Now I'm having trouble differentiating between what I want and what I need to make meHappySo instead of thinking I just act before I have a chance to contemplate the consequence of
Action
Stablio, 'Flawed Design'

I am a man of constant sorrow
I've seen trouble all my days
Traditional Earthen Folk Song, 'Man of Constant Sorrow'

10/08/02

8:13 AM

"Craters," Buzz muttered.

He glanced down at the dashboard clock. The work day started at 8:00, which would make XR a full thirteen minutes late. And he, like everyone else on the team, was usually here a few minutes early.

He pressed his lips together and drummed his fingers on the armrest. Beside him, Mira squirmed in her seat.

"Where is he?" she wondered.

"I've been meaning to have a talk with him..." Buzz said. "Now would be as good a time as any..."

"Yeah, but he's not here, Buzz," Booster said, wide-eyed.

Buzz rolled his eyes. "Yes, I meant when he does get here."

"Oh."

Mira sighed and propped her cheek in her hand. "Buzz, I'm getting really worried about him. Something's wrong."

Buzz nodded. "Agreed, but he won't talk about it."

"Which is... unusual, seeing as how... he's not really the close-mouthed type, you could say," she said, folding her arms across her chest and looking away.

"Do you think he's sick?" Booster said, wide-eyed.

"Huh," Mira said, rolling her eyes. "No, Booster, we'd know if he was sick. No, no... either he went and did something stupid, or that girlfriend he keeps talking about..."

"What about her?" Booster asked, frowning.

"Well, 42 could be pretty harsh," Mira said. "Remember how she and XR started fighting all the time before she transferred? I'm just kinda worried his taste in women hasn't gotten any smarter."

There was a clattering noise near the back of the bridge.

Buzz raised one eyebrow. "Speak of the devil."

XR staggered in just then, wincing and looking like he'd been run over by a lawnmower. Mira sat up a little straighter, blinking.

Buzz stood up. "XR. There you are."

"Hi, boss," he said. His tone was light and casual, but his eyes were big and wary.

"What kept you?" Buzz said.

"Me? Oh... oh nothing. Traffic. Won't happen again," he said quickly, taking his station.

Buzz's eyes narrowed and his lips pressed together. He'd be curious to see what traffic there was in the two hundred yards between XR's charging unit and the launch bay. "Traffic, huh? You've been in a lot of... traffic lately."

XR shrugged (really more an agitated hunching of the shoulders). "Yeah, well, the roads have been all clogged up,guess. I don't know."

"Are you okay?" Booster asked.

"Yeah, yeah, nothing wrong here," he said, adjusting his control panel. "Are we gonna go fight bad guys, or what?"

Now, that was a bit of a red flag, being an obvious change of subject. And people only change the subject when they want to avoid talking about something.

And, Buzz concluded, people only want to avoid talking about something when they're hiding something.

"How late have you been staying out?" he asked, initiating launch sequence.

XR frowned. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Well, it might explain why you keep coming in so late," Mira said. "What's going on, XR?"

"I already said nothing," he replied, beginning to scowl a little. "Look, there's nothing going on. Okay? How many times do I have to say it before it gets through your thick skulls?"

Now, that was what Buzz called being defensive. And more than a little insolent.

"Watch it, rookie," he said.

"Consider it watched," XR sighed.

"Look, we know something's wrong, okay?" Mira said, holding her hands out. "You come in late, you act all miserable and crabby..."

"I'm not miserable and crabby!" he whined, punching buttons on his control panel with more force than necessary.

Mira raised an eyebrow. "Uh huh. Right."

Buzz cleared his throat. "Well, anyway. We have a hit-and-run suspect to talk to on Tradeworld... and speed trap duty."

Mira and Booster both tensed up in nervous anticipation. Speed trap duty was possibly the worst purgatory their boss could inflict besides maybe Tanker Alley.

"XR, you're with me on speed trap," Buzz said, and Mira and Booster relaxed, though Booster looked a little guilty about taking pleasure from someone's misfortune.

XR jerked, blinking. "Eh? Wha?" he said groggily.

Buzz raised one eyebrow, frowning. "Were you asleep?" He wouldn't seriously...

He gave Buzz a harried look. "What? I- no! With you where?"

"Weren't you paying attention? I said we're going on speed trap duty together while Booster and Mira take the hit-and-run case on Tradeworld," he said.

XR's eyes glazed over.

"Can't I go on the hit-and-run case and Booster goes with you?" he stammered. (Booster winced.) "I mean, he's your favorite ranger anyway."

Buzz frowned, putting his hands on his hips. "XR, I do not play favorites." Though he did appreciate Booster's enthusiasm and goodwill. "You're coming with me and that's final."

"But-"

Buzz stood up. "Now get in the shuttle. We're letting Mira and Booster take the cruiser."

XR didn't appear to have heard. "Why can't both of us take the hit-and-run while-"

"XR!" Buzz snapped. XR flinched. "You're on speed trap duty with me, and we're taking the shuttle!"

XR crossed his arms over his chest, scowling. "Why can't we take the cruiser?"

"Because Booster doesn't fit in the shuttle and you know that." Booster blushed as Buzz's eyes narrowed and XR instinctively backed away a little. "Ranger, I'm not exactly thrilled with your attitude of late."

"Well- maybe I'm not thrilled with your attitude of late!" he snapped, putting his hands on his hips.

Buzz raised one eyebrow. XR looked down at his feet.

"Get in the shuttle."

"Yes, sir," he said.

12:36 PM

Inside the shuttle it was cold, and he was so close to Buzz he could smell his aftershave (horrible stuff, you could choke a horse with it) but it was nice to have a seat and a seatbelt for once. Comfy seat, too.

He gazed dully out of the passenger window. Stars. Stars. More stars. Oh look. More stars. Well that was new.

Buzz cleared his throat beside him. "XR, I don't quite know how to tell you this."

Alarm bells went off in his head. "Tell me what?" he said.

"We don't really have speed trap duty. It tears me apart lying to you like that-"

Sweet mother of Venus. Okay, stay calm. Calm.

"-but the truth is, there are some things I need to tell you," Buzz said.

"Like what?" I didn't know what I was getting into, he mentally rehearsed. Honest. I'm just as much the victim here as anyone else.

"Well, your behavior lately has me worried. And not just me, Mira and Booster as well."

"What's worrying you?"

Buzz frowned. "Well, you seem... oddly irritable lately."

Okay, it wasn't as bad as he'd thought.

"I am not irritable," he snapped, looking away out the window.

"Yes, you are," Buzz insisted. "And it's worrisome. You were never like this before."

"No, I'm fine. I'm not different at all. Maybe you're different," XR said.

Buzz raised an eyebrow. XR looked down.

"Anyway... I've scheduled an appointment for you with the LGMs this afternoon at three."

He scowled. "I don't need-"

Lo. The glimmerings of an idea. He shot a sideways glance at Buzz. "Three?"

"Yes, three."

He ran his (permanently dry) tongue over (likewise dry) lips and said "Well- geez. You couldn't ask first?"

"You'd say no."

XR huffed, rolling his eyes. "Well, gee, thanks. Three, y'said."

"Yes."

"Well... look. If I go to the appointment and they don't find anything, will you leave me alone?"

"Provided your attitude improves," Buzz said dryly and XR flinched a little. Geez. He was really mad at him.

"Fine, then. I'll go."

"All right, good." Buzz turned to gaze out the window for a moment, then he said "What say we go meet up with Mira and Booster at Cosmo's? Then we'll patrol as a full team until you leave for your appointment."

"Fine by me," he said.

1:23

He couldn't eat.

Couldn't swallow the oil in front of him, couldn't even think of nibbling on the silverware. After a few minutes he realized Booster was looking at him worriedly. Oh. Yeah. Booster wouldn't lose his appetite unless he was an inch away from death-by-exploding-head.

He pretended to take a sip and Booster looked away, satisfied.

"So," Mira said, leaning forward. "What do you guys think of that new janitor?"

"Dyna? She's been around a while," Booster said, blinking.

"No, the other guy."

"What other guy?" XR mumbled, drawing more concerned looks.

"You know, XR, the really big guy," Mira said, gesturing aimlessly.

"The really big smelly guy," Booster added, pressing into the spot on his face where most people had noses.

"Oh, yeah," XR said with a nod, staring at the table. Deciding not to accuse Booster of calling the kettle black, he said "What rock did that guy crawl out from under?"

"He made a pass at me the other day," Mira said, rolling her eyes and sipping her drink.

"Eww," Booster said, blinking.

"I know, right?" she said, leaning back. "I always get the worst guys-"

XR looked up sharply. Worst guys? What? What the heck was that supposed to mean?

Mira blushed suddenly, noticing Buzz's nonplussed expression and realizing she was talking about her love life to a group of three men. "Uh, but... but but anyway, Booster, how's your parent's new tiller working out for ya, huh?"

"Oh, it's great!" he chirped. "Productivity is way up!"

XR studied Mira from the corner of his eye, nibbling his lower lip. She was trying to look interested in Booster's story.

Well, he had more things to worry about that whether or not Mira... than that kinda stupid thing. Suddenly he stood up. "Buzz, could you let me out?"

"Why, where are you going?" he asked, frowning.

"Bathroom."

Cue weird looks.

"Do I have to explain everything to you people?" he snapped. "Could you just let me out of the booth?"

Buzz gave him a funny look. "XR, I don't want to pry, but are you... feeling well?"

"I'll feel a lot better once you let me-"

"Okay, okay," he said hastily, standing up and letting the small robot scoot out of the booth.

He darted into the men's room and leaned against the wall, taking out a small vidphone and turning it on. "Hey. Hi. Marian?"

"This is his secretary," a decidedly non-secretarial bass voice rumbled out at him.

He blinked. "Oh, uhh... well, I need to see him. Is he free for three-thirty today?"

"No."

"This is really important. Can I just talk to him?"

"No."

"Please."

"No."

Geez Louise.

"Look, I'm really in a bind here," he said urgently. "I need to talk to Marian."

"Who are you?"

"X-XR. Could you just-"

"XR?"

"Yeah, yeah, that's me."

"Ahh. Marian's been wantin' ta see you."

XR blinked. He wasn't so sure that was a good thing. "Has he? Well, I've been wanting to see him too, so we can see each other and-"

"Three-thirty?"

"Yeah, that's what I said."

"Be there."

And he hung up.

XR sighed and looked down at the scummy floor. Thank goodness that was over.

He headed back to the booth to be greeted by more funny looks.

"What?" he demanded.

"Uhh, nothing," Buzz said quickly, standing up to let him back into the booth.

Everyone went back to either eating or picking at their food, with an unnaturally awkward silence hanging over the group.

Finally Buzz cleared his throat and said in a too-hearty voice, "So, how 'bout them crazy Irkens?"

Booster swallowed and said, rather hesitantly, "I knew a guy was who was a friend of a friend of Buster's..."

"A friend of a friend of a friend, always a reliable source," XR said.

"Well, anyway, Buster's friend's friend saw an Irken."

"What'd it look like?" Mira asked.

Booster rolled his eyes to the ceiling, lightly nibbling his lip. "He said it had its brain in its backpack? And he said it said it'd die if it took its backpack off."

XR raised an eyebrow. "Obviously, your friend of a friend of a friend is making things up to get attention."

3:05

It wasn't much later that they left to drop XR off at Star Command, parking in orbit outside the station.

"Good luck!" Mira said with a wave, as XR climbed into the launch tube. He nodded and was sucked up out of the ship.

Once outside he flew purposefully towards the station, then ducked behind one of the defense fins. He watched until 42 was safely out of sight, then turned and zipped off in the direction of Tradeworld. Appointment with the LGMs, yeah, right. He had places to be.

3:36

Marian's eyes were narrow, his lips pressed firmly together.

XR wondered if he could make himself invisible by sheer force of will.

Probably not.

Nope, no he couldn't.

"I hear you asked for me last night, ranger," he said, stroking that evil little fuzzball. "Now, what in this galaxy could a little torkma like you possibly want?"

'Torkma' is a word in Alliance Standard, the common language of the Galactic Alliance. It literally means 'failed robot' and refers to a prototype built with outlandish experimental features that didn't work. XR cringed when he heard it. Okay, so he had a few experimental features- he was advanced, that was all... even if half of the features had been deemed unworthy of future production... and if they were funny things like... well he wasn't a torkma! XL was more a torkma than he was! Marian should see HIM and then try and call XR nasty names!

"I'll tell you what you want. You've lost your fuzzy-bunny outlook and realized what we're really up to. Or maybe- maybe you knew all along, and your conscience is just now getting the best of you. Either way, I'm sure you want out."

"If you could tell what I was gonna do," he heard himself blurt, "why did you hire me to begin with? You know what I am!"

Marian grinned. His teeth were large and sharp and evenly spaced, and XR found himself wanting to be as small as possible.

"Because in here, you don't call the shots. If you don't keep working for me, you will find yourself regretting it."

He hugged one knee to his chest, letting the other dangle off the chair. "Oh, yeah, I'll probably feel guilty at first but..." he chuckled.

"But then you'll be dead," Marian said primly.

XR froze. "I- I-"

"Get out of my sight," he said, reclining. "You'll be back here at five thirty or you'll be dead. Either way."

He was beginning to tremble now. "Uhhh... is there a compromise I could make? I promise to keep quiet, and-"

"No."

"But-"

"No."

"Ah, but what if-"

One of the thugs standing next to XR grabbed his wrist. It hurt, too.

"No?" he whimpered.

"Correct," Marian said smoothly, leaning back and stroking his pet. XR hated that stupid animal. He could swear it laughed at him.

Not that it had a head.

Meh.

3:41

He hit the ground on hands and knees, yelping. Behind him, the door slammed.

XR got to his feet, dusting himself off and grumbling.

"You didn't have to manhandle me!" he snapped at the closed door. Perhaps unsurprisingly, it didn't answer.

He scoffed and kicked a nearby rock, then trudged out of the alley.

Once outside of it a cold breeze hit him and he shuddered and hugged himself, continuing with his head down. He shuffled onward until he reached an intersection and had to stop, waiting for a pause in the nearly-endless traffic.

He glanced around, seeing nothing but dingy streets as per usual, and leaned back, sighing. He rubbed his hands together, wincing, and burst into a coughing fit. Urgh.

What was that ringing? Oh. Ohhh. Uh-oh.

He flipped open his wrist-com, wincing.

"XR, where are you?" Buzz demanded.

"At my appointment," he said unconvincingly.

"The LGMs haven't seen you all day!"

"No?"

"No!"

"Oh."

"Yeah. OH. I'm going to ask again. Where are you?"

"Uh, m-me? Well, I'm-"

Buzz's eyes narrowed. "I hear city. Are you on Tradeworld?"

XR's jaw dropped. "How do you do that?"

"I'll be at the Leaning Tower of Commerce with 42 to pick you up. You had better be there."

And he hung up.

XR swallowed.

4:02

He came onto the bridge with his head down, making himself as small as possible. Instantly he was surrounded by his teammates.

"Where were you?" Buzz demanded.

"Seeing Patty," he said dully.

"What?" Mira cried. "XR! You can't just go running off like that in the middle of the workday!"

"I'm very disappointed in you, rookie," Buzz snapped, following XR as he automatically went to his control panel and started punching buttons. "Three demerits!"

What was a demerit, anyway? XR thought it better not to ask.

Buzz stalked over and sat down in his chair. Mira followed his lead.

Buzz fastened his seatbelt. "Okay. First off, I don't like your attitude of late. As I believe I've stated."

"I-" XR started to say.

"Let me speak!" Buzz snapped. XR flinched. "Second off, I don't know what you think you're doing running around like that, but it's gonna stop. Now! The minute we back to Star Command, I'm sittin' you down and havin' a little, personal, up-close talk with you, me, and Commander Nebula!"

He flinched again. Wow. He didn't think he'd ever seen Buzz this angry at him.

"Why didn't you go to your appointment?" Booster cried from his station as Buzz engaged the the engines. "You know we're all worried about you!"

"And another thing!" Buzz continued as they took off. "You, my friend, have some serious authority issues! For two years I've been watching you stagger around out of one mishmash and into the next, and I for one am sick of it! I thought you were getting better, but this whole mess-"

He continued speaking, but the words jumbled meaninglessly in the small robot's brain as he stared blankly at his control panel.

XR was not, by nature, an introvert. His first thought when experiencing any strong emotion was to share it with anyone handy, whether this involved bubblings of joy, whimpers of fear, cries of rage or whines of complaint.

For the past eight days he'd been swallowing all the misery and fear caused by his current situation, unable to confide in anyone. Now the three people closest to him were angry and yelling, and he leaned his forehead against the inside of his helmet, whimpering. Hot oil tears welled up in his eyes.

He chewed his lower lip, forcing back loud complaints- oh, it was so, so tempting just to spill out everything that had happened, how he'd been working long nights every night and staggering in exhausted in the morning, how his overbearing boss and his thugs kept him in constant fear, how that stupid DePalma guy had just swept in and ruined his life...

He sobbed. Booster's voice broke into his consciousness.

"Buddy, what's wrong? Why won't you talk to us?"

"What? Oh," he sniffled, gulping. "Nothing. I'm just- I don't know."

"Is it because Buzz is yelling at you? Is that it?" He turned to see Mira leaning around the edge of her seat, frowning at him. "Because let me tell you, buster: you brought this on yourself."

He looked away. "What? No. N-no, it's just that- uh-" How was he going to get out of this? Sweet mother of Venus, how?

At that moment he could have pulled himself together and told a convincing lie, or he could have broken down completely and confessed everything. About a year ago, he would have opted for the latter, but he'd spent the past two years of his life being put down, beaten, shot, snapped at and rejected. Robots are resistant to change by nature, and XR was no exception- however, unlike other members of his species (if you could call it a species), he wasn't wholly incapable of change.

"Patty and I broke up."

Of course. Why didn't he just say that earlier?

A worry line appeared on her pretty forehead and he swallowed. Hard.

"That's, uhh... that's why I had to meet her on Tradeworld, she called and said it was urgent and... yeah." He put his helmet back, wiping his eyes. "Yeah, that's all."

"Well, just because you had a reason doesn't mean you can just get away with it," Buzz insisted. "We're still having that talk with the Commander, just... uhh..."

XR looked down, making himself as tiny and pitiful as he could. It wasn't hard.

"I'm sorry, buddy," Booster choked, scooping him up in a bear hug. "I know it hurts."

Booster's hug hurt, too. He didn't know his own strength, did he? XR was not in a position to complain, however.

"Maybe another day then," Buzz muttered. "But if your attitude doesn't improve-"

"I'm sorry, Buzz," he moaned, pulling away from his large, overenthusiastic friend. "Look, I- I'll be right back. I don't feel so well."

He rushed away before anyone could stop him and hid himself in the bathroom. He wasn't sure what he was going to do in here but he'd been beginning to feel like he was caught in a mousetrap.