ACT I, SCENE II. A street.

(Enter CAPULET, PARIS, and Servant)

CAPULET: Montague’s gotta obey the law just like we do… but it shouldn’t be this hard for us old farts to be tolerant of each other.

PARIS: You two are both honorable gang leaders. It’s too bad you’ve been feuding for so long. But back to what’s important; what do you think of my idea?

CAPULET: My daughter’s not even fourteen, bitch. I say we wait about two more years.

PARIS: Seriously? There are tons of mothers younger than her that are doing fine.

CAPULET: Yeah, but the sooner they start, the sooner they won’t be no good. I ain’t got no more hopes or dreams, except my girl. Try flirting with her, you know, get her to like you, but don’t go no further unless she’s cool with it… But listen, tonight I’m havin’ a real sick party with a shitload of my homies comin’. You should come, Paris. The more the merrier, eh? There’ll be so many hot li’l things… I know how you horny teenage bastards get. Maybe take a look at some of them before you decide for sure on my Juliet. Come with me.

(CAPULET gives paper to MINION)

CAPULET: (to MINION) This here’s my invite list. Get yer filthy ass out there and tell all these people I want ’em at my party. Tell ’em it’ll be a real good time.

(Exit Capulet and Paris)

(Enter BENVOLIO and ROMEO)

BENVOLIO: You gotta find another girl, dude. Find another girl and you’ll forget all about ol’ nunny Rosaline.

ROMEO: You’re one to talk about girls.

BENVOLIO: What’s that supposed to mean?

ROMEO: It’s like you’re gay or something.

BENVOLIO: What the fuck? Are you crazy?

ROMEO: I’m not crazy, but I'm tied up tighter’n someone in a straight-jacket. I'm locked up in a prison and ain’t got no food. I'm whipped and tortured…—(to MINION) ’Sup, dude?

MINION: Nothin’ much, but I was wond’r’n… can you read?

ROMEO: I can read my own fortune in my misery.

MINION: Well, okay, I guess you learned to read from life but… dude, can you read anything you see?

ROMEO: Yup, if I know the letters and language.

MINION: I see. Well, that’s an honest answer. Have a nice day. (turns to leave)

ROMEO: Nah, dude, stay here; I’m just playin’ with ya. I can read. This says: “Martino, his bitch and their girls; Anselme and his hot sisters, that ho that was with Vitravio, the dead guy; Placentio and his sister’s attractive daughters; my uncle and aunt and their daughters, my super hot cousins; my neice Rosaline; Livia; Valentio and his cuzzin Tybalt; Lucio and Helena.” Nice group of people. Where are they going?

MINION: Up.

ROMEO: Up where?

MINION: At our hood.

ROMEO: Whose hood?

MINION: My master's.

ROMEO: Yeah, okay, who’s your master?

MINION: The badass mothafucka Jack Capulet. He’s havin’ a sweet party tonight. If you aren’t a Montague, you can come.

(exit MINION)

BENVOLIO: DUUUUDE!! Did you read that list?? Look at how many girls are gonna be there! Including Rosaline! Seriously dude, go there, look around, and compare Rosaline to some of the chicks I’m’a show ya, and you’ll think she’s the ugliest ho you’ve ever seen.

ROMEO: Yeah right. There’s never been anyone prettier. Like, ever…

BENVOLIO: You saw her by herself. You didn’t see her with any other girl around. Seriously. Just listen to me man. Come with me to this party.

ROMEO: I’ll go, but not to check out all the girls; I’ll go so I can check out Rosaline.

(exit ROMEO and BENVOLIO)