Wasteland

By Insomniac Owl

-

Loneliness was a kind of disease; the kind only pills could cure. Pills for pain, pills for sleep, pills for sadness; pills to speed things up and slow things down. He kept them in zip-lock bags in his medicine cabinet, downing a few when things began to get the better of him.

It only became a problem when he entered high school – and not because pills were suddenly very easy to get his hands on, but because life had gotten tougher and more lonely, and Sasuke found himself unable to deal with things as well as he used to. He spent most nights slumped against the wall in his spare bedroom, unable to find sleep, close enough to the window to touch the chipped, white sill if he wanted. But something always stopped him. He didn’t like the look of the world out there, so devoid of people, and to be honest it scared him. It made him feel very, very alone.

And then, last summer, during one of those funny, humid storms that come and go in an hour, he met Orochimaru. And somewhere between the coffee and the overdue library books, he stopped feeling so lonely.

Orochimaru, it seemed, was the cure he’d been looking for.

x

Sunday evening. It had gone suddenly cold out, clouds moving in from the east, a heavy fog gathering. Sasuke sat beside Naruto on a park bench, sneaking glances at the other boy when he couldn't stand it anymore. For the first time in his life, Sasuke didn't know what to expect from him. Naruto had always been so stable and dependable, but now Sasuke just didn't know.

How to say this.

He’d been sneaking around a lot these past few weeks, too embarrassed to tell the truth because his actions were, on some level, taboo. Mostly, though, he kept quiet because he didn’t know how Naruto would take it, and eventually, hiding things became too much of a burden. It was a drain on his new-found happiness, and he knew he had to get it out - even if it meant losing a friend - which he felt sure it did.

(“I want to talk to you,” he’d said over the phone.

“Sure. Meet me at the park? I have to finish a few chores and then I’ll be right over.”

Sasuke had agreed. When he arrived, however, he found himself unable to speak, all his carefully worded phrases and explanations suddenly gone. He was left groping for a simple ‘hello’.)

And here they were, Sasuke feeling… well… guilty. Yes, that was the emotion he felt - guilt for not telling, for sneaking around. It was guilt that made his throat close up, made him choke.

He and Naruto had dated a little their junior year, but it hadn’t lasted. In the end Sasuke had found him too childish, too shallow to have that sort of relationship with – and Sasuke, though he didn’t like to admit it, was a little too needy. Naruto’s affections - coming few and far between - were a tablespoon of water when he was dying of thirst. He’d broken it off one uncomfortable summer evening, telling Naruto that it just wasn’t working for him. He explained that it had been a mistake, and that he was sorry. But, for some reason, he still cared what Naruto thought of him. And somehow, Orochimaru still felt like betrayal. But it was too hard to keep it in - even harder than getting it out – and he knew he had to tell, or else it would stay, quiet, eating away at him until he cracked, went mad, tortured by dreams – like something out of a movie.

He sighed, fingers at his temples.

“Do you remember Orochimaru?” he asked suddenly. Naruto sat up a little straighter, nodded. He had met him at one of Sasuke’s track meets a month or so ago - a tall, dark-haired man with a nice voice. He hadn’t liked him, and was very vocal about it the next day when he and Sasuke met for lunch. Sasuke hadn’t said anything, of course, only sat tracing circles on the rim of his cup, but in his head… in his head he countered every word Naruto spoke.

Lies, lies, lies; you don’t know him at all.

Another breath.

Come on…. Sasuke thought. Just say it. Then get up and leave.

“I’ve been sleeping with him for the past… three weeks now. This weekend I’m moving into his house.”

“What?”

It was a sharp word, high and panicked, and it kept Sasuke seated.

“I knew you wouldn’t like it,” Sasuke said, “but I wanted you to know. I’ve been skipping class to go see him; that’s why I’ve been gone so often. ”

“Sasuke-”

“I’ve been going to see him, Naruto, he hasn’t been asking me. I want to go, I want to see him, I’m….” He stopped, the word catching in the back of his throat. The silence around them, made worse by the damp, gloomy evening, suddenly seemed stifling, and it was an effort to keep himself upright, to open his mouth and force out the words.

“I’m lonely, Naruto….”

He saw Naruto’s eyes widen, saw his body pull back and then lunge eagerly forward, and when he spoke there was hope in his voice. “But I’m here, Sasuke!” he said, eyes bright, even hopeful. “What can he give you that I can’t?”

I don’t know, thought Sasuke bitterly. Love, maybe?

“Why don’t we do something tomorrow, just you and me? The movies or the mall or, if you want, I’ll bet I could even get some champagne and stout and we could make black and tans.”

Here Sasuke bowed his head, teeth clenched.

“Don’t make this worse.”

“But I mean it, I’ll-”

“Don’t make it worse god dammit!”

“Sasuke!”

“Shut up!” Chest suddenly heaving, he watched Naruto’s face fall. “Please,” he said quickly, wanting to save something, “I don’t know what I’m doing; I just wanted to tell you. I want

things to be okay, but I don’t even know if that can happen anymore, I just… I wanted you to know….” A breath, a desperate attempt to quell the panic rising in his chest, because the look on Naruto’s face was too pitiful, too full of betrayal for comfort.

“I felt I owed you. I….” A long, painful pause. “I’m sorry. Maybe telling you was a mistake.”

“Sasuke...”

There were no tears in Naruto’s eyes, but the sad, broken look on his face was somehow worse.

If he left then, Sasuke knew, he would end their friendship. There would be no phone calls, no apologies - just a messy break, uneven and ragged at the edges. Standing there in the fog, Sasuke remembered years of lonely nights spent slumped against the wall in his spare bedroom. Black sky, dark streets. A painful, aching silence. Orochimaru would make those nights would disappear, forgotten along with loneliness. Really, Naruto’s presence only made things worse. He was there, yes, but he was not enough – not nearly enough – and this made Sasuke painfully conscious of the loneliness.

Anyway, he didn’t need Naruto, right? Now he had Orochimaru – Orochimaru, who knew what Sasuke needed before he asked, who held him and sang lovely, haunting songs into the nighttime air. No, Sasuke didn’t need Naruto at all anymore.

(Right?)

“I haven’t had a pill in over a month,” Sasuke told him, “do you know what that means to me?”

No answer.

He opened his mouth to speak, stopped, closed it again. There was no way to voice the ‘I’m sorry’ stuck on his tongue, and nothing more to say. He could only stand there, choking on emotion, wishing….

(Why oh why is there never a right choice?)

“Well… goodbye then,” he said eventually, managing a small, sad little smile as he stood, hesitated….

And walked away.

fin