Title: Heal Me
Author: sofialindsay
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: Emily/JJ
Disclaimer- I do not own the characters…and I don’t think I want JJ. I’ll take Emily though, if she’s ever up for sale!!
Rating: M
Summary: JJ tries to deal with her actions towards Emily.
AN: I had many people look at this: darkbardzero, as usual thanks for beta’ing and dealing with my overall freakouts. Steppenwolf20, cmbfs and ruevalerian, thanks for the input. Without all of you, I would have scrapped it.
AN2: This can be a follow-up to “JJ Get’s Her Way,” or can be a stand-alone. Depending on the reception of it aka- if I’m not ran off the community, I’ll post part 2.
Archiving: P&P, other’s ask.

JJ sighed as she watched her lover sleep; with the loose strands of dark hair framing her face, Emily was simply beautiful. The sheet had fell to her waist, and JJ could also see the bruises on her lover’s body, as well as the welts around her wrists. She bit her lip as she cursed herself for marring the beauty that was Emily.

Thinking back to her earlier actions, JJ couldn’t help the shudder than coursed through her. A shudder of arousal, at that. Never before had she been so rough with Emily. Never before had she told her lover she couldn’t speak, or make a sound, during sex. Never before had she felt the urge to do things to Emily that now made her head spin. She, for a split second, wondered what the profiler would think if she knew of those ideas.

She knew Emily liked giving up control to her, but she briefly wondered where that line was drawn. How far was too far for Emily? When would the brunette start to push her away? Or be afraid of her? She fingered the welts on Emily’s wrist, and felt the tears sting her eyes when the brunette whimpered and pulled her arm away. The blonde knew the sleeping woman would never admit that she had inflicted pain on her, but JJ knew by the sound Emily made, the pain was there.

How is she not afraid of me? I’m even afraid of me sometimes. She’d never admit that I hurt her…God, what does that say about me as a lover? God, Jennifer, how could you hurt her?

JJ’s internal dialogue continued, as she silently climbed from the bed. Quickly dressing, she took a sheet of paper from Emily’s desk and through burning tears, clumsily wrote her lover a note. Walking to the bedroom, she put the letter on the nightstand, and placed her key upon it. Trying hard not to wake Emily, she quickly fled the condo, before letting the tears fall freely.

You’re doing the right thing Jennifer. You’ll only hurt her worse if you stay.

Thirty minutes later, she found herself staring at the water of the Atlantic Ocean from a secluded spot Emily had taken her on their fourth date. It was fitting, she thought, the beauty of the white sand and blue waves reminding her of the profiler. The ocean was wild, untamed even. It was reckless, yet deliberate; it could be calm, or full of fury, but it was always a magnificent sight. Much like Emily.

It’s better this way. You can’t hurt her if you stay away. You can still be friends. You can still love her and not be with her. She’ll find someone who won’t hurt her. She’ll find someone better. Someone more deserving of her love.

The blonde wrapped her arms around herself as she fell to her knees and broke down on the sand. Running out on Emily had felt like a constricting band around her heart. But now, the realization of what she had given up…what she had been forced to give up because of some unexplainable darkness inside of her…the realization that she’d never lay beside the brunette again, never again be held in those strong arms or feel the soft skin next to her, it struck her like a knife straight into her heart.

She couldn’t…wouldn’t be with Emily until she had answers…answers that she didn’t know how to find. That realization made her cry even harder.

Emily awoke to the sun shining in her face and rolled over to snuggle into her lover’s arms. The sleep lingering in her mind quickly vanished as she realized she was alone in the bed.

“JJ…honey, where are you?” She called while buttoning her shirt up, ignoring the soreness in her muscles. Not getting an answer, she slowly walked through the empty condo before making her way back to her bedroom. The sheet of paper JJ had placed next to the bed earlier caught her eye, making her take a seat on the edge of the bed before reading the familiar penmanship.

Emily,

I love you; that’s why I have to do this. I can’t explain what’s inside of me that caused me to hurt you tonight. I know you’ll never admit that I did, but your actions in sleep speak the truth. I fear I’ll hurt you worse than welts on your wrists, or bruises on your hips from my fingers. I would hate myself if I hurt you worse, although I know in doing this, I’m hurting you just the same.

I love you, never doubt that. I’m doing this to protect you. Please, let me do this.

Forever yours,

JJ.

The profiler ran a shaky hand through her bed-tangled hair before grabbing her cell phone and punching in the familiar number. Unsurprisingly, it went straight to voicemail. Still clutching the letter, she threw on a pair of worn, faded Levi’s and her shoes, grabbed her keys, wallet and gun and practically ran to her car.

Driving first to JJ’s house and the BAU’s headquarters and finding both empty, the older woman briefly considered calling Garcia before an idea crept into her head. Turning her car towards the beach, she prayed to whoever was listening that JJ would be in ‘their’ spot.

After breaking several traffic laws, Emily pulled up beside the familiar blue Honda and turned her Lexus off. Fisting the letter in one hand, and fighting down anger, she slowly walked to where she suspected the younger blonde to be.

The sight of JJ was heartbreaking, and it took all Emily’s willpower not to run to her lover and pull her close. The profiler in her told her this was a reaction to the recent events of the case, but the girlfriend in her wouldn’t allow her to walk away. Taking a deep breath, she quietly walked up behind her lover.

“So you were going to leave me with just a letter?”

JJ startled when she heard the rough voice from behind her. She should have known Emily would find her. She knew the brunette wouldn’t let her go without a fight, but this was too much.

“Emily, please. Honey I know you don’t understand…”

“You’re right Jayj, I don’t. Explain it to me, please. Don’t just run out on me…I thought you loved me. I thought you were in love with me.” Emily’s voice caught in her throat at the thought of JJ not loving her.

“I do love you, but I hurt you. After I promised I wouldn’t.” JJ replied, as if that answered it all.

“Honey, we’ve been through this. We both get rough, it just happens. It’s a part of us, a part that we both understand. Other than a couple of bruises, what makes you think you hurt me?”

Emily reached out to pull JJ to her and was surprised when JJ rebuffed her efforts. She became worried when tears began streaming down the blonde’s face.

“You pulled away from me this morning. Em, I hurt you last night.”

“Honey, what are you talking about? I woke up this morning and you were gone. I never pulled away from you.”

The confusion in Emily’s voice was obvious and JJ turned to face her. “I was watching you sleep. I reached out to trace the marks on your wrists. You…whimpered and pulled your arm away from me. I hurt you Em, after I promised I wouldn’t. I’m afraid I’ll do worse next time.”

Emily shook her head disbelievingly, “You think you’ll loose control and hurt me?”

JJ nodded, unsure of what else to say, and let herself be pulled into Emily’s tight embrace.

“Sweetheart, we’ve used handcuffs before. We’ve done things like that before and all we ever get is soreness and a few bruises. Why do you think you will hurt me?”

“What if I go too far? Em, I killed a man. Yes, it was an act of duty, but regardless, I took a life. There’s this darkness inside of me that I can’t understand. But until I do, I won’t put you at risk.”

Emily stared at the younger woman for a few minutes, a confused look on her face with an eyebrow raised. Apparently JJ’s emotional state was more unbalanced at the moment than she originally thought. “Put me at risk? Honey, what is going on in that head of yours?! ”

“Emily, there are times I want fuck you just to know we’re both alive. Fucking to feel I guess. I love how you trust me so much, but I like you giving up control to me. I love feeling you come apart underneath me, I love you begging me…”

“So you want to dominate me? Sweetie, we both do that to each other. You’re making a big deal out of nothing. Look at me JJ.”

Emily waited until the blonde was looking at her, and ran her fingers down the side of her face, pushing her shirt off to the side enough that she could get to the shoulder she had marked the night before. Tracing the bite mark with gentle pressure, she saw JJ bite her lip in response.

“This hurts, doesn’t it?”

JJ nodded, “But Emily…”

“No. No buts. Do you think I’m dangerous for you to sleep with, to love even, because I hurt you?”

“God no. Em, you were cuffed though…you had no control of anything.” JJ countered.

“I did have control; I could have ended it. If I had said the word, you would have stopped. We both know that. Your fear that you’ll lose control tells me you won’t. You’re too careful. You can’t leave me, JJ. Not over this. We’ll stop being rough if that’s what it takes. Just please, don’t go.”

A fresh wave of tears made it’s way down JJ’s face as she saw the tenderness and sincerity in the dark eyes.

“Honey, it’s not us being rough that bothers me…it’s the fact I enjoy it. What makes that different than the unsub we just caught? He loved her and he hurt her. All because of his urge to ‘claim’ her.”

Taking a seat on the warm sand, Emily pulled the crying blonde onto her lap as she tried to comfort her. JJ clung to her like a small child would it’s mother, and Emily was sure her heart was going to break from the broken look of her lover.

“I’ve killed too, ya know. I killed someone at work and then came home, cuffed you to the bed and fucked you out of your mind. If I remember correctly, you couldn’t even remember your name for a good five minutes, and you had marks on you for the better part of the week. Do you think I didn’t wonder to myself then if I was a danger to you? If I had the ability in me to harm you? Every time we go into the field to chase a sexual predator…and I see the things they do…don’t you think I wonder the difference is between what we do and what they do?”

JJ burrowed into the warm skin of the profiler’s neck and sighed, “I didn’t think about that, I guess. I don’t know what to do Em. I love you so much it scares me.”

“I’ll tell you what we do. We stay together; we find a happy medium that we’re both comfortable with. You don’t run from me; you stay and tell me what is bothering you, or what you want to do, and we go from there. Jayj, I want forever out of this. I want forever with you. You have to know by now that something like this wouldn’t push me away.”

“Em, it’s not like that…you don’t know…” JJ let her words trail off as she tried to decide what she wanted to tell her lover.

“Then tell me, Jayj. I love you, I’m not going to run out on you I promise.”

The blonde sight as she pulled back to wrap her arms around herself.

“Sometimes, I just want to take you ... regardless of where we are or who's watching. I want to mark you and show everyone that you're mine. I know we sometimes play it rough, but at the same time ... it's not enough. I have this fantasy of you in a short leather skirt and a see-through white blouse sans bra, so everyone can see... but you're mine. And I want to have you succumb to my every wish. No matter where we are or what it is. And I want to take you out in some dark back alley, kneel down before me and...”

Seeing Emily’s eyebrow raise, the blonde agent let her words trail off and began to rethink ever telling Emily her deepest desires. “I …I shouldn’t have said anything…this is for the best Emily, really…I gotta go.”

“JJ, honey no…that’s not...no!”

A stunned Emily watched the younger woman frantically scramble to her feet and rush up the path towards her car. Allowing her head to fall into her hands, she sighed as she cursed herself for pushing JJ to tell her.

“Oh my god…what have I done?”