Disclaimer: I own nothing except my characters. The rest of the characters belong to the great JE. I make no money and am only having fun.

TT's Big Secret Challenge - June's Month-long challenge is all about secrets - BIG Secrets.  Choose any two or more Plum characters. One or more are keeping secrets that will significantly affect the friendship/relationship between/among the characters you have chosen.

I'm Not Her

Part 1

by Kym

My life as I knew it was over.  But, so many things made sense to me now.  For example, why my mother was so hard on me, and why she could never accept me for who I was.  I never quite understood how a mother could give her own daughter as much grief as mine did to me.

It all made sense.  And I had discovered everything by accident.

I didn’t know who I was anymore.  I’m not Stephanie Plum, ‘Burg girl, half Italian, half Hungarian hormones.  It was all a lie.  A big fat, fucking lie.

No wonder I couldn’t mold myself into the perfect ‘Burg expectation, and it was now clear why I could never meet the expectations set by St. Valerie.  I was set up for failure, before I even truly began.  And no one understood.  No one except my dad…if I could still call him that.

I’m adopted.  My parents were paid an obscene amount of money to take me and raise me.  Too bad that my mother hadn’t seen fit to love me, too.  Maybe, this wouldn’t hurt so badly if she did.  Not only did she deprive me of love, but she had left an integral part of my life out…robbed me of my heritage.

I had been up in the attic at my parent’s house, searching for old Halloween decorations that I could use this year.  Instead of finding my treasure, I found letters tied together, all addressed to ‘Stephanie’.  Some of the letters were very old from the looks of them, but a few looked to be more recent…maybe in the last ten years or so.

So, I sat down, opened them, and began to read…

October 1977

My dearest daughter,

If you are reading this, then you have found the legacy that I have left for you. I’m sure that you have grown into a bright, beautiful young woman and I know that I would be very proud of you.

First, I must apologize for you meeting me this way. It’s hard to meet your mother through a letter, let alone understanding my reasons for doing what I did. I hope that you will give me a chance to explain this to you and that you will listen with an open heart.

I ask that you hold your judgment of me until you have learned everything. However, I know that I do not have the right to ask anything of you, not after leaving you. But, if you could just forgive me long enough for me to explain, then I will leave everything else to be your decision.

So, my daughter, I will send you letters each year for your birthday, and in between if something should happen. Please read all of them, no matter what. You deserve to know the truth and I promise you, I will tell you all.

I have loved you since the moment I set eyes on you, never doubt that, daughter.

Your loving mother,

Callista

As I read that letter, I felt something inside of me go numb.  It’s like an important part of who I am just dried up and died.  I was clutching all of the letters in my hand and I had tears running down my face after reading Callista’s letter.

I couldn’t read them at my parent’s house; I had to escape.  So, I slid them into my purse and left the house with a quick goodbye.  I had driven to my apartment and barricaded myself in my room.  I didn’t want to do this alone, I was scared to.  I was scared as to what I would read and discover.  If it’s one thing I do understand, it’s that the truth usually hurts and this one was already killing me.

But, who should I call?  Ranger had been in the wind for several months and I hadn’t heard from him since he had left.  Before he shipped out, we had grown closer, almost a relationship except for the future part.  I needed him; he could help me with this.

I sighed and picked up the phone, then set it down.  I didn’t want to bother him, what if he was in the middle of a shootout?  He could get hurt if he answered my summons.  No way was I calling anyone from the ‘Burg.  This news would spread like wild fire and I wasn’t ready to be the ‘freak’ of Chambersburg, New Jersey.

Adopted meant different and, as soon as everyone knew, I’d be an outsider, despite having spent all my thirty years here.

My shoulders slumped and I finally gave up.  I bundled the letters together again and slid them into my dresser drawer.  I closed it silently and laid back on my bed, staring at the ceiling.  I wanted to read them, I really did.  However, I had already lost my identity.  I don’t think I could have stood to lose anymore, not at this moment.

The letters had waited thirty years; they could wait another day or a week.

Over the next few days, I had become withdrawn.  I was quiet, more introspective with my thoughts.  I was biding my time, waiting for the right moment.  I think I may have skipped a few meals and I didn’t have the drive to do anything besides my job.  I had ignored my mother’s summons and she grew more hateful with every message she left on my answering machine.  She had labeled me correctly in her assessment…I was truly an ungrateful daughter.

My dad had called me once, to make sure that I was okay.  I had told him that physically I was as fit as a fiddle.  He must have understood the underlying tone of my voice, because he didn’t push me and I was thankful for that.

Joe had called, following one of my mother’s many calls.  I rolled my eyes when I heard his voice come over the machine.  He was ‘inquiring’ how I was, and asking me for dinner because ‘the boys missed me’.  Right.  Leave it to Ellen Plum to play dirty.  She was always throwing Joe in my face, despite my protests.  Probably she told him that I would be acceptable to his cheating ways.

Not in the next lifetime!

I had finally disconnected my landline and then programmed for every call to my cell phone go directly to voice mail.  I stripped out of my clothes and climbed in between my sheets with nothing on but my panties.

I was alone, it was nothing new and I might as well get used to it.  I couldn’t rely on Ranger to rescue me from everything, certainly not a bundle of letters.  This was my life and I needed to control it, not let it own me.

I felt tears slip down my cheeks again.  I sat up and took the one letter I had read and brought it back to bed with me.  I studied my birth mother’s elegant script and read her words again.  I fell asleep, clutching the letter in my hand.

I heard someone calling my name from far off.  I struggled through the layers of sleep and saw the most precious thing in the world.  Ranger was home!  He had come home, to me.

Then, I heard what he was saying to me.  “Stephanie!  Babe, are you sick?  You look like a skeleton.  If this is what happens when I have to leave, you’ll be coming with me from now on.”

I just stared at him, so happy to see him, and relieved.  He was my anchor and he could hold my demons at bay.  I launched myself into his arms and hung on for all I was worth.

He chuckled in my hair.  “I’m glad to see that you missed me as much as I’ve missed you, Babe.”

Oh, God, he had no idea.  None.

I leaned back and handed him the letter I was still grasping.  He gave me a curious look, but unfolded the letter and started reading.  I watched the expressions cross his face, at least the ones I could identify: curiosity, disbelief, confusion, and then anger.  Finally, he closed his eyes and dropped his head down against his chest.

No!  What if he didn’t want me anymore?  What if he wanted Stephanie Plum and not me?  I’m not her, not anymore.

I sat quietly, waiting for him to say something, anything.  Finally, he opened his eyes and I was shocked to see unshed tears in them.  Without a word, he picked me up and settled me onto his lap.  He rocked me against him.

He only said two words, “Oh, Babe.”  However, his tone of voice was comforting.

Then I knew.  I’m not her, but he loves me.

It was a start.