WARNING: The following story is rated M for a reason and is definitely not for the faint of heart. Do not show this to the little ones. If you are easily offended and/or disgusted, I would assume this story isn’t for you.

The following story is not suitable for children or teens below the age of 16, as it MAY contain possible strong but non-explicit adult themes, blood and gore violence and strong coarse language. If any of these are offensive to you, please leave this page immediately.

Please read responsibly, and remember, this is only a story and is not meant to be offensive.

SpongeBob SexPants

Season 3

Episode 20

Chick Has a Dick!

This episode is a parody of: The SpongeBob Episode “That’s No Lady”

--

SpongeBob walks up on a stage and walks to the microphone. He pulls out a note card, peeks at it, and then says, “Hello and welcome to the premier of Season 3! I’m glad to be here tonight and I’m glad we had another chance to do this thanks to all our loyal fans. I’m also…(looks at note card)…hey! What is this! We’re being censored? The show’s NOT going to be as disgusting as it was before? That’s f--ing retarded! (Covers his mouth in surprise) Was I just censored? F--k! I was censored again! GUYS! HELP!”

Sandy and Patrick walk on stage. “What are you bitching about now, SpongeBob?” Sandy asked.

“We’re being censored! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” SpongeBob cried.

“Can I at least have sex with SpongeBob?” Sandy asked.

“NOOOO!!” A loud booming voice that seemed to have come from nowhere yelled.

“Screw that! This isn’t what I signed up for! I quit!” Sand then angrily stormed off the stage.

“They’re censoring us? Yeah f--ing right!” Patrick said. “Ah, sh-t!”

--

Patrick was walking down the street, sucking on a popsicle. He slid his tongue up and down the long, hard popsicle. He shoved it up his mouth and slid his lips up and down the haaard, juicy popsicle as he swirled his tongue around it. “Oh yeah, mmmm! F--k yeah!” He shoved the popsicle in and out, in and out of his wet lips, sticking out his tongue to lick it. Juice ran down the shaft of the long, hard, glistening wet juicy popsicle. (Patrick then turns his head to look at you) “What? You got a problem with me eating a popsicle? You sick PERVERT!”

Suddenly a man in a suit jumped in front of Patrick. “Hey you, guess what?”

“What?”

“I’m going to rape you!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!” Patrick screamed as he threw his popsicle in the air and ran away screaming.

“So uh, SANDY,” SpongeBob said as he winked at a purple female fish inside Sandy’s water helmet. The fish was wearing fake buck teeth and a hat with squirrel ears on it. “Here’s your script.” He then handed a script to the fish in Sandy’s underwater suit. “Now remember, your role is a scientist squirrel who…”

“SPONGEBOB!!” Patrick screamed as he ran towards SpongeBob. “Who the hell is this asshole?” He the punched the fish in the face so hard the glass from the helmet broke and she fell to the ground, unconscious with shards of glass all over her face.

“Patrick! That was our replacement actor for Sandy! Now she’ll quit for sure when she wakes up like that!” SpongeBob whined.

“Good for you, I don’t care! Someone wants to rape me again!” Patrick panicked.

“Is it that guy from the…”

“No, I didn’t even do anything to this guy! He just popped out of nowhere and told me he’s gonna rape me!”

“Don’t worry, Patrick. All we need to do is come up with a disguise for you so he won’t be able to recognize you!”

“I have the perfect idea! Let’s kill squidward, and then skin his dead body so I can wear his skin, thus disguising me forever! Besides, I’ve always wanted eight dicks!”

“No! That’s horrible! We can’t kill Squidward!”

“Why not? We’ve killed him before, haven’t we?”

“I know, but I seriously can’t. The cops attached a device to my ankle and a computer chip to my brain when I was arrested for the you-know-what, and now every time I think violent thoughts I get electrocuted with a thousands volts.”

“Well I’ll kill him!”

“Okay, that works, go kill him!” Suddenly SpongeBob got zapped with electricity, flopped around screaming in pain for a few seconds, then fell to the ground with smoke coming out of him.

“Sorry bout that SpongeBob, now anyways, how should I kill him?”

“Sneak into his house, then bash his skull in with a…” Suddenly SpongeBob flew in the air as he spun and flopped around with electricity shooting out of him. He then slammed to the ground, with more smoke coming out of him. “Patrick!” SpongeBob angrily yelled. “I’M GOING TO F--ING KILL YOU!!” SpongeBob was then shot into the air, getting hit with a thousand volts again.

“Hahahaha,” Patrick laughed as SpongeBob flopped around with foam coming out of his mouth. “This is kinda fun to watch!”

--

- Later That Night -

Patrick tiptoed into Squidward’s bedroom, holding a hammer in his hand. He then swung the hammer up into the air, ready to slam it down onto Squidward’s skull. “Sorry Squid, but I can’t get raped again,” Patrick whispered.

“Wait, Patrick!” SpongeBob screamed as he jumped through the window, causing shards of glass to fly into Squidward’s face.

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!” Squidward screamed as he jumped up in his bed, covering his eyes, which already had glass in them. “What the f--k is wrong with you two?” Squidward flopped around screaming and whining as he cried blood out of his eyes instead of tears.

“AAAAAH! He knows it was us! I can’t go to jail again! RAAAA!!” Patrick screamed as he bashed the hammer into Squidward’s skull.

“PAT NO!” SpongeBob yelled. A loud crackling sound was heard as blood and pieces of brain splattered on the window. Then another cracking sound and more blood splattered on the window.

“RAAAAAAAA!! DIE! DIE! DIE!” Patrick screamed as he slammed the hammer into Squidward’s skull repeatidly as blood splashed all over his face.

“NOOOO!!” SpongeBob cried. Then blood splattered on him. “I hope getting blood splattered on me doesn’t activate the…” SpongeBob was then shot into the air, getting zapped again.

Patrick breathed heavily as he slowed down. He then fell on the ground, out of energy. “Don’t worry, Sponge. He’s dead. We just have to clean up all this blood, strip him and put him in the shower so it looks like he cracked his skull from slipping in the shower,” Patrick said, gasping for breath.

“Why did you have to do it, Patrick?” SpongeBob asked, breathing heavily, trying to recover from being electrocuted.

“Hey, you’re the one who jumped through the window!”

“As true as that may be, I found a better way to disguise you!”

“Aw, are you sure I can’t wear his skin? I want his eight dicks and his sixteen balls!”

“No! We’re not skinning him! We’re going to turn you into…uh…let me think…uh…Patricia!”

“I don’t get it.”

--

Suddenly Patrick was dressed as girl with blonde hair, red lipstick and a green bikini. Since Patrick was so fat, his man boobs looks like a chick’s boobs behind the bikini. “Ohhhh, now I get it! Meh, I’d rather wear Squidward’s skin.”

“No! I already went through the trouble of dressing you up and making you sexier than you were before.”

“Alright fine,” Patrick hesitated. “…Wait…what was that thing you said about me being sexy?”

--

SpongeBob and Patrick were walking down the street. Larry then jumped in front of them. “Hey SpongeBob! Who’s the chick?”

“This is Patricia,” SpongeBob answered.

“Cool. So…can I f--k her in the pussy?” Larry asked.

“No! Stay away from her, you perv!”

“Oh, I get it! She’s your girlfriend!”

“No, Larry! She is not my girlfriend!”

“Yeah, and who’s Patricia? I’m Patrick!” Patrick said.

“WHAT?” SpongeBob screamed as he shoved his hands on Patrick’s mouth. “No! You’re Patricia! Uh…yeah! What a hilarious joke, huh Larry? She’s always tellin’ the funniest jokes! Aren’t I right, Patrick?”

“Get your hands off me!” Patrick yelled.

“Sorry, Patricia,” SpongeBob said as he took his hands off Patrick’s mouth.

“And the other ones!” Patrick said angrily. Suddenly SpongeBob had an extra pair of arms, which he was using to grab Patrick’s boobs. SpongeBob then let go and blushed, then he laughed insecurely.

“Well, I’ll leave you and your girlfriend alone,” Larry said as he walked away, laughing.

“She’s not my girlfriend!” SpongeBob yelled.

“Fine, your f--kbuddy, whatever the hell you wanna call her!” Larry yelled.

“Patrick! I thought we made this clear! Your name is Patricia!” SpongeBob said.

“Sorry, I forgot,” Patrick said.

“Well, you did do an awesome job with the ‘get your hands off me’ thing. Good to know you can at least act like a girl!”

“Who says I was acting?”

--

SpongeBob and Patrick walked into the Krusty Krap. “SpongeBob! F--k is wrong with you? You’re 69 seconds late!”

Patrick then burst out laughing. “Like OMG! LOL! You said ‘69’! AHAHAHAHA!! Oh, I mean, EEHEEHEEHEE!!”

SpongeBob then whispered to Patrick, “Nice job acting girly.”

“Who said I was acting?” Patrick whispered.

“Hey, SpongeBob, who’s your friend?” Mr. Krabs asked with a bulge growing in his pants.

“This is my friend Patricia. See, I was late coz she’s new to town and I was just showing her around the…” SpongeBob said until Mr. Krabs pushed him on the ground.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever!” Mr. Krabs said as he ran behind Patrick and threw his arm around his shoulder. “So…Patricia, you’re sooo sexy! You know, our old cashier died last night and it would be so hot if you worked here. I’m sure your nice body would attract customers!”

“Uh…sure, I’ll work here…but um…something’s poking me in the ass.”

--

“So, Mr. Krabs, who’s the hot chick cleaning the table?” Squidward asked Mr. Krabs as Patrick bent over, cleaning a table.

“That’s Patricia! HEY! Wait a minute! Didn’t you die last night, Squidward?”

“Oh, he did. My name is Dick Hertz; I’m Squidward’s replacement actor for the day. The plot requires the character Squidward to be in the episode so they hired me to fill-in for him.”

“Oh, so we’re just gonna refer to you as Squidward?”

“Yep.”

“Okay, so uh…what did you say your name is again?”

--

“Ohhhh Patricia!” Mr. Krabs said as he ran to Patrick. “I’m really horny and I was just wondering if I could have sex with you in my office?”

“Ew! No!” Patrick said.

“Oh, come on! Can you at least give me a blowjob?”

“No!”

“Hand job?”

“No!”

“Can we at least make out?”

“F--k off, perv!”

“Wow, Mr. Krabs, you really have a way with the ladies,” Squidward laughed.

“What do you expect? My wife’s been dead for like 15 years and I still haven’t gotten over it! Haven’t you been reading the other fanfic I’m starring in called ‘Mr. Krabs: The Untold Story’?”

“Whatever, Krabs. Let me show you how it’s really done!” Squidward then slowly walked to Patricia, trying to act cool, but really looking like a dork. “Soooo…Patricia…”

“Yes?” Patrick asked.

“You’re an amazing woman, and, well…you’ve been a good friend and I think we should take our relationship to the next level, you know what I mean?”

“But Squidward, I just met you five minutes ago. I don’t even know your name.”

“It’s Squidward, darling. You just said my name. Now uh…would you like to have dinner with me sometime?”

“No! Now back off or else I'll hit you so hard, by the time you come down, you'll need a passport and a plane ticket to get back!” Patrick then walked off angrily.

“Oh no she di’int!” Squidward said.

“Oh yes she did! Arararararar!!” Mr. Krabs laughed. “Yeah, you really have a way with the ladies, Mr. Squidward! ARARARARARAR!”

“Wow, Mr. Krabs. ‘Ar, ar, ar’? Is that an accent or is your mouth just full of cum?”

“Shut up, Mr. Squidward! You know what; your mother said she liked seafood. So I gave her crabs!”

“Oh ha ha ha, nice joke, Krabs,” Squidward miserably said.

“Who says I’m joking?”

--

Patrick was washing the dishes until Mr. Krabs’ head slid out of the faucet. “So, Patricia. How ‘bout coffee after work?”

“Go screw yourself!” Patrick yelled.

“But I’d rather screw you, honey!”

Patrick then slapped Mr. Krabs in the face and walked away angrily.

--

Patrick was in a bathroom stall. He pulled down his bikini bottom and was about to sit on the toilet until Squidward popped out of the toilet and said, “Nice ass, Patricia! Would you mind if I f--ked it?” Patrick then flushed the toilet and Squidward got sucked down into the toilet.

--

“Patricia, I bought you a bouquet of flowers!” Squidward said, holding a bouquet of glowers.

“Oh, thanks, Squiddy!” Patrick sarcastically said as he grabbed the bouquet. He then grabbed Squidward’s nose and angrily shoved the flowers up it. “You’re lucky I didn’t shove that thing somewhere else, if ya catch my drift!”

“Bah! Who needs flowers?” Mr. Krabs said as he shoved Squidward out of the way. “Here, have some chocolates! And I even bought you a dildo!”

“Oh thanks,” Patrick sarcastically said as he shoved the box of chocolates in Mr. Krabs mouth. “Now to shove the dildo up your…no wait, I’m not gonna shove it up your ass. I’m gonna shove it in your dick hole, coz it’ll hurt more!” Patrick yelled, holding up the dildo like a knife.

--

“SpongeBob!” Patrick yelled as he burst into the kitchen.

“Yeah, Patricia?”

“Stop calling me that! I can’t take it anymore! Why are those two being so nice to me all the time! And why are they so horny around me? I dressed up like this so I WOULDN’T get f--ked by a man. But now, TWO men want to f--k me! I’m done with this crap!” Patrick then ran out of the kitchen.

“PAT, NO!”

“Attention everyone! I have a confession to make!” Patrick yelled.

“Hey, Patricia,” all the guys in the restaurant said dreamily.

“STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! My REAL name is Patrick!” Patrick then tore his clothes off in front of Mr. Krabs and Squidward. “See, I aint no chick! I have a dick!”

“YOU’RE PATRICK?” Mr. Krabs and Squidward screamed in horror.

“Yep, I got a nice package, don’t I?” Patrick asked.

“God damn it, Patrick! F--k is wrong with you? You’re fired!” Mr. Krabs yelled.

“Fair enough,” Patrick said.

“God damn it…I have to go uh…watch lesbian porn for the next, oh I dunno, the next twenty years or so,” Mr. Krabs said as he walked away in depression.

“I’m gonna go kill myself now,” Squidward said as he walked away.

“Well it’s been nice knowin’ ya SpongeBob. But I have to run away so that guy won’t rape me,” Patrick said.

“Would you put your damn clothes on already? Your nice dick is makin’ me horny, but I won’t be able to jack off until the Krusty Krap closes in 3 hours!”

“Hey, wait a minute, I know you!” A man in a suit said as he walked to Patrick.

“AAAAAAAAGH!! It’s the guy who wants to rape me!” Patrick screamed.

“That’s right, I’m gonna rape you!” The man in the suit said as he grabbed Patrick’s dick and balls. He then pulled him closer to him.

“NOOOOOOOOOO!” Patrick screamed and cried. “It’s too late for me! It’s over!” Patrick whimpered and cried.

“Are you ready?” The man in the suit asked, talking like a horny pervert behind his clenched teeth.

“SpongeBob, you gotta save me!” Patrick screamed.

“Are you kidding? I’m gonna jack off while watching this guy rape you! At least me and the rapist get a happy ending, right?”

“But I don’t wanna be raped!” Patrick cried.

“Why should I care? Now bend over, damn it!” The man in the suit said.

“Yes, sir,” Patrick sadly said.

“That’s right, do what you’re told!” The man in the suit said.

Happy End!

“Wait a minute!” SpongeBob said. “I think we’re forgetting something…”

Meanwhile, Squidward’s dead body was on the floor. His face was purple and foam was pouring out of his mouth. An open bottle of pills was in his hand and pills were scattered all over the floor.

“Nahahahahaha!” SpongeBob laughed. “NOW it’s the happy end!” SpongeBob said as the sound of Patrick’s screams was heard in the background.

Happy End! :D

“AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!” Patrick screamed.