|Sweeney Song Parodies!
Author: Hannah95 PM
I am now parodying Sweeney songs! No song is safe... A REAL UPDATE THIS TIME I SWEARRated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 10 - Words: 7,396 - Reviews: 127 - Favs: 32 - Follows: 23 - Updated: 01-25-09 - Published: 06-08-08 - id: 4309634
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Nine songs down, nine or ten to go… PLEASE READ THE END NOTE! IT IS VERY IMPORTANT!
Disclaimer: Here it is… The chapter you've all been waiting for… I present you with….
A LITTLE PRIEST! This will be confusing; please bare with me…
Chapter Ten: A PONY!
L: Seems a downright shame…
S: What does?
L: Seems an awful waste…
S: I'm still not following you…
L: Such a nice plump frame….
S: Who? Who does?
L: Wot's-his-name has… had… has…
S: This is so confusing… I think my head's gonna explode…
L: Nor it can't be traced…
S: Are we talking about murdering someone now? Oh, goody! I do love a good murder!
L: Business needs a lift… Debts to be erased…
S: No kidding. There's, like, dead stuff rotting in the corners… Ew.
L: Think of it as thrift, as a gift… If you get my drift…
S: Ooo, presents! I want a new razor, and a new trunk cuz mine's all bloodstained, and, oh! A new downstairs neighbor cuz this one's kinda nuts and…and… A PONY!
L: I mean, with the price of meat what it is, when you get it, if you get it –
S: Ah-ha! We're gonna make people pies! Excellent! Sounds yummy.
L: Good, you've got it. Take, for instance, Mrs. Mooney and her pie shop.
S: Oh, the Cat Lady? Why're we talking about her? I thought you hated her cuz her pies were better than yours and… I'll shut up now.
L: Business never better, using only pussy cats and toast.
L: Now a pussy's good for maybe six or seven at the most. And I'm sure they can't compare as far as taste –
S: Sure, human pies'll taste better than cat pies. Just, ya know, with the human pies and all, you might get mad human disease, but…who cares, right? If it tastes good… Mrs. Lovett, what a charming notion!
L: Why, thank you! Well, it does seem a waste…
S: Eminently practical and yet appropriate as always. Mrs. Lovett, how I did without you all these years I'll never know!
L: (Swoons, then quickly is revived) Think about it. Lots of other gentlemen'll soon be coming for a shave. Won't they?
S: Well, duh. I'm the bestest ever. How delectable! Also undetectable.
L: Yep! No one'll ever know we're grinding up people in our convenient basement/meat sweatshop! Think of all them pies!
S: I'd rather not, since your cooking still disgusts me. How choice! How rare!
L: We'll be the only shop selling people their friends, siblings, fathers, lovers, and random acquaintances!
S: For what's the sound of the world out there?
L: Which sound specifically? There's the nagging wives, and the begging kids, and the begging adults, and the rich people with their jangly money, and…um…that donkey-thing. What, Mr. Todd, what, Mr. Todd, what is that sound?
S: Those crunching noises pervading the air?
L: Ew. Crunching… Yes, Mr. Todd, yes, Mr. Todd, yes, all around –
S: It's man devouring man, my dear.
S and L: And/Then who are we to deny it in here?
S: These are desperate times, Mrs. Lovett, and desperate measures are called for.
L: Maybe not that desperate… But then again… Here we are, hot out of the oven.
S: Do I look like I want to die today? I don't wanna eat that…thing… What is that?
L: It's priest. Have a little priest.
S: Well, if we weren't going to hell before, we certainly are now… Is it really good?
L: Why do you even ask? You know what it'll be like… Sir, it's too good, at least.
S: Sure… Um, I'll just take your word for it…
L: Then again, they don't commit sins of the flesh, so it's pretty fresh.
S: Ew. Just ew… Awful lot of fat.
L: Well, duh. Only where it sat.
S: But still… Haven't you got poet, or something like that?
L: Picky, picky, picky… No, you see that trouble with poet is, how do you know it's deceased? Try the priest.
S: But I want poet…
L: Lawyer's rather nice…
S: Ew…lawyer… Better be expensive cuts… If it's for a price.
L: Only the finest. Order something else, though, to follow, since no one should swallow it twice.
S: But…but…your cooking sucks… Why would I want to order more? Anything that's lean.
L: Do you have to be so picky? Sheesh… Well, then, if you're British and loyal, you might enjoy Royal Marine.
S: Of course I'm British. Here my accent?
L: Anyway, it's clean.
S: Unlike your hands, sadly…
L: Though, of course, it tastes of wherever it's been.
S: Is that squire on the fire?
L: Maybe… Mercy no, sir, look closer, you'll notice it's grocer.
S: Looks thicker. More like vicar. Oh, we're so going to hell…
L: No, it has to be grocer – it's green.
S: Ew. Green-ness. Rotten. Ew. The history of the world, my love –
L: (Swoons again, and is revived. Again.) Save a lot of graves, do a lot of relatives favors…
S: You scare me… -Is those below serving those up above…
L: You scare me… Everybody shaves, so there should be plenty of flavors…
S: Like librarian, and beggar, and…um…MONKEY! How gratifying for once to know-
S and L: -That those above will serve those down below!
S: What is that?
L: Well, what's it look like, you idiot? It's fop. Finest in the shop.
S: Oh my God, they've killed Raoul! Eh, not a problem…
L: Or we have some shepherd's pie peppered with actual shepherd on top.
S: Where do you find a shepherd in London?
L: And I've just begun.
S: Ugh. Shoot me.
L: Here's a politician – so oily it's served with a doily- Have one?
S: I'd rather not… Put it on a bun. Well, you never know when it's going to run.
L: Ha ha… Politician… Run… Get it? Um… I'll stop now… Try the friar, fried it's drier.
S: Are we trying to go to hell? Really? All these clergymen… We're so screwed. No the clergy is really too coarse and too mealy.
L: Then actor- It's compactor.
S: Don't bake our author. She wouldn't like that. Yes, and always arrives overdone.
L: Don't insult her like that… She'll not update for a while if you do…
S: I'll come again when you have Judge on the menu…
L: Hey, you're the one who has to kill him first.
S: Have charity towards the world, my pet…
L: (Swoons. Again. And has to be revived. Again!) Yes, yes, I know, my love-
S: We'll take the customers that we can get.
L: Why wouldn't we? High born and low, my love.
S: Of course. We'll not discriminate great from small. No we'll serve anyone-Meaning anyone-
L: We'll serve anyone-
S and L: And to anyone at all!
The last few lines needed no comment. I'm serious. I hope that was funny. Yes, I do act. In community theatre and literary. I will update sooner. And you guys get to pick when!
Here's how: I'm gonna give you a few lines from a song. Tell me what song it is, and you get to pick when I update.
If you are the first to review with the correct answer (meaning it gets to my e-mail inbox first) I'll review-reply and tell you that you get to pick. Whenever I get the PM telling me when you want it, I'll PM you back. Then it will be up on the day you selected.
Because I love you all, there will be no more excuses. Here is the line:
Now here is a riddle to guess if you can,
Who is the monster and who is the man?
It's from a movie. Because I love movies. Tell me what the song is, and for bonus points, the movie.
You have the power!
All My Love, Hannah