FF7 Springer!

Part 1/3: Normal.

A/N: For quinngoblin, sorry for the wait. This is probably far from what you wanted, but I tried! And thank you to vulpesdemonica and morvelle314 for being fabulously bad influences.

Warnings: There are not enough warnings in the world for this fic, if you have any doubts, do not read, it's my usual and worse, written under the influence of caramel and caffeine. Ooc, mpreg, and crack are the least of your worries.

Disclaimers: Not my characters, my show, my references, or my anything else.

Betaed by: Carefreecat.

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“The guests today have been holding back their issues and anger for over thirty years! And today, they are gonna let loose! Let's welcome our first guest, Lucrecia Crescent!”

The audience applauds loudly, cheering for the tiny, classy looking woman in a lab coat and pretty dress, her lovely brown hair barely streaked with gray and only tiny lines around her mouth and eyes betraying her age. She was well dressed, beautiful, and definitely not the norm for this venue of entertainment...

Which meant that she was probably a psychotic, home wrecking bitch?

“Now Lucrecia, why are you here today?”

Lucrecia tilted her head, and sighed, the perfect vision of false guilt and apologies.

“I have a confession to make to my dearest son.”

“Do tell?”

She sniffled, and turned away in shame.

“I'm not... his mother.”

The audience gasped, stupidly.

“Do you care to elaborate?”

She sighed again, and paused before answering.

“When I was young, I was a scientist at Shinra laboratories. I worked every day, for a wonderful, beautiful man named Professor Hojo. He was, however dating an odd, ugly freak of nature named Vincent Valentine, who was pregnant with his child.”

Understandably, so, the audience went wild.

“Whoa, whoa, let me ask a question! Did you say that he was pregnant?”

She looked disgusted at the situation.

“Yes, he was! He had somehow convinced Hojo that they should have a child together, so they made him a hermaphrodite and got him pregnant! It was just sick!”

The audience 'oooohed', and the air grew tense. An opinionated woman in the audience was allowed to ask the question on everyone’s mind.

“Was it sick because he was pregnant, or because you wanted his man?”

Much hooting and hollering followed.

“No! It was because-”

“Bitch!”

“Home wrecker!”

“Shush! You don't know me! I was protecting Hojo and the unborn child!”

The host took back the floor with another question.

“So please explain how you 'protected' them.”

“I seduced Hojo, convinced him that Vincent was cheating on him with an old work buddy Veld, and had him cut the baby out and put it in a test tube, and experiment on him in the name of science so his useless existence would have a purpose, and ran off and married him in Las Vegas, while the child was genetically manipulated.”

The insults that the audience hurled were epic.

“So, child abuse, attempted murder, kidnapping and illegal genetic manipulations were protection? Lady, you have got your priorities a bit off. So now, where are you in life?”

“Hojo and I broke up years ago, and now I live with my current boyfriend, a rocket scientist!”

“Oh, you like the smart ones?”

Lucrecia nodded excitedly.

“Alright then, let’s bring out both your son and your current boyfriend!”

The audience went wild as what were two of the hottest men know to mankind entered the room, one a pale haired beauty, with exceedingly long platinum hair, catlike green eyes, and eyelashes that looked like he had stolen them from a drag queen's costume box, and the other, a sexy testosterone laden blond, well built and scruffy, with a box of cigarettes held in the band of his aviator goggles, and fierce blue eyes that made all the women think about infidelity.

They sat, one on either side of her, and waited, neither looking entirely comfortable with the situation. The blond spoke first, and loudly.

“So why the fuck are we here on this goddamn show, it's a fuckin' circus of inbreds, midgets, and whores! What the hell did ya do Lu? I fuckin' thought you were classier than this kinda shit.”

All of the sudden Lucrecia looked far less confidant.

“Well, Cid, I have something to say to my dearest son, actually.”

Sephiroth went from examining the leather of his boots to staring darkly at his mother in a frighteningly short amount of time.

“Yes, mother?”

His tone was rather unpleasant.

“Well darling...”

“Yes?”

“You know I love you, and would do anything for you.”

“As you said as you sent me to military academy when I told you that I was gay.”

Once again, the audience chimed in with appropriate disdain.

“Sephiroth, darling, it was for your own good!”

“Hmmph.”

“Look, what your mother is trying to say is rather important, so hear her out.”

Sephiroth glared, but nodded, signaling to Lucrecia to continue.

“Hunny, I'm your step mother... Your real mother was a violent, unhealthy freak of nature, so I raised you when it wasn't able to...”

The entire studio audience booed, and eagerly awaited Sephiroth's reaction.

“OH JENOVA! THANK YOU!”

“What?!”

Lucrecia looked absolutely horrified.

“Sephiroth, how could you say such a thing!?”

“Easily. You were cruel, manipulative, and abusive all throughout my childhood, and consistently judged me for what I am, and denied me love for it! Well no more, I will not hide, mother!”

“What are you talking about? You are you, a handsome, responsible, dominant, straight war machine!”

“You don't know what I am!”

The host interjected with a question.

“Well tell her! What are you?”

Sephiroth stood, and started working on the buckles to his coat.

“I am a homosexual, a uke and damned proud of it, and I am quitting the military to pursue a life as a wedding cake designer! Oh, and by the way, mommy dearest...”

Sephiroth dropped the heavy trench, revealing a hello kitty print knee length maternity dress, complimented by his own boots and a baby bump.

“I'M PREGNANT!”

Lucrecia retreated to the back of her mind for a minute. It was nice and safe here, she and Hojo were young, life was good, and she was getting her way...

Cid poked Lucrecia in the arm, waking her from her state of self-induced temporary shock.

“Your kid's damned hot. Wonder who knocked him up?”

Lucrecia shook her head, and sat in silence before continuing, while the audience was trying to get the pregnant war machine that she raised out of his maternity dress.

“TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!”

Cid smirked, and looked to Sephiroth evilly.

“Sure you shouldn't have worn the bunny slippers with that dress? The bloodstains on yer boots doesn't really go well with the Hello Kitty image!”

Sephiroth glared venomously, but after a bit, acknowledged the crowds request, by pulling up the dress to expose the entirety of his chest and abdomen...

His pierced navel, his adorable little Hello Kitty tattoo on his hip and a tiny leather thong were all gloriously exposed as the crowd cheered.

Lucrecia prayed that the ground would just swallow her up...

Her prayer was unanswered.

She stood, and snarled at Sephiroth, who had pulled the dress back down.

“You little whore! You're just as bad as your freak mother!”

The host smiled, and interrupted.

“And speaking of his mother, and his father, they are both here! Let's have a big round of applause for Vincent Valentine, who thinks he is here for a sequel to the ever popular, 'I am a pregnant stripper' episode, and Hojo, who thinks that he is here for the 'I used to be an ugly geek, but now I am dead sexy' and dating a pregnant stripper episode!”

Vincent walked out first, easily seven months along, in thigh high boots, a tight red sweater, and hot shorts. He looked confused, but then horrified as a chair was tossed at him.

“YOU FILTHY BITCH!”

Vincent braced for impact, but was saved by the epitome of masculine charm, muscular, wild haired, and in very tight pants, who pulled him aside at the last minute. The audience was enthralled...

Until he spoke, with a grating, torturous voice, more suited to an ugly old man.

“Now now, Lucrecia, I can't have you hurting the mother of my children. That's my job.”

“Why, Hojo darling, why!?”

“Hojo was my former name, I go by Weiss now, its suits my new profession.”

Lucrecia was not sure that she wanted to know...

“What do you do for a living now?”

“I'll show you all! Kukukukuku!”

Weiss/Hojo struck a pose, and bad techno-mixed sex jams started playing, as he flexed, shredding his shirt in a single motion, and the audience went wild. He thrusted his hips in a stylized fashion, and soon, while the audience watched, Lucrecia sobbed, and Cid laughed, he was wearing only a g string, loafers, and knee high socks. It was both riveting and horrifying, to see this sexy, young looking man, with such an ugly voice...

And the sock garters completed the train wreck.

“I AM AN EXOTIC DANCER!”

Lucrecia wailed at this point, wringing her pretty hands dramatically.

“DAMMIT! I have done so much, sacrificed so much for my family, and this is what I get! Hojo, can you see yourself!? You look like an idiot manslut! And Sephiroth, I convinced your father to cut you out of your mother, and test tube you for your own well-being, and this is the respect I get!? And you!”

She stood, and pointed at Vincent venomously, who was working the pole to entertain the crowd.

“I gave you a glove-on hand job at the Christmas party, isn't that enough payment for stealing your unborn child!? Why did you have to survive!? You've ruined EVERYTHING!?”

Weiss/Hojo interrupted.

“Actually, he didn't survive. Remember when you decided to experiment on him with me post mortem? He is undead now. He's such a wonderful experiment, aren't you?”

Vincent sighed and nodded, as he grinded his ass against the pole.

“But why are you two together!? He's a worthless freak! And Vincent, have you no shame?!”

Vincent sighed again, and spent a few seconds deep in angst before speaking.

“I'm broke, he pays the bills. Simple as that. I accumulated quite a few bills in the thirty years I spent in the coffin, so I needed help.”

“You whore!”

“I haven't prostituted myself. I just dance.”

With that, he ignored the world again, and continued to blend depression and pole dancing.

Lucrecia took a minute to try to deal with the situation, trying to rationalize that at least it could not get any worse. She still had Cid, and Sephiroth was probably horrified at his filthy whore mother. She could still save them and bring them back to her.

At this point the host saw fit to bring them back to topic at bit.

“So Sephiroth, how do you feel about this? Sephiroth?”

Sephiroth was not listening, and was rather intently watching his father dancing amongst the studio audience, shaking his ass in front of a very pleased geriatric. Lucrecia squealed in horror, before covering Sephiroth's eyes.

“DO NOT HAVE UNNATURAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOUR FATHER!”

“Fine, I won't!”

He then started watching as his mother worked the pole.

“YOU WORTHLESS CHILD! SLUT!”

Lucrecia stood, and grabbed at Sephiroth's wrist, with the intent to discipline a bitchy, moody, pregnant war machine. Understandably, Sephiroth did not appreciate this.

Sephiroth responded by standing, and taking a rather violent stance against his mother, while Barrett, the massive security guard got between them, taking several hits from both sides as he tried to separate them, while they seemed determined to kill each other.

And while all this was going on, the audience watched in amusement as Lucrecia's lover walked over to Vincent, chatted with him for a minute, then picked him up, and walked out. Weiss/Hojo was to busy obsessing over his own sexy body to pay attention, and the host just hung his head in shame.

Barret managed to get the three remaining guests into their seats, and the host decided to open the floor for questions. At least then, it was their fault, and he didn't have to think of anything else to say to these freaks. He handed the microphone to a pimply faced collage student in the studio audience, and waited for the inevitable.

“This question is to Lucrecia.”

“Hmmm?”

“Will you show us your goodies?”

“What?!”

“Take your top off!”

The audience began to once again chant the mantra of “TAKE IT OFF!” loudly, and Lucrecia was utterly mortified.

“NO! Do you think that I am some cheap whore!?”

Weiss/Hojo tilted his head, and sighed.

“Don't hold you breath, I married and experimented on her and haven't seen her naked yet. She is an absolute prude.”

“HOJO!”

“It's the truth, she's quite the frigid ice queen.”

He spoke nonchalantly, as he stared in approval at the way his stolen chest muscles twitched as he flexed. Lucrecia had finally had enough, and stomped out, still painfully unaware that by now her man was in Vegas, marrying the mother of Sephiroth in the same chapel that she and Hojo were married in. The host sighed, and prepared to do the closing speech...

“See yo, we're normal!”

Reno, naked as the day he was born, a bottle of booze in his hand, and Tseng's seed still deep in his ass, turned to the two men fucking on the bed behind him and spoke proudly to them, interrupting them.

“Reno, how the hell are we 'normal'?”

Reno smirked, and took another swig on the drink, before positioning himself on all fours so that Rufus could easily slide into him now that Tseng was exhausted.

“We're just in a three way BDSM relationship! At least none of us are pregnant male strippers!”

Rufus stilled, and blinked, in utter surprise.

It was a rare day indeed when there were people more fucked up than them.

A/N part 2:

MISU'S BACK! I won't be posting much, since this place still scares me senseless, but a lot of my readers have stated that LiveJournal is too complicated for them, so I will be posting a few selected fics here. Thanks for all the support my friends! Also, as I stated, all of my fics will be posted at my writers' journal . Is there anything you want to see back here though?

And go to my poll! Vote! I know you want to!