Author’s Note: Well, I'm taking a wee bit of a break from "The Alchemist" due to some things in my personal life (I hope it won't be too much of a break), but you know me, I can't stay away from writing even if I try, so I thought I'd write something still Severus/Lily themed, but separate from "The Alchemist". That being said, this doesn't really fit into some of the plot of "The Alchemist". Consider it a stand alone one shot type of a thingy.

Since Severus is absent lately, I am finding that Lily is coming through quite strong. So, I am writing this from Lily's point of view.

The Apology

09/10/1981

Dear Severus,

You will probably never get this let... No, I don't want to start that way. Perhaps there is a way that you may someday hold this letter in your hands. If there is not, then what is the point in writing it. If you are reading it, however, something drastic must have happened. At this moment, I cannot fathom a way in which sending this to you could ever be considered appropriate, or possible...I don't know...I don't even know why I am writing this now, what it is I mean to say.

I heard that you are working at the school. Sirius mentioned it. He wasn't too happy about it, as you can imagine. Apparently he imagines you infecting future generations of witches and wizards with the virulent poison of dark magic and your unique brand of intelligence. There is nothing worse to Sirius than a kind of intelligence that is different from his own. I think he fears your Slytherin way of thinking even more than he objects to the dark magic. It makes little sense, I know, but then that's Sirius and always has been. But you don't want me to talk about Sirius, do you.

Nor do you want me to talk about James, but I will. I have to. I had wanted to try and explain that to you. To tell you that my relationship with him was never designed to hurt you. I doubt you believe this, but it is the truth, and I have never, ever lied to you. I would not start now - not with this. James and I... he changed, and I changed and I had things I wanted to forget, and being with him was the easiest way to bury that. Yes, so many things I wanted to forget, things I had to forget.

You were the main thing...

You still are...

And really, I suppose, that is why I am writing this letter. I want to say that I am sorry. I'm sorry for the way things ended. It was never the name you called me that day. That was a minor issue. I understood that you were upset. James and Sirius were bastards. There was no excuse for what they did, and there was no excuse for the way I used to casually flirt with James in those days either. In front of you, and with no remorse. I do not know what I thought I was about. It was inexcusable.

I know I hurt you with that. I knew it then too, and I didn't care. I was tired of your heart dictating my actions. I didn't realize then that I was missing the point. Love is caring enough for the other that you want what heals their heart, that you want to sacrifice for them. I had always wanted that for you. Sometimes I would go a whole day just trying to make you smile and if you did, then my day felt complete. After awhile though, I feared where this compassion might take me. How much would I be willing to do to make you happy?

I knew the paths you were going down in those days. Would I condone some of the things you did, your friends did, just to make you happy? Would I lose my heart so completely to yours that in the end I would become a person I did not know? I was afraid. That day I reacted out of that fear. I could not forgive you, I thought. If I did then I would soon become what you were becoming. You were always stronger and braver than I was (strange since it was I who ended up in Gryffindor). If you wanted something nothing would stop you from getting it. You would become a Death Eater if that is what you wanted and if I loved you then I would follow you there. I could not let that love consume my heart. I ended it.

There was probably a way I could have done things differently. I am older now, married, with a child. You find a way, Severus - you make a way where there is no way. You do it for love. That is what I have learned. I wish I had known that then. I wish I had found the courage to go that extra mile no matter how terribly painful and difficult it was. But I didn't. I did what I thought was right. It was the decision of a child. It was the safe decision. I am sorry for it.

That being said, I did make that decision. I made others too, and now I am living with the fruits of those seeds I sowed so long ago. Sometimes they are bitter, sometimes they are sweet. I do not have a bad life. There is much to love about it. If you were here still it would be better - brighter. I try not to think about that very often. It will only make me sad and there is nothing to be done about it now. But still it is true. You were my friend, I loved you as such, and I will always love you as such.

Why am I writing this letter, you are probably wondering? What prompted it?

As I mentioned, Sirius told me you were working at the school now.

"When did that happen?" I asked.

I tried not to sound eager. Sirius gets a look in his eye I do not like when I talk about you. James is not...Well, he does not need the added stress of that right now. There are enough other things weighing him down.

Sirius shrugged. "A few months back it seems. Dumbledore didn't really say. The summer I think. May, maybe?"

And I remembered suddenly and clearly that it had been early in June when Dumbledore had suggested hiding us, had told us our lives were in danger, that he had dependable information from 'inside sources'.

You never wanted to teach. You wanted to accomplish something, be something. You wanted to go into research maybe? You never could decide, but you knew you wanted to make your mark on the world. You were proud and bold when you took the dark mark. You had finally accomplished something, you were going somewhere. I saw it in you. You held yourself differently, more confidently the few times I saw you about afterward. You wouldn't suddenly give all that up to teach Potions at Hogwarts. Its not like you at all.

I asked myself why? Why would you do it?

We are safe for now, and I think it maybe because of you. My God, what have you had to give up to ensure this? What has Dumbledore asked of you? I have learned something about him over the years. He is not as harmless as he looks. He can play us all like pieces on some giant chess board without us even realizing it, and still we serve him, we would die for him...Why, Severus? Why?

Perhaps you know.

I can only hope that he has not required too much of you.

I fear he has.

We are safe for now. I am not naive enough to think it will be forever. I have felt something dark and heavy and suffocating, like the dull weight of damp wool, weighing down my spirit the last month. Perhaps it is just James' depression, the bravery with which he tries to pretend its not there; perhaps it is the sick sort of dread I get everytime I look at my boy and realize how ill equipped I am to care for him (God I miss my mum sometimes...); or perhaps it is something more... Something is coming, and it will consume us all very soon.

I had a dream the other night. I dreamed I was drowning. I dreamed that a great wave swept over the land and up over the house, engulfed everything, and I was lost in a sea of floating furniture and screaming villagers. I could see Harry (that is what we called him, our boy) and he was going under. I knew that I had to save him. All I had to do was save him. I did manage to get to him, to toss him onto the roof of a nearly submerged house as the current swept me by it, and then it took me, and I saw him no more.

The dark waters overwhelmed me and I let them. Sometimes you get tired, Severus, so tired that you have no fight left in you. It is easier to sleep, to let death take you if it wants to. That is how I felt in the dream and I let the black waters swallow me up, and then those waters were your eyes, and you were there, and everything melted away. Nothing mattered, and yet, somehow everything did. You were my life once. How appropriate that you would be my death as well.

I was relieved and overjoyed to finally see you after so many years, and I let myself fall into you, mesh and meld and remember that part of you that was me, and that part of myself that dwells in you. My heart stopped, but my soul seemed to take a deep and shuddering breath, as though only in merging with you did it finally remember its true self and come back to life. How strange that only in the moment of death I would realize that you were everything. My teacher, my companion, my guide, my lab partner, my partner in crime (remember sneaking to the kitchens for extra custard after curfew second year),my friend, my brother, my love, my soul.

I miss you.

I only pray that this letter finds you safe and happy when it finally does fall into your hands. You are always on my mind and in my heart, and know this - no matter what the world may think of you, no matter what you do, who you think you have become, there will always be a corner of my heart reserved for you. You are branded onto it and it will always be yours. Remember, I know you, I know what you think; I know who you are; I know what you have done. I know all of this, and I love you still. I will always love you. I will always be your friend. Always.

Yours Eternally,
Lily