|The Butterfly Man
Author: seafoam-pulse PM
It was quite distressing really. Choji’s lived up to his name in the worst way possible. It started sometime around 17 and he was hit by that stunning growth spurt...Rated: Fiction K - English - Parody - & Chōji A. - Words: 973 - Published: 07-02-08 - Status: Complete - id: 4364757
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
I don't own Naruto. Hah! I remembered to disclaim (goes off to reward good behaviour with cookies...glares at Choji eyeballing said cookies...crams all cookies in mouth...chokes.) Anyways, I wrote this because I was in a silly mood, hope you enjoy it :)
It was quite distressing really. Choji's lived up to his name in the worst way possible. It started sometime around 17 and he was hit by that stunning growth spurt. Akimichis never grow in a subtle way and Choji shot up. Of course he was extra hungry during that time and team ten's speed dramatically increased with the competition for food. It wasn't even safe to eat in your own house because every meal Choji showed up just before and after a minute of chit chat with your mother he would be sitting at your elbow. Smiling sunnily at you the while plotting to steal every scrap of nourishment from right under your nose. He must have had the house under surveillance or developed a program for predicting your family's movements, that's how precise he was at turning up on time.
An appetite like that couldn't be satiated just by his nearest and dearest; he had been forced to seek fresh sources of snacks.
He started with the middle-aged women. After all, he managed to get all your mothers doting on him. He didn't seem to find it odd that these women who couldn't have cared less for his chubby seven year old self found their 'maternal instincts' coming to life only when he hit his teens. His explanation was that he wasn't hungry enough as a kid. You trivialised the explanation at the time but it made sense, he didn't have the drive back then to unsheathe his devastating charm.
And devastating it was, because the next group to fall victim to his sweet smile and broad shoulders were the girls. They were the worst, because they didn't expect it. People had always known Choji as the fat kid from the screwball team and then suddenly they're confronted with the meta-morphed version. You remember it with unfortunate detail. He'd somehow acquired a peachy complexion (wait a second, he'd always had that), bright, kindly black eyes (no, he'd already had those too), soft, red, cupid's bow lips (ok, those might have been there before) and a damnably ripped and sculpted body which he did nothing to deserve (Ha! At last, something that had changed).
The pre-school class' crush on the Uchiha brat was nothing compared to the Choji-mania. He never exactly promised anything, so you couldn't even blame him for deceiving the girls. His seduction strategy was devilishly simple. He'd ask them if they'd like to grab a meal with him, scoop them off the floor if their knees failed, listen to them while he ate everything on the table and then tell them he'd really enjoyed spending time with them and then leave before they'd blinked the hearts out of their eyes. He didn't even have to lie. That's where things started getting out of hand. They started pouring their hearts out to sympathetic Choji who then had find ways to cheer them up without over committing stretched-thin resources.
To prevent the girls getting too intimate he'd started dining with larger groups. That's when he discovered he could use the girls to distract the guys from their food and began to delve into the fine art of conversation manipulation. A word here, a smile there and he could have passionate arguments breaking out in between specific people or multiple tables depending on how fast he could dispose of their food. Once, just for fun he set a whole restaurant into an uproar. The smug bastard even managed to keep his nice guy reputation whilst he wreaked havoc because technically, he never started the arguments.
The other young, hopeful studs were jealous at first. Who wouldn't be? And cheesed off, after all, this was the 'fat kid' stealing their babes. But who wants to argue with over six-foot of muscle. There were some, after all, 49 of the population had below than average IQ but a couple of knocks from a fist the size of beach ball proved remarkably educational. When they realised they couldn't beat him they joined him. Choji, the epitome of cool didn't even have to pretend he didn't care less either way. As long as the tribute food kept coming he was un-interested in whether or not they hung out with him. The only thing he somewhat regretted was the crowds made cloud watching with a quiet bag of chips impossible.
But young people only eat at certain times during the day, so Choji dedicated himself to getting on with people of all age groups (and eating times). He met old ladies for afternoon tea, kids for recess, grizzled middle-aged shinobi for late night kebabs. He became president of a couple of clubs, got several part time jobs in the food industry which he promptly lost with no hard feelings. He had foot-long tabs in all the most popular restaurants. Instead of being thrown out on sight the restaurants would brag about the lengths of them and only grudgingly accept payment. In short, Choji became a local legend.
Choji's now the head of infiltration, turns out a charming grin from him works faster than seduction. But we're not envious, people who're too naïve to conceal their talents deserve to have them exploited by their Hokage. He hasn't been back long enough to cause Shizune to start fumbling since he got his promotion.