CHAPTER SIX

"Our bachelorette today is a recovering cancer victim who has vacationed far and wide, including a trip to Australia. She's looking for a man who doesn't mind being lectured to. Which of our six lucky bachelo's will she choose today? Rose, you'll have a chance to asks questions of our hidden bachelors, at the end of which you'll choose just one. Say hi to our handsome contestants, Rose."

"Hello, boys."

The pen made a scratching sound against the writing tablet as Sayid brought it to an abrupt halt. "One thing is troubling me," he said. "One not so small matter." He took another drink of his beer, this time a swig and not a sip. Now that the quality of the selection had improved, he was drinking less leisurely. The Mike's Hard Black Cherry had proven delectable, but after one bottle, Sayid had been forced to admit that it possessed an overly girlish sweetness and that drinking it therefore implied, whether rightly or wrongly, that the drinker was not man enough to genuinely enjoy the taste of alcohol.

He was now imbibing a Guiness, because the scientist in him had been duly impressed by the design of the can, which allowed a draft like pour into the beer mugs the Iraqi had forced the doctor to dig out of his upper cupboards. Sayid had early resolved to join the Jack in the drinking, but there was only so long he could throw back from a can. Perhaps the wifebeater he so comfortably donned belied his gentility.

Sayid did not know why he had eschewed alcohol so long, when he had already cast off all other vestiges of his birth religion except prayer. It wasn't as if the alcohol affected him. All that preaching against the way it made one lose control of oneself…obviously that didn't apply to him. He felt quite fine and very much in control.

"Hmprmph?" asked Jack, who had nearly nodded off but who was now drawn to attention. "What's your problem with it?"

"Why would a married woman be seeking a date on the Dating Game?"

"Well, we could totally kill Bernard off," suggested Hurley.

Sayid winced. "Why would we want to?"

"Dude? Point." Hurley nodded.

"Who wanted to write in Rose in the first place?" asked Jack. "Let's go back to Shannon. Any of us would do her, right, Hurley? Right? Even if she isn't nice, you'd do her, right?" he asked, spilling his beer onto the floor and cursing.

Sayid glanced at the damage and raised an eyebrow. "I realize you are imbrbriated," – he paused for a moment and concentrated - "I mean inebriated, but if you could please refrain from referref" – he paused again, concentrating harder this time – "referring to my former girlfriend as an object to be done, I would appreciate it."

Jack's mouth fell slightly open and his eyes took on that glaze they always did when he tried to look threatening, but, as usual, he just ended up looking overwhelmed. "Yeah? And what if I don't."

Sayid put down his mug and lifted the bottle that Jack had let fall to the floor. He ran a finger up the neck of it and slid it slowly around the rim until it whistled. The sound grew to an amazingly high pitch. He stopped suddenly. "You don't want to discover what else I am capable of doing with the neck of a bottle, once it is fractured from its base."

"Okay…let's just lighten the mood, okay?" Hurley wasn't drinking any beers. They didn't mix well with his anti-psychotic medications. "You know…get back to writing? Have fun? Best piece of fanfiction ever? Remember? Eye on the ball, dudes, eye on the ball."

"Why not just make Sayid the bachelor and let him choose from three bachlorettes?" Jack asked scornfully. "He gets all the girls anyway. Put Shannon in there and go ahead and put Kate and Juliet too – I never got ANY of them anyway, at least not for long." He sniffed loudly. "Even though people were talking about Jacket – and it was ALL my name with just two letters of hers tacked on – I still didn't end up with her either!"

Sayid put the bottle back on the floor and reclaimed his own mug. He raised his beer slowly to his lips. He seemed to think a moment, and then he lowered it. "That's not an unbreesonble – un-reas-on-a-ble - proposal," he said.

Jack moaned, "I didn't mean for you to take me up on it. Why don't I ever get the girls?"

"Uh… because…okay….I hate to say it…" interjected Hurley, "but…because…like you've had I don't know how many chances, and you just don't grab the bull by the horns, dude. That's all I can say. Like, Sayid…he sees an opening, and he totally moves in and then completely bogarts the chick. No triangles or anything. If anyone tries to make a triangle, he gives them the death stare. Just saying."

Sayid reached over and patted Jack affectionately on the back. "I love you, Jack." His eyes glowed with the warm after-effects of the beer. "I love you, my friend. Did I ever tell you that? You be the bachelor. You have six bachellorettes to choose from. Choose anyone you want. Except Shannon. Or Nadia. Or that woman I slept with and then shot to death. I can't remember her name right now, but I fell utterly in love with her, and you must not have her. But any other girl Jack," he hugged him around the shoulders, "any other girl, absolutely any – I say! That lamp is beautiful!" He stood suddenly and walked over and began to examine the solid tan lampshade. "See how the light plays around the edges; it reminds me of the sunset on the beach after a night of passion. It's so beautiful."

There was a moment of uncomfortable silence until Hurley said, "Uh…dude? Stop staring at the lamp and sit down, okay? We're going to make Peninsulafern the contestant."

"WHO?" Jack and Sayid asked in unison.

"She's a fanfiction writer…writes a lot of Misplaced fanfiction over at Misplaced Forums. You know. All those fanfics based on that Indian character in Misplaced who used to be a really corrupt corporate oil executive but then just went totally Cary Grant when they crashed on that unknown planet? You know…he gets laid in every fanfic. He gets more than you, Sayid."

"Oh, yes," said Jack.

"I recall," said Sayid.

"Well, what do you think? All us men from the island are on the panel – and Peninsulafern is the contestant? Is everyone okay with that?"

Sayid and Jack looked at one another. "We don't know enough about her to write her in really," Jack said.

"Rousseau!" shouted Sayid suddenly. "She's not used very often, no one here had or wanted a ship with her, unless you count that little spark I manufactured to free myself from her torturous grip…"

"I like it," nodded Jack. "I definitely like it. High five." He raised his hand, palm up.

"I love you, man." Sayid gave the doctor a great bear hug.

Hurley chortled and said, "Separate corners. No way we're writing any slash dudes." He went to fetch a new tablet of paper.