Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, stuff was happening

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, stuff was happening. Not the good kind of stuff either, the bad kind of stuff. The kind of stuff where bad, bad men are trying to kill a reasonably popular authority figure and you know the combat won’t even be to fun to watch because it mostly consists of 2 people charging each other while blindly swinging a weapon until someone dies. That’s just how bad it was.

In these desperate times, a fair young eleven maiden named Mindy was wasting away in a prison cell for a crime that no-one is really sure what it is. She had the bright blue eyes, neon pink hair and giant, roughly banana shaped head that can only come from a game that gave a few too many customizable options in its character creator. She was also in a prison cell that the King who’s about to die was trying to pass through to escape assassins who will catch up with him anyways. That’s the only important part of this paragraph, because I will probably change my character’s design before she leaves the sewers. It’s not good to have an ugly assed character, you know.

Anywho, the king and his guards open the secret path in the prison, and Mindy follows them because it’s slightly more fun then staying in jail and getting shouted at by that annoying guy in the other cell who I seriously hope I get to kill in some assassinish kind of mission as a side quest.

The secret path was needlessly long and dangerous, because the king’s guards didn’t trust Mindy enough to let her hang out with them. Apparently people in jail just aren’t safe to have around kings these days. What is the world coming to?

Mindy killed some rats, then some goblins, the another rat, then the game taught her how to sneak, then she snuck in a big circle for hours for level grinding purposes, then she followed the path some more, then she ran into the king again, then assassins jumped out, then the kings guards ran at them while randomly swinging swords, then they all died (the assassins, not the guards), then the king randomly trusted Mindy for no real reason, then he led Mindy to a more secluded area, then an assassin killed him and Mindy didn’t do a thing to stop it, then the caption of the guards believed her that she didn’t do it for no reason, then she got the key to leave the sewers, then she left the sewers. Level 1 done! God knows how many to go!

Also, Mindy changed her character to have short, brown hair and a more human shaped face. That may be important at some point, who knows?

Our hero then valiantly ran into the wilderness in the general direction of the monastery, to repeat to some guy information that she had skipped over when it was in the conversation with the king, but she still apparently knew. The journey was long and…. Uh…. Just long. Why use rapid travel? That won’t bring up athletic skills at all! The monastery had another reasonably important conversation that mostly got skipped over because it seemed slightly boring.

From the monastery, Mindy valiantly traveled to that town that the map told her to go to. It had some giant, swirling portal to hell in front of it or something. Whatever it was, Mindy thought it looked pretty cool. It was also unbearably easy to slaughter a path through it, since the monsters scale up based on Mindy’s level and she wasn’t sleeping ever. After a long-assed time of sneak-punch back of demon’s head- repeat, everyone in the portal was dead and…

HOLY SHIT! I JUST HEARD SOMETHING! What the hell was that… oh, just the cat. Maybe I shouldn’t still be up a 3am, getting a bit jumpy…. Oh well…

Everyone in the portal was dead. Some of the dudes Mindy ran into near the end were tough, but it was nothing her mad awesome skills couldn’t handle. Also, she could load after every mistake and they couldn’t. That’s a big advantage. In the end, she removed a crystal looking thing and the gate collapsed.

On the outside, solders were saying they should take back the city or something. Mindy didn’t care much so she just turned the difficulty on the game way down and let them deal with it. It can’t defeat the spirit of the game too much, and it let’s me eat my Kraft Dinner in peace without worrying about how the fight is going. You go, Mindy! Stair at that wall! They will kill all the demons for you and love you for it!

Mindy got bored of staring at that wall before the fighting was finished, so she decided to abandon this quest and do some subquesting.

She went into town and killed the first person she saw, hoping to get invited to the dark brotherhood. Unfortunately, the first person she saw was one of them Imperial Guards who totally failed to die like I said he did. Instead, he lived and said “stop right there criminal scum” and stuff.

It was really bad. Mindy didn’t have the monies to pay her fine, so that was out of the question. She also couldn’t go to jail because a delicate little high elf could never survive in there. She was left with no other option but to fight!

Mindy charged the guard, swinging her sword haphazardly in the vague hopes it would hit something. The guard charged back, swinging a much bigger sword much harder. Mindy died within seconds, and in a rare moment of artistic license the author decided the guard must have cut her head off, put it on a pike and used it to scare everyone out of punching him again. Also, someone tried to harvest her for organs, but her kidneys had some weird, unique blood type no one else had so the transplant was a failure and a puppy died.

The End.