Roxas left school like a good, normal kid and waved to his normal friends and headed right down the normal street trying really hard not to think about how damned normal it all was. He already knew that it was going to get messed up, but he wasn’t going to act like he knew or he’d defeat the purpose entirely. Still, he wasn’t really sure if he was up for it when he spotted the flaming red spikes and midnight black arm draped over the side of the bench. According to the plot, if he was reading the narrative right, he was supposed to walk right past and Axel would pick up the slack.

“Yo.”

Like clockwork.

Roxas turned, his hands jammed in his pockets, but kept walking backwards. “What?”

Axel looked tired, and the cigarette between his lips wasn’t lit, but he didn’t seem to notice. “You’re cute,” he said simply. God, Axel could be horrible at characterization when he got like this.

“Thanks,” Roxas said with a nod, and turned back around to keep walking. If Axel was going to be pathetic, he certainly wasn’t going to make things easy.

“Get the fuck over here.”

Dropping character already, and Roxas was too vexed to keep it up. “Make me.”

Axel was silent for a minute. For just a minute, Roxas thought he might get away this time. “Where’re you headed?”

“Home.”

“Where’s that?”

Roxas stopped dead. Fuck. The plot hadn’t prepared a home yet, or parents, or food, which was really what he was after about right now. He looked around for a while, at a loss, and then turned back to the bench with a defeated sigh. Axel crowed with victory, clapping his hands once above his head and then adjusting his cigarette.

The redhead was wearing a pretty nondescript leather jacket and some other silver doodads that were really just there to look cool, and Roxas was feeling particularly feminine in the pink shirt and girls’ jeans. He plopped down onto the bench and felt Axel rest his arm across the back, but he didn’t bother to remove the slightly frilly blue backpack as he crushed it against the wood. He probably wouldn’t need whatever was in there anyway anytime soon, unless there was some lube in the bottom pouch.

“So where’re you from, cutie?” Axel asked.

“You forgot the introductions.”

“Answer the damn question.”

“Here,” Roxas said firmly, pointing at the ground. “Is where I’m from. And that should probably be obvious.”

“Where is here?”

The two of them kind of looked around at the mundane setting for a while. There was a park, people walking around, a couple of cars passing by, picnic tables, a lake in the distance… “The fuck are we?” Axel asked, starting to chuckle a little.

“I dunno,” Roxas said, unable to hide the grin that spread across his face as Axel kept laughing, struck by the utter nonsense of it all. Where were they? The plot hadn’t even told them that much, probably because it wouldn’t even matter throughout the course of the story. “Japan?”

“Doubt it.”

“The U.S., then.”

“Maybe.”

“Destiny Islands?”

“Nope,” Axel said, gesturing to the city in the distance. “Oh, well. Doesn’t matter.” He dropped his head back against the bench and closed his eyes.

There was another long silence. Roxas figured they were on a time limit—any minute now the lust would kick in and they’d run to the nearest hotel and get on with it already, or else maybe they’d draw it out a little and Axel would follow him home like a stalker. At least then he’d have a home, he thought sourly. But parents were probably too much to hope for. No, he knew this type of fic—there wouldn’t be any other major characters, only bit parts and incidental OCs. He almost groaned aloud to think of another slew of chapters with only Axel for company, and just what in the hell was his motivation this time? He couldn’t remember, and the plot wasn’t dropping any hints.

“This cigarette sucks.”

“It’s not lit.”

Axel sat up and plucked it from his lips to frown at it in astonishment. “Huh.” Shrugging, he fumbled in his pocket for a lighter, and came up with a black one emblazoned with a silver chakram. He flipped open the top.

Chink

Chink

Chink chink chink chink chink chink chink chink

Blue eyes narrowed. “Would you stop that?”

“Broken,” Axel garbled through the cigarette, shooting the lighter a death glare. He tossed it behind him and let a flame flicker to life above his index finger.

“Not supposed to do that.”

“Up yours.”

“Yeah, I imagine that’s the idea,” Roxas pointed out sharply. After all, it was probably about time they started focusing on the plot again. Or. Well. What plot there was.

Axel shot him a grimace and pried the now glowing cigarette from his lips. “I’m topping?”

“Yeah.”

“I always top. Sick of it.”

“Tough.”

The redhead grumbled something inappropriate and jammed the cigarette back in his mouth. “Paragraphs are fucking short,” he said after a minute. “Can’t you think some more or something?”

“So now you’re caring about the narrative?”

“I’m caring about what the goddam author is gonna do to me when the goddam readers don’t review this piece of crap because we’re screwing with the plot.” Axel glared at a nearby baby carriage. “Probably gonna make something horrible happen.”

“Yeah, because you’re really in a lot of danger right now.”

Axel rolled his eyes. “Roxas, I’ve got a death rate like you wouldn’t believe.”

Roxas crossed his arms and glared at him. “I know that, but I’ve had a lot worse happen to me than just getting killed.”

“Such as?”

“Eaten.”

“Fine, b—”

“Alive.”

That one sort of threw Axel for a minute. “You were?” he asked incredulously after a long, surprised silence.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“The hell was I?”

“I don’t want to fucking talk about it.”

The redhead shrugged, tapping the cigarette to get rid of the burnt tip. “Dipped in acid.”

“Hit by a falling piano.”

“Stabbed with a Keyblade.”

“Struck by a vehicle.”

“Smothered with superglue.”

“Raped until dead.”

“Blew myself up.”

“You always do that.”

Axel shrugged. “Still counts.”

Blue eyes rolled. “Crushed in a cement mixer.”

“Killed by tacos.”

That time the blond blinked and glared over at his best friend.

“I swear to god. Tacos.”

“Poisoned?”

“I don’t want to fucking talk about it.”

Roxas fell silent, more than a little annoyed that they’d run out of things to talk about again. It passed the time while they waited for the lust to kick in, and it just wasn’t doing that. The plot wasn’t going to make this hard, was it?

He sighed and glanced over at Axel. “Wanna copulate?”

The redhead considered that. “Sure,” he said finally with a one-armed shrug, and chucked the cigarette towards the baby carriage. “Jackpot!” he whooped when it landed just inside and an infant’s wail split the peaceful silence of the park.

“You’re topping,” Roxas reminded him, shrugging out of his backpack.

“No, I’m not.”

“The plot says you have to do it, so do it.”

This time Axel was the one to glare at Roxas. “I topped the last thirty times and your prostate’s as raw as sushi. Mine needs attention anyway, so stop being a dick and top already.”

Fine. Roxas complied, shoving Axel harshly to the bench and smirking a bit when the redhead hissed in pain. A little kink never hurt when they had to do this so many times. “Lube,” he said shortly, already relieving Axel of his jacket and going for his pants.

Axel shot him an exasperated look. “Rox, I couldn’t hold in a fart if my life depended on it. Lube ain’t an issue.”

Roxas only grunted vaguely in agreement, relieved. They were both so open now that lube made the friction almost nonexistent. So he pulled up his shirt over his head and leaned in to kiss Axel, nipping at that lower lip and forcing his tongue past Axel’s teeth. But it wasn’t long before he pulled up, looking frustrated. “Why’re you yielding?” he demanded.

“I’m yielding?” Axel asked distractedly. That’s when Roxas realized he wasn’t focusing at all, which was perfect.

“Don’t fucking yield,” the blond ordered, and dove back down again. He broke the kiss to rip Axel’s shirt up over the man’s head and…dammit, Axel was being totally submissive right then and that did not appeal to Roxas. He tried to ignore it, tried to anger Axel into reciprocating by chewing at his mouth and kissing hard enough to bruise. But Axel might as well have been a heartless Kairi for all the responding he did. Roxas finally tore away, glaring down at him. “You’re not making the noises.”

Axel grimaced again. “Do I have to make the noises?”

“Yeah, you do, or I can’t get it up,” Roxas told him bluntly. “What’s with you? You’re like a freakin’ blow-up doll today.”

Axel managed a half-hearted “uhn.”

“You’re goddam impossible,” Roxas muttered, going for Axel’s lips again. Maybe if he drew some blood the redhead would finally pay attention.

But Axel suddenly shoved him off, and Roxas felt the world turn over and slam into his back. He blinked at Axel from the ground, dazed. “What was that for?”

“I dunno.” Axel curled up on the bench as Roxas rose, pillowing his head on his arm. “I…just…” He sighed. “Bored of this, you know?”

Roxas glared at the sky and devotedly wished that the lust would just kick in already and they’d just fuck and stop having to think about it all, stop having to wish that maybe something a little different would finally happen. “Aren’t you gonna do anything?” he demanded of the air.

There was a long silence.

“She’s not listening to you,” Axel pointed out rather unnecessarily, flicking a thread off his arm.

“How do you know it’s a she?”

“Trust me.”

Roxas growled at that and went over to pick up that stupid pink shirt again. “Well,” he said, hesitating, “as long as she’s not paying attention…” He turned it in his hands and it became a familiar black shirt, which he unzipped and pulled on.

“Now you’re the one breaking the rules,” Axel said, grinning up at him. Roxas looked over at the redhead with his arm curled under his head and his other hand resting on his bare stomach, green eyes glinting playfully, and for just an instant was reminded of why he loved this man in the first place. But then he shifted and it was gone, and it was just stupid Axel again—stupid Axel he had to fuck over and over no matter how old it got.

“I don’t care. She can jam scissors up my nose later.” It wasn’t like it hadn’t happened before. Besides, Roxas thought as he pulled his rings and wristband out of the backpack and transformed it into his vest, they had to do something if the author was slacking off.

“She’ll probably be punishing me for it,” Axel said with a sigh, but he started changing his clothes into the Organization standard uniform anyhow. “If I remember right, this is one of the chicks who likes to hurt me.”

“I don’t keep track,” Roxas said, shrugging on the vest and switching out his pants and shoes. “Not when it’s just about the sex, ultimately.”

“Oh no?” Axel raised an interested eyebrow. “What about that one…”

Roxas’s lips twitched. “Okay, yeah. There was that.”

“And the other one…”

The blond’s eyes closed dreamily. “Oh hell yes.”

“Who topped in that?”

“Dude, I don’t even remember.”

Axel, though, seemed pretty intent. “I think we both did…oh yeah, that’s right! Because you…” He shook his head, grinning. “We gotta get her again sometime.”

Roxas, though, was no longer paying attention. “Chapter’s gonna end,” he said instead, glancing around. It was probably for the best—putting the smut in the first chapter was a quick way to piss the yaoi-haters off. “And nothing happened. It’s gonna sink like a stone.”

“Likely.” But Axel looked speculative as he rose, straightening his leather cloak. “Maybe she’s just not getting involved,” he said, glancing around as if he expected to see the author make an appearance. “Have you been hearing the keys?”

Roxas was so used to it that he’d almost tuned out the click of keys, but now that he thought about it, it seemed deadly silent here. “No,” he said finally, frowning. “Maybe I just can’t hear it anymore…?”

“Or maybe she’s given us the reins!” Axel suddenly looked excited. “What if she’s done that? What if we could do this on our own?”

Roxas hesitated. In most cases, everything was set in stone, but from time to time they hit places where they could pretty much do what they wanted within a set of guidelines. He’d never experienced total control of the story… “Are we even being recorded?” he asked, glancing around again. “Maybe she’s not even working this one.” Stories went on hiatus all the time, it wouldn’t surprise him.

“Yeah, dude, no—check the text,” Axel told him, pointing. “Roxas left school like a nor—like a good, normal kid—”

“All right, I get it.” Roxas wrinkled his nose. “But this doesn’t make any sense…”

“Bet it’s a satire,” Axel said with a nod. Then he noticed the author’s note. “Look at that. I fucking called it,” he said, grinning.

Author’s Note: This is something of a satire, in case that wasn’t abundantly clear, of the unbearably cliché story wherein Roxas’s normal life gets interrupted by Axel for the sole purpose of having unnaturally perfect sex. I am not criticizing the GOOD stories in which this happens, only the ones where both characters have maybe three character traits between them and nothing NEW or DIFFERENT gets contributed (I would classify these stories as BAD but the nice person who sometimes possesses my body will refer to them as UNDERDEVELOPED).

KARICKTERIZAYSHUN ES GUD. PLZ PRAKTISS IT.

Not sure what else to do with this, but I’ll continue if these two proceed with their evil plans to commandeer my brain.