To put it bluntly, a robot is the best way to describe me right now

Disclaimer: Own nothing

A/N: Btw if this chap is slightly confusing, its because it was meanta be a oneshot and whatever needs explaining will be in the second chapter.

To put it bluntly, a robot is the best way to describe me right now. The initial numbness kicked in five…maybe six years ago. Before then everything was different – I could feel. When you struck me I’d feel pain, anger and an inclination to deck some motherfuckers. When touched my skin still tingled like there were lovebugs crawling around in there. So long as he was around I knew who I was – good old Trips. Rude, lewd, crude; hilarious at the best of times and an angry bastard at the worst. I was fun…a word alien to my current self. I protected him, and the horny little man living in my crotch always demanded payment for such a job. Deep down we both knew he didn’t need a chaperone. After all, Shawn Michaels, the showstopper, could damn well take care of himself. But secretly, we both liked to pretend. That was us all over – pretenders. Kids at the most. Too afraid to face what was real, we rolled around in each other’s company, smothering ourselves with the other’s sweetness until we could no longer see the sick old world we lived in. We found solace within each other, and within the games we played. Everything else was blocked out. Sure, it consumed us during the day, but at night it meant about as much to us as the cum stains on the bed sheets next morning.

The subject of making a go of things remained unapproachable from the moment I met him to the autumn of 2007. The very idea scared me shitless, though Shawn was prepared to dip his foot in the forbidden contemplation every once in a while. Kinda surprising, him being a Texan boy with homophobic parents. I guess he just had more guts than me – not that it mattered in the larger scheme of things. He would lightly brush on it after sex every so often; paint a vague yet beautiful picture in my mind of a sunny house by a sunny reservoir, secluded in a clearing surrounded by unfathomable miles of woodland – however many miles it took to separate us from the world and all its evils. Just a few strokes of his tongue were all it took to create such a perfect masterpiece. The very thought of living with him in such paradise sent a flurry of emotion coursing though me, if only for a split second. For a split second I would feel the north wind cascade across my face, throttling noise out of the quaint mobile that we would never have, which hung over the porch that would never be. And Shawn would be there, his warm body folded into mine in both the dream and the reality, as if desperately trying to preserve us there. I decided that those mere moments in Cloud Cuckoo land after sex were better than the sex itself.

Can’t complain about the sex though – boy, no chance of that. Shawn had always had a tight little body, full of surprises; a great deal of firmness that could endure a lot of slamming and banging, but lets not forget the portions of soft, tender flesh in all the right places – golden gropeable goodness in the form of the two perfect globes of his rear; all honey sweet and ideal for nibbling, spanking, smooching, and violating in every manner possible. He was a good boy, and a hell of a ride. Just as driven to sexual exploration as I was. Always eager to take a bite out of the sweet forbidden fruit. And we both had plenty of fruit to offer one another.

I never really took seriously the whole ‘Christian conversion’ bullshit Shawn adopted after meeting Rebecca. At least that’s what I told him with a sly ‘I-told-you-so’ tone after he yet again wound up back in my bed one month into married life. I soon regretted rubbing it in his face. I realised I’d shot him down, and the expression of pain and child-like desperation that followed shot me back. He responded with no retaliation, but just a simple cry for help: “I’m chained to you, Hunt. You’ve got me by the balls – what the fuck do I have to do to get you to let go?!” My reply was simply “You have to stop hanging on.”

Neither of us did – we remained chained. Chained within the bounds of this horrible perversion of nature that was the result of not being able to choose who you love. We both despised the situation in every day life; both wishing we could be satisfied with our partners. But we just couldn’t stop chasing each other deeper and deeper into the ninth circle of hell. We never called it love, despite how tender it could be at times, despite how many bruises tainted our flesh as the result of our passion. It was always something negative and imprisoning. I guess part of us hated each other too, and yet it always felt so right when we were together. No, it wasn’t evil. It can’t have been. How could something that feels so good be evil?

The separate relationships we came to form were more to do with hate than love. Under the stress of work, my paranoia was acting up and screaming at me that Vince had tweaked. He shot me questionable glances as we passed in the corridor. At one point Shawn had come hurtling towards me, demanding to know where I’d been and why I hadn’t been returning his calls. I could have broken him in half for the spectacle he made of us as Vince stood just metres away, peering over at us along with several amused wrestlers.

“What the hell happened to lunch with me at two?!” Shawn demanded. “Where the hell did that go?!”

I cocked my head, shooting him a shocked ‘cut-it-out’ glare. “I lost track of time – for god’s sake Shawn, tone it down.”

“Seems you’re losing track of time a hell of a lot these days!” He snapped. “What the fuck’s it gonna take, Hunter? I wait around for you for hours freezing my ass off! Do I deserve that, Hunter?!”

I tried another tactic. If I wanted to maintain my dignity I was going to have to tear away the source of embarrassment, throw him in the trash and make clear he wasn’t wanted. I’d deal with the aftermath later.

“Do I deserve you hassling me like some attention-seeking little bitch every minute of the day? For god’s sake Shawn, What the hell is wrong with you?! You’re a grown man. Can’t you bear being on your own for an hour, or is that impossible for you?!” Yes, good plan. Load the burden of our chains onto Shawn’s back. Make him look bad.

I wasn’t prepared for the counter attack.

“Oh come on Hunter don’t go projecting your personal insecurities onto me. Everyone knows you got abandonment issues. Why else would you hook up with that slut Stephanie? What happened to your standards, Hunter? Guess you were just too fucking desperate huh?”

One burst of impact and Shawn was down, the thwack of the immense punch resounding throughout the hall. I couldn’t believe it when I looked down at the man I had obsessed over for years. Had I really hit him? And why did that feel so inherently wrong? Hell, we’re wrestlers, we were beating on each other all the time. I knew Shawn was all man, and yet hitting him had been like hitting a woman. For a moment I felt atrocious, but then I caught sight of Shawn’s grotesque snarl, and all my disgust channelled in a new direction. Looking down at Shawn, I took him in for what he truly was for the first time in years, and realised I had been blind. Shawn was not the beauty he once was. He was not pretty. Matted, wiry hairs protruded from his slightly open shirt, mirroring the vulgar mass of stubble engulfing those once full, perfect lips. The charismatic eyes were swarmed with little lines and creases, marring his initially flawless complexion along with an array of spots and marks that had swept in with age. The hair I once knew to be glossy and golden was now thin and dull in colour, soaked in a depressing amount of grease and hanging sombrely, wrung of all life. Hell, he was balding from the side of his scalp.

I wrinkled my nose as I stared down at him, realising with disgust and shame that this was what I was in love with. Some repugnant middle-aged man, clinging on and holding me back in both my career and my personal life. Shawn wasn’t the Heartbreak kid anymore; he was just another broken down hasbeen who couldn’t bear to part with the spotlight. I however, was on top. I was the best-paid wrestler in the business. Casting down at what was lying at my feet, I decided to leave the past behind. With that, I strode off, my mind switching shockingly quickly to the subject of proposing to Stephanie.