening his mouth to say something. He snapped it closed almost immediately, apparently having some sort of strange inner struggle. Finally, he settled with, “I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry,”

Before Ron could ask him to elaborate, Draco turned and fled, slamming the door behind him.

Ron stood there, frozen, for a long minute. He was so worried about Draco, he could barely think of anything else. He carefully made his way back over to the bed, making sure he didn’t make any sort of quick or awkward movement that would cause him even more pain.

He slowly lowered himself down onto the bed, rolling over on his stomach to bury his face in a pillow. He inhaled deeply, taking in Draco’s warm, comforting scent that still lingered there. But this was the smell of his happy, gentle Draco; the Draco from yesterday who was so playful and loving. Ron just couldn’t understand it. How could Draco go from being perfectly normal to... whatever this was.

Surprisingly, Draco wasn’t an angry person, so it was completely out of character for him to get so tense and violent. Even so, if it were just that alone, Ron could understand. It could be caused by any number of things, like stress or nerves. What really had Ron concerned, however, was when Draco became distant, like a totally different person. His Draco was intelligent, and didn’t spout off random nonsense. Almost like he was...

“I’d go mad,”

Ron felt tears prick into the corners of his eyes again, and this time, he didn’t even try to hold them back.