It has been four months! Four months! And we have JUST been allowed to walk the grounds and she has JUST let us start visit the closest town. And worsted of all we had no Christmas feast or party or celebration! I would have died if we hadn’t had presents, thankfully my mother and father sent some or else I would have despaired. I only got two dresses and hoods, how can that be considered gifts? However I did get one gift that I truly liked was a papillon puppy, he is truly adorable and where father got him from I don’t know. I called him Edward, I don’t know why though and whenever he does or needs to do his dirty business a servant comes and tidies up after him! So I don’t have too.

We have not heard a word from Catherine, well not strictly so. She has sent letters to Anne but I do not care for them.

“Do you not care about Catherine?” Anne asks looking up from one of Catherine’s messy looking letters. I crinkle my nose and look at myself in a looking glass.

“No why should I? She got us locked up for four months in this drearily castle, remember how badly you hated that?” I point out while sorting my hood. I see her sigh and I smile. She made a right fuss about being locked up, I asked her why but she replied she enjoyed walking in the gardens I suspect that was not the reason but I knew things would finally unravel.

Elizabeth had been in a great mood in the last two weeks of December but know constantly worried about master Maxtern, who I have not mentioned! He left at the start of January to sort out some business, not before kissing my hand and saying he would return to see me, he did not say this to that harlot Elizabeth or that milky faced Mary. However Lord Drummond had not left, and was spending more time with us which was awkward.

“Because she is your friend!” Anne pleaded; I turn around and look at her without empathy. I have matured over the winter my breast have now grown a little (compared to some) and my features divined more. Anne sat on the chair with the letters on her lap; she was always pretty and mature but now looked pathetic for pitying Catherine.

“No, she was not and is not, “I say turning back around to admire myself, Anne groaned in frustration. “Why do you care about that little harlot anyway?” I say without remorse. I know Anne is shocked, I can feel it in the air.

“She lived with you two years; she played silly little children’s games with you. She was nothing but kind to you and because she chose her own destiny that makes her a harlot?” I sigh at this rant; I barely listen to her whining

“She disobeyed her family and confined us to this castle” I say moving a lock of hair from my face. Anne groans loudly and stands us, turns me around.

“For love! Jane, love!” she says passionately, I just shrug and return to improving my beauty, Anne shrugs and looks into my reflection’s eyes.

“Do you not care for anyone else’s love, no? Nothing matters but Hugh and Jane’s pitiful love” she says bitterly. My beautiful face falls. How dare she say such a thing! She was on my side! My side! My anger rises and I give her the look which tells her to leave me, she pulls a scornful face before storming out the room. I cannot belief she would say such a thing! To me, my great aunty owns the castle; I will have her thrown out in disgrace. I need to find her weakness; I have to get her back for such a comment. The only person I can trust is Mary, she’s too stupid to have ambition and I miss simple Catherine too. Anne and Elizabeth are too witty and smart to be fully trusted. I walk out of the room hurriedly and down a hall, I don’t care where it leads too I just walk. A servant holding a letter appears and hands me the letter, I can tell it’s from Hugh. Who else would send me letters?

I find a quiet spot in the garden to read it, under the tree where he caught me. Despite the cold of the weather I sit on the snowy ground, and read the letter.

Jane,

I must brief in this letter. The weather is turning foul and it must be sent, no doubt you would worry if it was late. My affairs with good friends of mine and important politicians and people have kept me away, but I hope to return to see your beautiful and youthful face, your golden locks and sweet smile.

However, I will not return to stay at Dermwick castle, Perhaps I may visit. I cannot see you. Tell everyone I send my greetings and that I will send a gift as a token of my gratitude.

Our love cannot be without you giving yourself to me. I need to know you will give your life to me. Until then I cannot love you

H. Maxtern

I cannot breathe. It was either the shock of the letter or the cold thick air. Everything in the garden is dead and buried, are his feelings too? Does he know what he is asking of me? If I give up my maidenhood before marriage that is a sin, the child will be a bastard and if he refuses me? I will be worthless. Who will marry an adulteress? I gasp for air. I cannot breathe. I want to obey him; I want to show him that I love him. I see Anne walking towards the caste on one of her “walks” I clutch the letter to my breast. My heart pounds under the thin paper that his hands had briefly touched. She looks at me, frowns then goes on her way. I get up and walked to the castle, it’s stone walls cooled by the winter weather and I find some comfort that I am safe behind its walls. I fake illness and go straight up to bed. While everyone else is on a trip to the town, I lay in my bed sheets; alone. I get up and decide to sit by the fire in the sitting room. Just over an hour ago Anne told me in that room that nothing mattered more to me than his love, I guess she was right. I sit closely to the fire, the soft burning feeling on my shivering skin feels so good. Why did he want me to show him how much I loved him? Why could words not work? I spy Catherine’s letters on the floor. Deciding that her life of poverty must be worse than mine I read them.

The letters told of how happy and free she was. They had a small manor and farm and lived modestly and happily and they were wed and expecting their first. In a fit of rage I scrunched the letters up and through them into the fire. All my hate and anger fuelling the flames, I watched as the papers shrunk and blackened. But it did nothing to improve my mood; I went over to the window. The sitting room is one of four towers, the one overlooking the entrance to the castle, when I first saw Hugh. My emotions swell and I shed tears. I cannot be seen in tears by anyone so I sing. I sing about love lost at sea.

The next two weeks past slowly and the weather cruel, I cannot do anything be grief over Hugh’s letter. I spend most of my time singing or if I want to realise my feelings I ride to the sea. Mary is still blissfully unaware that if I am discarded she is very much discarded but goes about on her little fancies about him liking her. Elizabeth is very reserved not like her usual bossy self and Anne is very quiet also. Nothing of interest happens and other than I bought a collar for little Edward. He really is a good and clever boy.

The only thing of interest happened on the second day of February. I was walking around the castle, as it was too wet to walk about the garden, and came upon Anne. She was sitting in an archway close to the entrance, reading a letter and every so often she would smile to herself and place her hand on her chest. Odd I thought but then she saw me. I saw the panic in her eyes but then she recovered herself, hiding the letter up her sleeve and walking briskly passed me.

“Anne “I called out. She turned and looked dismissively at me. We have not spoken in more than three weeks and I start to cry. I miss my friend and I need someone to confide in. She holds out her arms and gives me a hug. We sit for hours talking about my woes until eventually I ask her about her letter.

“I should not tell you” she says wearily.

“Anne you are my friend” she smiles awkwardly then sighs.

“They are from a boy named Richard, we are in love” she confesses. I am shocked by her calmness.

“How long?” I ask soberly

“Two months”

“And you did not think to tell me? Anne”

“He is only a poet that is why I have not told you “I gasp a mere poet? She normally aims to charm lords and earls but a mere poet?

“And have you...?” I say quietly, she is shocked but regains herself.

“No but he wants to marry me”

“And?”

“I do not know yet” I eye her suspiciously. I do not belief Anne would be without thought but I genteelly patted her arm. I later found out that Anne kept all his letters under her pillow, this was sweet I wish I could have done the same.

The weeks pasted, winter started to fall into spring. We fell into patterns, I sat staring out the window or singing or I would write letters to Hugh pleading my love was true. Anne disappeared then reappeared but was as always pretended nothing happened. Mary being dull and dim as always, she is getting on my nerves so much right now! Not to mention Elizabeth. Still the weather is fair, soon I’ll be allowed to travel to the sea. Hopefully i’ll see Hugh’s house.