Author’s Note: This is my first Queer as Folk fic, and one of my few songfics… but I think that it’s perfect. I know that Brian and Justin have fallen apart. Numerous times. So let’s just say this is one random time that they fall apart. But we all know Brian loves Justin, so… here we are. Nowhere along in any of the episodes. Just assume that we already have been through quite a few breakups. R&R, please and thank you.

3rd person

I’m not the type to get my heart broken

Brian Kinney had been through… numerous… relationships. Never had he put any dedication or commitment into them. They were hook-ups, for lack of better term. They didn’t matter to him. He didn’t attach to people easily… or ever, for that matter.

I’m not the type to get upset and cry

If there was one thing that Brian NEVER did, it was cry. He laughed his problems off, and when he wasn’t able to do that, he brooded and thought about how to fuck over the people who were messing with him. There were never any tears involved. Brian Kinney NEVER cried.

‘cause I never leave my heart open.

Brian never left his heart unguarded. He’d flirt, he’d fuck with random guys, no numbers or names involved, but he NEVER let them get to his heart. So it would be no problem at all to keep Justin away from his heart… right? Easier said than done, apparently.

Never hurts me to say goodbye

And it never did. Brian once LAUGHED during one of his breakups with another guy. He saw it as freeing himself from the bonds of a relationship so that he could have hot sex with a random guy in the backroom of Babylon. It was nothing bad. Leaving somebody allowed them to see other people. Then again, if the other person was seeing somebody OTHER than Brian Kinney, they were NOT better off. But Brian didn’t take much note of that.

Relationships don’t get deep to me.

Brian was always a ‘lone wolf’ type. Never attached to anybody. Even as friends. He’d screw his friends over without a second thought. But looking back quietly at whenever he’d been with… with that little… little shit. That damned Taylor boy. Whenever he remembered back on those moments… he saw the attachment in his own eyes. And he gritted his teeth.

Never got the whole ‘in love’ thing.

Brian scowled when he remembered the first time Justin had said “I love you”. It was a painful memory. Quite painful. Brian didn’t know, nor did he want to know what that felt like. Not yet… Not when he had so much of his life ahead of him. If he attached himself to one person right now… How could he possibly look forward to the rest of his life? When he was ready to settle down… MAYBE. And even then it wasn’t etched in stone that he would ever relate and attach to somebody enough to spend the rest of his life with them.

And someone can say they love me truly
But at the time it didn’t mean a thing.

It didn’t mean anything whatsoever when Justin said he loved Brian. Not to Brian atleast. To Justin it meant the entire world. Brian shrugged it off. ‘I love you’ had slowly faded to become another sweet nothing whispered into a lover’s ear. Nothing more than an anecdote, dimmed down from overuse. Nothing more… nothing at all.

My mind is gone, I’m spinning round.
And deep inside, my tears I’ll drown.

Brian Kinney was standing alone in his apartment, slowly turning in circles and examining his entire apartment. Mindlessly. He saw the bed. Registered along with that item were mornings laying with Justin. Turning even further, he saw that small desk Justin used to draw. Even further down he spiraled, falling into the depths of... of what? He kept turning. Memories kept repeating. And tears continued to well up inside, glistening in his eyes but NEVER spilling over. Brian Kinney didn’t cry. He wouldn’t cry… He couldn’t cry.

I’m losing grip, what’s happening?
I stray from love, this is how I feel…

Brian Kinney took a deep breath, muscles taut as he remembered one particular time. He looked at the door… registered along with it… Coming through that door to Justin. Having the blond boy throw himself at Brian… Brian Kinney came home to the best thing in the world. And he dismissed it as a nuisance. The blond boy… crushed to bits… Brian took another deep breath, attempting to steady himself. It wasn’t working.

This time was different.
Felt like, I was just a victim…

Justin Taylor walked silently through the streets, shuddering, shoulders hunched, tears pouring down his face. HOW could Brian do this? He was… He didn’t even do anything this time! Justin was innocent… this time it was totally random. Brian just… let him go. Justin was merely the victim.

AND IT CUT ME LIKE A KNIFE,
WHEN YOU WALKED OUT OF MY LIFE…

Brian was still standing in his apartment, tears were still welling up in his eyes. He could feel the rough edges of his guarded heart… and he could feel the gashes ripped into it. He could feel himself bleeding from the inside, torn by seeing Justin storm out the door screaming ‘I hate you!’ over his shoulder, tears streaking his face. Brian snapped…

Now I’m… in this condition,
And I’ve… got all the symptoms
Of a boy with a broken heart…

Gritting his teeth, Brian spun full circle and punched out, hitting the wall as hard as he could. His fist broke through the relatively frail sheetrock, and Brian banged his head and both fists against the wall, leaning against it. A single drop fell from his glistening eyes from the jarring and movement…

But no matter what you’ll NEVER see me cry…

Brian didn’t move. His shoulders quivered, ready to break out sobbing. He couldn’t. He couldn’t cry. He could NEVER cry. But it hurt. It hurt so bad… He’d never EVER gotten so attached. He’d never EVER been ripped apart like this. And he’d never EVER wanted to let Justin go… He didn’t even remember why he had done what he did. He didn’t remember what the point was. Was he trying to teach the guy a lesson? Was he trying to be all macho? Was he trying to ‘free himself from a relationship’ so that he could hook-up in Babylon?? No. He wasn’t. He was killing himself. Brian gulped once… so THIS is how it feels, apart from Justin when you aren’t absolutely sure he’ll come back through the door. When you are doubting whether you will ever talk to the… the… Brian closed his eyes… the love of your life… ever again.

How did I get here with you?
I’ll never know…
I never meant to let it get so…
personal.

Brian breathed. He leaned up from the wall, and stood straight, on his own, not depending on anything… the way that it should be, the way that it should’ve been all along. Maybe this WAS for the best. This way he wouldn’t attach to anybody ever again. This way he wouldn’t ever feel this way… ever again. No more gluing his heart back together. Piece by… crimson-stained… bleeding… scarred… piece…

After all I tried to do,
Stay away from loving you!
I’m broken hearted,
I can’t let you know!...
And I WON’T let it show…
You WON’T see me cry…

Brian bit back everything he wanted to scream at nobody. Brian shut out the images that pressed into his mind, trying to find a way through the stone wall he had erected to block everything. Brian felt his heart, not gluing itself together, but tearing itself into even tinier pieces, miniscule bits… Brian felt the shiver run down his spine, and the utterly sick feeling that followed, wherever it went. He felt dirty… He felt spoiled. It was like being covered in oil. He couldn’t get rid of it, and it slipped through whenever he tried to get rid of it. It burned… And it didn’t stop.

This time was different…
Felt like, I was just a victim…

Justin stormed through the streets, bright blue eyes streaked with tears. But his face was set into a determined grimace. Every footstep echoed through the fabric of his being. He knew. He knew everything at that one moment. He knew that Brian couldn’t be good for him… not if this is what happened whenever Justin tried to attach. Not if this is what happened whenever Justin tried to relate and get closer. Brian was scared… and Justin was done trying. Justin was done waiting… Justin was done. Period.

AND IT CUT ME LIKE A KNIFE,
WHEN YOU WALKED OUT OF MY LIFE…

Brian shook his head vehemently. No. No. No no no no no no! NO, DAMMIT. This couldn’t possibly be over so… so easily. Brian literally felt as though Justin had shoved a knife into his heart. A jagged, rusty, bloody knife, up to the hilt. Ripping. Still ripping through his heartstrings. Still slicing and tearing and obliterating everything Brian had ever stood for.

Now I’m… in this condition,
And I’ve… got all the symptoms…
Of a boy with a broken heart…

Brian choked on the air he wasn’t breathing. Brian groped at the boy he wished he was touching. Brian heard the consolations that weren’t being whispered in his ear by Justin. Brian tasted that sweetness of Justin’s mouth, that taste that didn’t exist… and Brian saw Justin running through the door… when nobody was even there…

But no matter what, you’ll never see me cry…

It wasn’t for the best. Brian needed everything from Justin. And Justin had just offered him that! EVERYTHING. ‘Every nuance of my being, belongs to you, Brian,’ he had said… ‘I’m yours. Indefinitely. Always.’

What a lie…

Brian sobbed. Tears ran down his face and he collapsed to his knees, utterly and completely destroyed by losing the one thing that kept him together…

Justin continued to walk away. He got to the airport just in time…

Brian never made a bigger mistake.

Author’s Note: FIRST QaF FIC. Do not flame please. Lol… Yes I know it was sorta angsty… but I thought it was pretty good for my first try and a spur of the moment decision. Lol. I hope that you all like it… Review please! It only takes a second, and I love to hear what you have to say as the reader. Oh, and I changed the last line. I know Brian was sorta OOC, but to complete this story I NEEDED to have him cry. Like, actually cry. Sorry buddies! I tried to keep him as heartless as possible... Not as easy as it sounds when I'm one for the sappy types. :D

Your loving author,

--Quinny