|Beast Boy the Conquorer Paintball War Overlord
Author: Toriano.Flacko PM
This is random. I've said it before, this time I mean it. The boringest day on Earth, and BB gets ahold of a paintball gun. If any pairings, BBRae, RobStar, Cy?. Rated M for language and some adult themes. CHILDREN LOOK AWAY!Rated: Fiction M - English - Parody/Humor - Beast Boy & Nya-Nya - Chapters: 5 - Words: 7,628 - Reviews: 26 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 11-19-09 - Published: 07-08-08 - id: 4380974
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
cRaZyMaN676 Reportin' 4 duty!!
So, seems like we're doin' better at this, eh?
Flamy:(slits wrists) Sigh....
Tanner: STOP DOIN' THAT YOU MORON!!
Disclaimer: Blahblahblah, something about not really owning the Teen Titans, blahblahblah...
Chapter Oh Come On Like You're Still Keepin' Track of This
"ALRIGHTY THEN!" All present winced at the sudden yell, staring wide-eyed at the teen it had come from. "Finally! I know what's going on--" Before he could get another word out, Hulk-SeeMore disappeared with a large explosion, for some reason. "CRAP!! Knew this shit would happen!" Typing another hundred commands into his laptop at a surprisingly high speed, he answered everyone's unasked question.
"What's going on is, everyone's either imploding, deteriorating, or exploding from being in the presence of my Awesomeness."
"I'm serious!" He shouted, seeing the disbelieving looks on thier faces. "Whatever, don't believe me, just trust me when I say that this is for your own good." He pressed a button and suddenly everyone -Terra, Slade, Aussie-guy, Cyborg, Raven, Beast Boy, Starfire, and Robin- disappeared.
"Aaaand we're back with yet another installment of; The Gameshow of Deeeeeeaaath!!" We see a shaggy, no-doubt vagrant and crazy guy pop out of nowhere, yelling unnecessarily loud as he jumped around sporadically, smashing himself against the ground, trees, and giant anvils that dropped out of nowhere. "This is your host, Toooooooomm No-Last-Name!! Some of you may or may not know me as "Tom", but, well, whatever.
"Last time on the Gameshow of Death(tm), we met our contestants; a rather confused couple of teenage vigilante superheroes, a major bad guy, and a would-be bad guy who really doesn't belong in this thing. Why is he still here? Well, the director won't let us kick him out, so..." Tom ducked as a chair whizzed by his head. "Right, then! Let's check up on how they're doing, shall we? First up, we have The Traffic Light!"
A picture of an actual traffic light popped up out of nowhere.
"No, not that one idiots! Who the fuck is in charge up there? No, wait, hold on..."
Inconspicuously, the picture morphed into a picture of Robin in a towel and a shower cap, singing into a pink hairbrush.
"Yeah, that's... better. I guess. Anyway, he was given the task of evading every fan of the original Teen Titans team in the world, conveniently all gathered as the Fall Convention in San Francisco. If any of them were to catch him, the acrobat would have to literally fuck them into submission and do the Walk of Shame before running away again! If he was caught too many times, he would either die from over-exertion, or he would be eliminated from the Competition. Same difference either way, but hey, who the hell is gonna notice that?! Speaking of WonderBread, how are things going over there, Pat?!"
The screen flips to a different scene, where everything was shifting at an angle and constantly moving. Then the face of some tired, bedraggled and excited businesswoman wearing a suit with her jacket tied around her waist was superimposed into view in the right side of the screen.
"Hi, Tom, guys! Pat's a little bit busy, so this is Natalie here! You can just call me Nat!"
"Hey, Nat, good to see you! What's up over there?!"
"Nothing much, hold on one sec...!" The woman, Natalie, shifted the camera in her hands till she was running backwards, smiling at the screen as statistics scrolled across over the stampeding crowd. "Well, the Beast Boy fan girls are starting to realize that it's not the green teen that they're chasing, and are starting to sit out on the sidewalk in a major wet-bikini suit competition! Oh, wait, no, that's a mud fight! Totally hot!! The Raven fan guys are committing mass suicide back here, but nobody really cares about them, so fuck 'em. Still, they're slowing progress down so we're gonna need a street-cleaner down here in a little bit. Bummer... Cyborg fan girls and guys are getting tired of the bull-shit and want to see some metal action, so at the moment they're pulling out random artillery weapons out of nowhere-- for instance, that little girl just brought a bazooka out of what I'm hoping was nowhere. Nobody's firing any weapons yet, though, but hey, it could happen! Oh, and the Starfire fan girls and guys are over on the sidewalk having a major orgy with the Beast Boy fan girls!
"I'm hoping nobody really cares about all the other Titans because sadly, their fans caught on a lot quicker and are busy tracking down Will Shatner for bringing them into this thing! Aaaand back to you Tom!" The screen shifted back to Tom, who was smiling while jerking off. Yes, it was that simple.
"Ooh, sounds interesting Nat!! Got to stay focused though; what's your bra size? Can I have your number when you get back to the studio? Will you ever give me a blowjob?!"
"Eh, lemme think... No, no, and... no. Anything else?"
"Uhm, yeah, has anyone actually even gotten close to the Boy Wonder?" The screen shifted back to Natalie, whose face and hair were suddenly for no apparent reason(yeah, right) splattered with gooey white stuff. You've got three guesses on what it is, and the first two don't count.
"Well, his fan guys (noshit) and fan girls are learning fast; they're disguising themselves as the alien girl and... Hold on, he's falling for it!! Let's get a close-up view, shall we?!" Seemingly oblivious to the splooge that inexplicably covered her face, the camera started tilting more as the lens zoomed in for a close-up view.
"Oh, wait! One of the fan girls screwed the fuck up!! She went for the Blackfire look instead of Starfire!! Crap, no, that is Blackfire, shopping for groceries!! What the hell is she-- ooh, Robin knocked her the fuck out and now he has her over one shoulder while he's still running!! COOOOOOOOL!! Otherwise, though, nobody's caught him yet! The Boy Blunder might actually survive this shit, Tom!!"
The screen finally shifted back to Tom, who was inconspicuously zipping up his pants and was red in the face. Why would that be, by the way?
"Right then! Let's go check on the other contestants!!"
The hacker stared at the television screen, eyebrow twitching as what he typed on the computer before him came to life on said screen.
"Dude, this is so fucking stupid... Why am I still writing this?!"
Then lightning struck out of nowhere on top of the teen's head, not burning his yellow hair but leaving a smokey scent in the air above his head. Oh, and pain, a lot of pain...
"Alright, alright, damn it!! Give me some time, would ya?!"
Lightning struck again in the exact same spot.
"I get it already, shut the fuck up!!"
With that he turned down the volume on the television and turned back to the laptop, muttering to himself.
"Joy? How's thing's going with Raven?" Again the screen shifted, this time to a scared-looking woman in a camo uniform/dress who apparently had an unbelievably steady hand, which focused the camera on her face and everything going on behind her.
"Well, Tom, it's like this; THE BITCH IS FUCKING CRAZY!! She's just supposed to be surviving till dawn with her virginity intact, right?"
"Well, right now the slut is dancing through the fucking Forest of Doom with a goddamn talking stuffed animal!"
The screen shifted back to Tom, who had one eyebrow raised while his hand reached down into his pants.
"What's your point? I mean... Doing what with a what?"
The screen shifted back to Joy. Again. Who was now running through the trees. "You heard me you illiterate bastard! I'm not gonna repeat myself! Oh, alright, maybe just this one time: the slut is dancing through the fucking Forest of Doom with a goddamn talking stuffed lion-looking thing!! Oh, and if anything gets in her way and I mean anything, she just rapes it into submission with random shit that she just pulls out of nowhere! Well, at least, I hope it's nowhere... But I know you're an unimaginative bastard with tight limits on using your own imagination, so howsabout I show you instead, hmm?!"
Joy suddenly stopped and crouched down on the ground, unknowingly giving the camera an up-close view of her cleavage. Then she twisted the lens around so it faced the other way and crawled forward till the lens peeked through a bush. Turning on the night-vision shit(since this IS nighttime there, y'know), she then turned off the light that had been illuminating the vision so far and made a clearing visible.
"You know, Joy, I just noticed something; where's the cameraman that's supposed to be handling that camera for you?"
Before Joy could even answer, Raven twirled into the clearing, swinging a teddy bear around in her arms as she sang.
In the background, a gruff string of swears could me heard emanating vaguely from the doll's general direction.
"Lady, I don't know who you are or where the hell you came from but will you FRICKIN' PUT ME DOWN OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL FUCKING MURDER YOU!!"
The screen shifted back to Tom who had this mysterious thudding going on in the background and this look on his face: 0.o, A.K.A. the universal "WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?!" face.
Once more, the screen shifted back to Joy and Raven. (re: this is where the yellow-headed dude mentioned earlier lost the footage of what happened so this is coming from memory. deal with it)
"Yeeeeeaaah, so. At the moment we are tracking the elusive "Crazy Raven." Now, you don't want to make any loud noises in case you disturb her(and of course, that would be a bad thing). Now, we are not sure just how long she has been around, but we do know some of her feeding habits. Not only are they strange, they--" Here she paused, looking over her shoulder for something. "Well, you know those animals we set out in the forest, right? The monkeys and... things?"
Tom stared. "You mean the fuck-monkeys and the writer's-block bunnies?"
"What about them?"
"She fucking ripped them apart, that's what."
"WHAT?! You know what I had to do to get those goddamn things?!"
"You sat on your ass and ate popcorn, what's so hard about that?"
Tom coughed awkwardly. "So, how was your day?"
"Well--" Joy began. Obviously she never got to finish, seeing as black tentacles that looked strangely like Raven's energy thingys suddenly pulled her away from the camera.
Tom stared, now alone on the screen. He then poked his head over into the other side of the screen with night-vision goggles as screaming started on the side where Joy had been.
"Well, folks, looks like Joy is incapacitated for now... whatever the hell that means. When we come back, we'll have the other idiots... where are they again? ahhh..."
The hacker glared up at the ceiling as he shut off the television.
"DAMN YOU METh-HEEEEAAAADS!!"
He was promptly zapped on the forehead with a bolt of lightning. Again.
(Chapter Whatever the hell we're on, end)