Always

“Please Lily! I’m down on my knees begging you…” James Potter stared up at her melodramatically, hands clasped in front of his heart as though trying to keep it from breaking as students glared and grumbled at having to push around him on their way between classes. “Come to Hogsmeade with me weekend after next. I’ve gone a whole summer without seeing your beautiful face, and…”

She had to fight back a smile at the theatrics. “No.”

“But Lily, can’t you see I’m dying!” He added with even more dramatic flair. “I’m dying without you.” His eyes traveled briefly to Sirius and Peter leaning up against the wall opposite and he winked.

She rolled her eyes. “If you’re going to die, then you had best do it already, Potter, and stop blocking the corridor. The answer is still no.”

James scowled a little. “Oh well then… I’ll try again tomorrow. You’ll give into my charms yet, Evans – you’ll see…”

“Yes, well…” Her eye caught a flash of pale skin and limp black hair over James’ shoulder, Severus moving down the corridor toward them. “Don’t hold your breath…” And with that she spun on her heel and walked quickly toward the Potions classroom.

She didn’t want to see Severus. She had not seen him all summer, not after the fiasco at the park, and she didn’t particularly relish having to sit through Potions with him either. She supposed that she would have to find a new partner this year. It was a pity too; Severus was always so intuitive about things.

She had done her best to try and not think about what had transpired between them several weeks prior, but it was hard. She missed him, and it hurt to know that her brashness had probably been the final nail in the lid on the coffin of their already languishing friendship. She had always sort of thought that he had cared a little more than he had let on, and she had leaned heavily on that assumption when she had allowed things to transpire the way they did. It was mortifying to the extreme to realize she had been wrong.

To top it all off, she had been under the distinct impression that boys her age were willing to snog anything that moved, or even do more if they thought they could get away with it. Apparently not in her case. She couldn’t’ help but wonder if there was something wrong with her. James Potter seemed eager enough, but then his taste and judgment could hardly be relied upon.

The classroom was already halfway full when she entered and she went to her old seat out of habit. She couldn’t help but wish that Remus was taking potions this year. He would have been her partner, of that she was sure, but he had been ill so much the previous year and missed out on so much that they had adjusted his class schedule this year, and it had not included potions, one of his weakest subjects.

The class filled more and more, and still no one sat beside her. She sighed in relief. Professor Slughorn had just bustled out from his office to the front of the class when the doors at the back burst open and she swung around to see and James, Sirius and Peter stride in, looking flushed and rather too smug for her liking. They had obviously been up to something. She turned back around as quickly as possible, but James had caught her eye, just before she did. She cringed. ‘Please don’t let him sit here…’ she silently begged no one in particular, but it did not appear that the powers that be were in a generous mood.

James slid in beside her with a grin as Sirius and Peter slid in the seats just behind. “You saved a seat just for me, Evans. That was so thoughtful…”

“Shut up, Potter…” she growled through clenched teeth.

Slughorn was beaming down at her and she smiled back prettily, trying to do her best to ignore the boy beside her - but he smelled good, damn him! “Welcome to fifth year potions. This year is a very important year, because as you are all, I am sure well aware, at the end of last term you will be required to take your O.W.L.s. Good grades in your O.W.L.s are necessary to continue taking a subject beyond fifth year, and will thus affect your career choices. That being said, I imagine you will all want to take your studies most seriously. I look forward to seeing great things from you all!”

“Evans…” Sirius Black leaned in over her shoulder. She ignored him. “Evans…”

“What!” she finally whispered harshly.

“We met a friend of yours in the hallway just after you left.”

“Oh, and who was that?”

“Snivelus Sodding Snape, who do you think?”

“And I should care, because…”

This had apparently been the wrong thing to say, because she could almost feel the air change beside her as Potter leaned in with renewed interest. “Oh, why the glum tone? Did you have a falling out, then?” He was doing his best to sound casual, but she could hear the eagerness in his voice.

“None of your business!” she snapped in a loud whisper.

Slughorn’s eyes swung to her side of the class and she clamped her mouth shut and smiled at him again. He was holding a large piece of rolled parchment, which he unfurled with a flourish. “Lab partners then…. I have left you with your partner from last year, unless you particularly wish to change. If you desire a change then please let me know now.”

James hand shot up beside her, and she sunk down in her seat a little.

“Yes, Mr. Potter.”

“Yes Sir, I don’t feel that Sirius and I were very compatible partners last year. I would like to request a new partner.”

“Did you have anyone in mind?”

“Yes Sir, I’d like to partner with Lily Evans.”

She could feel all eyes in the class on her now, and she felt utterly trapped. Why did the git have to do this in front of the whole class?

Slughorn looked surprised. His eyes scanned the classroom, and then his brow furrowed as they returned to her. “I have you paired with Mr. Snape again this year, Miss Evans, but it appears he isn’t present today….”

She glared over at James, who looked a little uncomfortable.

“Is this change agreeable to you, Lily? I can always find Severus another partner, I suppose.”

“No it’s not, Sir. I’d rather keep my current partner. I’ll work alone today.” What was she saying?

A wave of snickers and giggles sounded across the class, and she glared over in the general direction from which she thought it had come. A group of Slytherins near the back of the room glared back.

“I could pair you with Mr. Pettigrew, James. His partner has not returned to us this year.”

It gave her some sort of grim satisfaction that James had not only failed in gaining her as a partner, but was now going to be stuck with Peter. Peter was abysmal at potions.

“Then who will I be partnered with?” Sirius spoke up behind her.

Slughorn looked back down at his list. “I’ll put you with…. Mr. Lupin, I think.”

“But Sir,” James spoke up beside her again. “Lupin isn’t enrolled in Potions this year. He missed too much last year and…”

“Ah yes, well the headmaster has decided, just this afternoon in fact, that Potions might be quite a useful subject for Mr. Lupin to be proficient in, so he has been reinstated. He should be here in a moment. Just a few last minute things to wrap up with Professor McGonagall, I should imagine. You’ll help him to get caught up Mr. Black, I’m sure.”

“I’m sure…” another jeering voice from the Slytherin section. She and Sirius turned simultaneously casting burning glares in their direction, but they all just smirked back. Slughorn just looked momentarily confused. “Yes, well then, let’s be on with it, shall we!”

Potter looked absolutely crestfallen as Slughorn handed out the day’s assignment and people started to gather the needed supplies from the cabinet at the front. “You’d best help Peter, don’t you think? He’s likely to get it wrong if you don’t.”

He looked forlornly toward the front of the class. “Oh, it’s not so bad James. God knows you probably couldn’t produce much better. Slughorn’s used to accepting mediocre work from you. Lucky your dad’s got money…” It was a particular nasty and unnecessary jab, but she was angry at him for putting her in such an embarrassing situation, and she was starting to get really concerned about Severus. Just where had he got to?

It wasn’t until she was heading back to her desk from the Potions cabinet and saw James Potter staring at her dreamily from behind his cauldron that she realized that she had inadvertently called him by his first name a moment before. Bloody hell! What new torture would she be subjected to today…?

She had just set out her ingredients on her desk when the back door to the classroom creaked open again. “Ah, Mr. Lupin, Mr. Snape, just in…” Slughorn’s voice trailed off for a moment, but he picked up again quickly. “Yes, just in time. We’ve only just begun. Severus you’re partnered with Lily again this year, and Remus you’ll be with Mr. Black. There were more snickers from the back of the room, but she chose to ignore them this time. In just a moment Severus would be standing beside her – right beside her, something that had not happened since the incident.

After a moment or so a lean, black shadow slipped in beside her. She felt a tiny shiver pass through her, but then berated herself. Enough of that. Enough. Look where it had gotten her before. It was blatantly wrong that she should be feeling this around him, especially since it seemed highly unlikely that he even really wanted to be her friend anymore.

“Here…” She pushed the instructions under his nose. “He’s not started in on the text yet. We’re just working on this. It’s a review from last year.”

She saw a pale hand with long, thin fingers reach down and pick up the piece of paper. Her skin erupted in goose bumps at the sudden image of those hands on her face, tangled in her hair, sliding down her body, slow and languorous… Pleasure erupted in her and she looked away.

After a moment she heard a snort of derision and he tossed the paper down again. “Could have chosen something more worthwhile…” he mumbled. He reached for the mortar and pestle and she took up the small knife by her cauldron, and they started in to work without further discussion.

She glimpsed briefly across the aisle at Potter and Peter. Peter looked completely lost and Potter looked bored. Whenever Peter would ask him a question, he would just shrug disinterestedly. It would be another failed project, no doubt.

Things behind her were awfully quiet as well. Occasionally she would hear Remus hiss a little in pain as he shifted his weight too quickly (he was sick again, and the school year had only just begun), which was usually followed with the sound of Black clearing his throat uncomfortably. Sometimes she wished the two would just talk about what was so obviously hanging between them. She had tried to draw it out of Remus, but he would just clamp up in silence, and then hurry away as soon as he thought he could manage without appearing rude. She had stopped trying. Boys didn’t talk apparently – about anything – even if they did happen to fancy one another.

Ironically, it had been Severus who had brought the whole situation to her attention late the year before. They had been out on the school grounds, tucked under their favorite tree studying, and she had mentioned how she had noticed how low Remus had seemed of late and how much Sirius was being a git for avoiding him when it was obvious that Remus still wanted to be friends.

Severus, in his usual blunt fashion had blurted out. “It’s because Black fancies him.”

She’d nearly spewed butter beer out her nose. “What?”

“Well, it’s obvious, isn’t it?”

“What do you mean? You mean ‘fancies’ fancies?”

“Yes, as in, ‘wants to shag him senseless’, Lily.”

She’d opened her mouth several times in an attempt to comment, but had just sat there gaping like a dying fish, completely lost. “But…well, I mean how does that work exactly? I mean, do people actually do ‘that’?”

He’d looked at her sidelong for a moment, his eyes flickering back to the book in his lap. “Yes Lily, there are blokes who do ‘that’ - girls too, from what I hear.”

This had been totally new information to her. She’d wrinkled up her nose in confusion. “Well, how does that work exactly?”

“I imagine things work a bit differently…”

“Yes, well obviously, but how?” She was still trying to wrap her head around some of the new and highly fascinating things she was discovering her own body was capable of feeling and doing. She had tried hard to imagine Remus and Sirius doing…‘that’. She’d been able imagine the snogging, but after that she just couldn’t figure it out.

Severus had cleared his throat uncomfortably, but had given no indication that he had any intention of answering her question. “Sev, did you hear me?”

“I imagine things go in different places,” he’d snapped, blushing furiously. She had tried desperately to picture what things and in what places, but came up blank. It had taken Shannon O’Malley, one of the Gryffindor seventh years, to finally set her straight.

“You’re chopping that too fine…” She started a little at the sound of Severus’ voice so close to her ear, and the knife slipped cutting deep into the end of her finger.

“Ow!” Dropping the knife, she brought her finger up to her mouth, tasting the tangy, metallic warmth of her own blood.

“Is it bad?” There was the slightest twinge of concern in Severus’ voice and she looked up at him for the first time since he had joined her. Her heart stopped. His right cheekbone was red and swollen, blossoming with a quickly developing bruise.

Popping her finger out of her mouth, she stared. “Sev – what happened to your face?”

“Your finger,” he grumbled, pointedly ignoring her question. “We were talking about your finger.”

“It’s fine, but…”

“It’s not fine,” he said nodding toward it. She looked down, only to see blood dripping all over the floor at their feet.

“Oh my god.” She popped it back in her mouth.

His brow furrowed, and he reached down into the pockets of his robe, and pulled out his wand. “Here…come here…” He sat down on the bench behind them and motioned for her to do the same. They weren’t supposed to try to heal things themselves, but students still did it when they thought they wouldn’t get caught. It was rather brash to do it right in the middle of class though...

Reaching out he grabbed her wrist lightly and pulled her hand over close to his chest, hiding it behind the sleeve of his robes as he brought his wand down until it was nearly touching the wound. He mumbled some sort of soft incantation she could barely make out, and then a soft white glow emanated from the end of his wand, and she could feel a building warmth in the tip of her finger. After a moment this was replaced by a soothing cool, and then he let go of her wrist suddenly, almost as though he had been burned, stuffed his wand back in his pocket and stood up to stir the potion.

She looked down at her finger. It was still smeared with blood, but once she sucked it off she was amazed to see that her finger looked completely whole, not even the faintest hint of a scar remained. She remembered the scars on his back, and then her mind was brought back to the present, and the fact that he still hadn’t answered her question.

Getting to her feet, she gathered the yarrow she had been chopping and began to sprinkle it slowly into the cauldron as he stirred. “Thanks…” she whispered. He had cared. He had cared enough to want to do something he shouldn’t just to make sure she was okay. She felt a little bit of hope blossom.

He said nothing, just kept on stirring. “You still haven’t answered my question…” she tried tentatively.

“What question?” he whispered back.

“Your face. Was it Black and Potter, because they…”

“None of your business!” he snapped.

She saw Potter turn and look and knew that Sirius was probably straining to hear every word they said, just behind them.

“Fine!” she hissed back. “I just wanted to see if you were okay.” She felt tears coming to her eyes and had no idea why. After a moment or two, in which she felt as though she had gathered herself sufficiently, she checked the assignment sheet to make sure they hadn’t missed anything. Everything looked fine. She thought she might try again. “You know, Severus, if Potter and Black are bothering you again, you should really go to a teacher, Dumbledore even…or I could talk to them if you want…”

“No.” he spat.

“But Severus, if they’re…”

“I said no!” his voice had been loud enough that time that the entire class had heard. Several heads turned in their direction, and she could almost feel Black’s smirk of satisfaction behind her. She didn’t dare look at Potter.

“Is something wrong, Severus?” Slughorn was hurrying up the aisle toward them, fidgeting with the large gold pocket watch in the breast pocket of his waistcoat.

“I’m not feeling well, Sir. May I be dismissed?”

“Yes, of course you may, my boy. You had best go see Madame Pomfrey about that bruise too. It looks angry.”

“Yes Sir.”

And then he gathered his books and marched out of the room.

“A lover’s spat, eh Evans…” Black whispered from behind her.

“Oh, sod off, Black!” She spat back.

Remus just looked uncomfortable, and horribly pale. She spun back around, and noticed that the others were beginning to bottle up their assignments. Her brew was a perfect peridot green. She ladled some into the glass bottle beside her, corked it and labeled it and then hurried up to Slughorn’s desk.

“Sir, I’m finished and I was wondering if I might be dismissed now. I’m really not feeling that well myself.”

“Yes, yes…of course Miss Evans.” He reached out; picked up the small vial she had just deposited in front of him, and held it up to the light, gazing at it admiringly. “Another fine brew, my dear. You two really are the finest students I’ve ever had the privilege of teaching…”

“Thank-you, Sir. May I please go?”

“Of course.”

The corridors were empty as she hurried back to her common room. Lunch was in a few minutes, but she didn’t feel much like eating. Their first encounter since summer had been every bit as horrible as she had imagined it would be. She stopped for a moment as she reached the top of the stairs, and considered going to the medical wing to see how Severus was, but she doubted he had even gone there. He wouldn’t have wanted anyone to know. She remembered even when they were children he would always try to hide his cuts and bruises from her, and then get angry if she pointed them out, just as he had with the scars that day by the river…

She pushed the images that arose at the though out of her mind and turned right, heading toward her common room. It was completely empty, and she went up to her room and dumped her satchel on the floor before collapsing onto her bed to stare up at the ceiling. She let her eyes slide shut, but the moment she did, all she could see was Severus stretched out on the grass in their spot, a slightly shy and desperately hungry look in his eyes, and then he was kissing her. He was kissing her because he wanted her. The sudden surge of need that had been tormenting her all summer, swept over her again at the thought, and she snapped her eyes open.

The room felt stifling, close and stuffy, and she got to her feet again to look out the windows at the sunny grounds below. If she left now, and she hurried, she could get outside before everyone let out of class. She was suddenly desperate for fresh air.

She ran all the way, and by the time she reached the lake she was gasping for breath. At least she knew that she was far enough from the castle now that no one was likely to see her and try and stop her. She had an hour before classes started again, and she really didn’t feel like doing anything but sitting on the big rock a couple of meters from shore and dangling her feet in the water. The water always relaxed her.

Removing her school robes and then kicking off her shoes and socks she dipped a toe tentatively in the water, and shivered. It was cold. She held up her skirt and splashed through the water in a hurry and then scampered gratefully atop the sun warmed rock. The sun was warm, but not too warm. Perfect for lounging. Letting her feet continue to dangle in the water she lay back on the rock and let her eyes slide shut, relishing in the heat emanating from it.

After what seemed like only a few minutes her eyes snapped open with a start, as a shadow passed in front of the sun. “You’re burnt.”

She sat up suddenly. “What?”

“You’re burnt. Severus looked down at her. The bruise on his face was gone.

“Did you go see Poppy?” she asked.

He just shrugged. “You’re burnt Lily. How long have you been out here?”

“I…just a few minutes, I think. What time is it?”

“Two o’clock.”

“What!”

The corners of his mouth twitched. “McGonagall was furious that you didn’t show up to Transfiguration after lunch. Wanted to know if anyone knew where you were… Don’t worry, I didn’t say anything.”

“But…how could I have…? I swear, I only closed my eyes just a minute or two ago.” The corners of his mouth twitched again and she knew he was fighting a smile. “What’s so funny!” she demanded.

He just shrugged again, the laughter in his eyes disappearing to be replaced by his usual blank and slightly dismissive gaze. She missed it instantly. What was wrong with her? Why couldn’t she say anything right?

She sighed and stared out across the lake. “Severus, I…” A small fish jumped nearby and she saw him start a little beside her. “Oh here…” She slid over and patted the rock beside her. “Get out of the water. You’re getting your trousers all wet.” He did as she asked, a tad eagerly she thought. They sat in silence for some minutes. She wanted to apologize for what had happened back in class, but when she really thought about it, she wasn’t sure what it was that she had done wrong. “Sev, can I ask you something without you getting mad?”

He was silent for a moment more and then he mumbled something that she took as a ‘yes’.

“What was that about in class earlier?”

“What?” His tone was dark.

“You know… Why were you so mad? I was just worried about you.”

“I don’t want to talk about this, Lily.”

“Well, I do. Are…are you still mad at me about…about this summer? Because I…I really am sorry. I…I shouldn’t have…” She could feel herself flushing, and she suddenly became aware of the pressure of his knee on her leg, his arm gently brushing against hers. He snatched them suddenly away. He was angry. It was clear.

“No.”

“What?”

“I’m not mad.”

Her heart did a little flip in her chest and she stared over at him. He had his knees tucked up under his chin, and was looking down at them, picking at a tiny lose thread in his trousers.

“You’re not?” She could hear the disbelief in her voice.

“No.”

His eyes flitted momentarily to hers and then he went back to picking at the thread. She smiled. She couldn’t help it. “I’m glad. I…I was afraid you…well, that you wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore.”

His eyes snapped up and locked onto hers with a sudden intensity that after a moment brought the unexpected prick of tears to her eyes. “I will always be your friend, Lily. Always.”

“Always…?” she whispered.

“Always,” he replied with conviction.

She could feel her eyes fill, and then she did the only thing that seemed right; sliding a little closer to him on the rock she leaned over and laid her head on his shoulder.