|Cleanup On Aisle One
Author: Red Witch PM
The Brotherhood goes grocery shopping.Rated: Fiction K - English - Humor - Words: 3,582 - Reviews: 19 - Favs: 14 - Follows: 1 - Published: 10-11-01 - Status: Complete - id: 431859
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: Not mine, not even this idea I had. I thought I'd put my own spin on a popular idea, What if the Brotherhood went shopping for groceries? This takes place shortly after the episode "Bada Bing, Bada Boom," so if you haven't been paying attention to the episodes, shame on you.
"Man look at this place!" Pietro whistled. "It's huge!"
"Wow!" Fred's eyes sparkled with joy. "I've never been in a fancy supermarket before!"
"Yes guys we have arrived," Lance strode in proudly. "This is the kinda supermarket rich people shop at. No gum on the floor. No sticky spots either. No moldy stuff in the bakery department. Everything you see here is the cream of the crop. I'll bet you they even have caviar here someplace!"
"Ahhhh," Tabitha breathed. "I love the smell of baked goods in the morning!"
"Boom Boom, it's the afternoon," Lance told her.
"Whatever," she shrugged.
"Hey guys! Look at this!" Todd waved excitedly. "Check out the wheels on this cart. They don't wobble!"
"You're kidding!" Fred exclaimed. They all came over to inspect the cart. Fred rolled it back and forth. "Wow. I've never seen that before. And look, it's so shiny. Like a brand new car."
"This one's the same too!" Pietro chirped grabbing a second one.
"Well duh," Tabitha slapped her head. "You guys didn't really think they had shopping carts like that in fancy places like this did ya? When they get dinged up they send them over to all the other grocery stores. Didn't know you were shopping with hand-me downs did you?"
"I did not know that," Pietro said.
"Somebody pinch me," Fred sighed lovingly stroking the shopping cart. "I must be dreaming."
"Hey Lance, don't get me wrong, it's great that we're here but why are we using the money that Mystique left in her closet on groceries?" Asked Todd. "And a fancy shmancy grocery store like this too?"
"Listen, finding that money was a windfall," Lance explained. "And what better way to use it to stock up on groceries. But the good kind. The best kind! We deserve to eat like kings every once and a while! We have enough money, why not? We have plenty!"
"And groceries are something we all can use," Tabitha told them. "You know you may all keep thanking me for allowing you boys to have the cash. I could have kept it after all; it is my room now. But I thought I might as well be neighborly and share it with all of you. I wonder where she got all that cash though?"
"Yeah the Boss Lady musta held up a bank or something," Todd nodded. "It's the only place I can think of where she got it! Whoa. Look how shiny those apples are!"
"Now no stealing Toad!" Lance warned. "For once. Okay!"
"Aw alright! I'll be good." Todd put on his best innocent look.
"I love it here!" Fred sighed as he looked around. "I could live here! Look! Look! Recipe cards! Free Recipe cards! Oh I gotta get some for my collection!"
While Fred was squealing with delight he stuffed several cards in his pockets. "I want this one, and that one, and this one here, ooh and that one there…Spinach? Forget this one! I don't want that one. But I do want this one! And this one here!"
"Pietro!" Lance hissed, "I said no stealing!"
Pietro was zipping around snatching food and eating with his super speed. "I'm just sampling!"
"Yeah lighten up Lancey," Tabitha munched on a grape. "Might as well make sure what we're getting is fresh."
"And I want this one here. Oh I just got that one. Hey! There's more over there!" Fred happily dove into another set of recipe cards.
"Hey look at this!" Todd grabbed something off one of the produce shelves and hid behind a stand. He took out something green and leafy and made it dance around like a puppet. "Lettuce entertain you! Get it! Ha!"
"Toddykins," Tabitha laughed. "I don't carrot what others say you are one funny guy."
Todd grabbed two ears of corn and held them to his head. "Keep talking Tabby! I'm all ears!"
"Oh brother," Lance groaned. "Let's just start getting stuff okay?"
"Hey Lance this one teaches you how to carve a basket out of a watermelon!" Fred said excitedly.
"Will you get over here!" Lance called them all together in a huddle. "Listen; let's split up. Freddy and I will take the produce and baked goods. Pietro, Tabitha and Toad get the paper stuff, mouthwash and soap, cereal, and drinks. We'll meet at the meat department and we'll tackle the frozen foods all together. Ready! Break!"
"Right! Let's win this game!"
They separated and took off. "Toad wait up!" Pietro shouted as Todd sailed on the shopping cart.
"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" He laughed as he rode on the cart, his hair flying wildly.
"Aw man I gotta try that!" Tabitha said.
"No way, it's my turn next!" Pietro said.
"Is not! Ladies first!"
"What does that have to do with you?"
Lance shook his head and laughed as the three of them went their merry way. "Oh life has certainly gotten more interesting with her around. Hey! Fred! Come back here!"
"Ooh," Fred was practically drooling at a table nearby. "Free food samples!"
"Fred don't eat them all!" Lance rolled his eyes as Fred grabbed a handful and stuffed them into his mouth.
"Yum. Gooooood," Fred sighed. "Come on Lance, try some of this stuff!"
"You mean you actually left some for other people?" Lance munched on the sample. "Hmmm. Wonder what it is?"
He nearly spat out his food. "Ostrich burgers? We're eating ostrich burgers?!"
"Hmmm," Fred thought. "Not bad. Sorta tastes like chicken."
"Oh Freddy you'll eat anything," Lance felt a little green.
"Oh don't be such a baby," Fred told him. "An ostrich is a bird right? Think of it as an overgrown chicken. I'm gonna get some."
"Fine Freddy, you do that," Lance mumbled. "I'm gonna find a place to be sick."
Down a few aisles, the other three residents of the Brotherhood house were getting some things of their own. "Okay, let's see," Todd took inventory as he followed his friends down another aisle. "We got soda, diet soda, ginger ale, orange soda, cherry flavored soda, lime flavored soda, root beer and some kinda fizzy flavored water. Got all kinds of stuff here! Hey guys what you got?"
"Here's some soap Toad," Pietro said. "Hint. Hint."
"Funny Quickie. Funny."
"Look! It's that mango scented shampoo! Oooh! I love this stuff!" Tabitha squealed.
"Hey look, coconut scented!" Pietro said happily. "Let's get this one!"
"No! We're getting mango!" Tabitha said.
"You're both nuts yo,"
"Quiet Toad!" They both shouted at him.
"Fine, let's ask Lancey! Let him decide!" She took off.
"We'll do that!" Pietro went after her. Todd shook his head.
"Man, I can't believe those two. All hyped up over some stupid shampoo," He looked at the shelf and picked up a bottle. He unscrewed the top and sniffed it. "Hmmm. Apple. I like it."
The PA system hummed to life. "Cleanup on aisle one."
"Fred I told you not to pick the bottom apples!" Lance grumbled as they scurried away from the mess Fred created.
"Sorry," Fred apologized sheepishly.
"Oh goody," Lance rolled his eyes. "Here come the terrible twosome."
"Pietro slow down!" Lance stopped him. "Now what are you two arguing about this time?"
"I want mango scented shampoo but he wants the coconut one," Tabitha pouted. "Please can we get the mango one? Please Lancykins? For me?"
"No way!" Pietro shoved her aside. "Tell her that batting her eyes isn't going to work this time and we are getting the coconut!"
"I don't like coconut!" Tabitha shoved him aside and made a face.
"Well I don't want my hair smelling like mangoes!"
"Hey I like this apple smell here," Todd came up to the group.
"No!" Both Tabitha and Pietro shouted at him.
"Oh no!" Lance heard a groan. "What are they doing here!"
"Summers," Lance hissed under his breath. He turned around and saw the X-men with Xavier. "What's he doing here? I thought guys like him never set foot inside shopping marts. Doesn't he have servants to go get him stuff? Oh wait, that's you guys isn't it?"
"Tabitha, what are you doing with them?" Kurt asked. "Those guys are nothing but trouble!"
"So am I, Blue," Tabitha explained. "Okay, they may not be the most cultured guys in the world, but they do have their perks." She smiled and teasingly traced a finger around Lance's jaw. Lance blushed. Kitty and Kurt glared at him.
"Oh I get the picture," Kitty sneered.
"Uh wait a minute, Kitty," Lance sputtered. "It's not like that! Really, I…"
"Lance, you don't have to explain anything to me!" Kitty grabbed an astounded Kurt by the hand. "Come on Kurt, let's get some cereal!" She took off dragging Kurt behind.
"Kitty…" Lance moaned.
"I thought you guys stole all your food!" Rogue snapped.
"Hey we've got cash!" Todd snapped. "We just don't believe in wasting it that's all!"
"Yeah our money's just as good as yours!" Fred puffed out his chest.
"You mean stolen don't you?" Rogue snipped.
"There's no proof of that," Todd began.
"I wouldn't be surprised," Rogue said. "That's why she left to go to them. She's just a big a thief as they are!"
"Excuse me?" Tabitha said. "What did you say?"
"You heard me," Rogue glared.
"Ha! Well I also heard a lot about you Skunky, and you aren't exactly one to talk now are you?" Tabitha sneered.
"Why you little…"
"Rouge!" Xavier cautioned her. "Tabitha, come home."
"Like I said before, thanks but…I kinda fit in with them for now, y'know?"
"Yeah so nyahh nyahh nyahh!" Todd stuck out his tongue. "How's it feel to have somebody leave you guys for a change?"
"Yeah, Boom Boom may be nuts but she's a lot more fun than you ever were Rogue!" Pietro said.
"Guys quit it!" Tabitha said. "We're not gonna stand around here and be insulted! Come on gentlemen, we have some shopping to do!"
The Brotherhood all harrumphed at the same time and put their noses in the air, following Tabitha. "Now that was plain rude!" she snapped.
"Yeah those guys think that they're so much better than us," Todd sniffed.
"You know," Tabitha gave a wicked smile. "I think those guys need to lighten up. What do you say we have a little fun?"
"I like the way you think," Lance smiled. "Let's do it!"
They all split up. Todd sneaked around and grabbed a couple of tomatoes. "Hey Fuzzy!" He threw them. "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!"
"TOAD!" Kurt snarled as he brushed off the mess.
Todd hopped away laughing. He saw some free samples. He snared them with his tongue. "Hmmm. Sorta tastes like chicken."
Lance snuck behind Scott. He saw a huge candy bar display. He used his powers to shake the floor and have the entire display fall on top of Scott. He was buried under hundreds of candy bars.
"Not going anywhere for a while?" Lance laughed.
"Cleanup on aisle five," the PA system said.
Jean and Rogue were picking out some ears of corn, unaware that a tiny energy blast had managed to be placed inside. The next thing both girls knew, they were covered in popcorn.
"That girl is really starting to get on my nerves," Rogue said.
Lance prowled the aisles, looking for more X-Men to play with. He saw Kitty. "Hey Kitty, wait a second," Lance called out to her. She turned around and glared at him. "Look, I know what you're thinking, but you've got it all wrong. There's nothing going on between Tabby and me! We're just pals, that's all!"
"Lancey! There you are!" Tabitha grabbed Lance from behind and gave him a big hug. "Come on, we gotta a lot of stuff to do."
"Don't let me keep you," Kitty told him, her voice like ice.
"Kitty we gotta…" Kurt ran over. "Lance…Tabitha?"
"Hey Blue!" Tabitha let go of Lance and kissed Kurt on the cheek. "How's it shaking?"
"Uh…Tabby?" Kurt flustered.
"See I told you!" Lance happily pointed out.
"Why don't you go shake somewhere else?" Kitty snarled grabbing Tabitha's arm.
Tabitha pulled free and made a face. "Hey Kit-Kat! Lighten up!" She pulled out a cheese whiz spray can and squirted her. Unfortunately Kitty phased at just the right moment so that the spray harmlessly passed right through her and onto Lance.
Tabitha laughed, until Kitty grabbed some cheese whiz of her own. She began spraying both Kurt and Tabitha.
"Okay, if it's a fight you want," Tabitha told her. "Banzai!"
"Hey! Watch the fur! Okay that's it!" Kurt grabbed his own can and was promptly sprayed by Lance before he had a chance to use it.
"HA!" Lance said, and then was hit with three sprays of cheese. "Okay! This is war!" With a battle cry he and the others chased each other up and down the aisles.
"Cheese whiz all over aisle ten," The PA voice announced. "And aisle eleven."
"Hey Daniels! Got milk?" Pietro cackled as he zipped behind Evan and dumped a whole gallon of milk and sped away.
"Clean up on Aisle 15."
"I knew I should have stayed home," Xavier moaned as he witnessed the chaos around him. He felt something cold on his head. Dribbles of whipped cream fell on his face.
"Hey Professor!" Todd called out from above. "How'd you like my whipped cream toupee? He! He!"
"I definitely should have stayed home," Xavier frowned as Todd hopped away.
"Food Fight!" Fred chucked two cartons of eggs at Jean. She easily deflected them. However, she didn't see Pietro zipping behind her and before she knew it, she was splattered with a tomato.
"Red is your color," Pietro laughed. "Whoa!" He dodged a tomato. "Too slow!"
"That's it!" Scott growled. "X-Men take them down!"
"Whoa!" Pietro said as he dodged an eye beam. "No fair! Food only!"
"Fine!" Scott hit a couple of cartons of milk. Pietro slipped and slid straight into Todd.
"Clean up on aisle nine. And ten, and eight. And oh for crying out loud there's food flying everywhere! I am outta here!"
A few hours later, the occupants of the Brotherhood house finally returned home. Tabitha happily went inside the house first. She didn't seem to mind being covered in produce.
"Man that was fun! Hey I'm gonna go take a shower! You guys put the stuff away okay? Bye!" Tabitha cheerfully skipped upstairs. The exhausted boys dragged themselves behind her.
"So who won this time?" Fred sighed as he dumped a couple of bags worth of groceries.
"Well," Lance brushed some food off of him. "Let's see. We trashed the store. Both sides got pelted pretty good with food. We didn't get a chance to pay for this stuff. Kitty's still mad at me. The X-Geeks chased us away…. I'd say it was a draw."
"Hey look at the bright side," Pietro told him. "We got all the food for free and no one knows it was us thanks to Xavier."
"And I got some great recipe cards!" Fred held up his collection.
"I hit Fuzzy with a tomato!" Todd giggled.
"Yeah but they had to cover our butts again which means that's another thing they're going to lord over us," Lance sighed.
"Hey they started it!" Fred said. "If they hadn't called us those names we wouldn't have had to retaliate."
"They still chased us away," Lance grumbled.
"They did not chase us away!" Pietro told him. "It was a strategic retreat! Besides, We still managed to get a lot of food and save all that money we found for another day! We got away with it! Lighten up."
"I suppose you're right," Lance sighed. "I wonder how Xavier explained all the damage we did?"
Meanwhile back at the mansion, Kurt came out of the shower for the second time that afternoon. "I think I finally got all that stuff out of my fur!" He moaned. "Remind me to kill Toad next time I see him."
"I can't believe we let those yahoos get away with all that food!" Rogue pouted. "I knew they weren't gonna pay for it."
"We had no choice Rogue," Xavier sighed as he turned on the television. He was wearing an ice pack on his head.
"A freak tornado hit the new grocery mart today," The newscaster announced and kept on describing the details from "eyewitnesses."
"Chuck, we gotta do something about those kids," Logan said. "This is the second time within two months you nearly overloaded your brain while cleaning up their mess!"
"How about sending them to the moon?" Scott grumbled.
"Not far enough," Kurt grumbled. "Jupiter is better."
"I need an aspirin," Xavier moaned.