Rating: Teen

Author: Greensl33ves

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Notes: Includes slash and incest. It's the series, darlings, not just me. The timeperiod is somewhere between The Virtu and The Mirador. The origins of Felix's little drinking problem are explored.

Fandom: Doctrine of Labrynths, including Melusine, The Virtu, and The Mirador, all by Sarah Monette.

I got five bruises right now, and I got 'em all between now and this time yesterday, and I'll give you a hint that only one of 'ems below my waist.

That the one on my left ankle, where I kicked it against the wall to keep myself from kicking Felix in the shins at the Curia meeting yesterday. Robert of Hermione was baiting him like the rat he is and Felix wasn't in no mood to ignore him and let him trip up over his own stupid feet. No, Felix had to go and do the tripping for him, and not in no nice way, neither. The point that I had to kick the wall came when Robert made some probably-true slur about Methony and what she did as a whore and Felix said back that at least his mother got paid for her services, and probably quite well, unlike, say, Robert's mother. That's when I kicked the wall, right then. But then Robert tripped up and started to make a remark about how that's probably where Felix got his talent, then realized that he was complimenting Felix and shut up real fast. Most of the Curia tittered in an amused way for a moment, then Giancarlo cleared his throat and asked, "If we may continue, gentlemen?" and they all got on with the rest of the meeting.

Well, that cheered Felix up right quick, and when we went back to our rooms he spent half of dinner acting out the whole scene for Gideon, who laughed in his soundless way. Only after our dishes had been taken away did Felix stand and stretch and reach out a hand to Gideon.

"Time for the soirée soon, and you promised me that you would go!" Gideon said something to him with a scowl and Felix just smiled even wider. "Now now, don't think you can go back on your word. You lost that bet fair and square, and you'll go with me."

I wondered about that, 'cause it wasn't like Gideon to gambol, but then I just shrugged and went to change my cravat. If they wanted me to know, they knew where to find me. Wasn't like I was the first person people ran to with news.

Felix took his usual forty minutes to dress and I took five, but Gideon surprised us both by taking a full hour to get ready. He must have creased five cravats trying to get one right before Felix snapped at him to hold still and did it for him.

We were a sight, us walking into the ballroom just late enough to get us noticed. There was Felix in a bright teal coat with enough bullion to buy a house or two, and Gideon who never left the rooms sulking in a bright green coat that Felix had bought for the occasion, and me behind them lurking like Death's dog in my usual black. Felix had brandished a purple ribbon at me and demanded I wear it, but I just looked at him and he got the idea without too much of a fuss. Now, though, with all the people looking at us, I almost wished I'd done it, just so I wouldn't look so fucking out of place among all the flashies.

Yeah, because a new ribbon was really going to make a stupid crip like me blend into a gilded ball room.

The soiree was somewhere between the official proceedings being over and people being drunk enough to start dancing and so Felix drifted over to find his group of friends, Gideon and I trailing behind like dogs on a leash. That is, until Felix turned and raised an eyebrow at me. "I only need one sulking shadow tonight, Mildmay. You may find someplace to hide, as per your usual charming and social behavior."

His smug smile was enough to make me want to break his jaw but I just nodded and turned to look for somewhere to sit in peace. I didn't want to the see the look of pity and panic that Gideon was sure to be giving me. Wasn't like there was anything I could do about it. I'd just have to find somewhere that I could keep an eye on them both and pray that no one would bother me and Felix wouldn't pick any fights and no one would say anything mean to Gideon and- fuck, Milly-Fox, you want a hankie there so you can wipe their chins too? I found a chair next to a giant potted plant and got ready to wait. I knew it'd be a long time before we left.

The Hall of Chimeras was noisy and crowded, full of happy chatter and low arguments, and soon there was music too as the dancing started up a ways away. Nearby, some flashie was batting his eyes pretty at a noble girl while the man standing behind him slipped something in the flashie boy's unattended drink. Two hocuses on their left were arguing with words that ran a septad of syllables apiece, and on their other side a woman whispered in a servant's ear. All of them ignored me and the bitchkitty was that it didn't make me feel relieved or happy, no, just make me feel like putting my head in my hands and crying, only that would be stupid cause Felix would probably notice and make fun of me for it in front of all his hocus friends and then I'd just feel even worse. I didn't even know why I felt like such shit, just that I did.

All of the sudden the smile that Felix had given Gideon at dinner popped into my mind, the one where he was grinning and laughing and Gideon was laughing back and they both looked so damn happy, and how Felix never did that with me, never tried to make me laugh or cheer me up, and that thought was just so damn stupid and depressing and true that I just thought 'fuck it' and knocked my head backwards against the wall hard enough to make myself pass out.

Not for very long, though, cause the next thing I knew I was staring at the people in front of me who hadn't barely moved an inch from where I'd seen them last and my head was pounding like someone'd chopped it off and stomped on it with nails in their boots.

"You're awake?" Mehitabel's voice said from next to me and I just about jumped out of my skin, and I guessed some time had passed after all for her to get close and me not know it, cause there she was in a dress as fancy as any looking like she was all of two septads and an indiction. "That's the last time I leave my dancing partner to come say hello—am I really that bad to talk to?"

"No-" I began to say, but it got lost in a yelp as my skull began to sting. Dammit, she was putting vodka or something else with alcohol on my scalp from that glass of liquid I'd thought was water. "Fuck, Mehitabel, I didn't see you coming."

"I would have hoped," she teased, dabbing again at what I guessed my have been a pretty nasty lump by this point. "I mean, I know that purple isn't my best color, but I didn't think I looked that bad. But if that isn't it, why exactly were you trying to kill yourself against that wall?"

I shrugged and tentatively reached up to feel my new bruise, number two for the day. It was a good-sized lump and my hand came away with blood on the tips, but at least after the alcohol it wouldn't get infected. When I looked up it was to find Mehitabel giving me her best governess look, one eyebrow raised, hands on hips, and finally I muttered, "It was nothing. Didn't want to think anymore, that's all."

She sighed and shoved her glass into my hands. "Drink this if you don't want to think—it's double-strong vodka, I don't know what my date was thinking. I'm going to go get another drink, and if I come back here to find that you have moved so much as an inch, I will hunt you down and give you another lump to match the first, so help me." And with that she flounced away and I found myself alone once again, this time with a headache and something to dull it with. The vodka burned my throat as much as it had burned my head but I swallowed it all anyway and prayed to Kethe it would kick in soon. Then I glanced around the ballroom for a glimpse of Felix or Gideon, to see if they had noticed my new injury.

Felix wasn't too hard to find; he was in the middle of the dance floor swinging some countess or another around. Gideon didn't look to be anywhere nearby, though. Wait, no, there he was, standing by the bar and grabbing Mehitabel's arm as she waited for the drinks to come, pulling out his tablet to say something to her. She smiled at him and gestured at something across the room, then glanced over at me and—aw fuck, Mehitabel, come on—pointed and made a gesture at the back of her head. Great. Now Gideon would be wanting to know why I'd driven my head into the wall.

Just thinking about it made me remember why I'd done it and I wished Mehitabel would hurry up with the drinks. She was still talking to Gideon, though, and my mind had nothing to do but drift to the gaudy figure now swirling with a lady hocus. He was smiling at her, but it was just his polite smile, not one of his five-alarm smiles, and for some reason that I dearly hoped had something to do with the head injury and the vodka, that made me feel better.

Before I could think about that, though, she was back, bearing another two vodkas and Gideon right behind her. I took my drink and had a big gulp while he stared at me for about ten seconds before making a motion that I didn't need no help interpreting as he wanted to see the back of my head.

I glared, first at Mehitabel, then at him. "I ain't some kid not even at my first septad. I'm fine."

Gideon frowned at me and Mehitabel said, "Then if you're old enough to know better, you shouldn't do stupid things. Let Gideon reassure himself. He didn't believe me."

Mehitabel raised her eyebrows at me and pouted her lips ridiculously, making her look younger than ever. She was trying to make me laugh, and the thought cheered me enough that I finally sighed and looked at Gideon and muttered, "Fine. Don't prod. It hurts." Actually, it didn't hurt by then. It felt numb, but I didn't want to say anything about that in case it made them try to poke at me even more.

Gideon nodded and I leaned down so that he could get at the back of my head easy. There his fingers nudged apart my hair gently to the bruise underneath and I heard him draw in breath quick. Then his fingers were gone and he was scribbling something on his tablet and showing it to Mehitabel, who nodded and said, "Good idea."

Gideon didn't even bother showing me whatever he'd said to her before he hurried off into the crowd towards the dancers and probably Felix, and those two things just combined to make me feel even more shitty and the whole night was shitty now and my distraction had been useless and couldn't I do anything right? Yeah, Milly-Fox, good idea, that one, running your head into the wall. Worked great, didn't it.

I was dead right about where Gideon was heading because about two minutes later he came back with a very angry Felix in tow. Reflexively I swallowed the last of my drink. This was going to be the chewing out of a lifetime once we got in the hallway. And Gideon was going to get to hear it too. Fucking brilliant. What should I do for my encore, invite Mehitabel along for the show?

The first thing Felix did was snap, "Let me see." Then his fingers were in my hair, poking around until I had to grit my teeth to keep from yelping. "And you did this to yourself, Mildmay?"

"Yes," I growled from between my teeth.

"Why?"

"Didn't want to think," I said even more quietly.

Felix's face was right in mine, his voice low and nasty, "This isn't the end of this," and fuck if his voice didn't sound just like Stritch's. Then he turned back to Gideon and Mehitabel, all charming smiles and reassurances.

"I'm going to take Mildmay back to our suite so he can rest, but please, both of you stay here and enjoy the party. Have some pastries, they're delicious."

Mehitabel eyed him suspiciously and glanced at me as Gideon frowned and said something to Felix, who laughed.

"No no, Gideon, the terms of the bet stated that you were to stay until the end; they did not say that I had to accompany you the entire time. You may return when it ends, whenever that may be."

"What bet?" Mehitabel asked suddenly, smiling, her eyes darting at me ever so slightly, and I thought maybe she was trying to figure out if that had something to do with my injury.

Felix laughed again. "Oh, nothing really. Gideon just bet me that I couldn't get into a name-calling argument with Robert of Hermione five Curia meetings in a row without Giancarlo interfering, and today he lost that bet."

"Oh? And what did he call you, Sunshine?"

Felix tapped a finger against his chin. "I believe it was a 'brash-faced whore's spawn.' He, of course, was a 'child of a toad and his poor, unpaid mother, who probably was a goat.'"

Mehitabel made a face. "Charming. Well, you two go and I'll keep Gideon occupied. Come on, I know a man that you would love to meet…"

Their backs turned, Felix was already stalking away, back stiff and polite smile pasted to his face. I left my glass on the floor and limped after him as fast as I could go, which as usual wasn't fast enough, specially not with my head throbbing. He reached the doors about three septad-foot in front of me and didn't bother to slow down for two corridors. When he did it was to suddenly turn and glare at me. I stopped short, figuring I probably didn't want to be within arms reach of him right then.

His eyes narrowed when he realized what I'd done and why I'd done it. "Come closer, Mildmay." I stared at him. "Oh for- I'm not going to hit you, alright? Now get over here!"

This time there was a touch of the Obligation behind it and reluctantly I went forward until there was only an arms length between us and he could swipe at me all he wanted.

A smile twisted his face, worse than if he'd started screaming at me. "Better. Now I can ask you without shouting what on earth you thought you were doing when you pulled that stunt involving your head and the wall?"

I looked down. "Told you. Didn't want to think."

"Look at me when you answer my questions! And speak up."

I looked up, but he didn't say I had to look him in the eyes so instead I looked at his lips 'cause they don't remind me of Stritch at all, and I tried to make my words clearer, but my lips felt a little numb and it was hard. "I said that I did it 'cause I didn't want to think anymore."

"Yes, knocks to the head do generally hurt one's ability to think," Felix shot right back, but not with as much venom as I expected, almost like his mind was on something else. "Come on. Let's go back to the rooms."

Then he was off again and I was behind him and dammit, he was going fast or I was going slow but either way I just couldn't catch up. Pretty soon he was ahead of me enough that he managed to turn two corners before me and I wasn't sure where he'd gone.

"Felix?" I called softly. He could lose himself in a paper sack, and I didn't know if maybe this would be the day that his luck ran out and he finally got himself lost in the Mirador. I didn't hear no footsteps, neither. "Felix, you there?"

And then suddenly he was, striding back down the corridor towards me and stopping an arms length away, like we'd never stopped talking at all, and I went back to focusing on his mouth.

"Mildmay, why didn't you want to think?" His voice was quiet again, but not nasty anymore, just quiet.

I shrugged and wished that my head didn't hurt so much. "'Cause I didn't feel like it."

"Why?"

"Because! Powers, Felix, why do you care?"

His breath caught and I glanced at his eyes. They were looking at me funny. "Mildmay…I do care about you. You know that, right?"

The look in his eyes was scaring me, but not like when he looked like Stritch earlier, not that kind of scare, and suddenly I didn't want to look at them no more and stared at the floor instead. I wanted to run but my body felt like lead, except for my bad leg, which just felt numb. "Sure. I know, Felix."

"Look at me, for fuck's sake!"

And I did, if only 'cause Felix never swears, never, and his face was all twisted like he was trying to be angry because it beat being scared and he licked his lips- fuck, oh fuck, come on Felix, don't do this to me. The look in his eyes was like he wanted to devour me, just throw me to the floor and fuck me and I'd seen that look sometimes on Keeper's face and sometimes on men's faces as they sized up whores and I purely didn't want to see it on Felix's face then. Maybe I was scared, maybe I was just trying to distract him, but I said the first thing that came into my head: "Felix, what would've happened if you'd lost the bet?"

It startled him and I could see it by the way he froze, stared at me like he had no idea who I was or what I was talking about. Then a slow, predatory smile began to grow on his face and I just knew that I'd fucked up and fucked up big. "Well, Mildmay, it's funny that you should ask. Why don't I demonstrate?"

And then faster than I'd thought Felix could move he had me up against the stone wall, my lump from earlier connecting with a squishy 'thump.' My vision swam, black spots dimming out most of the hall and all of Felix's face but his grinning mouth, Stritch's mouth, and all my instincts were screaming at me to run and I coulda' had him off me before but not now, not with my knees buckling and my bad leg making me slump so that the only thing holding me up was the hands on my arms and hips pressing against mine, grinding me hard against the rough stone. They wasn't grinding to keep me up either.

From far away I heard Felix say, "This is what Gideon would have 'won,' and no maquillage for me." And then he bit me on the neck, right beneath my jaw-hinge, and the black spots swallowed me up.

Next thing I knew I was slumped forward leaning on Felix's shoulder and he was petting my hair, running his fingers through it. For a long minute the only thought that could force itself through my head was 'where did my ribbon go?' and then my brain woke up and so did the pain and I tried to push myself out of Felix's arms only to find that I couldn't move a fucking inch.

"Shh, shh, you're fine, Mildmay, you're fine."

His lips pressed against my neck and I couldn't stop him.

"Don't worry, I'll get us back to the rooms."

Fuck no, I wasn't going back like this, not with him, him like this, petting my hair and talking like I was some child whore he'd just bought for the night. I'd sooner fuck Melusine's cunt. Again I tried to do something, to fucking move, but I couldn't do it, couldn't do anything but lay against Felix as he half carried, half-dragged me along the corridor, stopping every few steps to kiss me on the cheek or the mouth until I wanted to scream, to slow the walk, to do something to stop what I knew was going to come.

He'd promised.

It looked like tonight he'd break it.

Fuck, like Felix betraying me was anything new.

After what seemed like an eternity, I dimly recognized the door to the suite in front of us. I groaned slightly and closed my eyes, not opening them until after my coat and waistcoat had been removed and my back hit a soft mattress. Not mine. Felix's. Mine wasn't this soft, didn't have a big down comforter with embroidery spread all over it. I stared up at his ceiling. It was white with gold leaf around the edges of the molding. There were little flowers painted on it. I'd never noticed that before. Gideon probably had, and the thought makes me shudder, and all at once Felix was leaning over me, curly hair brushing my cheeks as he stroked a stray strand out of my eyes.

"Hush, hush, you're fine." He pushed his hair behind an ear with one hand and steadied himself against the bed with the other. "You're okay, Mildmay, you're alright."

Oh fuck, we'd both heard the Lower City in that last sentence, and when had he taken his coat and waistcoat off? Probably while I was looking at the pretty flowers. Dammit, Milly-Fox, you're so dumb sometimes they ought to use you to plant flowers in. Felix's eyes were traveling from my eyes to my mouth and back again and he'd started stroking my jaw with one hand, and this when I decided to see if I could move at all again. Felix licked his lips and closed his eyes. I tried to bolt.

My limbs were numb and sort of dead-feeling, like someone had replaced them with lead weights. They didn't hurt or nothing, but I couldn't even wiggle my fingers. Even my thoughts felt like they were moving through mud. I tried to move my lips. They twitched.

And that was when Felix opened his eyes again, smiled at me, and leaned down to gently kiss me.

I've been kissed before by just about every sort of person there is—whores, shop girls, old women, couple of men, Keeper—but I'd never been kissed like that. Like…like I was loved. Nobody'd ever done that for me, never kissed me like that, I mean. And that made me remember why I'd hit my head against the wall in the first place and why Felix had dragged me out and how all that had led to this and for the second time this evening I just wanted to cry like a kid not past his first septad. Only when I realized that the ceiling was blurring did I realize that I could, and could move my eyes too. At least that part of me wasn't numb.

By this time Felix was beginning to move his lips against mine, but not rough, still that gentle kiss, his hand stroking my hair again. A tear trickled down my face and I couldn't stop it, and Felix didn't see, but finally I felt a sob building and opened my mouth on accident and that was all the permission he needed to stick his tongue in there and oh sacred bleeding fuck this was not happening. Felix slipped an arm under my back, I guess so he could pull me closer without laying on me, and that's when I realized that he was straddling me and had been all along but he wasn't doing nothing like touching my cock or touching his, like I'd thought he would. No, he was just kissing my mouth, now my neck, nipping at the skin softly and sucking on my earlobe and any moment one of those teardrops was going to hit him and any moment I was going to lose it, just fucking lose it and start sobbing and never stop. My stomach hurt and I didn't know why but he was acting like he loved me and I couldn't move or say stop or kiss him back or even just curl into a ball and die, but he was probing his tongue into my ear and it felt so good and I couldn't stop him anyway or do anything but let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding.

Felix must have thought that was a good sign because he moved the hand that had been propping him up so that he really was laying on me and used it to begin tugging at my cravat, undoing the knot and slipping it off my neck so that he could get at the buttons of my shirt. He was being real gentle about it, kissing my chest as my shirt came open, and once he was done with my shirt he undid his own cravat and tossed it aside. Maybe his eyes were open for that but they didn't look at my face, didn't look anywhere but the scars on my chest as he began to kiss them, one by one, and Kethe but that took a long time. Little careful snakey kisses and what gave him the right to kiss my scars when no one was allowed to even see his?

I wondered if this was how girls felt when they got raped, like puking and dying and kissing back all at once and wondering if anyone had ever been this nice to them before. Probably not, and I about smacked myself for even having the thought. Then again, if Felix had been like he usually sounds like from the other side of the wall, maybe I would know.

His tongue dragged down a long scar I'd gotten from not remembering that someone had nails in their boots and I just about stopped thinking at all because I realized that I wanted this, wanted this love or softness or whatever the fuck Felix was doing. All at once I felt so sick that I felt bile rising in my throat and if I puked like this I'd drown in it and the thought scared me so much that I couldn't help but try once again to move and I couldn't, not at all. Only my mouth moved, but that was something at least, and I could actually feel my lips now and that was something more. But now his hands were drifting towards the waistband of my trousers and oh god, he was going to do it, he was going to touch me and I couldn't move or say no and oh fuck oh fuck please don't do this to me, please no. I couldn't breath for wanting to scream.

And that's when Felix moved his mouth to kiss the scar on my face. Now, I don't got much feeling in it at the best of times; it just feels sort of prickly when it gets touched, but for some reason when he kissed it I felt his lips and they were soft and why the hell would he want to kiss that thing? So ugly, ugly like me, stupid and fucked up and wrong, just like me, stupid fucked up me, and none of my face was numb anymore, and that's when my hand clenched in a fist and my mouth let out a tiny sob and Felix opened his eyes.

My eyes had never closed, and now I watched Felix's face as he looked at me. For a moment he started to smile, not smugly, but almost sweetly. Then he noticed the tears. His eyes went wide, his mouth opened a tiny bit, and his eyes went wider still as he stared at me. I think that's the first time he realized that I wasn't saying 'okay.' Maybe he'd thought that when I didn't resist it was because I didn't mind, and I think that was it because a look of horror came over his face for a moment, and then he looked just plain scared. "Mildmay…"

I closed my eyes. I couldn't stand to see him look at my face anymore.

"Mildmay, I- I- I didn't know, I swear, I thought-"

He sounded so lost, like a little kid, like he had sometimes when he was crazy and knew he'd done something wrong but didn't know what it was. A little scared, a little confused, a little like he wanted to cry too. A soft finger wiped away a tear from my face and that's when I found I could speak.

"Felix," I whispered. "Don't."

He snatched his hand back like it'd been burned. "I didn't- you didn't say- I wouldn't have-" He stopped himself when he heard the desperation in his voice.

"I can't move," I managed to get out, a little louder this time. "Couldn't say no…'til just now."

And that's when I lost it, just fucking lost it and started sobbing outloud like a kid, like the woman I'd seen once whose son was being led to the sanguette. Tears were pouring down my face and I think I was saying something but I don't know what it was and I didn't want anything but to curl up in a ball or run away but I couldn't fucking move, couldn't even keep the snot out of my mouth-and then suddenly Felix was there, bundling me into his arms and holding me. My face was against his chest and his hand stroked my hair, just like it had earlier, and he was saying, "Shh, Mildmay, shh, it's okay," just like he had when he was bringing me back, only now he was also saying, "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry," like by saying it enough he could change what he'd done.

I cried 'til my arms could move and hug him back, 'til I could lift my head from his chest to rest on his shoulder, 'til my eyes felt like they had grit in them and I couldn't cry no more. That's when Felix leaned over and blew out the lone candle and I fell into dreamless sleep.

The next thing I knew there was a hammering on the door and a hammering in my head. Someone was shouting. Felix must of heard it a moment after I did because he groaned and buried his head in the pillow next to me and suddenly I realized that he had been tipsy last night when he had been after me. I hadn't noticed it back then, and that's when my brain began to wake up to that something was very wrong, and had been for a while now.

The shouting in the next room began to get a little more coherent and I could make out that it was words they were yelling. "Felix! Felix!"

Felix moaned again and pulled me closer.

"Felix, come on, unlock the door! It's Mehitabel and Gideon! Come on, open up!"

But I knew Felix wasn't going to willingly get up any time soon, so I untangled myself from him and unlocked the door myself.

As soon as the light hit my face I knew that'd been a bad idea. Gideon caught me as I fell over, but it didn't do him much good, 'cause I just was going on my knees to puke as my stomach revolted at the light and the movement and whatever had been fucking with my body and brain last night. Mehitabel gasped and pulled me up, muttering, "Thank goodness, thank goodness."

Then suddenly Felix was there, his arm around my waist, guiding me to a chair and stroking my hair back and handing me a handkerchief to wipe my mouth with. My stomach was churning and I swallowed hard, trying not to throw up again. It took me a minute to get it under control before I could look up and see why no one was saying anything. My hair was in my face and I automatically reached into my pocket for my ribbon-only to find it tied around my wrist in a bow. The room was so quiet you could of heard the dogs barking in Britomart as I slowly untied the ribbon and wrapped it around my hair instead. Only when I'd finished tying the bow did Felix clear his throat. At least he'd thought to put a shirt on; I hadn't and I shivered.

"So, may I ask what you two are doing here at two in the morning when surely the soiree is not nearly over yet?"

Bothe Gideon and Mehitabel looked grim. "We were worried. About Mildmay."

"I didn't knock my head that bad," I muttered, looking away.

"No, but I gave you my drink." Mehitabel's voice was sharp, brittle. "The soiree is over, Felix, because at least three men were discovered to be going around and putting drugs in women's drinks to make them feel faint and leave so that these, these unscrupulous men could assault them." She took a deep breath. Her face was so white. "The man whose guest I was tonight was one of them, but- but I'd given my drink..."

"...To Mildmay," Felix finished, following her gaze to me with wide eyes. "Of course. Paralysis. Fainting."

And suddenly it all clicked. Why I hadn't been able to move. Why I hadn't noticed Felix had been drinking. Why my thoughts seemed so slow and my voice hadn't worked. My head spun with it and I had to put it in my hands so I wouldn't be sick again.

"Yes." Mehitabel sat down heavily in the chair next to me. "They found two of the women and realized what had happened, and that's when they stopped the party to warn everyone and search for more and I realized what I'd done..."

Her eyes were big as they looked at me, and I knew what she was thinking: what if it had been her and not me that had drunk that vodka? Sure, I'd passed out, but the dose hadn't been right, it hadn't been total lights out. And even though she hadn't had it, what had happened to me? She reached out to stroke my arm but froze, and I noticed the hand-shaped bruise that was just beginning to show up. There was one on my other arm to match, probably from when Felix had first shoved me against the wall.

"No, I did not," Felix said suddenly, and I looked at him. He was glaring at Gideon, who in turn strode over to me and lifted my chin. Mehitabel sucked in a breath and Felix looked away and all at once I realized what they were looking at: the hickie Felix had left on my neck. What would have happened if Felix had lost the bet. My face flooded with heat and a looked down as Felix recoiled as if he'd been slapped. "How dare you-"

Felix reached out to me but Mehitabel got there first, grabbing my hand and leading me stumbling out the door without a second look back. Only when it closed behind us and we were alone did she turn and hug me fiercely to her chest. Not quite knowing what to do, I put my arms around her. "S'okay, Mehitabel. I'm okay."

She jerked backwards, staring at me. "Okay? You're 'okay?' All I could think was- Oh god, and you-" Her next words burst out of her like she couldn't help it. "I see the way Felix looks at you!"

Now it was my turn to lurch back. "Felix doesn't look at me. He doesn't!"

She was livid. "Don't lie to me, Mildmay! I'm not stupid, the whole fucking Mirador can see-"

I swung my hand up and covered her mouth just before she went into hysterics. An icy weight had settled in my stomach, feeling worse than the churning had. "Mehitabel. Felix. Doesn't. Look at me. Okay? He doesn't." I dropped my hand. "Felix doesn't fucking look at me at all." Even to my ears my that sounded bitter.

Mehitabel pressed her lips together, just looking at me like she knew I was lying, and then nodded once.

I swayed slightly on my feet and suddenly her arm was around my waist, helping me to stay upright. "Come on, Mildmay." There was the sound of breaking glass from inside the suite. "Let's go to bed."

She led me forward and I followed, like I always do, as another crash rang out behind me.

Court arrived this morning and I was there, standing by Felix's side with maquillage on my neck an inch thick from when Gideon had grabbed me and done it this morning at the last minute. He hadn't said anything about it, just pressed his lips in a thin line, reminding me of Mehitabel from last night, and I swear he wouldn't meet my eyes. Felix hadn't said anything neither, aside from, "Let's go." Didn't mention what he'd done or what I'd done or the drugs or nothing, but damn did he walk quickly, and I wondered what Gideon had said to him.

Gideon'd done a good job on the cover up, because no one gave me a second look in Court, just went about their own business. For once there were other things to talk about, the men who had been arrested since last night and the women that they found or hadn't found yet. Felix just ignored it all and swept out as soon as he could, a little slower than before so I could keep up this time.

Suddenly I recognized where we were going. Normally Felix has a set rout he takes between his rooms and the Hall of Chimeras, but he wasn't taking it today, just like he hadn't taken it last night, and something told me that wasn't good news. There was the corridor I'd lost him at, and there was the wall-

There was a small, dark circle on the wall, right about level with the spot on my head, and I knew that we had gotten to where Felix wanted to be. He turned to me and I stood up straight, looked him in the eye like I'd been avoiding earlier.

"How is your head, Mildmay?" he asked in a polite voice.

"S'okay. I've had worse," I said.

"Well. I suppose I should be glad not to be the cause of your worst injuries."

His voice was bitter, nasty. "Felix, I-"

"You what? You're sorry? Sorry you couldn't stop me or sorry that you eventually did?"

I didn't say nothing. What could I say to that, except that I wasn't going to apologize? That'd just make him angrier or something I didn't want to think about.

He was walking toward me until he was an arm's length away, just like last night. I didn't move or flinch as he reached out to poke at the maquillage that must have been wearing off, though I wanted to pull back so bad I could taste it. His fingers gripped my chin and his lips moved in and the bile rose in my throat and no-

I stumbled back, my body suddenly remembering that it could move. Felix lost his grip on me and I hit the wall with my back, leaning against it as my leg steadied. The blot where my head had taken a hit last night was on the other side of the hall and I swallowed as Felix stared at me, his eyes blank.

"The former, then," he said in this kind of tight little voice, and then he turned and swept down the hallway fast and I started to clump after him but he suddenly screamed, "Don't follow me!" with the obligation full behind it and I stopped in my tracks with nothing to do but count my bruises.

I got five of them, ankle, head, arms and neck, and they cover up pretty good, even the one on my neck, which is half behind my cravat and the rest covered up with maquillage. They don't hurt, neither, but they're there, same as my scars, a part of me. And suddenly I wonder how many bruises I've taken that haven't left a mark but did something to me anyway. Felix had spent a long time kissing the visible ones, and maybe, maybe in doing that he'd left some of his own. How many scars did I have, really?

But that's like wondering how many people I've killed: I don't know and it don't matter anyway, 'cause they're just things that I've done and nothing will ever change that. Nothing will ever change. My bruises will fade and I'll just get some new ones, Felix will stop being mad about this and be mad about something else instead. Gideon will find a new reason to not look me in the eye. The Mirador gossip will turn. And all along, I'll keep wondering how many more scars I'll get before my life is over, how many I'll never even notice because what's one more fuck up on someone as ugly as me? What's one more bruise matter if nobody's there to care? What's one more kiss if the person who gives it doesn't love me?

The wall in front of me looks sturdy enough. Maybe I'll go take a walk in dreamland. After all, what difference does one more bruise make if nobody but me knows?

Author's Notes:

Okay, so, does everyone remember how in "The Mirador" Felix had started drinking? I figured he had something that had set him off, and so I decided to write one! There will probably be a chapter soon, part two if you will, showing this whole thing from Felix's point of view and his take on it, and probably better smut cause he's not drugged, only a bit drunk. Oh drunk Felix...by the way, drunk Mildmay, which has never appeared in cannon, shall make an appearance very soon, just because I have a funny idea for it. Yay!

Honestly, though, I meant this story to be a lot more...hardcore than it turned out. I wanted Felix to be all like 'go for the pants!' and Mildmay all like 'ahhh noooo!' which Mildmay was and Felix for some reason was not. I guess this is because I think that the only way they could ever have a relationship sexually is if Felix let Mildmay be on top, which he hasn't been able to let anyone do for quite some time now, about three to four years, I believe. Anyway, I think that this has been set upin cannon , that Mildmay needs a relationship where he's in control, and Felix needs someone to reign him in and take care of him, I guess. I dunno, I could be totally off the mark, but that's what I think.

Also, I made a C2 for Melusine fanfiction! I got really flowery with the name, too; it's called "Stories from the Heart of the Maze: Melusine Fanfiction" and I will put any story in there so long as it's in this universe! Wel left me a review in "Appasionata" about more fics, but ffn tends to kill links, so if you want a story in the C2, message me, leave a review with the author name, whichever! I will add it, and probably add you to the C2 cause so you can add any other fics you find.

Anyway, enough of my blathering. I hope you liked the fic and will ready the rest of them if you haven't already! I love reviews, too, especially on how you think things will turn out and whatnot. :D Plus let me know what you want to read and I'll probably write it, cause I love you all that much!

-Steph

aka Greensl33ves