Legendary

A joint project between mlle. anna and Sailor Silver Moon

All general disclaimers apply

Everyone knows that people unconsciously pick up the characteristics of their mentors. That’s why Naruto has a frog-shaped wallet and a perverted jutsu. That’s why Sasuke has homicidal urges and a tendency to scare little boys. And that’s why I’ve suddenly become the Legendary Sucker and could really use a strong drink.

Author’s note: BEWARE. Chaos ensues. You’ve been warned. Like, seriously.

Chapter 6: Coffee Housing (anna)

Left early. Prior engagement. No alarm clocks!

Must destroy all evil.

Will bring lots of alcohol. Talk soon, yes?

--

Sakura wasn’t sure what was more unfair- Naruto’s Sexy no Jutsu was sexier than she was, or that Sasuke had probably kissed more boys than she did. But before she knew how to respond, Sasuke had already pushed himself away from the compromising position. Although she wasn’t looking at her, Sakura could tell Ino was disappointed.

The second Sasuke was on his feet again, he immediately hooked his arm around the medic’s waist while shooting nasty glares at the Hyuuga. Sakura pouted; did he even have the right to be jealous? Really, he was the one making the moves on her fiancé. She had learned recently that the Hyuuga brain was twisted, but it was still second to that of the Uchiha’s.

Neji seemed to be just as unhappy as Sasuke. Without missing a beat, his arm shot out and successfully pulled (yanked) Sakura to his side. Ino’s eyes were shooting beams of glee.

“Uchiha, I would appreciate it if you do not touch my fiancée in such a manner,”

Tomoe spun and Sakura cowered under his glare.

“Oops?” she answered weakly. It was worse than forgetting to return a scroll to the library, but no way tantamount to the murder of an entire clan. But Sasuke was always so awfully black and white.

“Sakura…” Sasuke began.

Before Sasuke could finish his threat, the Hyuuga had decided to leave, tugging her along with him. Ino was watching the entire show with her jaw almost to the ground.

--

The minute they were out of ear shot, Sakura wiggled out of his hold. She stood in front of him, a finger waving accusingly.

“What the hell was that? You told Sasuke!” she almost screamed.

The Hyuuga had the audacity to tilt his head to feign confusion.

“You told Ino,” he answered simply.

She threw her hands on her head in exasperation. That was true, but Ino was Ino and Sasuke was Sasuke-kun. Not only that, Ino didn’t really believe her anyway, it was Neji who , it’ll be Naruto… her head whipped around as the new thought crossed her mind, Naruto.

Fox boy was the one who started the entire thing. Kill him.

Neji flashed an amused smirk when he noticed the amount of time it took for her to sober down. The smirk, however, died down when her eyes were directed at him.

“You do realize that this is no longer a private problem. This leak with Ino will spread by the end of the day,” Sakura said, trying with no little difficulty to keep up Neji. What was it with Hyuugas and fast walking?

“The possibility crossed my mind,”

“Then why…” her temper was threatening to flare again but was involuntarily placated when they reached the Bunke residence.

They entered the building Sakura immediately plopped herself down on the couch. Neji took a seat opposite from her.

“Ok, so now is the time to tell me about your fabulous plan to get out of this pickle jar we’ve gotten ourselves into,” she said hopefully.

“What plan?” the Hyuuga answered, deadpanned.

“What do you mean ‘what plan’? Didn’t you have one?” Sakura’s snapped back, she had been so sure, and now all that hope came to a crashing arrest, “Then what was with that arrogant look you were flashing me earlier?”

“That’s just how I look by default,” he said.

She took a throw pillow from the couch covered her face with it. Neji watched as the medic tried to suffocate herself and mused about her many suicide attempts. When she took the pillow from her face in defeat, he caught sight of a slightly bruised forehead from when she was trying to smash it against the bathroom counter earlier.

“Hiashi-sama has his heart set on this wedding for reasons unknown to us. It’s obvious that he isn’t going to simply back down,” the ANBU captain reviewed the situation again.

Sakura had long since stopped talking. Instead, she decided to bury her face on the couch.

“You know, if you marry me, Hiashi will name me the new clan leader. After that, I can annul the marriage if I want,”

“Wah you cwazy?” she mumbled in the soft cushion. At that moment, Sakura knew she was holding a very nasty leverage on him. If she let it slip that Hiashi’s precious nephew was getting it on with an Uchiha, he’ll be disowned- wedding problem solved. But such a card should only be used in emergencies.

Uh, hello! This is an emergency.

After a few seconds of silence, the pink haired woman shot up. Neji raised an eyebrow at the sudden commotion, mentally bracing himself for another one of her “plans”.

“Or… we could sabotage the wedding,” she suggested.

“Sabotage?”

“We could mess with the wedding plans, extend the date and buy ourselves some time,”

“And how do you suggest we achieve that?” why Neji was even encouraging her was beyond him.

“We could be under the covers,”

“Undercover,”

“Hm?”

“Undercover, I have no interest in doing anything under covers with you,”

She stuck her tongue out at him and he smirked in return. At that moment, Neji entertained the thought of truly marrying the woman. She was simply too amusing, and she successfully made him smirk more times in the past two days than anyone else had. Before his image of marital bliss had a chance to mature, Neji quickly dissolved it. She brought him too many problems than he deemed acceptable. That and there were gossips that she belonged to the Uchiha. Sasuke’s little show of aggression (possession) and her panicked actions confirmed the rumors.

“Hey Hyuuga, your uncle left us a note,”

“What does it say?” he asked, looking at the woman who was eyeing the piece of paper in both curiosity and slight fear. Not that her apprehension wasn’t justified when it concerned his uncle.

“It says that a priest is coming over tonight to go over the plans of the ceremony,”

No one can ever accuse the Hyuuga clan of procrastination.

A firm knock on the door stopped the couple and left them with a heavy silence.

“Answer it,” commanded Neji.

“You answer it,” Sakura said, a little miffed at the command, “he’s not the grim reaper.”

Defeated, the Hyuuga walked to the door and opened it with great difficulty. The doorway revealed an old man with wrinkle lines like drained up rivers running on his face. His eyes were a hollow black with the fleshy part sucked inward. The man’s emaciated, haggard face looked almost unbalanced with the oversized protruding black lips. He held a leather pocket book and eyed it wearily.

“Neji Hyuuga, I’ve come for you,” the raspy voice said.

--

“When I die I want to be cremated, my wife doesn’t know. She wants us to be buried in coffins. They’re nice and everything, with the satin sheets and comfy padding, the white lace and expensive mahogany wood. But the bugs will get you. They’ll bite and bite until you’re left nothing but a rotting corpse. You don’t see them in the first week, but they’re there, drilling holes in your coffin,”

Heavy silence persisted.

Neji looked uneasily at Sakura whose large eyes stared ahead at the emaciated man with fascination. The priest looked up, and began talking again.

“So the Hyuugas, you have a couple of options for your funeral…”

“But we’re planning a wedding,” Neji cut in. Why he was wasting energy to bring attention to the wedding was beyond him. Hiashi’s genius should never be underestimated.

“I understand, but Hyuuga-sama hired me to do a “complete job” and that covers all your lives’ ceremonies,” the priest said and took out a black notebook.

“Your uncle and I chose a nice selection with maple wood,” the old man said, holding up a picture of a large coffin.

“It’s shiny, and silky, and smells nice…”

“Stop, stop. Just stop,” Sakura cut it, her hands waving above her head to emphasize.

Neji sighed in relief. Finally! Logic!

“You had me at shiny,”

--

Ino sipped her cup of coffee as Sakura told her about last night’s events. The strawberry blonde woman tried hard to stop herself from choking.

“It’s not that funny Ino pig,” Sakura said, obviously upset at her friend’s amusement.

“Come on now Forehead-chan. It can’t be that bad, I mean, it is Neji Hyuuga we’re talking about,” she answered, “Many women would kill to be in your situation,”

“The entire affair reeks of foul play,” the medic crossed her arms stubbornly.

Her friend put the cup down on the table and leaned forward, “I just don’t understand why you’re fighting this so much. Is this about Sasuke?”

Sakura groaned at the mention of his name. She didn’t have a chance to explain the situation to the Uchiha, and she just knew he was still brooding.

“I think you just need to get to know Neji a little better,” Ino said. She smirked in self-satisfaction.

“Get to know my fiancé? Are you crazy?”

Ino twirled her pink tinted blonde hair absentmindedly, “We are women of the modern age Sakura dear. We can take the initiative now. Just take him out,”

Sakura stared at her friend in slight confusion, “You mean like kill him? I’ll never get away with it.”

Ino sighed in exasperation. This was going to be a lot tougher than previously accessed, “I forget I’m talking to the social virgin,”

The blonde gasped when she caught a glimpse at the clock, “Gah! I’m late for a meeting with Shino,”

Ino looked at her watch before sitting up. She glanced at the distraught medic and flashed a small, sympathetic smile.

“Things could be worse Sakura,”

--

Things did get worse. At dusk, some Hyuuga clansmen appeared at her door and demanded that she come with them to the Bunke residence. Apparently, Hiashi decided that as the future bride of the Hyuuga, Sakura needed to start living with them. Too tired to fight, the medic simply nodded and allowed herself to be dragged off.

When she arrived, Neji seemed to have recently received the news as well. He was sitting cross-legged, bent on ignoring her. Staring at the meditating man, Sakura’s temper rose steadily. She vaguely registered the throbbing of her arm due to her luggage before throwing them at his head.

He caught her bag easily and opened his eyes to look at the peeved woman standing by his door.

“Are you going to stand there all night?” he asked mildly.

With a huff, Sakura stomped in his room. It was childish, she had to admit, but certainly justifiable.

“I am not sleeping with you,” she said.

Neji shrugged and opted to meditate again, “suit yourself. The floor is all yours.”

Her eyes narrowed dangerously. The floor was cold under her toes, she wasn’t about to risk a back ache in the morning. Sakura remembered she bruised easily.

Red alert! Amber alert! Magenta alert! Alert of the rainbow!

Yes, yes, this was an emergency.

“Was Sasuke a good kisser?”

Neji lost his concentration. In the past few days, team seven had managed to put him in touch with his sexuality more than he cared for. He got hit on by the obnoxious blonde, got himself engaged to the violent protégé. But that’s not all, when they start something, Hyuuga clansmen go the whole nine yards- Neji had to kiss the suicidal Uchiha. He was beginning to feel like the poster boy for the Red-light district.

Wait… wasn’t there one more member? Kakashi. Icha Icha Paradise…. Sai was an artist, wasn’t he?

“The bed is big, we’ll divide it in half,” Neji suggested. He drew the line at Kakashi.

“With what? Kunai?”

“I was thinking of a long pillow,”

“Right,”

They began to build their pillow fortress and Sakura tried not to say any smartass comment about them being “under covers”.

“You know Hyuuga, this is fun. Kind of like a slumber party,” she grinned.

Across from her, Neji nodded mirthlessly. Sakura’s medic instincts kicked in, however, when she caught a small grimace on the Hyuuga’s face.

“Are you hurt?”

“Just a muscle sprain from the spar yesterday,” he waved dismissively.

But Sakura wasn’t having anything of Neji’s childish display of macho-ness.

“I’m going to take a look at it, take off your shirt,” she commanded, adopting the countenance of a professional medic.

“I’m fine, woman,” Neji answered firmly.

“You may as well take it off now. It would save me a lot of trouble later tonight when I try to strip you while you sleep,” she grinned. The small dimple on her cheeked deepened. He never noticed that dimple before, and decided that it looked oddly menacing on her.

Reluctantly, the Hyuuga began to loosen the outer layer. He flashed her a suspicious look when he found that an odd smile was erupting from his new roommate.

“Wait, wait wait, let me lower the light and turn some music on first,” she grinned, her hand reaching for the lamp, “Now do everything again, but slower…”

Neji glared.

“Hyuuga, just humor me. As far as you’re concerned, the music, the dim light and the fabulous abs have nothing to do with my personal enjoyment but everything to do with your medical diagnosis,”

Upon seeing that the Anbu was still distrustful, Sakura flashed another smile and made herself even more comfortable on his bed, “Don’t worry, I have your best medical interest in mind,”

“Which part of your mind exactly?”

The entire situation was getting less absurd and creepier by the second. That night, Neji found out that a healthy level of fear was encouraged when his future wife was concerned.

--

Sakura tossed and turned. When it became apparent that she wasn’t going to get any sleep that night, she glared at the peaceful man next to her. Her glare softened (slightly) when she saw how serene he looked. Lightly, Sakura traced the nape of his jaw. He wasn’t as handsome as Sasuke, but he came a close second. The strong features and the impossibly long lashes added to the general “stick-up-ass” charm.

He smelled nice, she noted. Not the spicy masculine like Sasuke’s, Neji’s was gentler and not overpowering. She nestled closer to him, trying to get some of the blanket he was selfishly hogging.

A silver eye cracked opened and a second later, both eyes were open.

“Can’t sleep?”

The head against his chest shook.

“You knew about your uncle’s plan to get me here, and yet you still allowed them to kidnap me,” she said, her voice hushed by the fabric of his shirt.

“It wasn’t kidnapping…merely overactive carpooling,”

“I didn’t even explain to Sasuke properly yet,” Sakura said, her head was making no inclination to move from its comfortable spot against his chest.

“You seem to be very concern about the Uchiha,” he said, his tone husky and low from the sleep deprivation.

“We never speak about it, but there is a mutual understanding that we would end up together,” she stifled a yawn and drifted off to sleep.

Naturally, his mind supplied a little more cynical than he would have liked.

By then, Neji had noticed the lack of coverage on her body. He maneuvered his body slightly to transfer some of the blanket to her side.

--

“Since you’re going to be married Neji, we must give you a bachelor party,” declared Jiraiya, the perverted hermit smiled, waving his lecherous book above Neji (who was exhibiting divine patience under the circumstances).

“Yes, the previous edition of Icha Icha Paradise included a how-to-do-it-yourself bachelor party,” embellished Kakashi.

Lee joined in the conversation, his caterpillar eyebrows wiggled in mirth, “Yes Neji, you must experience the power of youth before your wedding,”

Lee was the most surprising of them all. When he was forced to deliver the news to his green teammate, Neji had expected a speech about the wilting power of youth followed by another fiery declaration of rivalry. But instead, his eccentricity surfaced under the guise of good wishes and life’s blessings.

“I don’t have time to plan a bachelor party,” said the Hyuuga firmly. He forgot how he got there, in the middle of Ichiraku and surrounded by prying and curious shinobi.

“No worries, we’ll plan it for you,” offered Naruto, slapping the Anbu on the back good naturedly. The blonde didn’t even back off when Neji flashed him a nasty glare.

Neji wasn’t exactly sure what Naruto’s involvement in the trickery of the engagement was, but Sakura had been so sure that everything was due to the blonde’s meddling.

Kakashi pulled the Hyuuga up on his feet and dragged him to the door, “Come on, Neji- we’ll invite the best geisha around and have some fun tonight,”

“Jiraiya-sama will contact the okaiya, he will ask for the best geisha for the entertainment tonight,” Naruto said to Lee.

The tai-jutsu ninja nodded in agreement, “Good, Jiraiya certainly does have some connection there, I believe. Kakashi will bring the sake and Shikamaru and I will provide the food,”

The five men left the ramen shop, four of them were chattering merrily while the tall Hyuuga rolled his eyes in annoyance.

Sitting on the opposite booth occupied by the former Anbu party, a lone figure slowly lowered the newspaper she was reading. Blue eyes gleamed in mischief as she freed her blond hair of the restricting hat.

“Bachelor party?” Ino muttered.

--

Sakura paced back and forth, her eyebrows knitted in concentration. Her best friend sat on the futon painting her long nails while watching the medic with amusement.

“A bachelor party you say?” Sakura asked, her lips pursed tightly.

“Reiterating what I heard,” Ino said simply.

The little time cushion between now and the wedding was drawing closer. Sakura was clearly panicking while Neji had the nerve to enjoy himself. A bachelor party no less. It was unforgivable.

“Ino, I’m going to need your help with this,”

--

Naruto looked at the clock impatiently, after seeing that the minute hand hadn’t advanced anymore than the last time he checked, he glanced back at the bored faces of his colleagues. Lee’s spherical eyes widened every time there was a sound outside of the Hyuuga residence.

“Fun party,” muttered Gai, his large eyebrows drooped in boredom as he neared another shot of sake to his lips.

“When I said I didn’t need a bachelor party you must have really taken it to heart,” commented the Hyuuga. His mind wasn’t exactly on the terrible party as his thoughts were wrapped around Sakura’s noted disappearance. She was no where to be found since the afternoon, and a small treacherous voice told him that she must have tracked the Uchiha down. The Hyuuga were not jealous people, but they do like to keep what was theirs. And she was his now, wasn’t she? Albeit how they arrived at their current predicament was a little sketchy and a result from embarrassing lapses of judgment. Oh, and Naruto too.

“I’ve drank so much sake, all I need now is some female company. They don’t need to be pretty, no, I’ve passed that point,” slurred Genma. He was now choking on the senbon that had accidentally slipped down his throat.

Suddenly, the deep knocking of the door shook everybody out of their drunken state, followed by high pitched giggling.

“That giggling better belonged to Jiraiya,” Genma automatically sat up, his hand grasping a kunai “Let me at him, I don’t care if he’s the legendary whatnot, let me at him,”

Shino calmly pulled the drunken ninja back down to his seat and gestured for Lee to open the door. The tai-jutsu ninja got up and pranced to the door in anticipation. Before he got a chance to open the heavy wooden door, it was pushed roughly open by an outside force.

“Now which one of you darlins’ is the groom?” a loud booming voice demanded.

“A-Are you the umm… geisha?” gulped Naruto as he looked at the four… women in front of him.

“The geisha industry must be in low demands nowadays,” whispered Lee, his saucer like eyes were threatening to bulge out of its sockets.

“They certainly do keep your gaze, don’t they?” someone whispered. It really didn’t matter who, the words were on everybody’s minds.

“These aren’t geisha! They’re middle age prostitutes,” someone else embellished.

“No sweetie, I gave up prostitution last week,” a largely built woman with long blond hair stepped forward, her face caked with white powder that falls to the ground as she spoke, “but raise your payments and I wouldn’t mind giving a little something,”

“We’re actually paying these women?” Shikamaru muttered.

“So Neji Hyuuga, we’ve come for you,” a skeletal woman slowly approached the young Anbu, “I used to be a beauty you know, one of the most requested showgirls in Konoha. Compare to these neophytes, I have a good 50 years of experience ahead of them,”

“I’ve no doubt,” Neji said, his handsome face twisted in distaste. At that moment, he wished he’d had a little more sake.

A grotesquely dressed woman advanced the confused lot and draped her arms around Genma who looked like he was ready to faint, “Hi, I’m Shizu, let me be your entertainer tonight.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to entertain the groom?” gulped Genma. He was drunk, but not that drunk. He strategically used her distraction to swallow another senbom.

“No,” she bellowed, laughing and snorting ridiculously to herself, “Besides, my friend already has dips on the hottie,” the petite geisha gesture to the large woman who was currently hugging the Anbu Captain.

“You’re so precious, Neji-kun,” the large woman chirped as she whipped her lightly coloured hair over her shoulder and batted her thickly lashed olive eyes.

“I need some more alcohol,” the handsome Hyuuga said as he pushed her off of him. His hands were itching for the sake. Unlike the rest of the men, Neji had a nice exit strategy. Should he find himself unable to cope, a second shot of sake would knock him out like a light. It was nice to be a one shot wonder sometimes.

Suddenly, the door opened and Sai stepped in. He took one quick survey around the room and shrugged.

“What’s Ugly doing here?”

“Hey! I told you to stop calling Sakura-chan that,” Naruto warned, but his threat fell short when he began to hiccup.

“Where is Sakura-chan?” the blonde tried again, slurring more this time.

“The one with the poorly executed henge?” the ink master pointed.

“Hic- I can tell my girl from miles away. You lie!” Naruto accused.

“That’s because you’re all drunk.”

“He’s right, we are drunk,” Kakashi suddenly appeared next to Neji’s ears and whispered. His usual bored eye was blood shot now, “You know? If you use your Sharingan, those women don’t look half bad. Maybe it’ll work for the Byakugan too. Do it, do it,”

Neji tried to unwound Kakashi’s arms around his neck., “Do you have any idea what turning on the Byakugan enables me to see?”

Without Neji’s neck as leverage, the copy nin slid to the ground and stayed there.

Somewhere in the background, Lee was giggling.

--

Neji wished he’d taken that second shot of sake. He’d have a pounding headache, but at least the pounding would distract him from his current situation (predicament). The second he left the Academy, the Hyuuga found himself cornered.

“Wasn’t there a restraining order from the Academy?” he asked. Neji really wasn’t in the mood to get in a fisticuff with the Uchiha. What he was in the mood though, was to find Sakura and have a nice civilized talk about last night’s strange occurrences. But she departed early that morning, leaving a note about a pressing engagement with some postscript about his lack of alarm clocks. Hence, she’d gone out to destroy evil…after the bit about the alarm clocks, the note made less and less sense.

“A hundred feet. We’re at a hundred and one,”

Apparently, Sasuke was now a law abiding citizen.

“If you want to talk to Sakura, she left in the morning. Something about destroying evil, I’m a bit worried,”

Sasuke shook his head dismissively, “Don’t worry about it, it’s code,”

Code?

“For what?”

“Ramen with Naruto,”

Ah

“I’m not here to talk to Sakura. I’m here to talk about her,” the Uchiha shifted his stance and shoved his hands in his pockets.

“If this is about the engagement…”

“You can’t marry her,”

Neji lifted an eyebrow. That would be possessive aura shooting off of the Uchiha. The last time he’d seen this sort of display was when Lee accidentally ate Sasuke’s tomatoes. Back then, it was irritation at best, now, it was pure malice. Apparently Sakura was worth more than tomatoes.

“The wedding next week says otherwise,” Twice now, Neji drew attention to the wedding. The priest’s eccentricity drew it out the first time, but now, Neji’s intention was slightly different.

“You don’t have a claim on her, Uchiha,”

Sasuke nodded slowly as he contemplated the statement.

“Does she like to bury her head in your chest when she sleeps, Hyuuga?”

Sasuke smirked. Neji glared.

--

Sakura was seriously considering Neji’s previous statement about her habit of entertaining men in her bathroom. Upon entering her apartment, Naruto immediately lunged for the bathroom. Apparently he heard rumors about Sasuke messing up his orange masterpiece. After checking the ruination, Naruto was pleased that Sasuke only managed to wallpaper two out of the three walls available.

“Lucky for you Sakura-chan, I brought paint,” the fox grinned mischievously, obviously thinking he was doing her a favor of divine proportion.

“Oh no, don’t you even think about it,” she snarled warningly and pounced on the blonde.

They stumbled to the ground with Naruto strategically placed himself on the bottom to cushion her.

“I am not about to have Sasuke brooding again,” the medic said. She settled her head on his arm comfortably, “he’s already jealous as is.”

“Is he jealous of you or Neji… it’s getting awfully difficult to differentiate,” Naruto feigned a groan when she jabbed his side playfully.

“Weren’t you the one who made the first move on my fiancé?”

“We are so screwed up,” she muttered, playing with a strand of pink hair. It was manufactured dye and was no where near her natural color, but she was glad her head was no longer festive yellow.

“Um…Sakura-chan? Why are there Icha Icha Paradise posters on your ceiling?”

--

Outside her apartment, a civilian delivery man knocked on her door. He leaned to the side to check her address and nodded approvingly when he knew he got the right place. He tugged his collar to relieve the rising temperature. When no one answered his insistent knocks, the man called out.

“Delivery for Sakura Haruno,”

With the heat of the sun dancing on his back, he was almost tempted to leave. But it just wasn’t professional to leave a giant coffin outside of someone’s apartment. That and he needed the tips.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

To be continued by Sailor Silver Moon

Hands Silver a beating heart…. Um… I… love… you?

Silver decided to leave me with a kiss between Neji and Sasuke, hence destroying my normally awesome love triangles. So I decided to leave her with Sasuke’s jealousy, the entry of a new player regarding The Bathroom, and a coffin (anna was feeling vengeful).

See? It works like this- you leave us a line, in return Silver will leave you with chapter 7 (and that has many, many fabulous lines). A good trade off, if I don’t say so myself.