|I'll Be Watching You
Author: gidgetgal9 PM
Sam comes face to face with his past, and must deal with his buried feelings over the trauma he suffered eight years ago. Sequel to Every Breath You Take. Takes place directly after Home. Co-written by Sendintheclowns.Rated: Fiction M - English - Supernatural/Drama - Sam W. & Dean W. - Chapters: 14 - Words: 44,482 - Reviews: 216 - Favs: 44 - Follows: 19 - Updated: 08-07-08 - Published: 07-09-08 - Status: Complete - id: 4381805
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
I'll Be Watching You Chapter 14
Summary: Sam comes face to face with his past, and must deal with his buried feelings over the trauma he suffered eight years ago. Sequel to Every Breath You Take. Takes place directly after Home. Co-written Sendintheclowns and beta'd by Floralia.
Sam could feel hands touching, caressing him. He sighed. Jess, she always made him feel loved and safe. He could feel her nuzzling his neck and then there was pain. Heather.
He moaned, not sure if it was in pain or pleasure. Sam no longer felt safe and loved; his being was now full of lust and guilt.
He tried to push away. NO!
Sam shot straight up in bed and immediately felt hands on him. He struggled to get away until he heard his brother's voice.
"Sammy, you're okay." The grip loosened as Sam stopped struggling and he collapsed against his brother.
He felt Dean tense at first but soon, he was being pulled into a warm embrace.
Sam's throat felt like sandpaper, and he was drenched in sweat.
"You okay Sam?" Dean asked tentatively.
Sam nodded into Dean's chest. It was hard to form the words in his parched throat but he was able to rasp out. "Heather."
Dean sighed. "I figured. I'm just glad you're not delusional this time. Last time, I almost hurt you trying to get you to calm down."
Sam tightened his grip on Dean. Dean was his anchor through all of this Heather crap. "Sorry about that."
Dean pulled away enough to make eye contact. "Dude, if I had a dollar for every time you apologized this week, I'd be rich. Not your fault Sam. So stop it. I'm just glad you're doing better."
Sam gave Dean a weak smile. "Yeah, I can actually eat now without puking and I wake up with my mind intact in the real world now."
Dean smirked. "Whatever dude, like you have ever lived in the real world."
Sam shoved at his brother playfully. "Jerk."
Sam was about to continue their banter when there was a light knock at the bedroom door.
Dean jumped up and opened it, revealing Missouri with a lunch tray in hand. She walked over to Sam and nodded at him to take it from her.
"Thought I heard you stirring Sam, hope you're hungry? You're lucky that there is anything left to eat. That brother of yours about ate me out of house and home at lunch." Missouri winked as Sam smiled at her.
Sam shot Dean a mock glare. "Dude, how dare you! Eating everything up and living your sick brother with crumbs."
Dean huffed. "Dude, crumbs work for birds and since you eat like one…."
Dean was cut off by their hostess.
"Boys, stop. Dean, I know you're a growing boy and I'm not mad, but I do need you to run to the grocery store for me and stock me up." Missouri reached into her pants pocket and pulled out a list and a few bills.
Dean took the list but refused the money. "Least I can do is buy the supplies, your meals have been heavenly."
Missouri huffed. "Just get me some groceries boy, and leave the flattery for your cheap harlots."
Sam was able to eat most of his lunch which made Missouri happy. The boy had come along way in the last few days. Her herbal remedies had succeeded in helping Sam over the worst of the detox side effects. She just wished that she could help him with the mental pain.
It was hard to help when the boy refused to open up about his time - past and present- with Heather.
Damn Winchesters and their stubborn pride.
"Earth to Missouri." Sam smiled as he startled Missouri from her thoughts.
"I guess you did lose me there for a minute." Missouri returned Sam's smile.
"So, now that I'm feeling better- when are we going to start training? I would love to be able to shield the next psychic I run up against." Sam tone was light but his expression was anything but.
Missouri sighed. "Sam I know you have fears about your powers and other psychics after your recent encounter, but you have to realize that most psychics aren't out to hurt you."
Sam's face dropped and his eyes landed on his lap. "I'm not afraid of most psychics."
Missouri picked up on the tension in Sam's body. Heather was still haunting the boy, and he needed to face his fears about the vampire.
"Heather's gone, sweetie. I don't think you have to fear her, at least for now." Missouri watched as Sam flinched at the mention of Heather.
"She told me … God I just wish this would go away." Sam's voice was shaky and unsure. He was still refusing to make eye contact.
"Sam, I wish it would too. I know that what happened to you with Heather is complicated and not something you are comfortable discussing. But you need too. It's eating you up inside. So Sam, what did she tell you?" Missouri's tone was firm but her voice was soft.
"I can't." Sam said somberly.
"You can and you will tell me or I'm liable to get my wooden spoon out. Sam, honey you can tell me anything. I'm not going to judge you." Missouri tried to stay firm but reassuring in her tone.
"I know you won't but… this is so screwed up." Sam whole body was tense and she could feel his discomfort hit her in waves.
"Sam I know it's screwed up and a lot of what happened to you is embarrassing to talk about, but you need too. I haven't been prying on purpose but a lot of what has happened to you was broadcast to me when you were out of it and not in control of your thoughts. Please Sam, just let it out, I promise you'll feel better."
Sam blanched at the thought, Missouri had picked up on the dark sexual things that had happened to him. He wanted to crawl in a hole and hide.
But Sam knew from Missouri's tone that she wasn't going to let it this go and sighed in defeat. "I… wonder if she's still in my head when I sleep. She told me that psychic vampires can feed through…."
Sam went silent.
"Sam, I'm a psychic and after my first run in with Miss H, I did some research. Psychic vampire and succubi can feed through wet dreams. You're afraid that she might do that to you, right?" Missouri was pleased to see Sam lift his head, finally giving her eye contact.
He nodded. "How am I going to know now what is a dream and what's not? I mean, God. I've had lots of that kind of dreams about her over the years. Who's to say it wasn't her feeding on me every time? How many times has she violated me! I… when I was under her power and she told me about being able to contact and feed through dreams…I thought it was great. I could hold on to a piece of her, but now that my thoughts have cleared…it scares me!" Sam's voice was full of anger.
"You can't know for sure, but Sam, this ends now. I'm going to show you how to control your abilities so that you can shield yourself from her. I promise you won't have to fear her invading your mind again, whether it's in your dreams or waking hours." Missouri could see the tension leave Sam some as her words sunk in.
Sam helped Missouri clear away the lunch tray and they both sat down on the bed across from one another.
"Sam, have you ever mediated before?" Missouri's question hit Sam hard.
That question took Sam back in time, to the first time he had heard about mediation.
Sam was alone in Heather's apartment. His brother and Dad had left him in her care….
"Well, if you're not hungry, I have some homework you could help me with. I'm taking a meditation class at the rec center, and I need a meditation buddy." Heather smirked at Sam.
"Uh, I don't know anything about mediation, so I don't think I'd be much help." Sam jammed his hands in his pockets and continued to stare at her through his floppy bangs.
"It's not hard, I'm still learning, but it has helped me relieve the stresses in my life, and I think it might help you in getting your body to mend a bit faster. And I promise, that I will not tell your dad or Dean that you tried meditation, okay?"
Sam reluctantly nodded. "Good, I'm going to turn some music on, why don't you find a place on the floor to get comfortable and sit down Indian style."
Sam was pulled from his distant memories by Missouri's voice.
"Sam, I'm so sorry. Heather taught you how to mediate." Sam could tell that Missouri was reading him from her sorrowful expression. He wanted to be mad at the invasion but instead was relieved to share some of the burden.
"She did, but if mediating can help me block her then let's do this." Sam was resolved to get past the memories and to move on.
"I can help you, but Sam … until you face the demons of your past…I'm not sure that you'll be able to concentrate enough to shield yourself. Your experiences with Heather and mediating are going to hinder you learning. Those hidden memories and guilt are your Achilles heel. You have to flush them all out for this to work." Missouri's tone was firm and Sam knew that she wouldn't be backing down on this issue.
"So you want me to spill my guts about everything that happened with Heather?" Sam knew that his tone was full of anger, but he couldn't help it. Facing his past with Heather was not something he wanted to do.
Missouri huffed. "I want you to clear your head, face your demons. Unfortunately, in your weakened state over the last week you projected a lot of your horrible memories my way. I have a pretty good picture of what happened and the guilt that you're feeling. It isn't me that you need to talk too. I'm happy to listen, if you need to put a voice to what happened, but in order for it to be beneficial I think you need to talk to Dean."
"But… I don't think I can. I wanted to so many times over the years. I wanted to come clean, but I just couldn't…" Sam watched as Missouri bristled at him.
"Damn stubborn Winchesters! I had almost the same conversation with your brother. He was so ashamed and felt so much guilt over his decision to let Heather feed on him and the resulting connection. I watched him pace for an hour before he got up the nerve to face you. But he did, and now you two have been able to move forward. Give your brother some credit, he'll understand. Probably more now than ever since his own encounter with Heather." Missouri gave Sam a reassuring smile.
"I know you're right but…"
"No buts about this Sam. You need to talk to Dean, end of story." Missouri started to stand and placed a hand on Sam's right shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "I'll send him your way when he gets back. It'll be okay, I promise. Then once the air is clear, you and I will get to business on your psychic shielding skills."
Sam gave her a small smile as she left the room.
Sam about jumped out of his skin when his brother entered the room.
Dean smirked at Sam. "Dude, your hunting skills are getting soft with you living the easy life here in this bedroom."
Sam sighed. "Yeah well, I'm sure you'll whip me back into shape the minute we hit the road."
Dean's face dropped to one of concern. "You sure you're feeling better. 'Cause you look like Hell."
"Nice Dean, really nice. I'm just tired and I have a lot on my mind." Sam motioned for Dean to have a seat on the bed.
Dean nodded and plopped down across from Sam. "Missouri said you wanted to talk to me about something. And…."
Sam huffed. "I know you don't do chick flick moments."
"Dude, quit interrupting me. I was going to say that while I know we don't usually do the whole sharing and caring thing- we need to with the whole 'Heather the bitch' stuff. I opened up to you, so your turn dude." Dean patted Sam on the leg and waited.
"Missouri thinks I need to start from the beginning." Sam said in a quiet voice, not sure how Dean would respond.
"I think she's right. And if we're going to start there, then I have a few things I want to come clean on, if that's cool with you." Dean's tone was unsure.
Sam was a bit startled at his brother's new need to share. Not wanting to ruin the moment, Sam just nodded and replied. "Sure dude."
"I want to apologize to you. I really dropped the ball. At fifteen, you had a good sense of people and I should have listened to you when you complained about Heather." Dean's voice was thick with emotion.
Sam hated that his brother was still carrying guilt from that. He never felt that Dean or his dad were to blame.
"Dean, she played you and Dad. I never felt like you were responsible. She duped us all, it's her fault." Sam could see the misery in his brother's face.
"Yeah well, maybe she did. But then I dropped the ball again after we rescued you. I should've insisted that you open up. You've evidently been caring around a lot of guilt for a long time, and that could've been avoided if I'd insisted. I just wanted to pretend it didn't happen and move on." Dean was now staring at his hands.
"Uh Dean, denial works both ways. I wanted it to go away too. I don't think you could've gotten me to open up then. If I had my way, I'd keep this buried. But Missouri thinks that I'll never be able to shield myself from Heather if I don't come clean." Sam could see his brother tense at the mention of Heather.
"We should've hunted her down and ended her as soon as you were better." Dean's voice was full of anger.
"No, if you had I think it would've done me more harm than good. I would've felt guilt that I was the reason she died. I… God this is hard. I had.. I have feelings for Heather that I can't even explain. Some part of me hates her, but some part of me needs her." Sam watched as Dean's head popped up, and Sam was afraid of the expression he would find there.
Sam was expecting disgust but found sympathy. "Dude after what happened, you're bound to be confused about your feelings." Dean's voice was soft. "Sam, what did she do to you?"
Sam swallowed hard. "She fed on me through my Chakras- which are your body's energy spots, and she did blood bonding feeds too. I was out of it for most of the feedings but once she got me to the hotel room away from you guys- I tried to run … but she overpowered me and I saw just what she was." Sam's body trembled with the memory.
Dean body tensed. "God Sam, I'm so sorry I wasn't there to stop her."
Sam nodded. "No reason to be sorry Dean, you were there for me in the end. Anyway, after that I was more aware of what was happening. She wanted me to love her, the way she loved me. There was one feeding that I remembered that happened before she kidnapped me… it was so intense. She fed off my Sacral Chakra- it is the Chakra that brings us sexual fulfillment."
Dean's eyes were blown wide in shock. "Did she touch you?"
Sam took a deep calming breath before continuing. "She undressed me, and I think she stroked me but the whole sex act took place through the Chakra. It was like having sex through energy. It was the most intense sexual experience I've ever felt. I think you got a glimpse of how powerful that can be when you were hooked to her." Sam watched his brother's fists clenched in anger.
"Damn it! She had no right to use you like that. You were just a kid and she claimed to love you! Ha! Loved you like a pedophile!"
"You're right Dean, so right. She was like a pedophile, sick. Heather wasn't able to control herself around me, but I know she cared. If she hadn't cared my plan wouldn't have worked." Sam regretted the words the minute they left his lips. His secret plan was about to be revealed and he hoped that his brother would forgive him.
"What plan Sammy?" Dean voice was full of concern.
"I tried to get loose and away from her Dean. I really did, but she was too strong and I was out of options. I knew she loved me and would do anything for me so… I made myself sick. I was so sure that if I was sick enough, that she would let me go and it worked." Sam tensed and waited for the fireworks to start and he wasn't disappointed.
"You almost died Sam! Oh My God, you were so weak, how could you do that?" Dean's face was full of anger.
Sam wilted into a ball. In a low broken voice he spoke. "I'm so sorry Dean. I didn't mean to get so sick, but once I started my plan things spiraled out of control. I never meant to worry you."
Sam was shocked to feel his brother pull him into an embrace. "Shhhh Sammy, it's okay." It was then that Sam realized he was sobbing.
Dean began a rocking motion and continued to use a soothing tone. "I'm sorry I got mad Sam. I just hate that you were alone and sick with that bitch. This isn't your fault Sam, it's hers. I don't blame you, in fact it was probably the only way you were going to get away from her."
Sam pulled slowly away from Dean and wiped his tears away with his shirt sleeve. "So you're not mad?"
"Nope, not at you anyway. I'm glad you told me Sam. I don't want you to feel guilty about this anymore. I get it. I do. You did what you had to in order to survive. So what other secrets are you keeping in that thick skull, I want them all out now!" Dean gave Sam a reassuring pat on his leg.
"I- I feel guilt over the fact that I lusted over her all this time. I even had wet dreams about Heather when I was with Jess. It makes me so sick when I think about it." Sam swallowed hard and buried his head in his hands.
"Sam she bonded with you, so you are totally the victim here. Her victim, and the victim of hormones. You can't control them and I have had some interesting dreams myself - you know that. It's normal and Jess wouldn't have held them against you, so chill out about it and forgive yourself for being a man!" Dean smiled.
Sam smirked. "Did you admit I'm a man?"
"Geesh Samantha, if you're going to make such a big deal about it, I'll take it back." Dean smirked back. "So are we good here?"
"Yeah, I've told you everything about the past ….."
"Yep, and now I understand why things got so out of hand this time so we are good Sammy. No more guilt." Dean gave Sam a big smile.
Sam smiled back and for the first time in a long time he felt a lot lighter.
Missouri was amazed at how fast Sam adapted to using his powers to shield others. He was going to be a powerful psychic someday and she hoped that he could handle it.
At least for now, he was protected and hopefully Heather would leave the poor boy alone.
Missouri felt like she might. It was apparent to the elder psychic that the woman did love Sam and had once again sacrificed her feelings to help him.
One could never tell about the future, but for now Missouri felt like Sam was ready to face it.
Dean waved goodbye to Missouri who was standing on her front stoop. He had an overwhelming feeling of déjà vu as he wheeled the Impala away from the curb and headed for I-70.
He'd been more than ready to leave Lawrence and the memories being back stirred up but this time leaving was bittersweet.
His brother was physically on the mend, having survived a nasty bout of Heather-itis, but mentally Sam was still wrecked. And Missouri, with her nurturing nature – at least toward Sam as Dean only seemed to be on the receiving end of threats with the wooden spoon – and her psychic abilities had provided a safe, comfortable place for his brother to stay while he sorted himself out.
His little brother was a psychic. Sure, he'd known something was up when Sam had described the dreams he'd had. Dreams that came true. And the whole thing with Jenny's family at their old house had happened.
And it certainly helped to explain why Heather had targeted Sam all those years ago. Buried deep down where it couldn't see the light of day, Dean had always harbored a feeling of disbelief that their sultry, older neighbor had targeted his geeky younger brother. Sam had been a gangly, awkward teen; Dean had been coming into his own, a prime physical specimen. And it had hurt in a twisted kind of way that Heather had swiped his younger, defenseless brother instead of Dean.
But Sammy was a psychic.
Hell, even Missouri herself had confirmed the fact, stating that while they stayed at her house she would act as a shield; apparently his brother gave off a "vibe" that attracted the baddies. Missouri screened that effect and taught Sam to shield for himself.
But Dean still had misgivings, mainly about Heather. It always went back to Heather. And the bitch was like the elephant in the room that neither brother wanted to talk about.
He shuddered in the driver's seat as he thought about the soul sucking vamp tramp. Sam wasn't the only one who had come away with unwanted baggage on this visit.
Dean looked at Sam out of the corner of his eye. Reaching out, he lightly hit him in the shoulder and was dismayed when his brother jumped in his seat, startled. "Hey, what do you say we burn rubber?"
A tentative smile replaced the serious pinched look that had dominated Sam's face lately. His brother reached under the seat and pulled out the box of cassettes, catching Dean by surprise.
Music in the Impala was always a loud affair and Sam always seemed to have a headache these days. Pulling a cassette from the box, his brother slid it into the player and cranked the volume.
Boston again. Only this time it was the band's second release and the opening licks of Tom Scholz's guitar filled the Impala.
Don't look back
A new day is breakin
It's been too long since I felt this way
I don't mind where I get taken
The road is callin
Today is the day
The brothers traded a smile as Dean hit the ramp to I-70 and accelerated with gusto. The Impala rocketed forward and took them west.
To a fresh start.
A/N 1 – Gidgetgal9: Wow- we finished another tale with Heather and she escaped again! The naughty girl! I just hope you the reader had at least half the fun reading this as we did writing it! I couldn't have done it without my wonderful partner in crime- Sendintheclowns. She is the best and it is always a joy to write with her! Floralia being our beta was icing on the cake. She is a lot of fun to work with and always full of great ideas! Thanks to everyone who read this and especially those who took time to review! Our readers are the best!
A/N 2 – Sendintheclowns: And thus concludes our second story featuring the lovely, twisted Heather. Is she good, is she bad, will she ever leave Sam alone? Maybe we'll find out in the next story we plan to write featuring Heather. In the mean time I'd like to thank Gidgetgal9 who is such a delight – her creativity blows me away and she writes some of the best other and secondary characters out there in my opinion. Super talented lady. And then there's Floralia who I can't thank enough. Her steady hand, eye for continuity and sense of humor (seriously, we should have left her comments in for you to read on some of these chapters because they were beyond hilarious) kept us on track. And thank you, whoever read this story, for reading it through to its conclusion. It had to make for uncomfortable reading in places but hopefully it made sense in the context of the story. Until next time!