SasuNaru vampire parody, which specifically targets the demolition of Sasuke's character in fandom along with a few not-so-subtle jabs at Twilight, which destroyed some of the faith I had in the professional writing industry.

(I have a feeling I'll get a lot more flames here than at LiveJournal for that. HAH. Bring it.)

“Ow. What the fuck, man. That’s not cool.” Naruto whipped around and glared at his attacker, rubbing his neck angrily.

“I’m sorry, I was simply trying to drink your blood.”

“… Sasuke? You alright?”

“Splendid, actually. But I’ll be even better once I, y’know, drink your blood.”

“… I see.”

“Good. Now if you’ll just move your head a little—”

“Ah ah ah, no you don’t!” Naruto side-stepped quickly and parried Sasuke’s latest fangtastic neck-biting attempt. “You’re not getting my blood, that’s that.”

Sasuke - OH FUCK MY BAD I MEANT THE RAVEN - sighed a dramatic sigh, full of emotastic pain and sparkling tears of dewy crystal that reflected with all the hidden pain in his soul full of mirrors that are being used as a rather lame metaphor to describe the emptiness of Sasuke’s heart and the way that it can only bounce pain around like reflections in houses of mirrors and asldjfaskldj LOL LONG FANGIRL EXPOSITION.

“You’re doing it wrong,” he scolded, wagging a finger at Naru... the blonde. “You’re supposed to want me to suck your blood.”

“… why do you want to suck my blood in the first place?” The whiskered-face cocked an eyebrow.

A/N: LIEK OMG I JUST SAID COCK HAHAHA CUZ I WANTED TO PUT INNUENDO IN YOUR ENDO IN THE STORY TO LYKE FORESHADOW AND SHIT AND I’M RUINING IT BY TELLING YOU CUZ I’M THIRTEEN AND JUST FOUND OUT WHAT THAT WORD MEANS DO YOU C WUT I did thar oh wow sorry MY CAPSLOCK FINGER GOT STUCK .

“Because I’m a vampire, naturally.”

“… you’re… you’re a ninja… last I… last I checked.” The currently-two-zitted-face ahem’d awkwardly and eyed his friend with doubt.

“Not anymore! I’m a vampire now, and I’m pretty, and you want my marble skin and silky voice, so let me bite you so I can save you from all your pain and we can live forever in immortal love.”

“What pain? I’m not in pain! The village and me are BFF now, actually, and—”

“AHHHHHHH FUCK OH GOD OUCH!”

The five-o'-clock-shadowed face's eyes shot wide open at the dark-haired-white-skinned boy's sudden outburst. “OSHIT! Sasuke I MEAN INSERT PHYSICAL TRAIT, are you alright!? What happened?”

“Sorry, sorry, my characterization just got raped. It does that rather frequently sometimes.”

“Are you… going to be okay?”

“I think so. I’ve sort of developed an immunity to it.” He shrugged.

“It's-not-a-color-but-oh-what-evs-RAVEN, are you sure you’re feeling alright?”

“Peachy. Oh, look, the sun.”

“… Skinny-but-muscled, you’re sparkling.”

“It’s my sparkle lotion. Vampires are supposed to sparkle. I couldn’t break the mold. Y’know.”

“… that’s really fucking… I… I don’t think I want to be seen in public with you anymore.”

“Really? Don’t you want to come sit in this meadow with me and sparkle? We can talk about our mad rad love and go through countless will-they-won’t-they moments that ultimately end in a really fucking stupid way.”

“I think I’d rather not.”

“… fuck it, then, I’m tired of waiting. Get over here, you.”

“Pale-Pasty-Emo-Ass, you are not drinking my blood. End of story. GTFO, kthx.”

“… but… but… but… Shaggy-Haired, aren’t you lonely? Don’t you want me to rape and bite you and impregnate you with my manbabies and leave you a quivering emotional wreck who is obsessed with me beyond all reasonable levels of realistic degree?”

“… yeah about that…”

“Huh. This is a very disappointing state of affairs.”

“… Spiky-Haired, just what has gotten into you?”

The Ravenette (readers below age fifteen: OMFG RAVENETTE SO KAWAII! BISHIGLOMP;;; readers above age fifteen: FACEPALM) shrugged. “I read Twilight. Liek duh.”

“Oh, so that’s what it—”

“OUCH OUCH OH GOD FUCK OUCH OUCH OWWWWWWWW RAAAAAEEEEP!!”

“Shit! Shorter-Than-Me-By-A-Few-Inches, was that your characterization again!?” Broad-Chested looked at his best friend in sudden alarm, only to see him looking relatively unaffected.

“Nope,” The Albino answered, shrugging nonchalantly.

“Then… then… who was it that time?”

“That, Unnaturally-High-Voiced,” began Unnaturally-Low-Voiced-Especially-For-A-Fucking-Twelve-Year-Old-At-The-Time-Seriously-TV-Tokyo-What-The-Fuck, very slowly and carefully, holding up a finger in a perfect gesture of someone giving a stern warning, “that…”

“… yes…?”

DRAMATIC BACKGROUND MUSIC

“That… was society.”