i

“This isn’t fair,” Neku is saying, his voice cracking. “This isn’t what I wanted.”

“A game’s a game,” Joshua, shrugs his shoulders magnanimously. “You lost.”

“But I was with Shiki,” Neku’s voice is pained, and the raw emotion contained within it is nearly tangible. “I was with Shiki, and Beat, and Rhyme, and Eri, and then I was here…”

Joshua shrugs again, fastening the collar around Neku’s neck; Neku shivers involuntarily as Joshua’s fingers brush sensitive skin.

“In this case, your entry fee wasn’t life per se…it was your freedom. Interesting, isn’t it? You get to live in the RG during the day. You can visit your friends. But when the day is done, you belong to me.”

“What am I?” Neku says, pawing at the collar uncomfortably, anger fresh on his face. “A Reaper? A Player? Or your sex slave?” Joshua chuckles at the last one.

“Neither, really. You’re a little bit of both – a Player with no game to play, a Reaper with no duties – and you’re not my slave. Unless you’d like to be?”

“Definitely not!” Neku hisses, and Joshua doesn’t think he’s ever seen such unadulterated hatred before.

“Don’t be so angry, Neku. It’s not very becoming.” With another giggle, Joshua is gone, leaving Neku alone with his rage.

ii

The first few days, Neku tries to escape. Joshua finds it amusing, to watch as Neku learns that resisting the pull of the UG isn’t as easy as he’d wish. It hurts. Joshua knows from experience - the feeling of having your frequency forcefully tuned down, cell by cell, as your body disintegrates has caused greater men that Neku to howl with agony.

It takes him days to recover, only to try again and again. Joshua has to admit, his resolve is laudable. After the second time, Neku seems to understand, because he doesn’t try to run away again. When he’s with Shiki, and he has to leave, he just smiles and waves and quickly walks away. To disappear out of her view, Joshua realizes. He doesn’t want Shiki to know.

“What about my parents?” Neku asks, his voice a mixture of hatred and resignation. “They think I’m dead. I can hardly visit them now, can I?”

“No, Neku,” Joshua says, tone thoughtful. “I suppose you can’t. Maybe you should have pulled that trigger after all, hmm?”

“I wish I had,” Neku snaps suddenly, and Joshua distantly thinks that Neku’s words can hurt more than any bullet could.

“Don’t hate me,” Joshua says, and he smirks. “Hate your weakness. People are weak creatures, Neku, and none of us are worth forgiving. None of us are worth absolving. You should have shot me. You should have known better.”

“Don’t lump yourself in with me,” Neku hisses, and his next words burn like acid. “You’re not human.”

“Neither are you,” Joshua says with a smile, and Neku makes a strangled noise in his throat before turning on heel and storming out.

iii

Joshua goes to the RG to retrieve him, one day. Shiki and Beat and Rhyme are long gone – exams, Neku says dully, when questioned. They have to study.

Neku is sitting in Ken Doi’s ramen shop looking worse for wear. It’s only when Joshua sits next to him that he notices Neku has been crying.

“Neku,” he says, and Neku looks at him. For the first time, his gaze is void of all hatred. He looks tired, Joshua thinks, and wonders vaguely if this will break Neku. Turn him into a husk of all things that he had been, that Joshua had admired.

“Another game?” Neku asks – rasps, really. “Can I play another game?”

“No. Your third week was your last. I can’t break anymore rules for you.”

“Liar!” Neku says, and he hits the counter top loud enough to cause Ken to look up at them. “What about the last game? Something like that? Can I play something like that?” Joshua can’t help but shiver. The desperation in Neku’s voice hurts, like some immutable, tangible being clawing at his skin. Does Neku really hate him that much?

“That game was part-and-parcel to your third week,” Joshua begins, but Neku is yelling “Bullshit!” and then he’s sobbing, and Joshua doesn’t know what to do.

Awkwardly, he puts his arms around Neku, and Neku doesn’t push him away. Instead he buries himself into Joshua’s chest and cries. Ken clears his throat awkwardly, then vanishes into the kitchen, as Joshua rubs slow circles on Neku’s back.

When Neku is done crying, he pulls away from Joshua, embarrassed and Joshua decides not to say anything about it. Instead, as Ken brings them their ramen, Joshua says, “This one’s on me,” with a nod in Ken’s direction.

When they’re finished, they walk together. The sun is beginning to set, staining the sky deep orange. Like the orange of Neku’s hair, Joshua muses. Neku doesn’t say anything, so neither does Joshua. Sometimes, it’s just best to let things be. Then Neku turns, nods, and disappears, and Joshua can only follow.

iv

Joshua is almost asleep when he feels a weight settle onto his bed.

“Are you awake?” Neku’s voice asks, a hoarse whisper from somewhere in the dark.

“Now I am,” Joshua tries to sound annoyed as he sits up. “What’s wrong Neku? Did you have a nightmare?”

His voice is teasing, tone light, and it’s meant to be a joke, but Neku shifts and says, “Something like that,” and then he says, “I’m tired of being alone,” and Joshua moves over to let Neku in.

“I’m your’s?” Neku asks, his breath passing over Joshua’s ear, and Joshua exhales, surprised at how close Neku is.

“Until I die,” Joshua lilts.

“What happens then?”

“You become a Reaper, I suppose. Or maybe you have more of a choice.”

“I don’t want that,” Neku says, and Joshua feels him shift closer. Neku’s knees are touching the backs of Joshua’s thighs, and his hair is tickling the back of Joshua’s neck.

“You want this?” Joshua asks, half amused, half astounded.

“Better than a Reaper,” Neku snorts. “Better than being completely alone.”

It’s almost a good enough answer; Joshua’s hopes inflate and deflate simultaneously.

“But why the collar?” Neku is asking, distractedly.

“My pet,” Joshua says in a sing-song voice.

“Ah,” Neku says, and then slowly, unsubtly, Neku is draping an arm over Joshua’s waist. Joshua’s breath hitches. “I see.”

Joshua rolls over to face Neku. Neku’s breath is hot on his cheek. Joshua gingerly puts his arm around Neku, as if expecting him to get up and leave. He pulls him close, enjoying the solid warmth of Neku’s body pressed against his. Neku shifts his head, then gently lowers his mouth onto Joshua’s neck. Joshua hisses in surprise, arching away.

“Why the change of heart, Neku?” Joshua says, well aware of how breathy his voice sounds.

“Tonight,” Neku breathes into Joshua’s collarbone. “Tonight, I need you to be all I have.”

“Only tonight?” Joshua breathes.

“Maybe,” Neku says, teasingly, and then he’s doing something with his hands and Joshua can’t ask anything else, even if he had wanted to.

v

Joshua wakes up and Neku is asleep still, head on his chest.

Neku is usually gone at the crack of dawn. “To spend as much time as I can in the real world,” Neku had snapped, when Joshua had asked why.

He’s not anxious to have to deal with Neku today. Whatever happened last night was, Joshua thinks, probably temporary. Probably meaningless. That’s not what he wants from Neku. But right now, Neku’s asleep, and Joshua can’t help but think that he’s beautiful, even if he does hate him. The emotion catches him off guard – this vulnerability, this want for Neku to hate him a little less, but almost as soon as he notices, it’s gone again, and Joshua is left feeling empty and weak.

vi

“Why is it that you can never stay here Neku?” Shiki is asking. She’s pulled Neku away from the gang; Beat is skateboarding, and Rhyme is applauding, and so it’s easy for her to get Neku alone.

Neku just sighs, shakes his head, and smiles sadly. It’s the same smile she’s seen on him a lot recently. Like something is missing. It worries her.

“Do you remember my final game with Joshua, Shiki?”

vii

“Shiki is ready to kill you,” Neku says one night, and he’s laughing – actually laughing – for the first time it what feels like forever.

“What did I do?” Joshua asks, face a picture of innocence.

“You took me away,” Neku is grinning like a cheshire chat. Then he says, more seriously, “Could Shiki win my freedom back?”

Joshua sighs, tapping his chin thoughtfully.

“It’s possible. If it was a valid entry fee, of course.”

Neku shifts, looking uncomfortable, and Joshua waits for the familiar sting of Neku’s words.

“I don’t know if I want her to. Would I still be able to be here if she did?”

Joshua shrugs, hopes he has what looks like an indifferent look on his face.

“I doubt it. You’d be a normal person again. You wouldn’t be able to change your frequency.”

“Ah,” Neku says, and then he has that distant look in his eyes, the look that Joshua has grown to hate.

“Would you stay?” Joshua asks, surprising both himself and Neku.

“I don’t know,” Neku says, and Joshua nods. He’d expected that.

viii

Neku’s in his bed again. Joshua doesn’t even feign sleep this time.

“You’ve changed,” Neku says, drawing Joshua close.

“So have you,” Joshua says into Neku’s shirt.

“I know. I think I…forgive you a little more. Hate you a little less.”

Joshua has to take a breath. He feels light headed. Stupid, stupid, he chides himself. For getting so attached to Neku. For letting Neku’s words – because that’s all they are, words, words, words – get to him. For letting his own emotions spiral out of control. Stupid, and weak.

“I’m glad.”

Neku laughs, quiet and short, but Joshua feels the rumble through his chest.

“I didn’t think you’d care,” Neku says, pulling away. His face is shrouded in darkness, and Joshua can’t see him – or read his expression.

“I’m not as heartless as you think,” Joshua lilts, laughing. He can see the corners of Neku’s mouth curl into a smile.

“I know.”

Then Neku is kissing him, softly, cautiously, and Joshua realizes that he’s never kissed or been kissed by Neku.

Joshua raises a hand to Neku’s face, gently tracing the outline of his jaw, smoothing his hair back, stroking his cheek. Neku shivers under his touch, and then Joshua feels something wet on his finger tips. When they part, Neku looks up at him, and his cheeks are gleaming with tears.

ix

“I can’t leave,” Neku is saying, and Shiki sighs. She fidgets with Mr. Mew, sliding her glasses up the bridge of her nose.

“Why not? You can’t just stay. He murdered you! I’ll do anything it takes Neku, I mean it.”

“It’s not that,” Neku says, and coughs awkwardly. Shiki looks at him, confused.

“I don’t want to leave.”