Ok is here it goes… This is my first attempt ever to write anything remotely funny. Usually I write something super depressing or drama related. Sometimes I write something funny when I’m not meaning to. I don’t really have much of a sense of humor, and the little bit I do have is all sarcasm. If this isn’t as funny as it sounds then I invite you to tell me so, I don’t mind. The only reason I’m writing this is because I thought it would be hilarious and I couldn’t forget it.

The story takes place in Twilight, sometime during the summer after Bella’s junior year. It involves cars, jail time, jealousy, fights, and tons of ‘funny’ drama. I rated this T for the langue; otherwise it would be K+. If I get any details wrong go ahead and sue me

I don’t own Twilight; if I did I wouldn’t live in California counting the days until I can go to college (four years, and a couple of months). I also wouldn’t be writing this. Instead I would be sipping lemonade in a rain storm in Washington, where there is no annoying heat whatsoever.

Anyways I hope this is funny, and please review.

Underlined is the stuff that Edward hears, I don’t want to confuse anyone.

Emmett

“Is Bella coming over today Edward?” I asked innocently enough while trying to keep my mind blank. If he knew what I had planned for her he wouldn’t allow for near the house for the rest of summer. This was going to the best day ever if everything went accordingly.

“Of course, Emmett, she comes over every day.” He stared at me curiously before continuing. “Why? What do you have planned?”

Dear little brother, let’s just say today will be full of very illegal activities.

I ran off to get Rosalie before he could decipher anymore of my thoughts, and let him to think about what he had just heard.

Three hours earlier

Jasper was beating me at video games again. Somehow no matter what he was always able to beat me, a task no one else was able to perform. I felt a wave of hopelessness which made me fall behind farther.

Wait a sec, that’s cheating! I reached up and smacked Jasper in the back of the head. “Hey what was that for?”

“You were messing with my head again! I talked to Carlisle before he left about this, and you promised to behave!” Damn Jasper, always using his special talents to screw with people. I didn’t mind if he messed with other people but did he really have to mess with me? If only I had a talent like that, I would make Jasper feel like dressing up and tights and screaming ‘I’m peter pan’ in front of the whole school. Pay back is sweet, if only it would work.

“I only promised that I would ‘try’ to control my power. How do you know I’m not trying?” He smiled and I felt a little calmer towards him until I realized he was doing it again.

“Jasper! We both know I’m the better racer, so it doesn’t make sense that you keep winning the game!”

“Actually we both don’t know that, I would be willing to beat anything that I could beat you.” I suddenly had a brilliant idea, why couldn’t we find out who was the best racer? We had the cars, and no parents. Carlisle and Esme went on some doctor’s conference over in Seattle, for a couple of weeks. There was nothing holding us back.

“Why don’t we? I would bet on my jeep that I could beat you, fair and square.”

Jasper smiled at this contemplating the idea. “Deal, I could get Rosalie to lend me her convertible.”

Good luck on that Jazz… Rosalie didn’t just let people borrow her car. Sometimes I think she loves it more than me. He would have better luck asking Edward to borrow his Volvo.

Wait a second… Edward could race too! When I won this would prove without all doubt that I was the best racer.

“Why don’t we get Edward to play too? The winner could get a big prize, and the losers would have to do whatever the winner told them too!” I would be able to humiliate both Jasper and Edward all in one day, this couldn’t get better.

Jasper mulled this over for half a second, his smile getting wider until I was afraid he was going to go all out crazy happy on me, and then flipped into a frown. “We would never get Edward to leave Bella for one second!”

That was very true; Edward was spending so much time with Bella, it was hard to imagine what they were doing together. I had my suspicions, but knowing Edward and Bella for that matter it wasn’t possible. Still, one had to wonder…

“Why do we need to separate them? Bella, Alice, and Rosalie could ride with us to make sure we don’t cheat.” I put a heavy emphasis on the word cheat, Jasper and Edward would stop at nothing to make sure they won.

“We would have to switch the partner’s around a bit to make sure that worked. For instance Bella couldn’t ride with Edward because she would do anything for him. She would lie and say he didn’t cheat if he did. Some goes for Rosalie.”

I huffed a little because I could see where he was going. He was implying that Rosalie and I couldn’t be trusted. Sure he had said the same thing about Edward and Bella but those two were devious, and would cheat if it came down to it. If anything Jasper and Alice were a much more dangerous pair anyways, and he didn’t say he couldn’t ride with her.

“I agree, but you can’t ride with Alice either. We should also up the stakes; the person we ride with should be part of your team, and if you win they win, if you lose they lose. In the event that you lose your team mate has to suffer the same fate with you.” I could feel the excitement on my face now. I would be able to humiliate Rosalie, Alice, Jasper, and Edward today. I wanted Bella to ride with me so I could ask her a couple of questions about Edward, for future reference of course.

“Emmett I would’ve thought hell would freeze over before I said this, but YOU ARE A GENIUS!” It was obvious that he was thinking the same thing I was thinking, he thought he was going to win. I let would let him fry me on a stick before I let him do that.

“Finally someone that sees the way I do!”

“This is without a doubt your best idea ever! Now we have to decide who everyone will ride with, and make up the course.”

“I call Bella for my partner! Rosalie should ride with you because she won’t want to let her car out of her sight. Alice can ride with Edward in the Volvo.” The expression on Jasper’s face faltered a little again, he didn’t want to ride with Rosalie, and I couldn’t say I blamed him. She was a horrible back seat driver.

“No fair! I wanted to ride with Bella!” I thought of what would happen if Jasper was alone n the car with Bella; I could practically see Jasper licking his lips getting ready to bit her.

“First of all this was my idea I get first pick, secondly Edward would never allow you in the car alone with her if he even allows her to be involved in the race.” Edward could be overprotective at times, so we would have to keep this a secret until Bella comes over so I could talk to her first, and have her talk Edward into it.

Jasper growled at me, the sound vibrated off the walls making them shake. Only Edward’s anger was more impressive. “Oh stop it; we need to go pick the race route. This fight can wait until I win.” At that I ran out of the room with Jasper close behind me.

For the next three hours we scoped out all of Forks road’s and finally deiced it would be best if we held the race around the whole city, the first car to make it around three times being the winner. The rules of the race were also simple enough:

No shortcuts

No crashing into other cars that might be on the road.

No veering off the road at all

Everyone’s vehicle had to stay at a constant speed of 200 mph, or above.

The last rule would bother Bella a little, but I would just have to convince her it was worth it to get to see Edward humiliated.

Alice screamed from upstairs. Jasper ran up to see what was wrong. I heard yelling and more screaming for a couple of seconds before they both came downstairs to stand opposite to me. Jasper was trying to suppress a smile, while Alice looked more pissed off than I had ever seen her before.

“EMMETT CULLEN WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO!” The sound of Alice screaming out me was more than I could bear. I covered my ear drums in attempt to silence her squealing voice.

“Calm down Alice,” I said while still blocking out my ears. I removed my hand before I spoke again. “I didn’t do anything to you? Why did you see something?”

“What do you mean, did I see something? Do you want to know what I saw? I saw my entire wardrobe going up in flames! This has to have something to do with you. Only you would stoop so low as to burn my closet!” I started laughing. No wonder Jasper thought this was funny! Everyone in this house had been tortured by Alice and the inhabitants of her closet so many times it was a wonder no one had burned it yet. The two to fall victim to Alice’s passion for dressing people up the most were Jasper and Bella. This had to have something to do with the race; this meant that Alice and Edward lost. So either Jasper’s team or my team was going to win.

Alice stuck out her finger and poked my torso. This caught me off guard and nearly knocked me over. I stopped laughing. “So answer me, what do you have to say for yourself?”

“One word: racing.” Alice looked confused for a moment before her eyes glazed over. When she came out of her trance a moment later she smiled, clearly understanding what I said.

“I like that idea Emmett, I’m willing to participate. I can also help Bella with Edward.” Wonderful!

“You will lose though, you know that right?”

“I know but it will all be worth it in the end, for me at least. Though I do hope the future changes, I would prefer to have all my clothes.” I was shocked at this statement; Alice was still willing to race even though she might lose all of her clothes. The outcome must be pretty amazing. I wondered what she had seen in that vision of hers…

“Alice what exactly did you see?”

“Emmett, don’t worry you will find out soon enough.” She smiled at that, seeming to be suggesting something that only she knew. “But be quiet, Edward will walk in, in a moment from being out at Bella’s house all night. Give him some time to change clothes and leave him a clue before Bella comes over, but make it very vague. I want to see what he will come up with. Oh and then go get Rosalie and tell her, she’s up stairs staring at the mirror.” I tried to make sense of the jumble of words that came out of Alice’s mouth, she sure could talk fast.

Edward opened the door, paused to look at us, and flew up to his room to change. In a few seconds he was down again, and sat down on the couch Jasper and I had recently occupied, to wait for Bella. I stood up and went to sit next to him, and started talking.

Edward

Emmett’s thoughts replayed in my hand. Dear little brother, let’s just say today will be full of very illegal activities. What illegal activities? And what did it have to do with Bella. She would be over in less than seven minutes, and I didn’t plan on getting her into trouble today.

He’s probably started a drug trafficking scheme just for his own amusement. He would get us all arrested! Thank goodness this was a Saturday, so at least Charlie wouldn’t be the one doing to arresting.

Jasper gave Alice a meaningful look. They were in on it!

He feels confused right now, our plan is working.

Alice had similar thoughts. Three minutes until Bella gets here… Then Emmett will tell her and we will work on Edward. Once he gets past his aversions to Bella taking part, he will love the idea.

They were both very careful to avoid actually thinking anything detailed about Emmett’s plan. Whatever it was, it had everyone in the house excited, no doubt something dangerous. But judging by what they were thinking it sounded appealing, Alice even thought Bella would like it. It couldn’t be too far out, if that was the case. Then again Bella had always been attracted to danger.

Rosalie and Emmett walked in. Rosalie had sparkles in her eyes that could only be aroused by her own reflection, Emmett, or cars. I hoped it had something to do with the latter, staring at Rose didn’t excite me and either did the things those two did together.

My baby is brilliant! I didn’t think Emmett would be capably of thinking up something like this! And the added bonus of Alice’s clothes being burned is almost too much to bear. She leaned up and kissed Emmett on the mouth. Despite the disgusting scene I was being forced to witness I was gladdened by the prospect of Alice’s closet being burned. Anything that resulted in that was sure to be wonderful. Alice was right Bella would love this. Speaking of Bella she should be here my now…

I heard the grumble of her car’s engine, pulling up into the driveway. It silenced. I should hear the patter of her footsteps when she jumped down from her car seat. The door to her truck slammed, and I heard more footsteps as she walked up to the door and knocked. I stood up to answer the door but Emmett got there first. He opened the door and lead Bella to the dining room.

I strained to hear what they were talking about, but failed. The conversation was quickly over and when Bella came back into the room she was smiling. She had the prettiest smile I had ever seen. Her whole face smiled along with her month. Her hair even managed to look different, happy, if such a thing were possible.

She interrupted my thoughts my speaking. “Edward I have to talk you about something.”

I nodded eager to listen to anything that made Bella smile. Maybe Rose was right about one thing; Emmett could very possibly be brilliant.

Bella

I could barely believe what Emmett had just told me. Racing around Forks at 200 mph? The number sounded almost too big for me to conceive. I had never been in a car that went that fast before. The thought made me feel slightly sick. But the chance to be able to order Edward to do anything I wanted if we won was too great to pass up. However the big deal winner was the fact that Alice’s wardrobe was going up in smoke. No more being dressed up like a Barbie doll, well at least not for awhile.

“I’m in. We have to make sure we win though.”

“I knew you would go for it!” He gave me a high five.

“Now we just have to break it too Edward.” I murmured softly.

“Don’t worry, Alice will help you with that.”

I put on a smile knowing hoping that Edward would let me be in the car with Emmett if he thought it made me happy.

When I walked back into the living room I saw that Edward was smiling too, hopefully he would like the idea.

“Edward I have to talk you about something.”

“Yes, love?”

I explained the plan to him exactly the way Emmett had explained it to me. When I was finished I saw that his face had changed, he was no longer smiling, but he wasn’t frowning. Instead his face was composed into a perfect emotionless mask, the perfect poker face.

“So what do you think?”

“You want me to allow you to risk your life, and allow you to be a part of this race while Emmett of all people is driving the car at 200 mph? Do you realize how dangerous this could be? What is the purpose here anyways?” His voice was on the verge of yelling, and his face was now alive with anger.

“So what? It’s not like you don’t drive that fast when you drive me everywhere else. I just want to have a little fun, and I happen to like this idea.” His face softened up when he realized the logic behind my statement.

Alice spoke up. “Edward you know Emmett is just as good of a driver as you are, if not better. I also know you would secretly like it if we won the race and you were able to order everyone around. What’s the harm in a little fun?”

“I guess there is really no harm… But we won’t win will we? You didn’t see that in your vision did you?” We were working some common sense on him and Edward was cracking.

“No I didn’t but I will do everything in my power to make sure we win. Besides we changed the outcome of my visions before, so we can do it now.”

“Yes that might work Alice… good idea.” I tell Edward was commenting on one of Alice’s thoughts that were alluding to their racing strategy. “Ok Bella, you can be part of the race, but just remember if we win I won’t go easy on you.” His tone was playful but his words were serious, I could tell that he was speaking the truth.

“If we win I won’t go easy on you either Edward.” I meant it just has much has he did. He might be my soul mate but there was no way I would give into her without a fight.

Emmett was overjoyed that Edward had agreed to the game. He lead everyone outside to where the cars were already lined up ready to go. All we had to do was get in and wait till the count of five. Each time we passed the house we completed a lap. When your team completed three laps you stopped your car and waited for the others to get back. The first one back was the winner. All the other teams were losers, and were at the full mercy of the winning team.

Before everyone got into their separate cars Emmett had one more thing to say. “Vampires and ladies let the best team win. May this be one of the many Cullen-Hale Emmett cups!” I looked at everyone else’s faces, they were all smiling at Emmett’s stupidity expect for Jasper who looked completely pissed off. He mumbled something around the lines of “F U Emmett, it was my idea too!” I giggled at that while Emmett led me to his jeep completely ignoring Jasper’s outburst. Apparently Jasper lost control of his emotions a lot.

I sat down and strapped myself in while Emmett waited for me. After I was done he started the countdown.

“On your mark get’s set go at five—“Alice interrupted him.

“I think Jasper should do the honors this time Emmet.” Jasper smirked at this while Emmet looked like he was ready to beat the pulp out of him.

“On your mark get’s set go at five,” Jasper said mimicking Emmett exactly. “One, two, three, four,five”

Not even a mille-second after Jasper said ’five’ we were off. This was worse than the running with Edward, I felt like I would be propelled out of seat at any given second. We were going to fast the wind ripped my hair out of its ponytail and it flew around everywhere. Then we went over a pothole. I was thrown up into the air and when my body came down it hit the seat so hard I would probably have bruises. Emmett say this and he laughed.

“Just hold on a bit longer Bella, we are almost done with our first lap.”

“How can that be possible? We just started!”

“I can’t talk right now Bella, Jasper is winning. I’m going to speed up so be prepared!”

This time when were increased the speed I screamed, and nearly fainted.

I heard a faint whining sound over the sound of the car and the wind. I realized what it was.

“Emmett do you hear that? I think the police are chasing us!”

“Oh shit it is isn’t it? Well Bella what do you think about Car chasings?”

“.”