Disclaimer: I don’t own Lord of the Rings. If I did, Lori would exist in the canon. For now, I own Lori Sinclair, Saerwen Indilwen, Gwenethilin Kuiviénen, Elarwen Starulishiel, and Beréthwen Valanthíriel.

Author’s Notes: I wanted to try my hand at a Legolas/OC romance that wouldn’t intrude much upon the canon and wouldn’t make the OC a wimpy Mary Sue…but I knew if I tried posting it by itself it might run the risk of being PPC’d. So, here goes nothing…

What, Mary Sues Can Read?

Several Mary Sues are heading over to Imladris (poor Rivendell!) to massacre the canon. They come across a book lying innocently in the road. Something compels them to read the strange tome (that’s a sign of the end of the world, all right), and they do so. Expecting the book’s character to be a slimy, Legolas-lusting wench like them, they are immediately disappointed…

Chapter One: We Have The Stupidest Readers Here

Saerwen Indilwen was perfect. Purr-fekt. So perfect that any sentient being that sees her gets a sudden desire to strangle her perfectly slender, swan-white neck. Her eyes were a dazzling blue-purple-pink color and any male (un)fortunate enough to gaze into their depths found himself brainwashed—err, I meant, falling madly in love with her. Her golden-red hair was blindingly shiny and terribly long. Yet due to Mary Sue-ish mad freaky powers, she never snagged it on a bush or a low-hanging branch. Her ears were delicately pointed because, after all, Saerwen was an Elf. Saerwen may say that she was well-filled out, but her breasts were ginormous and her waist puny. She had miles and miles of slender legs, being approximately six feet seven inches tall. To sum it all up, Saerwen Indilwen was a Mary Sue. Even her name translated to such.

Gwenethilin Kuiviénen was also an Elf, and the so called long lost second daughter of Elrond and Galadriel. What happened to Celebrían and Celeborn? She, of course, was supposedly prettier than Arwen. Her hair and her eyes were as black as the depths of the night, although anyone who isn’t under her spell claims her hair and eyes were as black as her heart, for she was ever scheming to get rid of her sister and become Queen of Gondor and Arnor. To sway the noble Aragorn to her will, she plans to join the Fellowship of the Ring. How very Mary Sue of her.

Elarwen Starulishiel claimed that her name meant Star-Lady. In theory and concept that was correct, for ‘el’ meant star and ‘arwen’ meant lady. She was a Moon Elf from the generic fantasy land Moonelfistan and was supposedly the princess of said land. Her hair was a strange silvery-blue color and her blue eyes were so pale, they barely could be discerned from her sclera. Her wish was to usurp Varda Elentári and become Lady of the Stars. Wasn’t her name devised for that purpose? She also wished to gain the love of all of the Elves in Middle Earth, especially the males. And amongst them, she would choose Legolas Thranduillion to become her lover. Legolas as Manwë…that would definitely distort canon. Better stop her.

Beréthwen Valanthíriel was a kick-ass warrior maiden. Or so she thinks. She believed that she was better than Legolas at archery and horse riding, Aragorn at fencing and wilderness survival, and Gimli at axe-wielding and liquor-drinking. She was an immortal human (which goes against all laws of common sense in Middle Earth, especially after the whole Númenόr mess) and also possessed other powers more commonly found in Elves such as impossibly pristine (chocolate brown) hair, far-seeing (forest green) eyes, keen hearing, lightness of step (which leads to her incessant nancing; did I ever mention that she was supposedly better than Legolas at that, too?), and immunity to all diseases and temperature changes. She even slept with her eyes open, for Eru’s sake! It was strange how she could possess these powers and still not advance to the ranks of the Eldar, but common sense wasn’t a Mary Sue’s strong point. She was madly in love with Boromir, and intended to keep him from dying once she joined the Fellowship (fat chance, ‘Sue). Also, she was going to save Gandalf and defeat the Balrog single-handedly.

Well…Tolkien must be rolling around in his grave so much by now that if someone harnessed the raw energy he produced, then that person could provide enough energy for an entire neighborhood for almost a year. Talk about going green. For even as he laid in his coffin, rolling around restlessly, these four aberrations of original characters were drawing dangerously close to the hidden valley where the Last Homely House lay, its occupants unaware of their existence. Canon was going on smoothly as usual, and the characters had no worries regarding these four girls. They could hardly be blamed, since the One Ring was in Imladris at that moment, and the Council was already in progress. As Gandalf got up to share his tale, about ten leagues away the four ‘Sues were riding on their equally freakish horses, laughing and talking like friends do.

“OMG, like, no way!” Saerwen screamed indignantly after she heard Gwenethilin’s latest story. “They’re, like, totally, like, supposed to, like, live happily ever after! Just like how me and Leggie are going to!”

Elarwen heard that last part and her eyes narrowed. “Saerwen dear, Leggie-kun is totally mine-eth.”

“Nuh-uh!” giggled Saerwen. “He’s like totally gonna fall for me!”

“Thou are-eth but a mere maiden,” stated Elarwen imperiously. “I am-eth the Lady of the Stars and the Princess of Moonelfistan. Therefore-eth I am-eth more powerful-eth than thee. Leggie will pick-eth me.”

Saerwen glared. “I am, like, beautifuller than, like, you!” she replied haughtily, as if she couldn’t find any other excuse. Well, her brain was smaller than a virus…

Elarwen and Saerwen started bickering again over who was more worthy of the Prince of Mirkwood’s affections. Gwenethilin and Beréthwen looked at each other and rolled their perfectly colored eyes in a been-there-done-that way. Evidently this has happened many times during their journey together.

Suddenly a plot hole manifested itself out of nowhere. It dropped a book down in the middle of the road, and quickly vanished before the freaky horses and their equally freaky riders ever saw it.

Well, that wasn’t actually what happened, but how else did that weird green book pop out of nothingness? No, it can’t possibly be a ‘Sue Slayer’s trap, could it?

Could it?

The book seemed to scream “READ ME! I AM A LEGOLAS/OC ROMANCE AND YOU MARY SUES LOVE THAT KIND OF STORY, SO READ ME! RRRRRREEEEEAAAAAAADDDDD MMMMMEEEEEEE, DAMMIT!” at the four Mary Sues that were now staring stupidly at the tome. Saerwen dismounted and picked up the book. She skimmed through the first three pages and exclaimed, “OMG, like, look, Elarwen! Like, I, like, totally, like, think (Elbereth preserve us, she can think!) Legolas is in this!”

Elarwen dismounted as well. She headed over to her companion and fellow Legolas fangirl, and peered over her shoulder. “Oh I am interested-eth! Come, Saerwen, let us read-eth the book.”

Did anyone just hear the world crack in half?

The other Mary Sues stared at each other. They were rather curious now. If a fellow ‘Sue was so readily willing to read something, it has got to be good. So Beréthwen and Gwenethilin got off their horses and tied the four steeds to a conveniently placed tree. The four sat down under the shade of another conveniently placed tree and Saerwen started to read. Miraculously still, she didn’t add any ‘likes’ when she read. Evidently it was meant only for her speaking vocabulary.

A Bittersweet Couple

By Lily Winterwood

Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord of the Rings.

Author’s Notes: So this is my lame attempt at romance, specifically what one would call a Legomance. Well…here goes nothing…

Lori Sinclair leaned up against the trunk of a tree, breathing heavily. Of all the days for her to wake up in the middle of a forest, it had to be her wedding day.

Gwenethilin cocked her head to the side. “Wait, why is there no description of Lori? And no proclamations to her perfection and worthiness of Leggie?”

Saerwen laughed. “Silly Gwenny. We, like, haven’t even, like, gotten, like, past the first, like, page!”

Her blue-green eyes closed in despair. This forest didn't seem familliar to her, so she had no idea how to get out of it. Therefore, she would probably never see her fiancé Bill again. The thin white chemise she was wearing was meant for their wedding night, and she had worn it the night before to get used to the feel of opulent silk. Now she may never have a chance to see his reaction when he sees her lying on his bed wearing it. Even as she thought of that, a tear rolled down her cheek. Here she was, standing in some unknown forest, utterly lost, and somebody was pursuing her.

“Oh boy!” squealed Gwenethilin. “Five pieces of gold that it’s ‘Gornie!”

Saerwen rolled her eyes. “Gwenethilin, you are, like, soooooooo stupid. It’s Leggy. Duuuuuhhh.”

“’Gornie!”

“Leggy!”

“’Gornie!”

“Leggy—Elarwen, can you, like, continue for me?”

“With pleasure-eth. Leggie!”

Lori first became aware of him early that morning. After all, he was the first thing she saw when her eyes opened. Or rather, his ash gray eyes were.

“Ash gray eyes?” The ‘Sues were silent for a moment.

Gwenethilin grinned. “Ah-HAH! It’s ‘Gornie!” she paused. “Last time I checked!” she added hastily.

Elarwen arched an eyebrow. “Who knows-eth? We need-eth to see his hair-eth color-eth and his ear-eth shape-eth! This author never-eth likes to state-eth things-eth.”

The eyes had given way to a finely carved face, framed by long dark hair. That man had suspicion etched all over his face and he suddenly said something in a different language. Lori frowned now as she rested. She had gotten up and ran away from him like a fleet-footed doe, but she was certain he chased her. He was like a hunter, restlessly going after his prey.

Gwenethilin was grinning broader than ever. “See? SEE? It’s ‘Gornie!”

“I don’t, like, believe it. I, like, won’t!” cried Saerwen. “It’s, like, totally like, gonna be Leggie!”

“But Leggie doesn’t have dark hair!” Beréthwen replied. “Unless this author has no idea what he looked like in the movies!”

Elarwen, ever the ‘Suvian voice of reason, cut in. “Does anyone-eth here think-eth Ary has-eth finely carved-eth features and speaks-eth Elvish on a regular-eth basis?”

Gwenethilin paused before admitting defeat. “Personally, I think his features are chiseled. But that doesn’t make him not smokin’ hot!” she giggled a little.

Suddenly, even as she leaned up against the tree in a troubled repose, the man dropped down from the boughs of the tree lightly. He had a bow, and there was an arrow nocked to the string.

“It’s, like, Leggie! Or, like, maybe, like, Elrond. Yes…Elronny,” nodded Saerwen. The other ‘Sues agreed. Stupid 'Sues.

Lori’s eyes opened again and she looked at him fearfully as he said something in that foreign tongue. What, did he think she was a native to this forest?

“I can’t understand you, sir. But please don’t kill me!” Lori exclaimed. Something told the frightened woman that it was futile to parley with this stranger when they didn’t even speak the same language.

“But I thought Lord Elrond can speak English!” wondered Beréthwen. Yeah, right.

She closed her eyes again, hoping that her death would be swift.

“And I hope Lori doesn’t die because Elronny shot her with an arrow,” Gwenethilin added. “Or maybe she’ll come back.”

“And then, like, Leggie will, like, save her and, like, make, like, hot steamy, like, love to her!” pitched in Saerwen. She grinned toothily at the prospect. “I, like, totally can’t, like, wait for that to, like, happen!”

The other Mary Sues agreed rather eagerly, all awaiting the NC-17 scene that will supposedly pop up sooner or later. They forgot completely about Imladris, the Council, the Fellowship, and even the Ring. But that’s alright, because oblivious Mary Sues immersed in a story are less likely to mangle canon…right?

Well, that was the plan.

TBC…

Author’s Notes: Tell me how I did! I need ideas on making the ‘Sues more ‘Sue-ish. And I need ideas for Lori’s story that do not involve implied NC-17 scenes, because she’s a veritable little angel and Middle Earth or not, she’ll remain faithful to her fiancé. (Well , she’ll only go as far as kissing…)

By the way, the story is going to be in italics, and if the formatting is ever screwed up, tell me!