Author's Note: This is the third and last in a series of which "Ouroboros" was the first installment and "Until Death Parts Us" was the Second.

Anywhere But Here

It had been raining for weeks. Just when she thought the sun might finally rally in the heavy, dripping sky the walls of swirling, pregnant grey would thicken again blocking any brief glimpse of blue she might have imagined she had seen. The only reason she even knew that there was still a sun behind all that grey was because as it slipped below the horizon it began to cast the cramped kitchen of their small flat into deeper and deeper shadow.

“Bugger it all, Sirius! How is it that you always win?”

“Luck mate. Oh, and of course dizzying intellect, but then that goes without saying…”

“Again. Best two out of three!”

“I don’t care what impression those wide innocent eyes give; there’s a taste for torture in there somewhere. Why else would you want to keep playing? You know I’ll just trounce you again.”

“Again, Black.” There was a smile, but also a definite challenge in James’ tone.

Sirius laughed and then she could hear the soft click of chess pieces out in the sitting room as the two set the board again. It amazed her that Black stuck with the game. She would have thought that something that demanded that much undivided attention would have been more than he was willing to suffer, but then it seemed to come easy for him, so perhaps he just saw it as an easy way to upstage James.

She really needed to start supper. No doubt Sirius would be staying again. Sirius always stayed, and no one ever really bothered to mention it to her, she was just expected to have enough for all. The pantry and the refrigerator were getting uncomfortably bare. It was dangerous to go out alone. James had already had one attempt on his life since their wedding, and they had stopped going out altogether when a night at the Leaky Cauldron had almost lead to her being poisoned.

She assumed that it had been someone sitting close by that had slipped the potion into her drink. Fortunately all those years of leaning over Severus’ cauldron in Potions class had taught her to recognize his handiwork. It had been almost scentless. Almost. But as she had lifted the goblet to her lips there had been the briefest hint of something indefinable, something that screamed Severus, and she had set it down again, and magically isolated its ingredients on the spot. There had been no doubt in her mind then.

She still didn’t know why she hadn’t mentioned her suspicions to James. Perhaps it was because she had been too shocked. She wondered if he had known it would be for her when he had brewed it; if it had been he who had slid up beside her at the bar and slipped it into her ale. She hoped not. The death would have been a slow and painful one, and no matter what he had become, the thought of that was…well, she just couldn’t bring herself to think of it at all.

“James, I’m going out.”

“Mmm…”

“To the market at the corner. We need food for supper.”

“Mmm…What?! No!” There was the scrape of chair legs across hardwood and then he burst through the door to the kitchen, a frown of confusion on his face. “What are you talking about? You can’t go out?”

“Why not?”

“Lils, you know why not.”

She sighed and moved toward the green wool coat and black umbrella by the door. “That was months ago, and I’m tired of being stuck indoors. You at least have Sirius. I…I haven’t even seen Alice in almost two months, and in another couple of months or so, this” she slid her hand down over her swollen belly, “will keep me even more confined than I already am. I just want to walk to the market at the corner, get some fresh air. What could possibly happen?”

“Anything. Anything could happen. We don’t know who’s out there, who might be watching this flat at this very moment. You know things are gaining momentum. Dumbledore says…”

“Fuck what Dumbledore says!”

James’ eyes momentarily widened and then he glanced down at her belly. “Shhh…You know the healers say it can hear you.”

She rolled her eyes. “Oh yes James, because your child is really going to understand the meaning of the term in its second trimester.”

His eyes darkened. “I’m only saying…It’s…it’s not just about you anymore, Lily…”

“Thank-you, James. Thank-you so much for making that clear - as though I need another reminder that my life is no longer my own.”

“What in Merlin’s name is that supposed to mean!?”

She could feel tears building and silently cursed her raging hormones. “Nothing…nothing. I’m sorry. I…I just need to get some air. Please, James. Please, I just want to go to the corner. I’ll take my wand, and if I’m not back in under an hour then you and Black can come looking for me.”

“But that shop’s a muggle market…”

She laughed. It was clipped, shrill and more than a little hysterical sounding, and she could tell by the look in his eyes that it had concerned James almost as much as it had concerned her.

“I have muggle money. I’ve told you I keep some for emergencies. Well, this is an emergency. I need to get out of this house and get some air, some veg, and maybe even a fizzy drink or two or I’m going to go mad!”

Sirius poked his head around the doorframe. “Let her go mate. It can’t hurt. Besides she’s starting to look like you keep her chained under a rock somewhere. People will start to talk.” He winked, and then craned his neck to look over James’ shoulder at her. “You said something about fizzy drinks?”

She sighed. “Muggle drinks, Black.”

“Yeah, yeah, what’s that sweet dark one?”

“They’re almost all sweet and dark.”

“The one with the red label.”

“Coca-Cola?”

“Yeah, yeah. Get me a cola, will you Lil…”

She sighed again, but she couldn’t really object. For once Black was on her side. A rarity. She’d owe him for this, and it wasn’t something that a simple fizzy drink could repay, either.

James still looked doubtful. “You’ll take your wand…”

“Of course.”

“You’ll be back in less than an hour.”

“Yes.”

“I…” He turned to Sirius briefly as though expecting to discover what was right hidden in the depths of his grey-blue eyes, but he just stared back. Finally he turned back to her. “Okay, but don’t be gone long…” He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her unexpectedly, pulling her as close as he could. “I’ll worry while you’re gone…” It was there again, for just a fraction of a second, the same needy almost childlike tone she had been hearing in his voice off and on over the last couple of months. She rubbed a hand over his back and met Sirius’ eyes for a moment. They were worried. He had heard it too.

“I’ll be fine, James. I won’t be gone long, I promise.”

xXx

She was glad for her large umbrella and wellies because in the few minutes it had taken her to walk the block to the corner the rain had alternated from clinging mist to torrential downpour and back again. It was unseasonably cold for London in late March too, and she could see her breath in tiny clouds in the gathering dusk as she dashed through the puddles and vigorously shook her umbrella before ducking into the entry of the small market.

The place was practically empty. It was nearly supper time and most people – smart people – were probably already tucked nice and cozy around their evening meal instead of traipsing about in the drizzling dusk in search of provisions. Merlin, she was a failure at domestics. As though in agreement, the babe inside her chose that moment to kick her hard against the ribs.

She winced. “Ow…You little…”

Molly Weasley said it would be a boy. She should know, she had all boys. “All my boys were active like that, all of them! You’ll see….” She had declared with conviction at the last Order meeting. Of course with nary a girl in the litter, she wondered how she would know the difference…

Rubbing her belly a little through her coat, she picked up a basket by the door and headed toward the vegetables. She really needed to eat better, for the baby’s sake. James was right. She did think too much of herself. She’d always done, she supposed, but she had seemed to have become even more selfish since she married. It was odd. Wasn’t one supposed to become less selfish when they were in love?

The lettuce was a sight, but the carrots looked fresh, and there was a little asparagus that looked as though it might have been forced, but was still rather appealing considering how long it had been since she had had any. James hated it.

She put some in the basket.

She added some potatoes and a nice little roast of lamb to make up for it, and then headed down the aisle to fetch Sirius’ cola. Slipping the umbrella under her left arm and the basket over her right, she leaned over in an attempt to reach the small glass bottles, which of course were located on the very bottom shelf. She had just managed to wrap her fingers around three of them and begun to straighten up again when the boy inside her delivered another harsh jab to her ribs. She gasped, and the bottle on which she had the most tentative grip slipped from her fingers. She let it fall. There was no way she could move fast enough to catch it.

But the expected crash never came. Instead a pale, fine-boned hand shot out and caught it just before it hit the floor. She stood in silence, mouth agape, as the same hand deposited the bottle into the basket on her arm, and then took that from her too.

“I see congratulations are in order – yet again.”

He…he looked older, harder, and there was something else too, but…

“Isn’t there some sort of rule about heavy lifting and bending when one is in…” his black eyes traveled down to her belly and he motioned toward it with undisguised disgust, “so unfortunate a condition.”

She still couldn’t seem to find her voice. She knew that she probably looked like an idiot standing there with her eyes wide, and her hands trembling. Trembling? Why were her hands trembling?

Oh yes.

Her mind finally caught up, and her hand shot for her pocket and her wand.

But his was there again, quicker than hers, and she was surprised at how hot his fingers were as they wrapped around her bare wrist. “Don’t.”

“Why?” She was surprised at the challenge in her voice.

“It would be unwise to make a scene in a muggle shop.”

She tried to pull her hand away, but he held on. “Don’t, Lily.”

“Let me go!” she spat in a whisper.

“Will you be good?” His eyes were just as dark and deathly serious as ever, but there was the tiniest, almost imperceptible twitch at the corner of his lips that hinted at a tease.

“No guarantees,” she replied, allowing the same small insinuation of a smile to play at the corners of her own.

He let her go, but continued to hold her basket hostage.

“Potter lets you do this alone in this neighborhood, in your condition?”

“Lets me? What makes you think I have to ask his permission?”

His mouth twitched a little again, and his eyes bore into her until she realized after a moment or two that she had actually stopped breathing. Tearing her eyes away, she reached out a hand for her basket. “Now kindly hand over my supper. I’ve no desire to delay the meal any longer than I already have.”

He didn’t move. Finally he shifted the basket a little in his hand. She reached out again, but he just juggled it to the other hand. “No, I don’t think I will. Potter might not care what happens to you, but…”

“But what?” she snapped, suddenly angry without knowing why.

He smiled then, but it didn’t travel to his eyes and it looked uncomfortable and unnatural on his face. He ignored her question. “What’ve you still to get?”

“Nothing.”

“Well, you’d best pay then.”

“Yes. So give me the basket.”

He stared down at its contents and then reached out and took the other two colas from her. “Hmm… Three. Black’s staying then, I assume. How’s that little arrangement work then, eh? Do you all three sleep together, or do you take turns?”

“Oh shut it, Severus! Can’t you let a thing go? I’ve not got the energy for this right now. Just give me my things.”

His eyes darkened. “That’s all the thanks I get, then?”

She laughed bitterly. “Thanks? Thanks for what, hmm? Thanks for complicating an already unpleasant evening? Thanks for not killing me on the spot? Oh yes, and while we’re on that subject, thanks so much for slipping me such a brilliantly executed brew a couple of months back at the Leaky Cauldron. Nice to see that you are so committed to making my death a memorable one!”

His brow furrowed. “What?”

“The poison you slipped or had slipped into my drink at the Leaky Cauldron a couple of months back…”

He just looked confused.

“Oh come now, Severus, don’t try and deny it. It had your signature written all over it. I didn’t work with you in Potions for five years and not learn how to recognize your particular brand of genius.”

His eyes darkened, and he looked deep in thought. Suddenly he pushed past her, and moved toward the front of the store, still carrying her basket. She looked after him for a moment and then shook her head in disbelief and hurried to catch up. By the time she did he had already reached the counter and was wordlessly unpacking her things. The blond girl behind the counter was giving him an appreciative once over as she approached, but then, realizing that she was with him, scowled once at her swollen belly and checked the rest of the items in silence.

“Ten pounds fifty,” the girl grumbled.

She reached into her pocket for her money, but Severus had already slapped some down on the counter and started to walk out. The girl looked after him and then up at her. “Change?”

She nodded and held out her hand for it, before hurrying after him. He stood just outside on the curb, the paper bag with her food held tight in the crook of his arm. The rain had let up, and a thick fog was starting to roll in. She had best get home soon or James and Sirius really would come looking.

“You forgot your change in there. Here.”

“Keep it…” he mumbled distractedly.

“Can I have my things now, please?”

He stood in silence staring across the street into the dark shadows of the alley beyond. After a moment or two he finally shook his head a little and then frowned down at her, as though confused as to why she was still standing there.

“My things…” she repeated.

“No. I’ll walk you home.”

“You can’t.”

“Why?”

“I can’t let you know where I live.”

“You need to move. Soon. Before the week is out if you can manage it.”

“What? Why?”

“Just do it.”

“But…”

“I’m walking you home.” He set off in the direction of her flat and she suddenly realized that he already knew where she lived.

“Severus, what…?”

“How many months ago was that?”

“What?”

“At the Leaky Cauldron?”

“Early last month. February…”

“Fuck,” he whispered it softly under his breath, and she suspected it was not meant for her ears.

“My God, you didn’t know, did you? You didn’t know that it was meant for me…”

His eyes flitted briefly to hers, and she didn’t need any more confirmation.

He was walking quickly, and they had returned to the flat in half the time it had taken her to get to the market. She glanced up at the window above them. The curtain was drawn, and there was a soft glow of reddish light seeping through the thin curtains. “I…I need to get in. They were going to come looking for me if I wasn’t back in under an hour.”

“It’s been forty-five minutes. You’re fine.”

“How did you…? Severus, did you follow me all the way from the flat?”

He glanced over his shoulder and then pulled her into the shelter of the building’s shadow, out of the circles of streetlamp light being diffused by the thickening fog. It was nearly impossible for her to see his eyes in the darkness, but he was standing excruciatingly close, so close she could feel the heat radiating off of him in waves. “I watch and listen, Lily. That’s what I do…”

She simply nodded.

“That’s what I do…” he repeated, but there was a strange strangled sound to his voice the second time, like…like James’ voice in the flat before she had left for the market. Frightened. He was afraid. But of what? She knew what James was afraid of. He was afraid of losing himself in the madness of everything their life had become, of losing her, but…

“Leave here. Promise me.” He whispered, and his face was so close to hers now that she could feel the soft waft of his breath against the tiny hairs at her temple.

She nodded. “Okay. Okay, Sev. We’ll go.” She whispered back. She was crying. Why was she crying?

He pulled away a little, and she could feel his eyes probing hers in the darkness, and then, suddenly, he pushed away from the wall, pushed the bag of food into her arms and turned and walked away.

She opened her mouth to say something, but her mind was blank. She didn’t know what she had said until it was out of her mouth and hanging between them in the cold, damp air. “See you around!”

He stopped and turned for just a moment. “Don’t try and find me, Lily. You don’t want to see me again… You won’t see me again…”

She watched him until his lean, dark silhouette disappeared into the fog, and then, wiping the tears from her eyes she mounted the stairs to the flat, made dinner, washed the dishes and put them away as she did every night.

Later, when James lay spent and satiated in her arms, she did what she knew she must. She begged him to find them another flat – “Anywhere - anywhere but here...”