Title: Elusive
Author: Poetically Incorrect (LoveJimmyWilly)
Rating: K-K+ (PG-PG-13)
Fandom: Drake and Josh
Characters: Drake Parker, Josh Nichols
Pairing: Drake and Josh Pre-Slash/Slash
Warnings: Slashy Stepbrothers, Language.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything, if the boys we’re mine, their would be no need for Mindy Crenshaw.
Summary: Josh Nichols always had everything he ever wanted within his grasp, everything that is except love. For that, he fully blamed Drake Parker for always being so damn hard to reach.
Authors Notes: I feel sad for Joshie. Inspired by something true in my life. Also, I am toying with the idea of making this a two-shot. Any feedback, you lovely people could give would be amazing, just don’t be too harsh. Im a little rusty. This one’s for edw, and also to everyone of my new friends over at the drakexjosh community. You guys are amazing!

Josh Nichols isn’t used to this feeling. Sure, he knows what it feels like to need to say something, to need to get it all out before it corrodes you inside, but never anything quite like this. He can practically feel the words buzzing and the blood boiling just beneath his skin-electrifying and pulsing and moving- and Josh cant help but to think its going to drive him insane.

His creative writing teacher had taught him to let words be his exit from reality, to just put pen to paper and let it all out, and for the first time in his life, Josh wonders idly if that’s such a smart idea. He wonders if maybe, what he has to say, could set the world ablaze, burn it all down, and leave him scared and shivering and confused in the wake of it all. Yet the electricity in his veins buzzes on-a high voltage jolt to his senses, one that persuades him that maybe a few sentences couldn’t damage that much.

Before he knows it a line becomes a page and then too, and suddenly its all right there, the naked scary truth- his heart, his everything sprawled out just beneath his fingertips in a haphazard stream of navy.

I never meant for this to happen. I wasn’t supposed to fall for you. It just happened, and it’s a fallout it seems-- that I will suffer from, for the rest of my life. I hate this. I hate that-- there are now so many things in my life that I’d feel guilty for sharing with you. Thing’s that would break the only truly meaningful relationship I’ve ever known. I cant tell you, and yet at the same time, I can’t keep it all locked inside me anymore, so I’ll spill it all here in this letter to you, that you will never see.

I love you Drake Parker. I love you so much more than anyone else ever could, because I know you. I really know you, the real you that no one else sees. Your quirks make me smile. It doesn’t matter to me that you still wake up in the middle of the night, shaking from the memory of your father leaving when you we’re six, or that, during these times, your eyes fill, and a few tears trickle silently down your cheek and you wake me up, asking me to just sit with you until the storm clouds over you break. I don’t care that your first real kiss wasn’t until you were 14, and I wont patronize you for the few thin scars you pressed upon your skin in the weeks that lead up to Dad and Mom’s wedding. All of these things make you Drake, my Drake, they make me love you more.

I wish sometimes, that when you look at me, and ask me what’s wrong, I could give you a straight answer. I wish I could tell you that what I feel confuses me, it scares me, and sometimes, I just wish you could understand how you make me feel. I wish you could feel how my heart beats fast when you smile at me, or grasp the gentle spinning of my head when you move to quick in the car, the smell of your skin washing over me and rendering me completely speechless.

I wish you knew that, when you lie sleeping, sometimes all I can do is watch. Lie there in the dark and marvel at how beautiful you are and how god, I love you. How sometimes, ill let my skin recklessly graze yours, just for the simple fact the sparks firing in my brain give off solid proof that I am--indeed alive-- after all.

Could you know that, when we’re lying together on the couch, the kisses I drop upon your hair are usually followed by a few bittersweet tears--tiny reminders that these stolen moments are the best I’ll ever have. That you belong to someone better than I’ll ever be, you just haven’t met her yet. The thought of loosing you makes me sick. It makes my stomach churn with an acidic jealousy so potent, that it continuously knocks the breath out of me, leaves me choking and gasping and dying, and hanging on for dear life to the bits of you left behind in the wake of yet another girlfriend. Yet another someone who will never love you quite like I can.

There are things that make me glad that you don’t know how I feel though. Most of all, it’s the fact that I hope to god you never know such a biting, demented, earth shattering pain in your life. That you never have to look someone you love in the eye, and face the fact that chances are you’ll never be together simply because that’s not how biology works. I hope that you will never have to wonder just where your soul lies in relevance to the afterlife, and be scared your gonna burn for something you couldn’t give up if you tried.

Im glad that mom and dad and Megan don’t know. I don’t think I could handle the look they would give me, or the things they would say. I don’t think id survive if they ripped us apart.

I just.. I don’t know Drake. You’ve got me. Completely and totally, Im yours, rather you want me or not, and if I had one wish, id wish to not be your brother anymore.

I’d be your everything else.

Just please, please don’t hate me.

Josh’s grip on his pen falters, and vaguely he’s aware of a soft clatter as it lands on the floor. His eyes are watering, and his whole being feels just a little lighter as he folds away the letter and stuffs it in his sock drawer. For the time being it’s safe there, his secret, away from Drake and damage it could potentially cause, and there in his sock drawer is where it will stay--for the time being.