ArsenicLollipop: Before all of you Marvel fans freak out over this story, know that these little fairy tales are all for fun, and should be taken LIGHTLY. I will not tolerate flamage on part of angry fanboys/girls.
Thank you, and have a nice day.

One day, in an all-too-close land called Suburbia, there lived a little boy. Let’s call this little boy Kevin.

One summer night when Kevin was brushing his teeth as he got ready for bed, a tooth fell out of his mouth. He was completely surprised at this, but happy nonetheless. He rinsed the tooth and ran over to his room, where his mother was getting the bed ready for Kevin.

“Mommy, mommy!!” Kevin squealed ecstatically to his mother, “Look!! I lost a tooth!!”

She looked to see that it was true. Kevin had a gap in his smile where the incisor had been, and the said tooth was wrapped up tightly in his little fist.

“Oh, good, darling,” Kevin’s mother (we’ll call her Martha) said. Martha examined the tooth and gave Kevin a big smile.

“You’re going to be visited by the tooth fairy tonight, Kevin!!” Martha said to her son, giving a tousle of his hair as she did so.

“Who’s the tooth fairy?” Kevin asked. Of course he didn’t know about the tooth fairy. He was, what, in the first grade? He barely knew how to add, nonetheless know about fairies, so his mother took the liberty to explain it to him.

“You see, son, the tooth fairy is a magical being who floats into your room in the dead of night and takes your tooth from under your pillow. In exchange for the tooth, the tooth fairy gives you a little gift.”

“So the tooth fairy’s like a burglar?” Kevin asked his mother quizzically.

“No, son,” Martha said with a smile, “The tooth fairy’s more like…Santa Claus, or a vampire.”

“What do you mean…?” Kevin asked.

“Well, the tooth fairy knows when you’re sleeping, and knows when you’re awake, and sneaks into your house in the dead of night without a sound. But unlike a vampire, son, the tooth fairy doesn’t slice open your jugular vein, sending the essence of life pouring out of you as you choke in pain, while she finds nourishment in your agony. Also, the tooth fairy doesn’t leave you a barren, dead, shell to rot in the ground and decay while your soul endures the flames of the Underworld and beyond.”

Kevin, completely horrified at this, nearly burst out into tears. He didn’t want to be visited by the tooth fairy, not after that graphic depiction of vampires. Especially since his mother just associated the magical creature with a bloodsucking master of the night just before his bedtime.

“I DON’T WANNA BE VISITED BY THE TOOH FAIRY!!” Kevin cried, “I DON’T WANNA!!”

Martha tucked in her son and kissed him on the forehead.

“There’s no stopping it, Kevin,” she said eerily as she walked out of his room, “It will always happen in the end.”

With that, she turned off the light, and shut Kevin’s bedroom door, leaving the terrified child in a room all by himself.

Later that night, Kevin was wide awake when he heard a magical sound that resembled wind chimes. He lay in his bed, rigid as a board, as he gripped his baseball bat. He had gone over the plan a million times in his head: When the fairy reached for the tooth under his pillow, he would hit her in the head with the bat, and when she was out cold, he would dump her in the bushes. Of course, there were flaws to his plan, as there would be in any plan worked out by a first-grader, for example, how would he drag the tooth fairy into the bushes? Or, how would he be able to knock out the fairy with a Styrofoam-padded baseball bat in the first place? It would only work if she was four inches tall and as fragile as his mother’s vase that he broke last week.

Kevin felt a hand under his pillow and suddenly realized that the moment had come all too quickly. This fairy was a stealthy one, but she wouldn’t get away. Kevin didn’t think. He swung around and hit the fairy in the face.

“Owwww…!!” the creature exclaimed, with a much more masculine voice than Kevin anticipated. He sat up in his bed, still clenching his baseball bat, and stared at the fairy.

“What was that for!?” A thirty-something-year-old, brown-haired man wearing a shimmering pink miniskirt exclaimed. This was definitely not how Kevin imagined the tooth fairy, even out of his worst nightmares.

“Who are you?” Kevin asked the man.

“I’m the tooth fairy, Bruce Banner, at your service,” the man said in a cheery voice, holding out his wand.

“You’re…a fairy?” Kevin asked Bruce.

“Well, yeah,” he replied.

“You don’t…look like a fairy…” Kevin said to Bruce. Bruce pulled out a small paper tube out of his shimmering pink purse and sprinkled it on Kevin.

“That’s fairy dust,” Bruce said, “Now may I have your tooth please?”

Kevin wiped the powder off of his head and smelled it.

“No, it’s not!!” Kevin yelled. “This is Pixie Stix!!”

Bruce sighed, and sat on Kevin’s bed.

“Look, kid, I’m sorry, but you’re my last stop of the night, and I’m tired. I need to get that tooth in.”

“Why??” Kevin asked Bruce annoyingly.

“Well, honestly, it’s for this science experiment that we’re doing,” Bruce lied, “Now come on. Give me the tooth. I’ll give you this quarter.”

Kevin thought this over carefully. A quarter was a good fortune for first-graders, and any kid on the block knew that come Friday, a quarter could get you something nice at the local candy store. Decisions, decisions.

“No,” Kevin finally said after about ten minutes of thinking.

“What?! What do you mean??” Bruce exclaimed, nearly jumping up in surprise.

“I don’t want you to take my tooth!! I’m never going to loose a tooth again!!” Kevin squealed.

“No, no, no, no, no,” Bruce said, standing up, “You have to lose all of your teeth.”

“I’m not!!”

“Yes, you are,” Bruce said, still trying to retain his cheery-ness, “Otherwise, I have get my good friend, Dr. Hulk, to get them out for you.”

Kevin stared at him with wide eyes, knowing that he made a mistake. He had to fix his mistake now. He gave up, and decided that he could probably raise the price of his tooth, so he decided to give into the cross-dressing man, who, oddly enough, looked slightly handsome in the frilly pink miniskirt. This would foreshadow many, many, many things to come in the future, but that’s another story.

“Alright, Pretty Man,” Kevin said. Bruce blushed at this. “Here’s the tooth. Now give me seventy-five cents!!”

He held out his tooth, marble-white and not a cavity or speck of dirt to be seen. A tooth that perfect was hard to find, even harder for a child of his age. Still, that was a LOT for just one tooth.

“What…!?” Bruce exclaimed, “No, I won’t!! The standard price is twenty-five cents.”

“Then no tooth for you!!” Kevin said, pulling the tooth away and stuffing it in his pocket.

“TOOTH NAZI!!” Bruce yelled. Kevin didn’t get it. Of course, he didn’t. Seinfeld was too old for him, and he would learn about Hitler later. In spite of this, though, Kevin knew that this was an insult and stuck his tongue out at Bruce, who had about as much patience left as the space between the ‘V’ and ‘B’ on the keyboard, and was in turn, that far away from turning into “Dr. Hulk.”

“Fifty cents, then,” Kevin said.

“No!! Twenty-five cents.”

“Fifty cents.”

“Thirty cents!!”

“No.”

“Thirty-Five cents!!”

“No.”

“Forty cents. Final offer.”

“Throw in some Pixie Stix.”

“No!! These are for my JOB--”

“No Pixie Stix, no tooth,” Kevin said finally. Bruce sighed, finally giving up. He reached into his purse, and handed Kevin four dimes and a Pixie Stick.

“More than one,” Kevin said.

“Kid, you’re killing me,” Bruce said, handing Kevin two more Pixie Stix.

“Thank you, sir,” Kevin said, handing Bruce the tooth, “Come again!!”

Bruce sighed, and with a wave of his wand, disappeared.

The next day, Kevin thought it was all a dream until he realized that he still had four coins under pillow.

“Did the tooth fairy visit you??” Kevin’s mother asked as he sat down at the table for breakfast. Kevin smiled, and showed his mother the four coins and three Pixie Stix that Bruce had so unwillingly given up.

“Oh, wow!!” his mother said, “That’s wonderful!!”

“Now we can go down to the candy store and get me some more candy!!” Kevin said with a smile.

“No, we can’t, son. Nope, we can’t!!” Martha chimed gleefully. Kevin stared at her blankly.

“B-But…Why not, Mommy??” Kevin whined. Martha smiled, and pointed at the coins.

“Because those are Chuckie Cheese tokens, dear,” Kevin’s mother said. Her joy at the expense of her child was evident on her face.

“H-He…he…ripped me off…” Kevin said, his voice shaking.

At that moment, Kevin could swear that he heard Bruce Banner laughing.