I like this part, it was a lot of fun to write. I don't know why I enjoy inner-thought theatres so much. I guess I realized that I haven't written much from Yuki's perspective in this fic, so here's my take on his thoughts during volume 22 of the manga, just before he calls her to arrange a meeting with her (so spoiler alert for V.22, I guess) I'd love to hear what you guys think of this part, j'adore hearing your feedback :) Ooh, advanced warning: This part's sappy enough to make a tree blush...

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Fruits Basket. That's the lovely Natsuki Takaya's exclusive privilege.

Freefall

I know the danger all too well. It makes my stomach flip just to think about it. I want to tell you, tell you so many things, but would you want to listen? I hope some of the words I speak would make you love me, but more would make you hate me.

I see you. I watch you. You struggle through, trying to survive the real world. Could I be so unforgivably selfish as to throw what you think of as ‘reality’ into question? If I told you, if I showed you the secret, the curse, could I really expect you to not hate me? To not fear me? I can see you don’t view the world like most people. You’re breathtakingly perceptive. But could I burden you with my curse? Surely then, it would become a curse for you, too.

Those children, my friends, from when I was only little, they had to have their memories erased, because of what I accidentally showed them. They didn’t know me after that. We weren’t friends anymore. I was left with an aching hole, as if something had been stolen from me. Maybe it had. I’d been left with less than I had started with. Could I go through that again, with you? Even if you didn’t forget, maybe you’d reject me completely. I don’t know which would be worse.

For so many months I’ve watched Honda-san and the Cat. I’ve played it out in my mind. We could be like that. They’re separate bodies, but their souls and hearts are intertwined. Do they know everything about each other? Probably not, but they know enough. They know what’s important, and their hearts are ever-open to learn more. Maybe we could have that too, if not for this curse. That’s where Kyo is at the advantage. Honda-san knows. She’s known for so long, yet never once has she judged any one of us because of it. It hasn’t tainted her view of us or the world. He has nothing to hide from her anymore. He’ll never have to see shock, fear, accusation in her eyes because of him, because of what he is. For that, I’m eternally jealous of the downtrodden Cat.

So here I sit, alone in the house that was, until recently, bustling with life. My phone sits on the table in front of me. It wouldn’t take a moment. A quick search through my phonebook, though I’m well on my way to knowing your number by heart, and the deed would be done. But once I’ve done it, I can’t undo it, and that frightens me into the indecisive rut I’m bogged down in.

Is it worth the risk? It’s going to be all or nothing. There couldn’t be a middle ground. If it falls through, we couldn’t go back to the relationship we have now. We’d both be acting, holding onto a friendship that was destroyed by fear and rejection. Neither of us would want to live through that. If it’s rejection, it would be better to not see each other again. We’d pass in the corridor in my last few weeks of school. We’d avoid direct conversation during the student council. Then I would leave, and that would be it. Years from now, maybe you’d still look back, and remember me, but I would just be a memory then. No more real than an actor playing a part on TV. Is taking this risk worth all that?

Maybe you’d be offended by me thinking of you this way. Maybe I’m underestimating you. You’re very different from Honda-san in so many ways, but maybe, at the core, there are similarities. You have a real kindness, you see beyond what meets the eye.

I don’t know if I should let myself think about what could happen. If I showed you and… somehow, sometime, you came to accept to. To accept me. Could that happen? After a lifetime of always knowing that my true self would be strange, frightening, repulsive to others, to have someone accept me to the point of choosing me over all others to lend their heart to… I want that. I want to bear my true self out, open and vulnerable, to you, and with everything I have, I hope that you’ll find a way to accept it. To accept me. To want me as well.

I pick up my phone, and find your name. I press the green ‘call’ button, and there’s no going back. I don’t want to. I have to do this. Give myself this chance.

As the phone rings rhythmically. Once. Twice. Again. I know that I’m falling, falling without support and without wings now. I’ve truly pushed myself over the edge, and I won’t be able to climb back up. But I’m willing to take this risk. You’re my gravity, pulling me fast. You have insurmountable power over me now, from the moment when you answer your phone with your cautionary “Hello?” that makes my heart skip a beat. You can let me fall full impact, kill me stone dead as I hit the ground, or you can let me fall steadily, let me land safe. However you react, whether your heart allows me in or not, it’s irreversible that I’ve fallen in love.