|Her Look Of Pain
Author: Ein Kampf kann eine Lebenszeit PM
Jasper knows his boundaries as a Cullen, mainly keeping Bella alive. When he realizes that he can't live with the danger of pushing that boundary daily, he takes a path he wished he would never have to walk on. Will he be able to leave Alice broken?Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Romance/Drama - Jasper & Alice - Chapters: 8 - Words: 14,352 - Reviews: 37 - Favs: 25 - Follows: 27 - Updated: 05-24-09 - Published: 07-30-08 - id: 4436764
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
I personally really like this one. Reviews please?
"Don't worry. You'll do fine, I promise you," Alice whispered in my ear as she, Edward and Esme got reading to go hunting. I was still nervous. Alice usually stayed with Bella while the family hunted, but, because of miscommunication, I would stay at the house with Bella, Emmett, and Rosalie while Carlisle pulled a triple shift at the hospital. My main fear was Bella. With Alice around, I was in perfectly good condition. She was my reason for staying with the Cullen's, for pushing myself to maintain this diet I once thought was impossible to attain.
"How are you so sure? What if something changes and I can't stop myself?" I hated voicing my fears aloud, but it was only Alice and me, and that made it more bearable.
"If anything changes, Emmett will help you, and Rose will protect Bella," Alice said. Apparently she had planned this out well, as she always did when situations like these arose.
"Be safe," I told her. I had already delayed them thirty minutes, though I'm sure Bella was having a similar conversation with Edward. She reached up and planted a soft kiss on my lips and wrapped her arms around my waist.
"You worry too much," she teased. I lightly kissed the top of her head. I heard Esme calling them.
"You had better get going, she sounds hungry," I said, hearing the smile in my voice. She exited our room and gave one final wave good bye before closing the door. No one knew where they were going, so it was a shock to me when I heard the purr of Alice's car start. This would be a long weekend.
I closed my eyes and sat on the loveseat we had in our room. Alice, being herself, had to have all the commodities of a human bedroom; the bed, the couch, the loveseat, the vanity mirror, the walk in closet. It was straight from a magazine. Any teenage girl would envy this room.
There was a soft knock on my door, and with the heartbeat, it could only be one person. I answered it, stepping back from the door as soon as I knew it would swing open on its own. Bella's head was down and her hands were intertwined with each other and the nervousness was almost suffocating.
I didn't say anything. I didn't want to make her more uncomfortable than she already was. She looked up after what seemed a lifetime, and opened her mouth only to close it. She repeated that four times before she said anything.
"Edward wanted me to ask you if there was anything I could do to make you feel more comfortable this weekend," she blurted out. Her cheeks were red, almost inviting, but Alice's words kept me in check.
"I'll be fine, thank you for the consideration," I said kindly. The relief coming off this girl started the moment I said the first syllable. Her shoulders relaxed and she gave a brief smile before turning to go downstairs. I closed the door and returned to my seat, trying to block out everyone's emotions. Rosalie and Emmett were not helping from their room, and I was thankful Alice had the mind to stock our kitchen with food because Bella's hunger was almost suffocating.
Most of Bella's emotions were suffocating to me. It had been like that when Alice and I had first moved in with the Cullen's. I had always thought that their being vampires made their emotions more powerful, but now that it was the same way with Bella, and perhaps even stronger, I questioned whether or not I had simply become used to their feelings. Carlisle had always made comments about how complex my power could be, but I, personally, had never given much thought to it. He had also pointed out that it made my power all the more enticing for the Volturi simply because of the fact that Bella was immune to most of their powers.
At times, it was frustrating. The longer Edward prolonged Bella's human existence, the more and more visits we would have from them. Edward, Alice and I were personally tired of their constant begging for us to join them. Edward was always torn when he and Bella discussed it though. He loved her, more than he'd ever loved anyone in his time being a vampire, and he wanted her to be happy. He only ever knew his lonely existence as a vampire, and didn't want that for Bella. He didn't like Carlisle after he learned what happened, and what he was, which was understandable. But what Edward didn't fully understand was that Bella would have him, and that her transformation would be so much better with him helping her through it than his own transformation was.
I heard Rose's giggle from across the hall. I never liked hearing her giggle, not only because she only giggled in certain situations, but it also made me feel uncomfortable when Alice wasn't around. It was no secret in this town of Rose and Emmett's… private adventures. And it certainly was no secret to me. Or Edward. He was bombarded with their thoughts of each other, and I was tortured by their feelings.
Alice usually helped with that. She would start massaging my shoulders as soon as she heard Rose's giggle. Some times it would turn into more, but that was rare. I usually kept those emotions in check.
So I was stuck in this house with an inflow of hunger, lust, desire and love. Which made me regret not joining Edward, Alice and Esme. I seemed to be making poor decisions as of late.
But hopefully Carlisle would be home soon, and he would put an end to some of the unwelcome feelings. Hopefully.
Their feelings became heavier, and I decided it was time for some fresh air. And it would be good to get some distance from my two siblings. Usually, when Bella was in the house, they were pretty good at not having activities such as that, but I know realized that it was a long shot to hope that they would ever have any sort of decency in their existence.
"Shoot!" I heard Bella yell before I walked out of my room. From the waves of confusion I knew the sound had stopped Emmett and Rose's actions. I walked into the hall at the same time they did. I didn't bother looking at them to see if they knew anything, it was clear that they didn't. We were just about to go downstairs; Emmett and Rosalie were already on the third step, when the smell hit me. It took everything I had not to react badly. I could hear one voice clearly though.
"Stupid sharp object. What use does a vampire have for a knife anyway?" Bella's voice was obviously directed at someone, but who, I didn't know. Nor did I care. All I could smell, all I could see was the Bella's blood, dripping from her body. Each crimson drop inviting me closer. Each slash against the counter daring me to take a bite, wanting me to.
I slowly became aware of the fact that someone was dragging me, or carrying me, outside. The freshness of the air was clearing my head, and I felt Emmett's hands gripping my shoulders from the back.
"Brother, I understand you have difficulty with control, but when she sees you lunging after her and she doesn't flinch, that's when you know we've got to get you into some lessons," Emmett said, only half serious when he realized I wasn't going to go anywhere.
His emotions calmed me. Everyone in my family had that effect. This had happened one too many times, and it wasn't Bella's faith that I wouldn't attack her that had her so at ease, it was her faith in other's that they would stop me. It was unsettling. And with Edward becoming more and more resistant with her becoming a vampire, this might just be a regular thing, unless… I wouldn't consider that until I was forced to though.
"That was too close," I said, mainly to myself. Emmett nodded in understanding, but remained silent. "How is she?" I asked. I could only feel the two of us and wondered how far Emmett had taken me.
"She's good. I think she was expecting it this time, it wasn't as bad as her birthday," Emmett said. I loved Emmett, he was my brother after all, but he needed to learn about tact.
"You alright?" he asked when I didn't respond. I nodded my head.
"We should get back. How far away are we?" I asked. If we were far enough away then walking at human speed should make the area easier to be around.
"I think about fifteen miles," Emmett guessed. He wasn't sure of himself, he never was unless Rose was around. "But we came from that direction," he said, showing off. Well at least we weren't lost. That was an experience I wouldn't want to repeat.
We walked in the direction he pointed out and didn't say anything.
I wasn't keeping track of how long we were walking, when the sun started to set I knew we had been gone half the day. Edward, Alice and Esme had left at eleven, and it wasn't long after that when Bella had cut herself. Everything had to be clean by now, right? I think that a good eight hours was enough to remove the scent of blood.
Emmett had been very good throughout the walk, not saying anything, although I knew he had plenty of questions. Every so often, in the past thirty minutes, he would glance at me, then the sky, then sigh to himself and keep walking. I could feel his impatience to get back to his wife. He knew he didn't have to keep me company, but Emmett always felt obliged to. He was a good brother, he couldn't intrude on anything personal, or private in times like these, and it was times like these when he wanted his mine to only be his.
"Emmett, you know you can go ahead if you want, I'm sure Rose is worried," I repeated. It had been thirty minutes since I had last dismissed him, but he was insistent on saying with me.
"No, you need someone more than she does right now, she can wait," he said gruffly.
"I'm fine, really, go," I said. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I would if I had to. I had done it before, but that was an extreme case.
"Only if you're sure," he said, turning his head to look at me. I nodded, and he broke into a run immediately. Why would anyone in their right mind want to stay around a slightly depressed feeling manipulator? I quickened my pace, not at top speed, but a human would have to do a double take if they saw me.
Forty minutes later I walked in the house to find Rosalie, Emmett, Bella and Carlisle sitting in the living room. Apparently they were filling Carlisle in on what happened. I regretted not walking home like a normal human. Rose was the first to notice my appearance. She did nothing, but I felt her emotional wall go up. Emmett was next, and he did nothing. Bella was the same, I only felt tiredness coming from her, no fear, no anxiety, was she really that at ease with my earlier attempt at her life? Carlisle, however, tensed.
"When are they getting back?" I asked in a low voice. Everyone knew who I meant.
"I called Esme, and she said they were done, so they're on their way right now," Carlisle said, matching my tone. I could feel a number of emotions from him, all of them familiar. I felt disappointment, sadness, unease, and anger. He was the best actor of all my family. He looked so at ease, and yet anger was the most dominate feeling. I nodded and headed upstairs. They started talking in hushed tones again, but I didn't care to listen. I knew what I was going to do, I just had to break the news to Alice.
Two hours later I was bombarded with the feelings of three more Cullen's. They had apparently taken their time. Or they had gotten held back by something. Either way, I wasn't looking forward to what I was about to tell Alice. She came through the door in high spirits. I couldn't help but smile. She gave me a hug.
"I heard what happened, and everything's alright. Bella isn't mad. Please don't go through with it," she whispered in my ear. Apparently she had gotten a vision. At least this wouldn't be nearly as hard.
"Bella isn't mad, but you have no idea what this does to me, Alice. This has happened once before, and that time was worse. We left because of it, and I can't do it anymore. I can't risk letting who I used to be become known to everyone. Every day Edward becomes more persistent on Bella's human state, and as long as her heart still beats, I'm a hazard to both her life and Edward's happiness. I'll always be a threat, and Edward knows that, as well as Bella. I can't do that to them, Alice. I love them too much, and if I were the one to cause the look of loss in Edward's eyes for the next hundred years, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. Your undying faith in me is going unrewarded. One more time is all it would take. One more time and I could kill Bella, and a part of Edward. I can't live with that hanging over my head. I can't live up to the expectations everyone wants me to," I said, not letting go of her. Not letting go of my Alice, my Alice who never once doubted me. I felt my own sadness, but it was intensified by hers. I knew what I was doing, and she knew the meaning in my words.
"But we aren't leaving this time, Jasper. This time wasn't as bad, you're getting better, can't you see that?" she asked in a shaky voice. Her hands were trembling on my chest.
"You aren't leaving," I corrected her, though it pained me. How could I be doing this to the woman I had fallen in love with? To the lady I had kept waiting for so long?
"No, you, you can't just leave me like this," she said, looking up into my eyes, hurt, betrayal and a number of other emotions were showing in her eyes. The pain coming off her was numbing when combined with my own.
"I have to," I whispered, kissing the top of her head one more time. She closed her eyes, but I left before she could open them. The look of pain on her face was too much for me to bear.
Okay, this thought just dawned on me. I could continue this, and I have a slight idea of how I would go about doing that, but I'm not sure if I should, so as of right now, it shall remain a one-shot.