99 Point 9 Percent Guaranteed

By: xxtarragonxx

Warnings: See previous chapters because I’m getting lazy. :P

DISCLAIMER: I do not own ANY lyrics or Naruto. :3

AN: Why have I sprung forth with this oh-so-shiny new chapter? WELL IT’S ALL THANKS TO PALADIN-KRISS. Who has reviewed my crap for the like 100th time. XD THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING AND THEN REVIEWING MY CRAP. Haha, you pwn so much, like seriously.

So this chapter is dedicated to him (Paladin_kriss) and all of my other faithful reviewers! O: This is also dedicated to EDelta88- whom I misinterpreted. XD Sorry for that, I’m horribly sensitive.

Yeah, and she isn’t twisted enough to be like Poe, but she’s dense enough to believe that she’s as great as him.

AND I’M TORN BETWEEN ITANARU, SHIKANARU, SAINARU, AND GAANARU. D; (possibly SasuNaru, just not sure.)

Help me decide? And to help you help me decide I’m going to have hot moments between all of them. ;D Guess who’s first?

:3 And now, I am going to recognize people and respond to their reviews.

Paladin-kriss- O.O HAGRID HAS ROCK HARD BUNS. Odd, I always thought they would be flabby. XD

Soul-Girl- Thank you! –triumphantmusic-

1-800-Suicide- XD Sure he’s hot, but he kills Itachi and then goes AGAINST his wishes and is all like “I’m going to kill Konoha.” And I’m like flailing at his stupidity.

Exhale Vanilla Lace- I’m glad I do. XD

Gaara-Girls- Like I said, I’m really torn right now. D;

Otaku96- Me too, hence why I decided to write Fem!Naru stories.

My name IS a flower- Google it. XD And laugh. They are some type of furry creatures that are in some nerd movie. e.o I dunno.

-777blackfox777- - 8D Well be glad you didn’t have to wait THAT long!

Blue-white cuddly bear- -bows- Thank you so much.

Bloody Midnight- XD Thanks a lot, and here’s the soon-ish update!

Icestar-0 – O: Who made you read Romeo and Juliet? I could never read it. Shakespeare is way too confusing. D;

… I can’t believe how much smilies I’ve just used. O:

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-Gaara’s POV-

AFTER SCHOOL ;D

I don’t know what makes me want to talk to Uzumaki, maybe it’s the way she seems so different from other girls. Sure, she’s dense but it’s actually kind of charming. I always seem to think about her as I sharpen my knife. I call my knife Betty. She’s so shiny, and lightweight. I take it and I look at the object of target. It lays motionless. Perfect, I take it and plunge it in with a THWOCK.

….which sounds kind of stupid, but whatever. So I start carving this log. ….What did you think I was plunging my knife into? I’m not that psycho you know. What type of sick demented person starts carving statues out of flesh? Anyway, I’m actually very artistic, whenever I’m not beating someone up, threatening my older sister’s boyfriends, or simply hitting someone because they were in my way, I am doing something artistic.

And don’t you dare ever call me a fucking pansy for liking art. Unless you live near an emergency room, or better yet, one of your parents is an EMT or something. Now back on the topic of Uzumaki, I don’t know really, something compels me to want to be nice to her. It’s so weird. I look back down at the log.

It looks like Uzumaki’s face now. I groan. It was then that Temari stepped outside. She took one look at the carving and scoffed, “Dude, that’s beyond obsessive, you know? Pretty soon you’re going to start following her home and sleeping under the foundation of her house. You need help bro.” I smirk a bit, “How many people have said the same thing to me and how many times have I listened?” Temari pulls out a book, and counts up the tally marks. I blink. What. The. Fuck? Seeing my obvious confusing Temari shows me the cover of the bright red notebook it read: How Many Times People Have Told Gaara He Needs Help And How Many Times He’s Listened.

“Very funny. I think my sides are going to split in laughter.” “They shouldn’t, this is very serious little brother.” She counts up over 5 pages filled to the last line with tally-marks. She looks gravely at me, “Little brother, you have been told to get help over 9850394 times and you have listened ZERO times.” “Exactly.” Temari rolls her eyes, “Whatever, you still need help.” “Still not listening.” “That’s another mark!” “Like I care.”

-Naruto’s POV-

“WHOOOO! It’s time for banndd practicccee!” I scream as I run around in circles. Ino rolls her eyes, “Calm down Naruto.” I stop in my tracks, “CALM DOWN, CALM DOWN? IT’S TIME FOR PRACTICE AND YOU TELLS US TO CALM DOWN?! VERY NICE PRECIOUS, VERY NICE INDEED, SHAROOONNNNN I’M SO CONFUSED!(AN: XD I actually said that once)” I scream as I start rolling around on the ground.

Hinata exits the bathroom, “Chill out Naruto.” She says calmly. Yeah, one might think she’d be all like, “N-n-naruto-chan, p-p-please calm th-th-the fuck d-d-down.” And then faint from cussing. But no, during band practice Hinata was totally awesome and confident. Seriously, music is like ecstasy to us. We loved writing music, playing music, listening to music. If music was a man we would probably like doing music.

Music is love. And if you try to argue with me, then….then… I dunno what I’ll do really, but it’ll hurt. And probably have something to do with jamming my guitar up your ass and screaming “DO YOU LIKE IT NOW?” Whoa. Whoa. WHOA. Never mind. I didn’t realize how sick that sounded. Sorry, anyway, moving on, we all moved down into the basement where Kiba resided, setting up and tuning his drums.

Ino plugged in her bass and Hinata set up her keyboard/synthesizer thing, I smile, “WE’RE SO READY TO ROCK THIS BASEMENT!” Hinata smiled and we fell into our first song, called Bring Me To Life. There are no words to describe this song. We all did our parts perfectly and executed everything with ease. We had practiced this song many times before.

-TIMESKIP (because I’m lazy like that)-

“That was one hell of a practice, wasn’t it?” Kiba asked me. “HELLS YEAH IT WAS.” I say, we were just packing up all of our shit when Iuka came down in a frilly pink apron. I stifle a laugh behind my hand. “Naruto, you have a visitor at the door!” “Okay, I’ll be right up Iruka-chan.” Iruka’s face turns bright red as he yells, “SHUT UP, IT WAS A GIFT FROM KAKASHI.”

Silence. “A gift…from…Kakashi?” Ino said slowly, breaking the tense silence. Man, you would not believe the fucking look on Iruka’s face as we all stood in silence. Then we all started to laugh. “God, you finally come out with it Iruka!” I say between my fits of laughter, “You and Kakashi aren’t exactly quiet when you sneak in and do the naughty-naughty in your room, WHICH IS RIGHT ACROSS THE HALL FROM MINE.” Iruka’s face got redder and he ran up the basement steps in a huff.

We all climbed up the steps with our instruments (except for the drum set which was left there) and stuffed them in the closet before going to the door. “Geez what took you so long, Fishcake?” I grin, “Whatever Ninetails. What are you here for anyway?” Kyuubi rummages through a bag before taking out a shiny DVD. “LORD OF THE RINGS THE TWO TOWERS!” He screams. He lets himself in, and it’s then that I see who’s with him. The prick, Sai. I glare at him. What business does he have letting his pansy ass into my house?! I growl. Kyuubi turns to me and grins, “Be nice Naru, he’s my friend and I want you to be nice to him.” I roll my eyes. Why should I be nice to a prick? God, it’s not like he’s nice to me! Then the prick speaks, “I’ll be nice if you’re nice, flat-chest.” I look down at my breasts, they aren’t melons, but they aren’t non-existent! And at least they aren’t all “IN YO FACE FOOL “ like Sakura’s. I glare at Sai, “Fine then, dickless (AN: IRONY, HAH!)” Sai leers at me and smiles, “Oh don’t worry, I have one, would you like to see?”

“EWWW, NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!” I say as I storm into the house. Sai, still smiling follows me into the living room where Ino, Kyuubi and Kiba were setting up the movie. “I-I’m g-g-g-going to c-c-call T-t-ten-ten.” I grin at her, “And don’t forget Rock Lee.” Hinata rolls her eyes, “Wh-wh-who w-w-w-would?” “Well you better hurry!” Kyuubi says. It’s then that Ten-ten with her arms wrapped around Rock Lee walks into the living room. We all stare at her. “What? Bad timing?” Ten-ten asks. “No actually, extremely good timing.” Ino replies.

“Whatever, the movie’s starting!” Kyuubi squealed (guys can squeal?). And sure enough the movie had started. We all sat down simultaneously as we watched Gimli, Legolas, and Aragorn track Merriadoc and Pippin. Iruka gave us a bowl of popcorn before he flitted up towards the bedroom. No doubt to have phone sex with Kakashi or something.

“HEY HEY, MAKE SURE TO PUT ON A PHONE CONDOM!” I yell up the stairs. “Wh-wh-what?!?!” Iruka stutters out. I roll my eyes, it’s obvious.

“Ahhh, Aragorn is so hot.” Ino sighs, I smirk, “Nu-uh, LEGOLAS IS WHERE IT’S AT.” TenTen nods her head in agreement as Hinata just blushes and stutters. “I-I-I-I p-p-prefer G-g-gimli.” “WHOA, HINATA. Aiming a little low there….literally.” TenTen says grinning like mad. “I THINK IT’S YOUTHFUL OF HINATA-CHAN TO LIKE THE UNDERDOG! THE ONE THAT WORKS HARD. YOOOOUUUUTHHHH!!!!”

And well, we all know who said that. Kyuubi shakes his head, “Nu-uh, I heard that Merry is the one packing it, if you know what I mean.” He said nudging me with his elbow. “…..Gollum.” is all Sai says. And we all laugh, I mean, seriously, Gollum? I would’ve expected him to say Gandalf more than Gollum. Sai just stares. He obviously doesn’t know how to interact with others. Poor him. “I feel sorry for you, Sai.” I blurt out. And everything seemed to pause as they all turned to stare at me. No shit, like the world stopped and they all rotated their bodies to face me.

So I start to explain myself. “Well, you’re socially awkward, your smiles are fake stop shitting us we can all tell, you constantly insult people, you carry around a weird book labeled “Emotions For The Emotionless” I mean, what the crap, seriously, and to top it all off, you’re an asshole to compensate for the dick you’ll never have.” “Ouch.” TenTen says. “Yeah dude, that was way to harsh.” “Whatever, it needed to be said. And I said it, like it’s a big deal that someone calls him out on his faults.” Kyuubi suddenly hugs me, “MY BABY IS GROWING UP.” “I know right, the years just fly by.” “But you still need to apologize to Sai!” “I REFUSE.” “Really?” “Yes, really.” “Then we have to do it the hard way.”

They all stand up at the same time and like it was rehearsed and they push me and Sai into a closet. Damn them all. “Well this sucks.” I whisper. Sai smiles down at me, and what’s odd is, it doesn’t seem fake. “I don’t mind it at all, I’m sitting in a closet with one of the most interesting and pretty girls I know.” I blush, “Pretty?” “Sure, beautiful.” “Why are you calling me this when you were calling me mean names earlier?” Sai looks at me seriously, “The book said that sometimes when a person likes another person they tease them.” “Oh really?” “Chapter 41, Romance.”

Wow, I didn’t know Sai could be this nice. I smile up at him and he leans down and our lips brush momentarily. It’s nice and soft, yet mind-blowing. This is what a first kiss should be like. Not some stupid accidental thing that caused the touching of the lips between two people. We pull apart, both very inexperienced in the love-making department. Wait, how could he be inexperienced if he didn’t have his tails and ears. I peer up at him, “Sai? What was it like…losing your tails and ears?” “Rough and unemotional.” “Sounds exciting.” “Not really, it wasn’t special, just a girl and me who were both tired with our ears and tails so the deed was done.” “What about you know….like pleasure?” Sai looks down at me, “Well not as pleasurable as a first time should be.” He leans down again. “Hold the lips lover-boy. I’m not sure about this yet, but I like you and you’re hot, so that’s working out in your favor.” Sai nods, “I understand….sort of, tell me when you’re ready?” “If I’m ever ready.” I mumble. “Don’t worry, it will just take a couple of weeks…or months…or YEARS. Geez, why haven’t you been laid yet?” “SHUT UP!” I bang on the door, “We’re ready to come out now.”

Kyuubi swings open the door and grins, “So did you apologize and have great sex?” “No.” “Good because NO ONE NEEDS TO GROW UP FAST.”

Quick Interlude With The Sex Squad

That’s right kids; you should never be in a hurry to grow up. Especially where being intimate is concerned, children these days want to be adults. But they don’t know what being an adult means. It means bills, work, and kids. That’s right, kids of your own. That’s why you should never have sex until you’re ready, or better yet, hold it until you’re married. Now this doesn’t mean you marry the first person that gets your….anatomy worked up now. Marriage is a sacred thing and you should never marry for sex, it goes against the bible and Jesus. You don’t want to get Jesus mad, now do you? (-insert head nod-) Good, that being said, if you can’t wait until marriage be sure to use the magical thing they call a condom.

But condoms can’t protect against the diseases that come with having sex. Like ear-loss or cherrypoposis, these are serious conditions that need to be taken into consideration when you have sex. And be sure to be vaccinated and checked up regularly. Remember if you get pregnant, there’s no turning back, abortion is against religion and Jesus and is very similar to murder. Now run along and go to those crazy parties, but remember this talk.

Interlude Over

Okay so I have a couple words to add to that.

“What…the fuck?”

Ino blinks, “It’s weird being cut off like that.” “Yeah,” Kyuubi agrees, “You know Tarra, that was uncalled for and I’m hurt because now I can’t remember what funny thing I was going to say!” “Yeah, and that’s a load of bull you know? Sounds like those guys are 40 year old virgins.” “You know, Juno turned out okay, I don’t really see the point.”

……………………………………………………………………………………….

Naruto: Honestly? You had to involve the Sex Squad? That doesn’t even sound like a group against sex, it sounds like…an orgy or something!

Tarra: I know, I’m sorry, are you guys okay?

Paladin-kris: Yeah I’m fine, just bleeding from my bloody ears!

Tarra: Good to know.

Reviews= LOVE LOVE LOVE and an orgasm.

I’m aiming to get over 1000 reviews on this story.

I know I’m shooting for the moon, but yeah.